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Original poster

My sister has asked for a £4k loan

95 replies

Sweetheartyparty76 · 18/04/2015 17:20

I'm 38 with no kids and my partner and I have fairly good jobs. My sister is 2 years younger than me with 5 kids and husband who can only find temporary work. They are yrying to sell their house and move into council accomodation but until they do have to pay rent and mortgage. Their house is for sale for £80k and their mortgage is for £55k. They also have a lot of debt and a bad credit record. They have borrowed from my sisters MIL but they are estranged now. Our parents are dead so I'm the only one she can turn to.

She sent me a message asking to borrow £4k so she can move into their new house 'comfortably'. It is not an inconsiderate sum for me. We are also in the process of moving house and our joint savings will be our deposit.

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 18:44

Why does she have to move into her new house "comfortably"? As long as the children have enough to eat and are warm that would be as far as my guilt went.

I wouldn't give her the £4k. I might drop stuff in for the children from time to time to make sure they get the odd treat and enough to eat. I might offer to help her write a CV, etc., so she can work as her partner can only get temp work. I wouldn't just give her money I might need.

DH has given his sister thousands over the years when she asks and it irks me but it can be spared and she's not my sister. I wish I had a better opinion of her though but she has pretty much wiped her kindly thought slate clean.

SanityClause · 18/04/2015 18:46

Some one I know used to share a room with her younger brother (both older that 14, though) because her mother fostered, and the foster children had to have their own rooms.

So, it can't have been illegal, or they wouldn't have let her foster.

Meerka · 18/04/2015 18:46

No. No.

you've never had the money back from last time and she's planning on stopping repaying her MIL when she's moved house?!

Look, this is just going to sow discord between you - asking has sowed discord. She'll be upset if you don't say Yes and she won't be repay the money if you do say Yes; then you will be stressed and unhappy and you need that money.

Prepare for friction either way. But look after yourself, your partner and hopefully your child.

Meerka · 18/04/2015 18:47

you future child, I mean - very best of luck with the IVF

fannyfanakapan · 18/04/2015 18:48

my dsis is the same - borrows left right and centre and never pays a penny back. The very worst case, she "borrowed" money from an elderly relative who had lost her husband 6 weeks prior. "to pay electricity and food..." allegedly. Darling relative gave her a "several" grand. DSis bought a new sofa. Hmm Then managed to go on the cambridge diet (around £60 a week) and bought a second hand car. Taking money from an old person in mourning...classy.

Id agree with those that say - dont loan unless you are happy to never see the money again. Just say "sorry, the savings we have are earmarked for a place of our own, I cant lend you any money".

expatinscotland · 18/04/2015 18:48

They won't be offered council property but be pointed to private LL's who take housing benefit.

And living spaces count as sleeping spaces. So they can sleep on a sofa so the child can have his own room.

She's feckless. Her poor MIL.

Vivacia · 18/04/2015 18:49

Say no but will she lend you £3000 when she sells her house.

Skiptonlass · 18/04/2015 18:55

You will never see it again. And it's to move "comfortably" not for absolute essentials!

"Sorry, we are strapped right now with the house deposit and some other personal expenses."

ragged · 18/04/2015 18:58

Gift or nothing.

Branleuse · 18/04/2015 19:06

Just send a message back saying You know I love you to bits, but I cant afford to lend out that sort of money, although if youre really skint, would it help if I write off the debt you already owe me?

Rivercam · 18/04/2015 19:07

What does comfortably mean?

Say No and don't feel guilty about it. 4K is a huge amount of money - why does she need so much?

Plan for your future and your future family.

frostyfingers · 18/04/2015 19:23

If you lend them this money your relationship will change forever and I really wouldn't do it if I were you. They need to be responsible for themselves somehow. Old fashioned I may be too, but asking for that sort of money via a message would get my back up!

Lucy61 · 18/04/2015 19:53

I'd do it if I could. Family is supposed to have your back. Money comes and goes. If you can't afford to, then you can't and shouldn't help.

hereandtherex · 18/04/2015 20:34

Double post.

She's 36. She's a bad bet. Her husband is an even worse bet.

You have upcoming commitments.

NorthEasterlyGale · 18/04/2015 21:00

I would absolutely not lend the money, if I were in this situation, as there would seem to be no realistic chance of you getting the money back. You also don't have to justify why not; 'no' is a complete sentence, as they say.

However, if you decide to lend it, it would be worth the cost of seeing a solicitor and having a proper, legally enforceable, loan contract written up for your sister to sign. That way, you all know where you stand and it's clear what the expectations are from both sides. I know that some people wouldn't be comfortable doing this when dealing with family, but sometimes keeping things like this on a more formal footing can help preserve family relationships if things go awry.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2015 21:09

However, if you decide to lend it, it would be worth the cost of seeing a solicitor and having a proper, legally enforceable, loan contract written up for your sister to sign. That way, you all know where you stand and it's clear what the expectations are from both sides.

Her sister has already scarpered on other debts and has a shit credit record. This piece of paper is meaningless when it comes to people like this.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/04/2015 21:14

No don't, she's a bed bet.

Good luck with the ivf. I hope it works.

IPokeBadgers · 18/04/2015 21:16

No, no and thrice no. For all the reasons listed by previous posters. Your sister is taking the piss to even send you that text.

cozietoesie · 18/04/2015 21:35

By the way - what would 'moving comfortably actually mean?

No - definitely not. It would almost certainly affect your relationship badly. (And the chances of you being paid back are slim to non-existent.)

expatinscotland · 18/04/2015 21:43

You are not responsible for her financial mess. She's an adult whose job it is to look after her family. She will sell her house and she can use the proceeds to make her new home comfortable. If I were your partner I would go fucking spare if you tried to use the joint savings we needed for our house so your feckless sister could spunk it just as she's done all the other times.

YoungJoseph · 18/04/2015 21:48

Just to clarify the illegal sharing a room bit.

In your own house you can sleep anyone with anyone.

However, for properties rented through the council / housing associations children of different sexes aren't supposed to share a room after a certain age.

Not sure about private rents.

Allalonenow · 18/04/2015 21:48

I would say do not lend her the money.

Loans between family members are always fraught with problems. Various family members will hear differing stories, some will paint you in colours you do not deserve. You will never been seen as a generous benefactor, at best you will be seen as someone who is a soft touch.

If you can afford it give her a gift of a couple of hundred pounds, but that is all. Use the money that you have worked for for your own benefit, just as your sister can.

tribpot · 18/04/2015 21:48

I would stop using the term 'lend'. Be honest - she will never pay it back, so you will be giving her the money.

If you won the lottery she would just bleed you dry on a bigger scale.

It sounds as if your house is up for sale too? So this is not a theoretical deposit on a new place but an actual 'need it within six months' kind of deposit. You absolutely cannot lend give it if you know you'll shortly need it yourself.

I like Procrastinator's suggested reply "Oh, sorry you're broke. I was just going to text you actually to see whether you could pay back that £X I lent you ages ago. We're a bit stuck at the moment and DH said it would be great if you could repay it now." Have you thought about that?

mslizzy · 18/04/2015 21:54

I would say yes if I could afford it. I aaagree with posters that you should be prepared to lose it. If 4k is too much maybe offer some other help? A lesser loan or something else practical. It sounds like she needs help and feels ashamed.

Who would make themselves homeless with 5 kids?! Even 24hrs in that situation would be horrible Sad

YellowTulips · 18/04/2015 21:56

Solely on the basis she has told you she will stop paying back her MIL then it has to be a no.

She's already in debt with no intention of honouring her obligations.

You need the money for your own family (good luck on the lvf ) and new home- don't put that at risk of compromise to "make her move more comfortable".

I think you say I can't afford to give you £4k and based on your past that's what you are asking for. I can't believe it would be paid back so it's not a loan.