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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to have to leave DH I think.

71 replies

lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 21:13

And want to know what to do for the best. I'll try and fail to be brief.

DH and I have been together over 19yrs. We lived in my rural home area until 7 years ago then moved to his city area as his father was unwell and needed help.

Since then we've been relatively happy though since having first 2 I've missed my parents and felt I wanted my DC to have a rural upbringing we've also had some issues with him being lazy in the house/childcare as I am the main breadwinner that's a problem.

Anyway he went into business with a friend got cheated lost everything. Massive personal debt and lost my money for my family that they have said to forget.

He has depression and anxiety as a result and we had an unexpected DC3. The last 9 months it spiralled to him just never being here. I have been totally alone with 3 DC. I Found out he's racked up more debt sleeping in hotels and he's been lying about where he is and who he has been with. When I found this out I was going to leave him but the fear of losing his family seemed to snap him back for 2 weeks to being my lovely DH again if not better as I was more honest in telling him he needed to shape up housework wise and share the load.

Then his family offered him an opportunity which he thought he could make a go of and feel less of a failure and have just snatched it away again for a variety of reasons (they I feel have a LOT to do with his MH issues). And as of 3 days ago he is either here and I can tell while he loves the DDs but can't really feel emotion towards me though he is sharing the workload or gone. He's gone right now.

I spent 2 weeks with my family for Easter despite having lost £££ they love him and me and as they are building a retirement home they have offered us their house. Rent free for 5 years at which point we can sell ours and buy theirs. Ours is a cramped new build. Theirs is a sprawling country place. It is in the village all my DCs cousins live in. Nearby all our old "couple" friends (we've no joint friends or social life here at all). I can be fully supported but they aren't intrusive they will leave us alone when needed. He lived and was happy there for 12 years. I want to go. It gives the DCs an environment we could never ever afford here.

DH won't go. He says he can't handle being "in view" when he's a failure and it will make his depression worse. I get that i think especially as my family are affluent BUT it's in his head they love him and don't care as long as he's good to me and the DC. Over Easter he visited and didn't want to leave! He seemed light and happy again He only came back for this shitty "opportunity"

So I decided to come back and see if I can be happy here support him. Get him healthy again but I'm so miserable and me being miserable makes him leave and drive so I'm alone again. I tried to cheer up and planned a night out with DCs "mum" friends but I haven't gone as he's now out instead saying he's not well enough to have the kids. So I'm here. Crying during my DCs bedtime songs and thinking I'm going to have to leave my DH and go home because he's leaving me no choice.

WWYD?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 17/04/2015 21:16

What a horrible situation. He certainly does sound very depressed and anxious and his family are clearly not helping.

However, at this point I think you need to do what's right for you and your DCs. If you move to your parents and take up their generous offer, can you manage with childcare, getting to school, and your job, etc, if he doesn't follow?

grizzlegrumps · 17/04/2015 21:17

You and your children are the most important thing. Put them before him, you have to.

You poor thing, sounds fckn miserable Thanks

Original poster
lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 21:20

My job I WFH with travel so it makes no difference thankfully and with rent from our marital home plus help from my mum god love her I can manage childcare just about.

I'm scared now though he sounded so down earlier he was "watching the sea" now not answering so I'm sat here thinking "what if he's hurt himself? " "what if he hurts himself if I take away the DC?"

Not that I'd ever really take them away. I want him to follow me. The door will be always open :(

OP posts:
Original poster
lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 21:22

My parents home is 4hours away by the way so a big move. New school etc. But DC1 is only in reception so not really an issue.

OP posts:
grizzlegrumps · 17/04/2015 21:24

Is he getting any help - ADs, therapy etc?

Easy to say from an external point but it sounds like you've got to go. Surely it's better for DC to have one 'happy' parent v one depressed and the other bloody miserable?

Really feel for you xx

RedDwarfPosse · 17/04/2015 21:27

How heartbreaking for you.

If it were me I'd leave and go back to where you're happiest.

Tell him he can come with you all and start again, this 'opportunity' fell through so there's nothing to stop him. A happier life will likely improve his depression when he can then build on his self-esteem and maybe try a new career?

But if he won't go you have to do what's right for you and your kids. This misery us doing none of you any good.

Original poster
lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 21:31

Given ADs and reacted badly so won't try again.

I got his CBT through my work for free. Went to a few sessions and decided she was making him worse.

He wanted to check into the hospital to get them to make him go to sleep on the night I found out about his lying. But I made him stay home and he admitted afterwards he was suicidal. He'd been managing it after that focused on this "opportunity" so now I can imagine he's sunk further than ever.

We moved here for this "opportunity" he gave up a secure well paid jon 7yrs ago. Then thry took it away. Reoffered it and took it away again. His dad told him he "didn't trust hkm" and that I'm "too good for him". He defends his father as "it's cultural" I could punch him in the face but here they are my only childcare to work and I have no choice but to keep my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 21:32

Sorry typos Blush

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 17/04/2015 21:36

What was he doing in hotel rooms op ?

crimsonh · 17/04/2015 21:40

You have 3 children under 5.
If your DH won't go and ask for help you are likely to have nervous break down yourself.

I would go and get all help offered.
You need a break and kids need as someone said at least one happy parent.
Neither of you is happy right now.

ACSlater · 17/04/2015 21:40

Won't he be living in the marital home if you go without him so no rental income?

goodnessgraciousgouda · 17/04/2015 22:07

I would leave.

This man is a grown adult. No one is responsible for him except himself.

You sound desperately miserable, and it sounds like you have been carrying everything by yourself for a long time.

I would recommend you consider separating. Put your needs, and the needs of your children first.

Having this man in their lives on a daily basis, in his current state, is not going to be good for them.

LadyB49 · 17/04/2015 22:10

Sort yourself and dc. You are not leaving him as such. You are moving house/home. He can go with you if he wants. Dc needs at least one stable parent.
I have been where you are. Stayed for 22 years. Eventually left for my own sanity.
Go to where you have support and extended family for dc.
DH has a choice.

Original poster
lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 22:17

Quite hiding. Hiding from life. Trying to make himself feel better. I jumped to cheating as I knew he was lying but I believe he isn't in a fit mental state to be having an affair. I choose to believe and if I'm wrong I will accept I was naive and LTB. I've had to have this mental wrestle with myself.

AC I've made it clear if I go the house goes to rent. He will have to get a room or live with his parents. Though the house is owned jointly I paid for it. He won't contest it and if he did I'd know he wasn't the man I believed him to be and I'd be separating from him anyway so...

Goodness this was affecting oldest DC who was aware her daddy had gone AWOL abs I was becoming unwell. The HV said i have PND as a result (but hasn't followed up). Since "crisis" point he has been wonderful with the DCs they are unaware things could be going South again.

He has just called. Is on his way home hadn't realised I was in state and swears blind he isn't sinking or running again and won't.

But I still think I should go.

OP posts:
Original poster
lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 22:24

Lady do you mind me asking what happened to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
lordsandladies · 20/04/2015 21:17

So I'm crying again tonight because I'm exhausted and started bedtime at 6.30 still can't get baby down as DD1 overtired and ill and screaming wakes baby up and baby screams and wakes DC2 and round and round. Made and burnt my tea which I can't eat and was trying to cook other weeks meals which are now all fucked great.

DH out again. Just worked out apart from around 1-2 hours a day and a day out sunday (but he went out as soon as we got in) he hasn't been here.

Then today says he doesn't feel like I'm happy or that we are like husband and wife.

I felt bad like I need to try harder. Thought maybe i should use what precious little i have on a night out for us. But then on telephone i say i want a lie in tomorrow (I've done EVERY morning) and he says It's "not a competition he's very tired".

Really?

What's MH issues and what's selfishness. How do you draw a distinction?

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 20/04/2015 21:43

Oh dear exhausted lady, please go home! Flowers

Original poster
lordsandladies · 20/04/2015 21:50

Ok and now I feel bad again as he got my message I was struggling and is on way home and says I can do whatever tomorrow he'll have kids all day.

But it never feels like enough. Is it me, do I have unrealistic expectations and when they are young it just is a drudge. But it never felt this way with DC 1&2. I'm pretty sure we were happy :(

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2015 21:50

I think you lay down an ultimatum that he either steps up and does x y z every day or it is over.

It wasn't until I was in the process of leaving that dh woke up and started fighting his depression and we are both now in a much better place individually and as a couple. The fact is his behaviour is making you depressed and you would fair better on your own if he either he doesn't want to or can't change.

Original poster
lordsandladies · 20/04/2015 21:51

Thanks tipsy feel like a whinger

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2015 21:51

You would probably benefit from trying some antidepressants if you are depressed, they can help lift your mood so it feels more manageable and you can have the energy you need to make a decision.

Charlesroi · 20/04/2015 21:54

I really don't know where the line is between depression and selfishness OP.

What seems clear is that this life is not working for you and he is doing very little to help himself or you. Why hasn't he gone back to the docs and asked for different ADs, for example? He keeps disappearing despite knowing you are struggling - do you think he wants you to feel as bad as he does?

You can't go on like this and you can't rely on his promises to change (he didn't keep them before). Go to your parents house and get practical help and family support. Do it as soon as possible, no wavering. It might just be the kick up the arse he needs to seek professional help, and stick with it. Either way you can't be any worse off than you are now.

Good luck

43percentburnt · 20/04/2015 21:55

Won't try different ads. Won't go back to cbt. Won't move back to your parents town. Won't look after his children. Suicidal when caught staying in hotels. His dw is exhausted taking care of the entire family and being the sole earner.

What will he do to help himself or his family?

tipsytrifle · 20/04/2015 21:56

good goddess don't feel like a whinger. I was truly wiped out exhausted just inhaling your posts! RandomMess has made a much better post than I did, advice wise, but please - don't let a gift of a new home go that could be the saving of you. He could follow you there if you so wished.

Original poster
lordsandladies · 20/04/2015 21:59

Thanks Random it's good to hear from someone in the same boat. The thing is (took my mum to point this out) over Easter first few days I was the same tense, crying, lonely. Then I settled and when it came time to leave hers I was bright as a button. Had DC3 in her own cot. Nearly had DC2 potty trained. Felt I could come here and see what happened.

That was just under a full week ago. Now I've been in tears 4 times. Feel so tired. DC3 back in my bed. Dc2 not only fully back in nappies but has had a bottle the last 2 nights as she's so clingy I can't get her off me. And DC1 heartbreakingly said she wanted to move to grandmas but when DH said "I can't come" she paused and said "no mo ok I didn't mean it I'll live here".

She's bright she picked up on the conversations.

How did your DH deal with his MH issues and were his actions due to his depression or some due to being selfish?

OP posts: