If you had doubts on your wedding day, how did the marriage work out?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

I'm deeply unhappy in my marriage but feel trapped. I'm trying to figure out whether this is just something normal that everyone goes through or whether getting married was the wrong decision from the start. We had originally planned a big wedding but my gut kept telling me I wouldn't turn up on the day. I put this down to difficult and toxic family relationships so we cancelled the big wedding and had a small do, just with a few close friends and siblings. But still, on the day it felt so wrong. I saw DH and wasn't excited, my heart sank. That moment after the ceremony, when you're meant to kiss your spouse, it was awful.

So now, in hindsight I think maybe all this wasn't normal? My husband claims I have problems with intimacy and I'd be like this no matter who I was with but maybe he's wrong.

So if any of you had real doubts on your wedding day, did the marriage work?

Everyone I know who had doubts like that ultimately ended up divorcing. I remember one of my friends saying she woke up in the middle of the night to see her wedding dress hanging there ready for the next day, and next to it was her suitcase for her honeymoon all packed. She said every bone in her body wanted to take that case and make a run for it. She didn't ...however she did leave him within the year.

theyoniway the grass is probably greener for OP though because she feels trapped and her relationship does not feel like it should. I am sure many people are in loving relationships that are not regularly physically intimate and they are happy but OP isn't describing that situation.

Everybody is different, but I know for me physical intimacy and sex are of high importance. And actually feeling that I want to be in a relationship with that person!

I don't think that's the case for me theyoni. We do have blazing rows because well, I don't know. So it's not like we're sailing along nicely only without the sex. We wouldn't be together now if we didn't have the children. I don't feel that he is my best friend. He mostly just irritates me. I've been I guess it depends on whether I prefer being in the wrong relationship to being in no relationship. I'm absolutely convinced I'll never find anybody else.

OP you are 31. People live til they are 85 (give or take). Can you envisage this life for another 54 years? If not, then you need to end this relationship sooner rather than later.

The kids are young enough that separated (and happy!) Parents are their "Normal".

I bailed on a wedding three months before the big day because I knew I didn't like him enough and I felt more or less exactly as you describe. I kept imagining the "you may now kiss the bride" bit and it made me feel sick.

I did eventually get married and it was exciting and I did enjoy it and feel excited that my DH was the one I was marrying despite being not a big romance/wedding kind of person (this is what my ex fiancé kept saying when I called it off, "oh you're just not into weddings. You wouldnt be excited or happy whoever you were marrying!" Untrue).

Fair enough, and I'm sure you will meet someone else.

OP, I was in exactly the same position. We divorced 10 years later. My life had no integrity at all, it all felt a pretence. We had no sex life for 5 years, and the years before that, I would cringe during it.

He says you have a problem with intimacy. My DH used to say that to me too. Except I have since found a man who I am totally the opposite with because we absolutely click. And it is that emotional intimacy that makes our relationship work amazingly, we tell each other everything. So don't just assume that he is correct in his assumption you may just not feel comfortable being intimate (physically or emotionally) with him. That's a different issue.

You are 10 years behind me age-wise. For the love of God, do what gives your life integrity and meaning. Do what feels right in your heart. You have one crack at life.

What do I do if DH completely refuses to acknowledge the issue though?

You can still leave! It doesn't matter if he acknowledges or not, please don't waste your life wishing, would you want one of your children to live like this or to realise down the line that they were the reason you stayed and were miserable how much pressure is that to put on your children!

My ex-dh couldn't see that anything was wrong!! It only gets worse and the trapped feeling got worse for me. I'm so relieved to be out of it. It is hard but the liberation is wonderful and you can go on to meet someone right for you (and for him). Give yourself the opportunity to be happy.

You don't have problems with intimacy- you have problems with being intimate with him. He shouldn't blame you- he could say " blimey, this isn't working and hasn't for years, shall we call it a day?"

If you are still getting along, then now is the time to talk about an amicable split. You can still parent together and the DC won't lose that but you will both be free to meet others or not.

It's nothing to do with anyone else. Don't stay together for the DC, or family.

My df on my wedding day asked me if I was sure and I said " no, get me a cab" and he looked so terrified I laughed and went ahead. Big mistake. Better to be alone than alone in the shared marital bed.

I had big doubts on our wedding day but thought it was nerves. I believed that I had to have sex when he wanted to. At 30 years married I saw a lawyer and put divorce wheels into gear. 2 days before papers arrived in the post he had a stroke. He recovered but I felt I couldn't go ahead, I'd wait. He had another one and recovered but I'm still here.

Mrs huxtable you say you wish you had a time machine, so you could go back and do things differently. Imagine yourself in ten years time, wishing you could go back to right now. What would you tell yourself to do?

You are scared to make a permanent change because of temporary unpleasant unpleasantness. It will always be hard to do - but if you do it, you can start to recover. waiting won't make it better.

I'm not sure what I would tell myself if it was ten years from now.

I'm very scared to make a mistake.

That's not just wedding jitters, that's every instinct in your body telling you are making a big mistake.

Yup, I've been there too. He came to talk to me the night before the wedding - I was sitting on my own in the hotel bar, trying to make sense of my feelings. He guessed this and came along to flummox me. I was really snappy with my bridesmaids. I was half-hoping he wouldn't be at the other end of the aisle! And I nearly asked my parents to take me with them when they left our reception.

The marriage lasted 3 years legally; 18 months in actuality; 3 more years of financial complications post-divorce (he wouldn't disclose.) This was all a very long time ago, and I am still dealing with effects of having given myself over to such an arsewipe. Boy, did I "work hard" at that relationship! More fool me.

On the upside, the wedding day itself was brilliant. We should have just had that party, without the marriage And I've learned a very great deal from my mistakes.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It takes courage to jilt a wedding; I'm full of admiration for those who do, but don't blame myself particularly for lacking the necessary incisive insight. I should have loved myself more, is all.

Sounds like it's past time to set yourself free, with your children Good luck.

You have to separate. You can't waste your life, his life and your childrens living like this. Unless you think it is salvageable through counselling do the decent thing and leave. Being with him can not be better than being alone but you sure as hell won't meet the right man for you living with your husband. And having an affair could be more damaging than splitting up.

I was not excited at all about marrying my ex, I wondered if it was normal to feel so...flat? I remember the night before, feeling nothing and the morning after.

Anyway we split 2 and a half years later! lol. I think you know if you are marrying the right person at the time.

you're mad to waste your life in a sexless, loveless marriage.
and you're so young!
i know it's not easy to end things but is this really the way you want to live your one and only life?
i would bail.
immediately.