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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just some un-opinionated advise

58 replies

CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 08:49

Hey, So I've been with my boyfriend four years, we lived together for the past year and it wasn't how I imagined it to me, we've argued almost on a daily basis, recently we decided to move out of rented accommodation and go back to our parents to save for our own place. The problem is, I've been having itchy feet the past 5 months, I then made a massive mistake and cheated on him with a colleague. He doesn't know this and I don't wish to tell him as I feel it is just unnecessary heartbreak for him. I know i have to break up with him for both of us. How could I walk down the isle with such a lie on my shoulders? the thought of ending it and knowing I'll break his heart makes me physically sick. I don't know how to do it or what to say without him thinking it's him that's caused it. Please Help!!

OP posts:
IHeartRosPoldark · 16/04/2015 09:56

The first thing I thought upon reading this post is that I understand where she is coming from but a man in the same position would get roasted...

I think she should tell him so he can get himself checked out...

Hope you can sort it OP, learn from it and move on, sounds like you lived together and found out the hard way its not going to work... won't be the first or the last I'm afraid.

springydaffs · 16/04/2015 09:57

Rename your thread 'How can I get out of my future marriage and look good?' even though I cheated but don't go on about it

Perhaps he won't be as inconsolable as you think. You being a great prize and all.

FunkyPeacock · 16/04/2015 09:58

I haven't read the whole thread but I really don't see that it is necessary to tell him you cheated and would seem unnecessarily cruel IMO

Just tell him you want to split and move on

You will both get over it although I appreciate it is hard to believe that while you are going through it

Good luck x

Original poster
CareBear04 · 16/04/2015 09:59

You really are a delight Springydaffs, I wish you all the best.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 16/04/2015 10:00

Carebear Flowers
You're not a bad person. You can and should say, 'sorry this isn't working' and finish but before you get more enmeshed.

springydaffs · 16/04/2015 10:00

Thanks

hellsbellsmelons · 16/04/2015 10:12

I think you should tell him the truth about your infidelity.
He has a right to know and he will need to get checked for STIs.
It's the least you can do.

Cherryapple1 · 16/04/2015 10:13

Why would you stay with him if you argue every day. Surely that is enough to tell you that you are incompatible. And the fact you cheated shows you are not happy. Ignoring your snide comments to others who are offering advice, don't you think you deserve more than that? Or do you actually believe a rubbish relationship is better than not having one at all?

You can finish with someone if you are not happy, you don't need to stay together at all costs you know.

Hobby2014 · 16/04/2015 10:16

I gave advice upthread about not telling him you cheated. However that was on the assumption it was protected sex. If it was unprotected then you need to tell him, however awful it will be.

JustGiveUpGatekeeper · 16/04/2015 10:20

If a man posted here about how he'd cheated on his woman because he was unhappy in the relationship and he wanted to end the relationship anyway now, and could you all please advise him on how to do that without letting his sensitive woman find out he never cheated, well, springydaffs has a point really...
Mumsnet is less forgiving of men in this situation than women.

OP, you did a dreadful thing and it's important you learn your lesson from it. You have to accept that your boyfriend is possibly going to be heartbroken whichever way you tell him it's over. There's no easy way out for you really.

Seriouslyffs · 16/04/2015 11:02

My moral compass must be very wonky then because I don't think for a woman or man to sleep with someone else when they're •unmarried
•living with their parents
•in a relationship where they regularly argue
•have no children
is a dreadful thing
I wouldn't be shouting about it from the rooftops if I'd done it but I certainly wouldn't judge a friend.

pictish · 16/04/2015 11:09

Happens I agree with you.

TheListingAttic · 16/04/2015 11:17

Crikey, OP, it's a good job you didn't post on AIBU - then you'd have really got some, ahem, unbiased advice.

From a person who doesn't know you: break up with him. Simples.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/04/2015 11:31

You seem very selfish and more concerned about not being the 'dumpee' (which you probably will be if you fess up) rather then the sexual health of your partner, he at least deserves to know if he is at risk from an STI from your cheating.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/04/2015 12:03

I don't think a man unmarried and childless would get much different advice.

A man who's got children and a family would get entirely different advice plus a roasting.

Unless she had unprotected sex there's no reason to make the 'I'm leaving you' conversation worse.

Just leave.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/04/2015 12:05

Arguing nearly every day doesn't mean you were doomed as a couple but itchy feet for five months - was there no way of discussing that with him?

I don't remember you saying you had unprotected sex with your colleague but if you did and have since slept with your boyfriend yes, he has a right to know.

He may be too wrapped up in his work for your liking, he may assume all's well in spite of no longer living with you. Otoh he may be secretly hoping you be the one to finish with him and be 'the bad guy'.

Talk face to face, meet somewhere neutral.

Tell him that you are sorry but you've been thinking and realise this relationship has nowhere further to go, so you want to finish, and wish him well. He might be shocked or upset but be kind and decisive.

ShortandSweeter · 16/04/2015 12:18

All advice is based on someone's opinion.

Anyway, you need to tell him you were unfaithful so that he can be in full knowledge of the kind of person he is with and so he can make decisions based on the full truth in the same way that you are- that's just fairness. And you didn't make a 'mistake'- you made a conscious decision to cheat on your partner.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2015 12:20

Be prepared for the fact that he might actually ask you OP and you might have to lie to his face. Or you could tell him the truth as he might prefer to know so that he can get an sti check just for his own personal sexual health.

Seriouslyffs · 16/04/2015 12:23

Donkeys
Arguing nearly every day doesn't mean you were doomed as a couple...
But it's hardly a ringing endorsement is it? I really don't get this 'fix it' at all costa mentality. Relationships aren't compulsory and should enhance your life not diminish it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/04/2015 13:10

I don't think I said, fix it all costs did I.

Living under one roof is when reality bites and suddenly it's not all romance and moonlight. Some people get into petty squabbling it doesn't mean a death knell.

FunkyPeacock · 16/04/2015 13:46

I have to agree with seriouslyffs

Some people's judgement on the OP do seem completely OTT

And why would anyone feel it was desirable to continue a relationship with someone you can't live with without arguing daily??

blueberrypie0112 · 16/04/2015 14:46

There no way around it, as far as I am concern, you already broken his heart

blueberrypie0112 · 16/04/2015 14:48

But you know, I do wonder he wants to end it too, why else he agreed to live separate

Meerka · 16/04/2015 15:12

To answer your question, carebear, if you haven't left the thread already (which I wouldnt blame you for!)

No, you can't walk down the aisle with him, not if you want a relationship based on honesty and mutual respect.

You don't sound particularly happy in the relationship and it would hurt him far more in the long run if you went ahead unhappily. Both you and your current bf will be a lot happier if you are with people you really feel happy with.

How to do it? I think you need to arrange a time to tell him and then to say it straight. Practise a bit ahead of time if you have to - not too much. Keep it in mind that 5 years down the line he will be with someone else and so will you and those 'someones' will be better for each of you than you are together.

You really can use the line "it's not you, it's me" here. He will survive even if he's hurt.

Again, keep in mind that he and you will be both be unhappy if you stay together because you can't face one short difficult conversation. it's a good thing to say what you want, as long as it's not at the expense of other people. In this case it's better for you both.

Good luck.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/04/2015 15:23

Neatly airbrushing out the infidelity there Meerka!

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