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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sister has asked for a £4k loan

95 replies

Sweetheartyparty76 · 18/04/2015 17:20

I'm 38 with no kids and my partner and I have fairly good jobs. My sister is 2 years younger than me with 5 kids and husband who can only find temporary work. They are yrying to sell their house and move into council accomodation but until they do have to pay rent and mortgage. Their house is for sale for £80k and their mortgage is for £55k. They also have a lot of debt and a bad credit record. They have borrowed from my sisters MIL but they are estranged now. Our parents are dead so I'm the only one she can turn to.

She sent me a message asking to borrow £4k so she can move into their new house 'comfortably'. It is not an inconsiderate sum for me. We are also in the process of moving house and our joint savings will be our deposit.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 18/04/2015 17:48

Say no, you don't actually have it to lend as it is earmarked for your own house deposit. Would your DP be okay about giving away what is essentially half his?

She says she needs it to 'move comfortably'. What does that actually mean? She can still move I guess, but will have to make do and mend with old furniture and stuff?

base9 · 18/04/2015 17:48

Only give her money if it is a gift, not a loan. Doesn't sound like you can afford the gift. Say no

AmateurSeamstress · 18/04/2015 17:49

The fact you've lent to her before and not got it back makes it a lot simpler in my book. It's a no.

Velvetbee · 18/04/2015 17:50

No.

Floundering · 18/04/2015 17:52

Why not say no you need every penny for your move but you'd be happy to cover the cost of her moving house/a new sofa/ new curtains or something else as a gift once you are settled ? (given that any "loan" will actually be a "gift" as you won't get it back.)

If she witters on about promising to pay it back just say firmly no you can't add to their debt, she needs to sort out MIL's first.

Helping a sibling is one thing, taking the piss is another.

Original poster
Sweetheartyparty76 · 18/04/2015 17:54

My sister's husband established contact with his dad whom he hadn't seen since he was 8. They went on holiday together and that was enough to stop talking to them x

OP posts:
J0an0fArk · 18/04/2015 17:55

Ask her to sell her house to you for 60k

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/04/2015 17:56

She made this request by text message?. That is not acceptable of her to do that at all.

No to this also because you will likely never see this money ever again. You did not get your previously loaned amount to her back either so this is a further reason for saying no.

Original poster
Sweetheartyparty76 · 18/04/2015 17:57

We desperately want a baby and are going for ivf in the next few months (nhs funded). So hopefully baby expenses will be a real possibility x

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 18/04/2015 17:57

Re what a poster said about making themselves intentionally homeless - same thought occurred to me. You can't just sell a house and get a council house. It's a bit harder than that.

ProcrastinatorCity · 18/04/2015 17:58

You could repy, "Oh, sorry you're broke. I was just going to text you actually to see whether you could pay back that £X I lent you ages ago. We're a bit stuck at the moment and DH said it would be great if you could repay it now."

You won't get the old money back, but you know that. That text would act as a reminder that she's got a nerve asking for more money when she still owes you. And "to make the move more comfortable"? That's just really cheeky.

NewLeaflet · 18/04/2015 18:02

You can't just sell a house and get a council house.

Exactly this. Why are they expecting to get a council house if they already own privately?

HormonalHeap · 18/04/2015 18:05

In very similar situation. Dh's brother always asking for 'loans', never repays. My Dh takes the view that if bil needs it and dh can afford it, what's the big deal?

I would agree that if your sister or my bil could not put food on the table- but this isn't the case and I feel it's s bloody cheek.

In my case, we are not allowed to tell his wife, my sil, as they keep their money seperate. She has loads and they have retired early and spend their life cruising. Sorry to ramble as in they are in different situ to you sister but either way the whole 'asking' thing makes me see red. Dh 'lent' him 60k a few years ago and got 1k back.

Original poster
Sweetheartyparty76 · 18/04/2015 18:07

Thanks ladies. I know i can't do it really. I got such a shock when she asked for £4k and I've been really stressed about it. I would probably lend her the money if we weren't looking to move. Thenightsky is right; it feels wrong to do it without discussing with DP and i already know what his answer will be
In regard to intentially homeless; i didnt realise that the council would home them too but its correct. They have 5 kids of different ages and sex and its classed as illegal for a boy over 14 to share with a younger girl sibling which is their current situation x

OP posts:
AnxiousKeziah · 18/04/2015 18:12

Hopefully your NHS ivf attempt will be successful, however where I live the NHS only fund one attempt. We had no embryos to freeze and then had to pay privately. Can you afford to move house and if needed pay over £5,000 for each ivf attempt? As it would be a gift, then would you be prepared to not have further ivf if you wished, or could you raise thousands for each attempt ok? It is a bit more complicated than NHS attempt working first time for some people. If you lucky enough to get 3 ivf funded attempts would you stop there. Of if it works want a sibling later - which you would have to fund.

FishWithABicycle · 18/04/2015 18:13

Like pp are saying, only do this if it wouldn't be a huge issue if were never paid back. It sounds to me that this wouldn't be the case. It's entirely possible, even probable, that having £4k less would affect your own moving plans. It's great to help family if you can, but restrict your definition of what you can do to what would not destroy your family relationships if repayment never happens.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/04/2015 18:13

Now you've said about theIVF it makes it even clear. I think the NHS only funds a set number of cycles, doesn't it? If those aren't auccessful you will probably want to go private and that costs a lot. You NEEDyour money for you, OP. Don't let her guilt trip you Into giving it to her. Just because she isnt good at handling money doesn't mean to say you should bail her out of any money troubles because YOU have been good with yours.

Original poster
Sweetheartyparty76 · 18/04/2015 18:15

Thats not good either, £60k is a massive sum to lose. I hate when she asks for money. I know they are on the breadline but i have my own life to lead. I just wish i could win the lottery, give her some and be done with it. I wish i didn't feel so responsible for her. I wrote off the money i gave her years ago. She never had the means to repay before but i doubt she would remember i gave it to her anyway. She also keeps her husband in the dark too

OP posts:
J0annie · 18/04/2015 18:19

The more I read, the clearer it is the answer should be no!

she's failed to repay the last loan!!
You are about to undergo IVF
You are saving for a deposit for your own place

PLEASE don't feel guilty about not lending her more money. As she didn't repay the last loan what she really means is 'give me money'.

I suggested buying her house for below it's market value. See how she would like that!

LIZS · 18/04/2015 18:21

I did wonder if she told her husband. Does he know about the previous amount or mil money? Has he ever held down a job ? Surely they have to take some responsibility for overcrowding their 3 bed house. How long has it been up for sale?

FenellaFellorick · 18/04/2015 18:28

It's not illegal. It may give them points for overcrowding but there is no law 're siblings sharing a room. Is she telling you it's illegal?
I agree that you are very unlikely to ever see your money again. You already know she doesn't repay loans.

You cannot afford to give her four thousand pounds, on top of what you've already given her (face it you'll never see the other money again)
If you wanted to and could afford to that would be one thing but clearly you can't so don't let her make you feel bad about it.
Really stupid of her to tell someone she intends to default on money owed to a family member and then ask for a loan! She must think you're Stupid.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 18:29

They have five children and you desperately want a child. You need to keep your money for that eventuality. If you do have a baby, that money would buy you more maternity leave. If you struggle to have a baby, that money will pay for more IVF. You need to hold onto your money and put your immediate family first.

Can you not say that it's joint savings and your husband won't let you lend her the money?

lacksdirection · 18/04/2015 18:29

I never knew it was illegal for a boy of 14 to share with a younger sister. Confused

expatinscotland · 18/04/2015 18:32

Say NO. 'I don't have that kind of money to loan. We need to use our funds for a deposit.'

Your sister is irresponsible and you will never see a penny of that money again.

Edenrose206 · 18/04/2015 18:40

Sweetheart, do NOT loan her the money!!! The IVF question has cinched it from my perspective... If your NHS-funded cycle is unsuccessful, you will need everything you've got to go private (and the percentages of success are better outside the NHS). Don't assume you'll be able to conceive on your first go, as wonderful as that would be... Five years, four rounds of IVF and three MCs later, DH and I finally have a precious 8-month-old boy, but he cost us a small fortune in treatment!! Tell your sister you love her, and would live to buy her a new sofa as a housewarming gift, but NO to the loan...