I'm going to have to leave DH I think.

[lordsandladies]

And want to know what to do for the best. I'll try and fail to be brief.

DH and I have been together over 19yrs. We lived in my rural home area until 7 years ago then moved to his city area as his father was unwell and needed help.

Since then we've been relatively happy though since having first 2 I've missed my parents and felt I wanted my DC to have a rural upbringing we've also had some issues with him being lazy in the house/childcare as I am the main breadwinner that's a problem.

Anyway he went into business with a friend got cheated lost everything. Massive personal debt and lost my money for my family that they have said to forget.

He has depression and anxiety as a result and we had an unexpected DC3. The last 9 months it spiralled to him just never being here. I have been totally alone with 3 DC. I Found out he's racked up more debt sleeping in hotels and he's been lying about where he is and who he has been with. When I found this out I was going to leave him but the fear of losing his family seemed to snap him back for 2 weeks to being my lovely DH again if not better as I was more honest in telling him he needed to shape up housework wise and share the load.

Then his family offered him an opportunity which he thought he could make a go of and feel less of a failure and have just snatched it away again for a variety of reasons (they I feel have a LOT to do with his MH issues). And as of 3 days ago he is either here and I can tell while he loves the DDs but can't really feel emotion towards me though he is sharing the workload or gone. He's gone right now.

I spent 2 weeks with my family for Easter despite having lost £££ they love him and me and as they are building a retirement home they have offered us their house. Rent free for 5 years at which point we can sell ours and buy theirs. Ours is a cramped new build. Theirs is a sprawling country place. It is in the village all my DCs cousins live in. Nearby all our old "couple" friends (we've no joint friends or social life here at all). I can be fully supported but they aren't intrusive they will leave us alone when needed. He lived and was happy there for 12 years. I want to go. It gives the DCs an environment we could never ever afford here.

DH won't go. He says he can't handle being "in view" when he's a failure and it will make his depression worse. I get that i think especially as my family are affluent BUT it's in his head they love him and don't care as long as he's good to me and the DC. Over Easter he visited and didn't want to leave! He seemed light and happy again He only came back for this shitty "opportunity"

So I decided to come back and see if I can be happy here support him. Get him healthy again but I'm so miserable and me being miserable makes him leave and drive so I'm alone again. I tried to cheer up and planned a night out with DCs "mum" friends but I haven't gone as he's now out instead saying he's not well enough to have the kids. So I'm here. Crying during my DCs bedtime songs and thinking I'm going to have to leave my DH and go home because he's leaving me no choice.

WWYD?

Feck I sound like a terrible mother and sorry my posts are so rambly. I'm not honestly they are really really good DCs but I had DC1 all sorted with sleep/nappies/weaned by the same ages! Feel I'm letting them down.

Well he committed to go back to seeing a therapist (someone he'd seen privately previous and stopped after a few sessions because it upset him too much) and he u turned from hiding away and not engaging with me to trying to engage.

So the big difference was that he was trying.

I won't lie it's not easy, I have long depression and can be very selfish too but it's a world away from what it was.

It took him a week to come to me and ask for me to reconsider and try and I took me a while to feel okay about it, it had been sheer relief telling him it was over after having decided it was and financially extricating enough to make physically leaving possible.

If your H chooses to do nothing, to not actually change at all then cut your losses and go. Keep yourself mentally strong is so important.

I'm really not finding anything to dislike about you and Dc moving away. I don't think YOU need anti-depressants either. Everything sounds so very much better for you and the kids when you're away from him and this toxic destructive environment. Without any chemical intervention you had all the kids behaving perfectly, pretty much. And now they have regressed? That says a lot.

I'm sure that underneath you know you have to cut this guy out of your life. You can't go on carrying him forever.

Go, just you and your dcs, have a lovely life and leave him to sort out his own problems. You cannot fix him.

Focus on your children, he's draining all the life out of you, and you need it for your kids.

Well that helps thank you. On the face of it he is trying (though still stubbornly not with help) him being here and having the kids at all is an improvement from 5 weeks ago when he was literally gone. All day every day i was alone and phone switched off.

He is talking more though it takes him a while to open and comes in spurts.

The problem is while I can see him trying I don't know if I can last long enough to make it.

If we were a couple with no DCs I would be all about supporting him through it, but we have 3. No money to "buy" help like a cleaner or even online shopping. And I HAVE to keep my job. I just don't know if I can make it.

Go home my love, its not only the best thing for you and the kids, its the best for your dh believe it or not.
he can't see this, so just keep telling him.
Tell him its not working but how much better it will be.
If he doesn't follow you, you have tried your best

Agreeing with morethan ...

Twinkle honestly if I was reading these posts is say the same and if we were always here you wouldn't see my heels for dust.

But for 18 out of 19 years apart from the usual spats abd being a bit stubborn he's been a wonderful man father and husband. Vs 9 months of being a selfish damaged uncertain prick.

I want my husband back :(

morethan I think you are right. How the fuck do I tell him though. How do I uproot DCs.

I know 1 phone call to my dad would have him down here with Pickfords which oddly just made me smile. DH has always loved DF for that kind of decisiveness!

Do you think he'll come? Do you think moving away from negativity might work?

Go to your Mum's and leave the door open for him to come when he's ready to make big changes? Perhaps you can view it as rest period - you need to go to your Mum's and recover enough strength to make a decision about the longer term resolution.

It would also give him the chance to decide whether he's going to fight for his family or just give up.

Imagine this the other way round.

A dh working as the main earner, looking after the children single handed , getting his parents to pay towards childcare, 4 hours away from his parents who offer them a nice house to live in, whilst dw is spending nights away in hotels, avoiding ads and cbt. Unable to look after the children, unable to clean. Pining over a lost business venture. Refusing to move closer to mil and Fil. Spending time away from the family.

If you stop coping, for whatever reason, your situation will be infinitely worse. Your mental health is the priority here, you and your children are relying on your ability to work and care for them. If that means moving then so be it. Your health is very important.

You both have to sit down and be honest with each other.
Maybe harder than it sounds, i know.
He needs to know how good it will be and that's hard if you are depressed.
You need to get across how much support you are lacking, tell him it isn't normal, but you aren't blaming him its the situation.
I have been here, but much earlier on in relationship and no kids.
It's hard when you really love the person, I know.
He has to get away from the negativity but you and the kids need support.
Keep telling him how much you love him and it isn't his fault and he may listen and agree to anything you say.
Good luck.

43 DH has actually told me to go. He says I'm happier there. Says it's best for DCs.

But he also ssys he thinks we'll drift further, and will I still be his best friend when I choose to leave him :(

Random I've always been the driving positive force for this family. He's never been the career focused or strong one but he's always dealt with my emotional needs to enable me to succeed. Perhaps me being so weak is destroying us too. Maybe you are right and that space will give us the ability to fight for this.

7 years ago he had a good job. He had strong friends. We had a good "couple" life. Then we moved here...

Morethan did you make it as a couple?

my two pence worth.... he seems to be away a lot - he is always 'somewhere else'. I second those who say it doesn't sound like you need ADs - you are proportionately distressed by the situation. He seems to have tried quite a few different things to help himself, but then really not stuck with them in any meaningful way. He strikes me as having more control over his life than appearances suggest. I hope you find courage and happiness

hes having a breakdown imo and whilst this must be awful, this would be a really shitty time to leave someone

Yes, had our ups and downs been married 23 years I think) married 1992.
i love him with all my heart and he is a brilliant dh and good father. We have 3 dc.
He was ill and I was too, neither of us had the strength to call it a day.
We separated, i went home, we paid off debt and worked our butts off to get back together. We had no kids though, it is much more for you to cope with.
You don't need intervention you are a brilliant mum too.
Just look how the kids were settled, you have to do it and your dh has to see this.
If he does come with you I would make it a condition he seeks some sort of help, medication, counselling or any other methods offered.

When he tells you to go, where does he say he will go?

Really daft question, is there any chance at all his initial disappearances at least could have been another woman? Sorry if I've offended or upset you with that.

Go, whilst you still can. Your dc need stability and you need some support.

Leave the door open for your husband, if he chooses to come back to his family, make sure he understands that he needs help and if he refuses then ultimately its his choice but not to expect you to keep picking up the pieces all the time.

It may take days, weeks or even months. He may need that shock of you leaving with the dc that motivates him to seek help.

Your children are picking up on this. You need to put them first. Yes you love your husband, but he's choosing not to seek out help. With the best will in the world, you wont fix him.

I'm sorry if that seems harsh, my heart does go out to all of you

Oh, definitely ditto about the breakdown I'm afraid.
My dh did this, I thought other woman for a while.
The poor lad is running away from the situation, he isn't capable of facing it imo.
All you can do is try and get through by talking and maybe going round and round and round until you get there.

I think you and the children must come first. I would set yourselves free of him.

43 initially moving there was his idea. He wanted to split our time between there and here. Then eventually he'd come there. Since it all went to shit he now says he will just get a flat or a room somewhere.

I did think other woman. And every now and then there is that sliver of "am I a total fool and he's fucking someone else and the world as I know it is a big lie". I don't think the man I knew would. I see his distress and unease and when those flashes of concern for me come back in and think he can't be. And to be honest at the time I've straight out told him if he is just tell me. I will never cut him off from the kids and we'd part as friends and I honest to god meant it and he knew it so why not just take that as the opportunity to be gone if it were?

I do think he's had a breakdown. His ego and trust in others has basically been destroyed. His best friend screwed him. Others showed they were never really friends. His dad has basically dug the knife in and I'd shown an inner city boy a life he could never hope to emulate with my family and his attempt to came crashing down. Not that I want or need that. I just want him. All my family love him for him. But he can't believe it and it's like he's going to destroy us and create what he believes however hard I fight it.

Move back, leave the door open for him to join you but don't waste too much time or mental energy on worrying about whether he will or not. Cut him loose, he's currently a dead weight on both you and the children.

You can't help someone who is refusing to be helped, who is drama-llama-ing round the place and wearing you out. Put yourself and the kids first. You matter just as much as he does, and the kids matter much more.

Is it possible to reason with him that the load on you both is too heavy? And that moving to your parents would be a good solution.

He sounds like my uncle. Everything was about the next "opportunity". Eventually he lost his home. Can you reason with him that actually a salaried job is a safer option?

Fleecy I had to split our finances to protect the basics. Otherwise i think we would already be there. I did want him to do just a job but he says he can't cope with one right now which I get, he has panic attacks. Is genuinely ill.

Fuck I love him but he's making it really hard. It's like I want to call time out until he's found his path again. But that's a really shit thing to do to someone you love isn't it and I'm scared that path doesn't lead to anywhere good. But I can't control everything either can I?