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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm going to have to leave DH I think.

71 replies

lordsandladies · 17/04/2015 21:13

And want to know what to do for the best. I'll try and fail to be brief.

DH and I have been together over 19yrs. We lived in my rural home area until 7 years ago then moved to his city area as his father was unwell and needed help.

Since then we've been relatively happy though since having first 2 I've missed my parents and felt I wanted my DC to have a rural upbringing we've also had some issues with him being lazy in the house/childcare as I am the main breadwinner that's a problem.

Anyway he went into business with a friend got cheated lost everything. Massive personal debt and lost my money for my family that they have said to forget.

He has depression and anxiety as a result and we had an unexpected DC3. The last 9 months it spiralled to him just never being here. I have been totally alone with 3 DC. I Found out he's racked up more debt sleeping in hotels and he's been lying about where he is and who he has been with. When I found this out I was going to leave him but the fear of losing his family seemed to snap him back for 2 weeks to being my lovely DH again if not better as I was more honest in telling him he needed to shape up housework wise and share the load.

Then his family offered him an opportunity which he thought he could make a go of and feel less of a failure and have just snatched it away again for a variety of reasons (they I feel have a LOT to do with his MH issues). And as of 3 days ago he is either here and I can tell while he loves the DDs but can't really feel emotion towards me though he is sharing the workload or gone. He's gone right now.

I spent 2 weeks with my family for Easter despite having lost £££ they love him and me and as they are building a retirement home they have offered us their house. Rent free for 5 years at which point we can sell ours and buy theirs. Ours is a cramped new build. Theirs is a sprawling country place. It is in the village all my DCs cousins live in. Nearby all our old "couple" friends (we've no joint friends or social life here at all). I can be fully supported but they aren't intrusive they will leave us alone when needed. He lived and was happy there for 12 years. I want to go. It gives the DCs an environment we could never ever afford here.

DH won't go. He says he can't handle being "in view" when he's a failure and it will make his depression worse. I get that i think especially as my family are affluent BUT it's in his head they love him and don't care as long as he's good to me and the DC. Over Easter he visited and didn't want to leave! He seemed light and happy again He only came back for this shitty "opportunity"

So I decided to come back and see if I can be happy here support him. Get him healthy again but I'm so miserable and me being miserable makes him leave and drive so I'm alone again. I tried to cheer up and planned a night out with DCs "mum" friends but I haven't gone as he's now out instead saying he's not well enough to have the kids. So I'm here. Crying during my DCs bedtime songs and thinking I'm going to have to leave my DH and go home because he's leaving me no choice.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 20/04/2015 23:44

You have three small children to take care of. He is not taking responsibility for his illness. You need to take care of yourself so you can look after the children. Go home.

It might be the wake up call he needs to take responsibility for himself and seek help and treatment. It might not. But that is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and your children. He's not going to help with that, and you need support. Please, go home. I hate to think of you struggling like this.

tipsytrifle · 21/04/2015 08:28

You absolutely can't control everything lordsandladies. This is the gift and curse of humanity . One of many, no doubt, but it's way too early to pontificate. I think you would be wise and happier for the move. Get DC and yourself settled in a wonderful, free-er space. This doesn't mean abandoning him but truly, it's not good to sink down with him.

It's heartbreaking to see someone you love change beyond belief as depression and breakdown twist them into someone untouchable, unreachable. It's dangerous to your own inner health to stay put and it won't affect DH in terms of recovery.

Perhaps in time he will accept some kind of therapy? He's certainly been betrayed and let down so maybe feels he has nothing more of value in himself. I sympathise greatly. But you are gasping for air and your children aren't thriving either.

Weebirdie · 21/04/2015 09:38

Your children deserve better than this and so do you.

Original poster

lordsandladies · 21/04/2015 09:38

I know tipsy.

I've been calling schools this am about visiting and places DH came in and was not happy. He's ok playing with kids wants us to have a day out try and be "normal" while DD1 is in school which is nice but makes it harder because it's a flash of the old.

On the flipside just opened the mail to see creditcard is £250 over the limit (I don't use it). No chance of paying it. Moving gives a instant disposable income hike from struggling to pay debt to £1400 after bills

OP posts:

mix56 · 21/04/2015 10:16

You can only go so far, or give so much. It sounds like you have done everything possible to help & support, & he has done nothing. apart from self indulge. He needs to get help for his depression, & won't. It is unlikely to just go away.
He is getting you BOTH into debt.
Time to stop this downward spiral, go & take the helping hand that is offered to you, he can come or stay behind. But he might just need to man up & bit, eat his pride & thank his lucky stars that there is an escape from bankrupcy, & that you haven't ditched him.

Original poster

lordsandladies · 21/04/2015 10:25

And that has been my "final straw" mix.

I've done all the paid/child/house work while he's been ill.

I've paid the emotional price and isolation.

I've been there and non judgemental day and night. No sleep. No break. No help.

And I'd do it all again for him. But I can't take the financial battering anymore. I have to be able to protect the house and feed the kids.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 21/04/2015 10:40

It sounds like both of you actually realise that moving is the only sensible option to protect yourselves and the DCs.

You aren't choosing to break up the family or abandon him in his hour of need. You're offering him a lifeline and he's choosing not to take it.

Yes he is mentally unwell and yes he needs help and yes in sickness and in health but you cannot fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed.

You have given this man everything you've got to give, and now the well has figuratively and literally run dry.

Go. Get settled in, keep talking, emailing, texting, and tell him to follow you. But if he chooses not to, that's not your failing. It's his choice.

mix56 · 21/04/2015 11:14

Lorde&, it sounds like you have already worked this out, and just need reassurance that you are being fair.

Go & Pack your bag Lovely.

gemdrop84 · 21/04/2015 12:44

You sound lovely, he sounds extremely irresponsible. I have many sympathies for anyone who suffers with mh issues but as someone who has had mh issues, the first thing Ive done since diagnosis is become responsible for my recovery. Little steps that have helped me on the way to recover, eating better, taking medication, when my meds stopped working, I researched other ways to help me recover. But what I didn't do was run away, leave dh to it all and swan back in when I felt like it. It has entered my mind, but I couldn't do that to him or the dc. Protect your dc, do what's best for them, go and don't for one second feel guilty about it. If he doesn't want to help himself, there's nothing you can do.

MonstrousRatbag · 21/04/2015 12:58

Definitely go.

And your DH needs to make recovery his job for the time being. He won't magically get better, he will have to work at it. Try another AD, get some therapy (possibly CBT is not suitable for him, it often isn't), keep himself together and away from bad habits, be there for the children regularly.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/04/2015 13:23

Try not to really take it in when he says things like 'you'll still be my friend when you choose to leave me' and so on. When you're moderately depressed, you say all sorts of rubbish while you're feeling sorry for yourself. He'll be wallowing, twisting his own knife, like playing with a tooth that's about to fall out.

Be firm about the fact that you think it would do everyone good to move back and that he needs to start being more active in seeking help, and that you love him but that if you all stay in this situation then nothing is going to change and everything is going to get progressively worse. Be clear and firm (and kind) about that.

And then get on with it.

The situation isn't going to improve unless you take action. Don't leave these kinds of choices up to him now, he will simply not be able to make decisions. Do what you and your children need you to do, change the situation and then he can decide how he wants to act in a set of fresh circumstances.

emotionsecho · 21/04/2015 13:29

It sounds like he is almost wallowing in his 'failure', a sort of self fulfilling prophecy of 'see, they were right I'm not good enough, so I'll just spectacularly fail'. There is nothing good for him or you as a family to stay where you currently are, he knows this so why does he want to stay, to prove what and at what cost to you emotionally and financially?

Sometimes people in your dh's situation actually enjoy the failure because it is something they can control and do well and they can then play the martyr by saying 'Yes it's all my fault, you don't need to remind me' and before you know it you will be apologising to him for bringing it up, being sympathetic, assuring him it wasn't all his fault that you also played a part in it. The only way to break this cycle is for him to get help, face up to it and move forward. You can't do that for him.

You need to go home for the sake of you and your children, you need to be tough and set things up in such a way that you and the children are financially secure. It would be great for him if he were to come with you and grt the help he needs away from his family who are making matters worse and amongst your family who would help and support him without judgement. You can't force him to come with you, you can try and persuade him but you also need to set some criteria for him otherwise he will just carry all the destructive baggage with him.

It's an awful situation for you all to be in but you need to put yourself and your children's health and wellbeing first. Go home to your parents, you need a safe, secure environment to deal with this.

missqwerty · 21/04/2015 16:53

This sounds like a really sad situation. I actually feel sorry for you both. It's obvious he's had a breakdown hence his behaviour. Please don't leave him due to this, it's not his fault and hand on heart I can say a breakdown is one of the worst experiences life throws at you. If he hasn't already herd of Claire Weekes then tell him to Google her, she was a doctor who totally understood anxiety and depression and wrote many books and audios which some are free on Google. Her work Is amazing and will help him no end if he gives it a try. The thing about people who have had a breakdown is they put life on hold till they get better, they are so scared of their symptoms they fear the future with them.

From the sound of things he needs to go with you, tell him what is important is the family and all your wellbeing. He needs to focus on getting better and he needs to listen before he drives you to the same pits of despair.

Fingers crossed it all works out great for you all

Jan45 · 21/04/2015 17:35

I think you are amazing but now, it's time for you and the children, give yourself that break, you are not his carer or his counsellor - if he wont help himself, then that's his problem, you need to put your children before him, he is contributing to your stressful life massively - it really is time to walk away, until he himself at least shows you he wants and is willing to seek help.

upaladderagain · 21/04/2015 18:33

Totally agree with missqwerty. One of Claire Weekes' books really, really helped my DH several years ago when he had a breakdown. I remember him sitting up in bed reading it and saying "Oh yes! That's me! How does she know".

mix56 · 21/04/2015 21:16

He walked out for 3 weeks, leaving house & home, & turning his phone off. & has got them into debt. I have no doubts that he has genuine problems, but whilst he is acting irresponsibly, there has to be a point where you stop the damage.
OP has to keep her job & family together alone, she was already unhappy with the move but went to this city to support OH & family. She needs help & is getting none from him, her own mental health is being put to the test.
She is not leaving her husband, he is refusing help, & may or not follow her when she says it is the obvious immediate solution. The last thing she needs is people telling her she is not supporting him. She has 3 small children, they need her too.

Original poster

lordsandladies · 23/04/2015 14:12

Thanks.

For those of you with experience does a breakdown / depression mean you can't ever commit to things because I'm really struggling with this bit.

So for example we have a job that needs doing. Him not doing it will cost us another 100 next week (cost over 900 so far!) All he has to say to me is if I can hire a van or not today. If i hire it will he be there. Just one of many many things he needs to be doing.

But he has wandered about all day unable to give me a yes or no. Gone out now unable to say where or for how long or if he will or won't do xy and z that needs doing.

He's "in limbo" unable to decide anything. To commit to anything.

Does that sound right???? I hate non definitive planning it's driving me to be angry which I shouldn't be if it's the illness?

OP posts:

TurnItIn · 23/04/2015 14:25

Indecisiveness can be a part of depression, yes indeed.

That doesn't make it OK for you though. He is going to drag you and the children down into financial ruin if he keeps this up.

emotionsecho · 23/04/2015 14:51

lordsandladies it possibly is due to depression, but he needs professional help with his mental health, with the best will in the world you are not qualified to deal with this.

Yes you can support him once he is receiving the professional help he needs but if he keeps refusing to do do there is nothing you can do to help him, he will just drag you and your children into the abyss with him.

You making a definitive decision and taking control of your and your children's lives and future, whilst offering him the option of coming with you and accessing help and receiving the support he needs from you and your parents is not abandoning him to his fate and may well be the impetus he needs.

Scornedwoman67 · 23/04/2015 19:43

Hi OP
I have some experience of this & having read your whole thread I would say the first thing you must do is make sure you & your DC's are safe and secure. Take up the offer of the house. Once that pressure is off you, you will be in a much better place to help him if he will accept such help. If he does everyone will be in a better position- if he doesn't then at least you have protected yourself and your health. You sound like an amazingly strong woman. Sending you my very best wishes.

mix56 · 23/04/2015 20:40

At some point you are going to have to stop him recklessly spending money you don't have.
I think you are going to have to put your foot down. Even if you go back to your parents home, he will continue spending, you are going to have to turn the tap off. Not to hurt him, but to protect yourself.

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