Three months and they're off - is this true? Dumped for first time at 47!

[SAHMlikeitHOT]

So, never ever dated before in my life as got married to first boyfriend. At Christmas I met (internet) lovely man (similar relationship background (he married his wife within a month and been separated for 10 months)) who came on incredibly strong - wanted us to be engaged after 10 days, we met each other's kids, parents etc, we saw each other every day, my kids had two sleepovers at his wonderful house, we are just back from holiday he paid for (me and my kids) and he promised me the stars and a long life together. Then, wham, out of nowhere - 'he has to let me down'. 'I believed those things when I said them' etc, and worst of all 'I don't feel it as much as you do'. I am totally heart-broken as am head over heels in love with him, his certainty made me lower my defences. So, two questions - how can I stop it hurting (I can barely breathe) and (pathetic, I know) is there any hope he may change his mind....

Well yes, Baddz, I know I have been silly now .... ! Luckily I hadn't mentioned the Disneyland trip he was apparently planning, am just so annoyed at myself for letting the kids get involved - but he was so certain....I thought it was a fairy tale and deep down I did think it was never going to happen but thought that was just my lack of self-esteem!

Yes, I think you are right. Most women when proposed to after 10 days would run a mile! (I know I did!!:))
And I am sorry to be blunt, but hopefully you won't do this again.
The wanker who did this to my sil promised Her exactly what he knew she wanted which for Her was marriage and children.
Only you know what you want and I am sure this man promised you everything you dreamed of.
As pp have said, learn from this and move on.
Being silly is not a crime! I am sorry you have been hurt x

Thank you all for your advice. I should have been reading up about what could go wrong instead of just enjoying myself. Love really is a drug! He did promise me exactly what I wanted which was to be able to provide my children with security. He even told me how he would treat them in his will - ffs, that suddenly appears really weird but it wasn't at the time.

I have decided to spend most of the weekend in the cinema - seems to be a good low-fat option (if I take grapes), and will also stop me getting too drunk!

Well..hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?
If I were you I would be trying to look back on the fun few weeks that you have enjoyed, and a presumably nice holiday and accept that you were too trusting.
It won't happen again, I'm sure.
Not all men are like this.
There are some good ones!
Maybe take some time for yourself before trying dating again.
X

I always used to go to the cinema when I was upset!
Just make sure it's an upbeat funny film and not a tearjerker!

It sounds a great idea, have some fun :)

Oh and by the way I did have the strength of mind to tell him that of course we couldn't be engaged, and that I wanted him to be really really sure before he committed.....

Oh I do feel so sorry for you, op.

I'm sure it'll be a LONG time before you can view that holiday as 'just a nice time' - if ever.

Well, he is Mr crud of crudsville but you weren't to know that. Use this shocking punch to really do some work on yourself now - eg people-pleaser, low self-esteem etc. Time to invest in YOU re therapy? It's been the massive and unbearably painful shocks in my life that have galvanised me to get some stuff sorted in therapy. You can get low-cost therapy through eg women's orbs. I really would recommend it.

You have dodged a major bullet but I'm sure you don't feel that at this absolute minute

Been there; done it. Learn from it. You'll survive; nobody died.

*Women's orgs!

I'm really sorry about your bad experience SAHM - that is totally shite for him to have lowered your defenses - it sounds either very calculated, like he was setting it all up, or he suddenly got cold feet after the first wave of euphoria.

attila the list of "what makes a Loser" is insightful and obviously based on lots of research. The downside is there are lots of generalisations in there that become 'red flags' and could make people mis-trusting and cynical if taken out of context. I guess my suggestion is not to take all those things necessarily as "red flags". Sometimes taking a chance in life (and in relationships), can be high-stakes but the rewards are there.

Intuition is often a good indicator - SAHM, maybe you heard what you wanted and 'edited out' the bits that didn't ring true? Just a thought, but maybe something to consider next time round....

My DP and I broke several big "rules in the book" (getting involved very quickly, saying we loved each other within weeks, wanting to commit early), we did take a lot of chances. To my point about context, we had both been through massive upheaval, and in our heart of hearts we knew we could not let each other down with broken promises. We struck lucky.

I know mine is only one example, all I'm saying SAHM, don't lose all faith in mankind, despite your bad experience, they aren't all bad'uns (or is that baddun's - who knows . Take it steady xx

Ouch.

Take it slowly next time.

Thank you - I do feel like an extremely naive idiot but at least I gave it my best shot. I was able to be my real self, I tried to live in the moment, and I did try to keep my feet on the ground. I just so wanted to be wanted, it was lovely!

I agree that you should look upon this as a good thing. Once you have been through it once its unlikely you will go through it again. I've been out with the future faking narc who put me through hell and as someone posted on one of my threads once you have seen this kind of behaviour you can't 'unsee' it.
I've just started dating someone who seems wonderful and has also spoken of future plans and feelings. Not marriage I hasten to add. I'm relaxing into it a bit more but as its still such early days I can only respond with a 'that sounds lovely we will see how it goes' whereas old me would have been tripping the light fantastic at a mere hint of a future!
It will all unfold and I hope he is a good guy and it turns out a story such as daisychain but the merest hint of shittiness I am off!!
I'm sorry you are going through this. I would second having a look at baggage reclaim website. Especially the future faking article. enjoy the cinema and hope that the pain lessens soon.

Thank you all for your support.

Previous plan had been for me to stay the night at the flat we had, trying to really speed up the grieving but will not now do that, as am going to concentrate on feeling exploited and deceived rather than 'not good enough' and 'defective'.

but so so sad.

Still this is the first time I've cried today - so that's progress ...

Those baggage reclaim and narcissist sites really frightened me - can't help wishing I was the smug married I planned on being at this stage in life! (Not to ex, though, oh no!)

Don't let them frighten you. You know a lot more than a very high percentage of the female (and male) population. I wish I had found them years ago.

It's such a relief when a white knight comes along, especially if life is hard for you. He sounded as though he said lots of things which he probably did mean at the time but he said them all too soon- he made you promises and really has fucked with your head. Plus his lifestyle and wealth made him more attractive and possibly turned your head.

The advice on what to tell your DC up thread is good, and I suggest you try and ignore him if he does contact you, which he will, I expect, he wants to know, you see- don't give him the pleasure- and use the time to plan out your diary, get very busy, even if it's family history or picnics or whatever, your DC like, camping? or talks at the local museum - just become very independent emotionally, so next time someone has plans for your life, you think " um, no.i quite like it as it is... ."

When something's too good to be true, it's generally a warning sign:)

Oh please don't feel 'not good enough'! You come across as very positive and lively, despite having the rug taken from under you.

I was about to post exactly what ouch said - once you see this behaviour pattern you can't 'unsee' it. It's hard to go back to the time when you didn't know about it, so your comment I should have been reading up about what could go wrong instead of just enjoying myself is fair enough - because no-one would do that - good point.

I hope you find someone much more worth your while soon (and am sure you will).

Hello SAH

It sounds like a whirl wind romance !

I wonder if spending 24x7 with you & your children on holiday gave him cold feet, because it is different to spending time with one another on a daily basis

I wonder if it was the reality of starting a new relationship, too soon

Getting engaged after 10 days, lovely holiday, seems to good to be true !

Perhaps you both let your emotional barriers down too soon

Suggest taking your time to get to know the next person, before getting too involved

Good luck next time

What a twatbadger!

If you've never dated before you can see this as a learning experience. It takes awhile to get to grips with sorting the wheat from the chaff.

Don't waste time beating yourself up. You trusted someone who let you down - that happens to everyone and much better to be the truster than the twatbadger!

Also going to agree that you've dodged a bullet - now make sure you stay dodged!
So if he comes back, tail between his legs, saying he's decided that you are "The One" after all, you can tell him to sling his hook.

I would imagine that he's had a reconciliation with his wife, or possibly found another online date that he likes EVEN BETTER than you - either way, he's hopeless. Anyone that jumps in that hard and fast needs to be treated with extreme caution - but how could you have known that?

You do now however - and you'll know better next time. :)

Sometimes blokes can fall instantly in love/lust and promise the earth but then a few months down the line it fizzles out when they find that you are not what they thought you were in their head. Most women take much longer to get to know a bloke. If you give too much in the beginning then you can end up scaring them off. As others have said you have to take the first three to six months slowly and get to know them properly.

OMG, op it sounds like you were targeted and if you were dropped it's only because a more challenging goal has appeared, or something has got in the way which would 'out' him for the abuser he is!
Please don't ever expose your children to this again........there have been too many cases where they are the intended victims!

Well you will have definitely learnt from this. You know you have been overly naive and trusting. I don't understand why you would accept him paying for a holiday for you after just a few months?? As for involving the children very early on, you will have learnt from that too.

When I met someone new after a the breakdown of a long relationship I couldn't believe my luck. I didn't think allowing him to meet the children early on mattered because it felt like it was going to be a serious relationship. It did last a year but looking back I can see how he pressurised me into letting him stay over at my home far too early and I would never do that again.

At three months I think it should still be fun going out dates, just getting to know each other, no talk of the future.

You will meet someone like this again because IME lots of men are full on at first and over enthusiastic. At least this time you will be prepared.