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Original poster

Friend is a 'Topper' and rude with it.

99 replies

OodlesofBoodles · 19/04/2015 13:28

I need to extricate myself from a friend, I've only known her a few years, most of our communication is on social media where she's fine but when we get together she's rude, interupts people all the time. She's clever and had a really good career before having children which she never lets anyone forget. Whatever anyone talks about, has done, enjoys or even mentions she 'tops' it. Shes been there, done that and bought the diamanté encrusted r shirt.

I plan to avoid all future real life interaction and will have to tell our mutual friend why. Any ideas how I can extricate myself from her or call her on her behaviour without creating mayhem?

OP posts:

BasinHaircut · 22/04/2015 09:35

My MIL also has to top me on anything related to MY OWN CHILD. She knows him infinitely better than either me or DH do apparently.

If I tell her he is doing x now, she will say, 'yes he did that 2 weeks ago when I had him' when he quite clearly didn't as she would have mentioned it at the time if he had. It drives me mad.

When I went back to work and MIL started minding him 1 day per week for us, DH and I joked that when we got home that evening he would have taken his first steps. The thing is though, that he actually did, there were witnesses. Luckily though he only did 2 steps and when I got home he did 6 so she couldn't top that!

Original poster

OodlesofBoodles · 22/04/2015 09:50

I've been 'Topped' by her already this morning. Great start to the day.

OP posts:

loveareadingthanks · 22/04/2015 10:32

I've just realised DP has topper tendencies and that's why he can be quite annoying sometimes.

Actually, it's not really topping - and I don't think some of the people who have confessed to topping on this thread are toppers either.

Topping - had done it PLUS, so better than you (or worse if it's an illness/problem etc)

Being a bit annoying while trying to converse/empathise - (DP and others on this thread) - jumping in with own anecdote too quickly so it wipes out what the other person is trying to talk about. Perhaps it should be called Jumping rather than Topping?

It's good to share experiences. It's not good to leap in after the first couple of sentences of someone else's and then just talk about your own experience instead! Jumping. Jumping in, and jumping all over what they were trying to say.

SelfLoathing · 22/04/2015 12:16

Self loathing that's a really horrible suggestion. If you don't like someone just stay away from them you don't need to round up a group of people to bully them.

Life's brutal I'm afraid diplo.

Why should you (or anyone) have to lose a whole group of friends because there is an unpleasant show off amongst them so you have to stay away from them all (on your approach) because she's always there?

I'm not saying it's nice behaviour but then neither is banging on about how blo*dy marvellous you are and insisting you are the centre of attention.

scotchfreeescapegoat · 22/04/2015 13:11

we call it being a "fiveskin" as in if you said you had a foreskin, she would have a fiveskin.

I just go with the "that's nice dear" response or similar, coupled with an uninterested look and then continue the conversation with other people.

PeppermintCrayon · 22/04/2015 15:06

Arf at fiveskin.

PeppermintCrayon · 22/04/2015 15:07

Also; you can often spot a topper because they'll interrupt you with "that's nothing..."

Galrick · 22/04/2015 15:41

I come over as a topper sometimes; I actively work on it by asking a question instead of 'empathising' by sharing the experience (even if I only had part of the experience, I still try to make it sound as if I know ) But I backslide.

I worked out it came from being in a lot of social groups whose conversation is actually an exchange of monologues. You know the kind of thing: A says they bought a green handbag in Jones; B interrupts with the blue handbag she got at Hobbs; C divulges that she prefers rucksacks. It's one way of sharing, but I hadn't realised how thoroughly I'd adopted it.

As part of my bullshit minimisation programme, I now interrupt interrupters with "I haven't finished talking" or "Let A finish her what she was saying!" Eight times out of ten, this shocks the blatherer into making a better effort - the other two are best treated as entertainment, as their skin's so thick that they won't notice you all taking the piss out of them

Galrick · 22/04/2015 15:45

Oodles, why not reply to her group advisory with something like "So kind of you to share your patronising & irrelevant advice! Thank you."

And watch where the chips fall.

UterusUterusGhali · 22/04/2015 16:30

What was the group text, damnit?!

CiderwithBuda · 22/04/2015 16:52

I ha e a friend a bit like this. I understand what people mean when they say they jump in with a similar experience - I do that sometimes when I'm nervous. But topping is different. It's hard to explain what my friend does but she always thinks she knows more than anyone else about anything. Had coffee with her today and we had a few classics. Anything she doesn't agree with is a urban myth - we were talking about skincare and her dad had said chocolate gives you spots. She told him it was a urban myth. I said well actually giving up sugar can really make a difference to your skin. She said she didn't agree that it did. She did a diploma in nutrition so knows all about it. Said in all seriousness.

I said I had bought new birkenstocks. She told me ugly shoes are all in. Told me her girls would laugh at her if she wore shoes like mine.

I could go on!

Jackie0 · 22/04/2015 16:57

Someone on mn called this an elevenerife as in ive been to Tenerife

Jackie0 · 22/04/2015 17:00

Oh someone already said that sorry

LurkingHusband · 22/04/2015 17:04

No advice, but have a laugh

TooSpotty · 22/04/2015 17:11

I always think this is me, and try so, so hard to ask questions instead. Trouble is my mother brought me up to have a phobia of asking personal questions and so I'm also battling the fear that I'm getting that wrong. But I'm pretty sure it's a reason I got chucked out of a group of friends, which was pretty horrible as I'm a very well meaning person who just lacks social skills. I'd only need telling once.

Galrick · 22/04/2015 17:16

"Give me ten minutes and then check Wikipedia" - Lurking!

stargirl1701 · 22/04/2015 17:16

This is me.

Must try harder to ask questions.

TopOfTheCliff · 22/04/2015 17:50

My DP has a habit of comparing everywhere we go to places he has already seen. But he noticed an elderly relative always said everywhere "looked just like her hometown" (eg the pyramids at Giza or the Taj Mahal!! )
So when he is comparing away I laugh and say "just like Bootle* then?"
I think I am curing him!

*names have been change to protect the innocent

ScaryMaryHinge · 22/04/2015 17:53

I ask questions to avoid doing this, but sometimes I worry I come over like I'm interviewing people!

diplodocusocious · 22/04/2015 19:27

So what's the alternative to this ^ . A gives a big monologue on their green handbag and people just have to say "that's nice" and act as if they've never seen a handbag before?

Genuine question!

Galrick · 22/04/2015 19:47

And a good question, dip :) I think it's nicer to admire the bag in question, say how nice Jones handbags are, ask why they chose green, etc. There's a bit of a balance between showing an interest and acting like the gestapo - can't claim to have totally cracked that one yet!

Chesntoots · 23/04/2015 08:18

There is a fine line between bonding and "topperism". I think sometimes I might fall onto the wrong side...

I do try and work on this, but I get nervous talking to people that I don't know. Also I have a dad, who, if I told him I had cured cancer and sorted world peace would, without skipping a beat, say "Anyway, Mabel from the club has just bought a new vacuum". I'm not totally blaming him, but I'm pretty sure it's not helped!

TooSpotty · 23/04/2015 08:25

Chesntoots, that rings a bell. As the daughter of a father who didn't look up when I told him my A level results! But I've thought more it's an enthusiasm to communicate something combined with poor social judgement for me - lots of the reading I've done on ASD strikes a chord.

I'm still feeling upset at the calls to rally whole groups of people to be unpleasant to others that are up thread. Perhaps that's more in the context of people who seem to put others down?

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 23/04/2015 09:16

Too
I can't get over that, just smile behind their back, make it a sport.
Don't let it worry you, no one believes them they aren't doing any harm.

It isn't like they are rallying around trying to get groups of people to be nasty to one person like a bully is it?

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