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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner is out of control

60 replies

Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 16:25

Been with partner 10 years, we have 2 kids under 4 and he is angry all the time. Gives big speeches that he is going to change but then resorts back to being a complete idiot. He started doing cocaine every other week and last night I asked him not to as his mother was coming for lunch. She is old and doesn't get much company so visits are big for her. Because he had done it anyway and didn't go to sleep until 3am I had to cancel her.
He is short tempered all the time and snappy. He twists his behaviour to try and make me look like the bad person and I'm just tired of it. If I complain abut his behaviour he goes mental again. He is obviously depressed because this anger started when his father died and his relationship with his sisters went down hill. He is also really stressed with work. Should I stick by him and try and help or say enough is enough. No we aren't married... Took him 9 years to propose after me nagging him to death about it

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/04/2015 18:12

You need to get legal advice, not mum advice. I imagine you didn't tell her about the cocaine, for example.

Original poster
Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 18:39

God no. She would freak.
He has been ranting I have been having a go at him all day and saying I'm judging him which apparently means he doesn't like me very much. Can't have a convo without him starting to shout.

OP posts:
base9 · 19/04/2015 19:33

Talk to a solicitor, that is very important, but I imagine you have limited claim on his house and that you staying or leaving the house is not going to gain you much in this situation. You will certainly be able to fight him in court for some money from the house, but it is clearly his house.

Do you have enough money to set yourself up somewhere new? If you leavw, where will you and the dc go?

tribpot · 19/04/2015 19:54

God no. She would freak.

Exactly. So her advice is not based on all the facts. Your safety and your children's safety is more important than staying put. I think it is exceptionally unlikely you could get awarded the house in the split given you are not married and it's in his name, so the 'stay put' advice is probably not relevant to your situation regardless of the cocaine. You need to talk to a solicitor.

Original poster
Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 21:45

Just had massive row. He says I'm selfish for asking him not to do it!!!! I told him he was an utter prick and was talking shit, to which he stood up and tried to square up in my face. I have told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. If he wants to communicate about the kids or house it has to be via text message as he is unable to hold a conversation without shouting over me when I talk or walking off to have a cigarette. I am so angry right now. How can he even argue I was being selfish because doing come would impact his mother and our kids having a nice day. How can you even try and rationalise that crap. Sat on the landing crying in frustration.

OP posts:
Glittermud · 19/04/2015 21:51

He's imploding. Don't let him take you with him.

pocketsaviour · 19/04/2015 21:57

Addicts are inherently selfish, love. Do you see now that he puts the drugs higher than you, than the kids, than anything else? I know it's horrible Flowers

Good on you for telling him how it is. Speak to CAB in the morning. In the event of it not being safe for you to stay there, could you pitch up at your mum's or another relative's temporarily?

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 22:01

he squared up to you ?

oh dear

Original poster
Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 22:11

He thinks I would be intimidated but I'm not at all. Doesn't scare me one inch.
He isn't addicted to it. But he is going down a very dangerous road. Out of love I was trying to pull him back but now he can f right off. I'm so mad!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 22:17

Indeed. Fuck him right off and see if he comes to his senses. If not, no loss.

DragonsCanHop · 19/04/2015 22:29

Call social services, they will be on your side in keeping your children safe. Also call womens aid and the domestic violence unit.

Use all of the above as your support network to get him to leave.

Really hope you are brave enough to make changes for you children.

tribpot · 19/04/2015 22:50

He's certainly behaving like an addict. If coke is like booze, it's perfectly possible to be an addict without using every day.

cestlavielife · 19/04/2015 23:15

If he is actually clinically depressed he needs professional help. If he is upset over a bereavement he can get bereavement support. Stressed at work doesn't give him the right to take it out on you or dc..he can get help . Via gp or his work hr.

But the best you can do now is leave with the dc and set up house elsewhere. It will be long and drawn out to claim part of the house but speak to a lawyer. You might get your 20k back... you might not. As unmarried your p has obligations towards the dc financially.not to you. So you may have a claim via children's act. Or not.

your priority surely right now is keeping your dc safe and in a happy home.

You not going to have that sharing it with an angry drug user.

Missymoomoo1979 · 20/04/2015 08:28

He is addicted, just because it's not everyday doesn't mean he isn't, you really do need to get out, it will come to a point where he starts doing more because the amounts he's taking won't have the same affect, do you really want to be around for your kids to witness it? Soon it'll be hundreds of pounds a week just to get the same feeling 20 quids worth once gave him.

Please get out now.

Original poster
Cococrazy · 20/04/2015 12:56

Spoke to his mother today and she said that his attitude and moodyness had also been affecting her. She told me she was in a loveless marriage for years and told me if I could get out while I was still young enough I should.

He tried to talk to me this morning, which I ignored. He then slammed the car door shut when I dropped him to the station. Didn't even glance back at the car. He always has a way of twisting things so you are the one in the wrong. Nothing is ever his fault.

I think I'm going to take the kids to his mums this weekend to try and get away from him. Need to make some clear decisions and get some legal advice.

Dreading him coming home tonight. On another bombshell, I'm currently 5 days late with a bfn ?!?!?

OP posts:
Missymoomoo1979 · 20/04/2015 13:24

More than likely the stress?

Getting away from him and getting legal advice is the best thing you can do.

dollius · 20/04/2015 13:25

Well if even his mother thinks you should ditch him...

On the house. Do you have proof of the £20,000 you sank into the house? Paper trail' bank transfers, receipts, anything? Those will get you a share of the house if you have them.

Original poster
Cococrazy · 20/04/2015 16:27

Yeah I have money straight from my account to builders, painters, flooring and electricians.

Recieved text messages off him this afternoon asking if this is now the way we communicate. When I answered correct he started getting angry asking how we were going to resolve this. My answer was there is nothing to resolve anymore

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 20/04/2015 18:55

Does he have access to your money? Could he wipe you out so you can't move out?

entre · 20/04/2015 20:38

Do you still love him? Would you love him if he was to improve?

Ask him to knock the coke on the head for you and your children. Surely if he is half a brain left he will acknowledge that he is being affected in a negative way from it and it is damaging not only his own life , but yours and your kids too.

You will probably see that his mood and behaviour improves with time the longer he manages to go without taking it. If he's not willing to stop , or at least , try stopping or seriously cutting down , and be very clear that you are serious about it , then maybe you should look to get out of there.

You have admitted to doing coke with him yourself only recently, something that all but 1 (I think) of the previous posters acknowledged.The rest just wheeled out the stock answers of leave this bastard immediately as he is scum and it's better for the kids to have no dad than this loser. I'm not judging you,and he sounds a bit of a nightmare at the moment tbf, but given you did it with him, you probably accept that a lot of things are alright in moderation. Coke and moderation don't really go hand in hand though and so many people are regular users these days and with that so many people are spending half their lives coming down , paranoid , bad tempered, withdrawn. It's not a good drug and it's likely to be mixed with all kinds of shite these days anyway. Plus it costs a fortune that could be spent on the kids or family bills.

Good luck. Whatever course you choose.

tipsytrifle · 20/04/2015 20:38

Every post you write sounds more and more like "this is the end of it". If this is the case then you need to gird your determination like a battleshield. He's an addict for sure and this can only go from bad to worse.

Lock down any access to any of your money or a/c that he has. Legal advice too. asap. Seems like it might be time for someone (preferably him?) to leave.

Original poster
Cococrazy · 20/04/2015 20:39

No he doesn't. I know his pin info but he doesn't know any of mine.

He has come home being normal. Just ignored him and went upstairs

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 20/04/2015 20:44

Well financially that's some relief. Do you want to talk with him or take some time to let fury settle and decide what you would prefer to happen? Whatever is to happen I think it will be driven by you. Perhaps initially the w/e away is a good idea - though it's only Monday and maybe an element of some kind of talking would be appropriate before then? Up to you!

Casimir · 20/04/2015 20:58

Why on earth do people believe 'talking' achieves anything. Explain consequence, then DO consequence.

Gardav · 20/04/2015 21:57

Given that he is taking an illegal substance, is behaving like a total twunt and is obliged to provide for his kids then you need to use this information to your advantage. Tell him that until he provides an alternative home for his children then he needs to move out. If he objects then threaten to tell the police, his employer and social services about his behaviour. Be prepared to do it.