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Relationships

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Original poster

If you had doubts on your wedding day, how did the marriage work out?

69 replies

MrsHuxtableReturns · 15/04/2015 11:14

I'm deeply unhappy in my marriage but feel trapped. I'm trying to figure out whether this is just something normal that everyone goes through or whether getting married was the wrong decision from the start. We had originally planned a big wedding but my gut kept telling me I wouldn't turn up on the day. I put this down to difficult and toxic family relationships so we cancelled the big wedding and had a small do, just with a few close friends and siblings. But still, on the day it felt so wrong. I saw DH and wasn't excited, my heart sank. That moment after the ceremony, when you're meant to kiss your spouse, it was awful.

So now, in hindsight I think maybe all this wasn't normal? My husband claims I have problems with intimacy and I'd be like this no matter who I was with but maybe he's wrong.

So if any of you had real doubts on your wedding day, did the marriage work?

OP posts:

iwishiwasayummymum · 15/04/2015 11:17

oh no. I am going to be honest with you. It doesn't sound right at all. Wedding days are all a bit over hyped to be honest but you shouldn't feel like that on your big day. Im tempted to say get out of it before you have children. There is a big world out there and you only get one life, go and live it girl and make yourself happy (even though it will temporarily upset people in the beginning). Good luck.

ProbablyMe · 15/04/2015 11:23

I had serious doubts before walking into the registry office full of friends and family with dad, I went in as I thought I didn't really have a choice as it was all arranged and everyone was there. We were married for 16 years and had 4 sons but I never felt very happy and I don't think he did either - we argued more and more as time went on and by the end we hardly spoke. We separated after I met someone else who is the real love of my life and who I truly adore and who adores me back. I can really see the difference between our relationship and the relationship I had with my ExH.

Original poster

MrsHuxtableReturns · 15/04/2015 11:23

It's too late for that. We have the children. I was pregnant when we got married and then I thought this is just what it'll be like so we had DC2 two years later. No sex in the relationship though other than a week each when we were ttc each child.

OP posts:

GinAndSonic · 15/04/2015 11:24

I had doubts. I left him after 5 years. The only good thing about waiting that long was that i have 2 beautiful children to my husband. The bad thing is that my dc have no father since he doesnt bother now, and i feel bad that i stayed and allowed them to be born to a feckless father and a mother who struggles to be a good enough parent.

If you are unhappy, leave. Its the greatest gift you can give yourself. Its hard, and its not all happiness and sunshine, but i dont feel trapped any more.

ProbablyMe · 15/04/2015 11:25

Just to add that my ExH is now with someone else and is a completely different person. We just clearly weren't right for each other.

PatriciaHolm · 15/04/2015 11:26

No, not normal. That's not just wedding jitters, that's every instinct in your body telling you are making a big mistake.

And the fact your husband is dismissing your feelings make it even worse.

Pootles2010 · 15/04/2015 11:28

Have you seen anyone for counselling? I do wonder, with you saying about toxic family, if this might be a bigger problem? Good luck.

Original poster

MrsHuxtableReturns · 15/04/2015 11:35

Funnily enough I had counselling in the run up to the wedding. I was going through a particular bad patch with my family. The whole wedding jitters thing was talked about but just put down to some issue between my mother and me.

I feel like I have let everyone down. My husband and these two beautiful children. I feel like I need to make this work for them now. But the thought of ever having to be intimate again with DH makes me shudder. He is very much of the thought that once you've got children, that's it.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsHuxtableReturns · 15/04/2015 11:39

I'm 31 now, he's 28, kids are 1 and 3. On the one side I feel we're all too young to just give up and settle for something that's wrong (if my feelings are right) but then I'm terrified of being by myself (no family in this country) and I'm sure I'm never going to meet another man again that's right for me.

OP posts:

Wrapdress · 15/04/2015 11:43

I have quite a few friends who knew they were making a mistake as they walked down the aisle. A couple confessed they just wanted the big wedding since all of their friends were getting married. Others were just swept along through the process via inertia, not knowing how to stop it - out of fear of being the bad guy for ending it. None of these marriages worked out. All ended in divorced. Some had kid and some didn't and the marriages with kids lasted a bit longer before the divorce. Guilt probably added 5 years to those marriages.

stevienickstophat · 15/04/2015 11:44

But you don't have a man that's right for you now, so you'd be no worse off.

My wedding day doubts hit me straight after the ceremony. I'll never forget that sinking feeling I got once the lace and flowers blindness had worn off.

We were never happy and split after fifteen years and two children.

With a new partner now and much happier. You only have one life.

theaftermath · 15/04/2015 11:45

I had doubts.
Things got gradually worse.
I Had an affair.
DH wasn't happy and told me he didn't love me.
He left.
OM left his wife.
Now we are together and both happy as are our exes.

Leave now.

Undoubtedly 2 parents apart and happy are better than 2 miserable and together.

I feel for you. It's tough. But you only get one life...

nottheOP · 15/04/2015 11:50

There are reasons to try and make a marriage work but worrying about meeting someone else isn't really one of them, IMO.

FWIW, I do think that you're in a difficult stage for a lot of relationships. Two young kids are very tiring and having the energy to put the effort it is sometimes a bit of a stretch. I also wouldn't put too much emphasis on your wedding day jitters. You not feeling how movies etc dictate you should feel isn't that much of an issue.

What is an issue is being unhappy, feeling trapped and no sex (unless you are both happy with that).

You need to work out why you're unhappy - is it because you've had a bad time? Is it because of your DH because of whatever reason?

Why do you feel trapped? Do you work or are you a SAHM - maybe that could change?

Original poster

MrsHuxtableReturns · 15/04/2015 11:52

At least now I have a husband who helps with the children when he's home from work. I'd be losing that. It's all very soul destroying though and I wonder how long it'll take til DC realises it's not normal for parents not to share a bed or kiss or cuddle etc.

OP posts:

Squirrelsmum · 15/04/2015 11:56

Took me 13 years to divorce him, don't leave it that long. I have a photo of me on my wedding day sitting off to the side by myself, my mother thought I looked melancholy but I was actually crying. I was young and heavily pregnant and coerced into marriage.
Second time around is so different and so much nicer.

123Jump · 15/04/2015 11:56

It doesn't really matter whether you-or we-had doubts on the wedding day.
The fact is that right now you sound miserable.
Your kids won't be small forever,you won't always need so much time to devote to getting them ready etc.
You could split amicably.

Original poster

MrsHuxtableReturns · 15/04/2015 11:57

Yes, I'm all for putting the work into a marriage that has gone a bit stale because of small children, work pressures etc.

But the sad truth is I don't find my husband attractive, haven't in about 8 years. So I know I will never force myself to have sex with him again. This obviously leads to resentment on his part. I don't think we're good at living together either.

Trapped as in I only work very part time while I study, have no family in this country and have the children.

OP posts:

Dosydoly · 15/04/2015 12:02

I had terrible doubts. Woke up the morning of the wedding crying and cried all day. He assumed I was overcome with happiness, I wasn't. It lasted two miserable years. It was a very long time ago and I have since married again and it's like a different world, best decision I ever made was to walk away.

CoffeeBeanie · 15/04/2015 12:14

Mrs, it sounds all wrong. On your wedding day you should not have doubts of that kind.
I think it is normal to be a bit afraid of the future, if it all works out etc, but not feeling it's wrong. That was your gut feeling and it was right.

Don't stay together because of the children please. You are so incredibly young, of course you will find someone who is absolutely right for you - and you will know it!

insanityscatching · 15/04/2015 12:15

I had doubts, we've been married 27 years now. I wouldn't say I have ever been really happy but the majority of the time I haven't been miserable. We are friends, good friends at times sometimes less so. We make a good team parenting wise and our dc have grown up in a happy and stable home.
I would never advise anyone with the same doubts though to do as I have done. The wedding had been planned and paid for I was pregnant and too worried about upsetting df to act on my doubts which was stupid really because he would have supported me no matter what.
I think it has got easier as the years have gone by tbh I spent the early years dreaming of escaping but that rarely crosses my mind anymore. All of my siblings have married and divorced and remarried many times, generally they are now happy in their third/fourth? marriage. I perhaps envy their happiness now although I'm conscious that these are new marriages and may very well not last (they've been blissfully happy times previously) but I'm glad my dc haven't grown up with a series of step parents at the same time tbh.
Dh has health problems now, should I ever be widowed I would never ever marry again I am well and truly over marriage

Bogeyface · 15/04/2015 12:19

I had to be talked into going through with my first marriage, my sister now admits that she should have listened to me instead of trying to talk me into it.

The marriage was over very quickly, we only made it to 18 months because his father passed away and I didnt feel that I could leave him then. As a result, I dont talk about my first marriage because it doesnt feel like I was married in all honesty. Legally I was but emotionally I wasnt.

UnsolvedMystery · 15/04/2015 12:23

No, that's a huge red flag, not normal at all.
I knew the first time round, that I was settling for someone I wasn't thrilled to be marrying. It just felt like a conveyor belt and I was too afraid to get off. It lasted 3 fairly miserable years.
Second time I knew from the start, that I would spend the rest of my life with this man. Not a shred of doubt, just excitement about the future.

You deserve happiness. Try to find a way to leave him. You would be better off without him.

PeppermintCrayon · 15/04/2015 12:53

I had no doubts. None. I can't imagine getting married if I did.

FreckledLeopard · 15/04/2015 12:58

I had doubts pre-wedding and on the day itself. I remember waking up the morning of the wedding, feeling no excitement and just wishing I could go back to sleep.

The marriage lasted 8 months. I'm so glad we split up. We're both so much happier now.

Lottapianos · 15/04/2015 13:00

OP, please don't stay together 'for the children'. My parents had a miserable marriage but stayed together 'for the children' - I put that part in quotes because it wasn't for us at all, it was because they were too scared of what the neighbours would say. It was bloody awful - all three of us have had massive personal issues because of it.

Your children will not thank you for staying with a man you cannot stand, and sacrificing your own happiness and well being. What will you teach them about relationships by staying in a situation where you are unhappy?

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