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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Three months and they're off - is this true? Dumped for first time at 47!

56 replies

SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 11:17

So, never ever dated before in my life as got married to first boyfriend. At Christmas I met (internet) lovely man (similar relationship background (he married his wife within a month and been separated for 10 months)) who came on incredibly strong - wanted us to be engaged after 10 days, we met each other's kids, parents etc, we saw each other every day, my kids had two sleepovers at his wonderful house, we are just back from holiday he paid for (me and my kids) and he promised me the stars and a long life together. Then, wham, out of nowhere - 'he has to let me down'. 'I believed those things when I said them' etc, and worst of all 'I don't feel it as much as you do'. I am totally heart-broken as am head over heels in love with him, his certainty made me lower my defences. So, two questions - how can I stop it hurting (I can barely breathe) and (pathetic, I know) is there any hope he may change his mind....

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 16/04/2015 11:27

I'm sorry to hear about the situation and I am sure it will be a terrible shock.

My only observation is - too much too soon.

Anyone who comes on "incredibly strong" in the first three months (10 days want to be engaged??) is absolutely one to be raising the Red Flag to.

I'm afraid I would have walked away at that very moment - you cannot develop such deep feelings so quickly and so ironically this declaration at such an early stage is a sign of shallowness.

I'd recommend reading up about Red Flags. He is classic I'm afraid :-(

LadyBlaBlah · 16/04/2015 11:28

And NO do not entertain a change of mind from him.

He is shallow. A possible narcissist. But overall a waste of space.

Use him as a learning tool. That is the only positive you can get out of this.

murphys · 16/04/2015 11:29

Sorry Sahm. And I know you don't want to hear this either, but no, he probably wont change his mind.

There is a very strong chance that he has met someone else. Sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2015 11:29

Keep yourself busy with work, family/friends and interests and work further on rebuilding your own self esteem and worth. Such men really damage that.

Why would you want him to change his mind, for goodness sake do not demean yourself further by doing the pick me dance and or maintaining any form of contact with him. Keep your dignity intact.

I think you actually dodged a bullet there with him; there's a lot of red flags surrounding him not least of all the wanting for you to be engaged to him after only 10 days and being married within a month and separated within 10 months. What does that tell you about him?. Men like this who come on very strong can actually be controlling by nature as well emotionally abusive. He has used you and spat you out.

I would also suggest you read "The Loser" by Dr Joe Carver as this will further help you too. This excerpt is from there:-

"The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship".

The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life.

As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon.

"The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:

Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.

Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.

If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.

In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."

When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!

Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.

DO NOT LET HIM BACK INTO YOUR LIFE.

Dowser · 16/04/2015 11:39

Yes too much too soon.

Avoid.

Enjoy your holiday for what it was.

You don't want someone who blows hot or cold depending on which way the wind blows.

Better the slow steady plodder than the whizz kid!

Blossomflowers · 16/04/2015 11:57

SAHM Firstly you are not pathetic, you believed you had found the one and it hurts when this happens. Bus as others have said it all too much too soon. Seriously wanting to get engaged after 10 days should been seen as a huge red flag. This is coming from someone OLD for the past year, I have been taken in by a couple of real players. Pick yourself, dust yourself down and when you are ready get back on the dating scene. Feel free to join our dating thread when you are ready Flowers Cake

SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 12:18

Thank you all sooo much - I am relieved that there is a consensus. I did just think he was a 'jumper in-er' and that he had form when it comes to making quick decisions. He said at first that he had been very miserable for years with his ex-wife - now he says he can't be angry with her (even though she treated him appallingly) nd must still love her. The worst thing is that due to support (hah!) from Loser I have taken a firmer line with my ex and now he is furious with me and sending me terrible texts. So what with the patronising ones from Loser ('I know how much it hurts - I've been there') and the stinking ones from ex, I feel like I am losing it. The other really sh@@@y thing is that Loser knew how bad and low I had been and encouraged me to rely on him - and now I feel worse than i did before...

OP posts:
SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 12:21

The other thing is he had a lifestyle I could never achieve or even have dreamt of, and said he would support me to be a stay-at-home-mum indefinitely etc. How could I have known I shouldn't have believed him? Who would make those commitments if they were not going to follow through? And how could he involve my kids - who are at primary school and I now have to tell 'Guess what, mummy's screwed up again'

OP posts:
SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 12:24

Thanks Atilla - I will read up on that - although I am both the Loser and the Lost as he broke up with me...

OP posts:
wannaBe · 16/04/2015 12:25

I'd guess that after just a ten month split from such a long term marriage he was almost certainly on the rebound. It's not uncommon sadly. Tbh it's better that he's been honest with you, at least he didn't string you along.

People warn of rebound relationships but in truth those in them rarely see them coming, it's just a whole new situation they get swept away in, the feelings of infatuation after having been rejected or having left a bad relationship, and when reality starts to kick home and they start thinking about more than that initial flood of emotion they start to think more humanly again and it's then that the doubt kicks in.

At least he was honest and at least it was only four months.

Things will get better. Only thing I'd suggest is not to introduce the kids too soon again.

SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 12:26

Never even heard of Red Flags, Lady BlaBlah, so thanks for the tip - not that I think I will ever be out there again....

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SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 12:33

wannaBe, oh my gosh yes. It went against all my instincts but he was so keen on merging our families and living together that I lowered my guard. He really did have a fabulous lifestyle. I am glad he was honest, and actually think he was looking for wild passionate love whereas I was hoping for companionship and good breath! I think once you have experienced longterm closeness and then lost it, even making two cups of tea and having a chat is heavenly!

OP posts:
SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 12:49

Sorry - just to add to patheticness of situation, we had both only been in one long term relnshp before - each for 25 years or more. I think we were probably desperate, and that may be if we had been out with a few more people, he may have appreciated me more ????

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2015 12:53

I do not think he would have been able to appreciate you regardless because he is that shallow and insecure. I think this man would have gone onto try and control you completely, certainly he was not honest.

I was wondering what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and whether your former relationship was abusive in nature. I would suggest you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme if that is the case and enrol yourself onto that.

SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 12:57

I am a certifiable people-pleaser, and have no personality of my own! I was attracted to husband because of essentially passive nature - but then spent my life trying to please him. I will have a look at WAFP thank you.

OP posts:
Baddz · 16/04/2015 12:57

Well.
You have been very silly :(
Talking about getting engaged after 10 days!?
Introducing your kids after such a short time?
Some wanker did this to my vulnerable sil after her divorce....and therein lies the reason for this behaviour.
You were vulnerable.
Some men prey on that I'm afraid.
For he love of God, when he comes back bleating about "not being sure of his feelings" and "needing time" (which he will) do not let him back in your life.
Learn from this and move on x

Baddz · 16/04/2015 12:58

Regarding your last post...I suggest taking some time our for you.
Learn what you like, and what your long term goals are.
Take up a new hobby...or go back to an old one.
Take classes...the world is your oyster :)
X

AnyFucker · 16/04/2015 12:58

Oh dear, it seems you have learned the hard way that it's best to give the Charming Man a very wide berth

MyDHhasnomemory · 16/04/2015 13:01

with the patronising ones from Loser Tell him not to text or call or email you again.

'Guess what, mummy's screwed up again' Don't think like that. This guy caught you off guard and you got swept away in all the intensity of it. You made a mistake, we all do it, your kids will understand.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Spend time here reading about red flags and what to look out for, it's an education Smile

dwinnol · 16/04/2015 13:04

He has lead you to believe that he was a serious and credible person to trust and he has now shown that he is in fact flaky and a loser. Please do not let this rock your sense of your self or your judgement. It is him that has behaved badly and for what it is worth he probably did fall in love with you but he's the sort that falls hard and quickly and has no sense of being true and faithful.

You've got to pick yourself up and move on.

Don't tell your children that you have screw up again, tell them that he and you have decided that you would rather be friends than partners and then quietly drop any mention of him. Be positive and up beat about any mention of him and say that yes, it will be nice to see them all again and you must arrange it.... they will soon move on.

SAHMlikeitHOT · 16/04/2015 13:05

Wow! This has certainly helped! Any other tips for getting through the 'I wonder what he's doing? If we were still together this would be our takeout night' phase? I had been living with depression for ages so suddenly to be euphoric and then not has been so hard.

OP posts:
trackrBird · 16/04/2015 13:08

Well, my jaw hit the floor, on reading your OP.
You have dodged a serious bullet.

Stay away from anyone who wants to be engaged after 10 days, promises you the stars and a long life together, does you too many generous favours... and it's best to leave kids out of it for many months more than that.

Its very likely that his behaviour was NOT honest, and that you were seeing a show of fakery before your relationship became something very different.

Read up on red flags, as pp have said. And trust your instincts if you come across this again Brew

trackrBird · 16/04/2015 13:09

X post....try no contact, cold turkey. Not easy but it's probably best, OP.

OddSockBag · 16/04/2015 13:10

Stop being so hard on yourself! He did this, not you. Your only 'crime' was to trust someone.
Take a day or two to wallow in feeling sad then take a deep breath, sort yourself out and relax. Not all men are like this and if you want, you can meet someone else. Don't see yourself as a 'loser' think of it as an experience. You had fun, yes? Had a good holiday, yes? Now it's time to move on and get on with your life. You don't have 'no personality ' you've just been with someone for a long time and forgotten how to be by yourself. You will be fine. It's scary but exciting too. Find new hobbies, go to some evening classes. Take up salsa. Enjoy your life again.
Just realise you are worth more than being treated like this. Don't let him come back and treat you like that again. You're better than that.

LadyBlaBlah · 16/04/2015 13:12

Try www.baggagereclaim.co.uk - he is most definitely a future faker, assclown and probably many other breeds of male to keep away from.

Dating can be fun, but you do need to try and place your trust in the right people - as much as is humanly possible.

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