Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Just some un-opinionated advise

58 replies

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 08:49

Hey, So I've been with my boyfriend four years, we lived together for the past year and it wasn't how I imagined it to me, we've argued almost on a daily basis, recently we decided to move out of rented accommodation and go back to our parents to save for our own place. The problem is, I've been having itchy feet the past 5 months, I then made a massive mistake and cheated on him with a colleague. He doesn't know this and I don't wish to tell him as I feel it is just unnecessary heartbreak for him. I know i have to break up with him for both of us. How could I walk down the isle with such a lie on my shoulders? the thought of ending it and knowing I'll break his heart makes me physically sick. I don't know how to do it or what to say without him thinking it's him that's caused it. Please Help!!

OP posts:

Hobby2014 · 16/04/2015 08:56

Don't tell him you cheated and just break up with him. Say it's not working out, you don't want to argue everyday with the person you live with and you did want to live with the person you're with. You're obviously not compatible. You're really sorry.

That's what I'd do anyway. Going to be hard though.

Quitelikely · 16/04/2015 08:59

Tell him you don't feel this relationship is right for either of you.

Don't cave in. This is your instinct telling you. Listen to it.

Do not get married. Do not move in together.

blueberrypie0112 · 16/04/2015 08:59

I am trying not to sound so opinionated but Why didn't you worry when you cheated if he meant so much to you? You need to think about your relationship. Are you 100% committed to him? Tell him the truth.

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 08:59

Thank you, It's just much easier to be dumped than be the dumpee!
It's taking away the safety blanket that's hard too...I'll let you know how it goes!

OP posts:

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:02

I've spent the past 3 years being 2nd best to his work which I knew from the start and it was never an issue, I guess when we moved in and it was constant bickering and arguments. I just seeked fun and apparently found that in my colleague, totally unacceptable and a massive regret.
It's that whole not really knowing someone until you live with them cliche.

OP posts:

pictish · 16/04/2015 09:07

Tell him you no longer love him and can't see a future together.
You can say how very sorry you are that you feel the way you do and if you could wave a wand to make it different, you would...but you can't and you know know it's over.

That's it. There's no way to soften the blow of this. The most respectful thing you can do is be honest and concise. Don't string him along with maybes or long winded discussions about it.

Just be kind and sorry but firm.

I do feel for you...it's horrible but it's impossible to break up with someone who is in love with you without hurting them. The least you can do is make it a clean break so he can start the healing process asap.

Good luck xx

springydaffs · 16/04/2015 09:14

Wow. You want things your own way by the sound of it. From instructing us the type of advice you want to avoiding the emotional consequence of the skanky thing you did by cheating on him re how can I get out of this without divulging what a shit I've been,

He may not be perfect but let the poor man go to find someone who doesn't dictate her needs are the top priority at all costs.

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:25

Hardly, When I say un-opinionated, it's an outsiders point of view rather than someone that knows me. The last thing I need is some stranger getting on my case.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 09:27

Is advice ever un-opinionated?

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:31

Simply just wanted some advise from someone that didn't know either of. clearly, for some that isn't possible. They would rather judge and call someone a skank.

Thanks to those that did help!

OP posts:

LadyBlaBlah · 16/04/2015 09:34

Unopinionated advice = Oxymoron

What's the big deal in breaking up with him?
Do you just like to be adored?

pictish · 16/04/2015 09:36

I think she meant unbiased advice. I got it anyway.

OP I wouldn't confess your infidelity. Just end things soonest.

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:37

Yes I love being adored that's exactly why I put the post up. so people like you could remind me of what a great person I am.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 16/04/2015 09:41

It's really obvious from what you've said that you cheated because you were unhappy.

Sure, in an ideal world you'd know you were unhappy and leave before you boffed someone else but you now know for next time.

No kids, unmarried, listen to that voice inside telling you that you're unhappy.

I bet you don't do it again and you've learned from this.

Tell him it's not working out and be clear that it's properly over.

Good luck

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 09:41

What makes you reluctant to end the relationship, keeping your infidelity to yourself?

(Is he at risk of an STD from you?).

springydaffs · 16/04/2015 09:41

I didn't say you were a skank - you may be, I can't know that - but what you did was skanky. Two different things. Trying to avoid the consequences of the skanky thing you did is also skanky. Thinking it's harder for you to be doing the breaking up than for him to be dumped is, well, unpleasant and rather self-absorbed.

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 09:43

It's really obvious from what you've said that you cheated because you were unhappy.

Sure, in an ideal world you'd know you were unhappy and leave before you boffed someone else but you now know for next time.

Is this what we say to the next woman asking for support because her partner has cheated on her??

pictish · 16/04/2015 09:45

Is this going to be a lynching then?

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:49

I understand the mistakes I've made are unforgivable, hence me now ending it to let him live his life with someone that can make him happy. I've never once asked for attention, forgiveness whatever you want to call it. I'm asking for some advise on what to do next. If I'd known I was just going to get a torrent of abuse then I'd never of asked.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 16/04/2015 09:51

Plenty of people are unhappy but don't cheat. It doesn't automatically follow. We're not helpless in the face of 'unhappiness', our nethers doing their own thing eentirely out of our control. No, you did it because you did it, not bcs you were 'unhappy'.

Twinklestein · 16/04/2015 09:51

You're assuming you may break his heart, but you may not. No doubt he's aware of all the arguments so he may be feeling like you are that it's not really working.

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:52

Yes, I cheated! I don't need you to keep going on about this fact.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 16/04/2015 09:52

I'm not sure why you're not just ending it. It's not working, you've now cheated, why not just get on with it and pull the plug?

springydaffs · 16/04/2015 09:53

Abuse? The truth isn't necessarily abuse.

Torrent?

Original poster

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:55

Okay, well it's been lovely having all your advise, opinions and truths.
You've certainly all helped me.

Thanks guys, hope you have lovely days!! x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3