If you had doubts on your wedding day, how did the marriage work out?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

I'm deeply unhappy in my marriage but feel trapped. I'm trying to figure out whether this is just something normal that everyone goes through or whether getting married was the wrong decision from the start. We had originally planned a big wedding but my gut kept telling me I wouldn't turn up on the day. I put this down to difficult and toxic family relationships so we cancelled the big wedding and had a small do, just with a few close friends and siblings. But still, on the day it felt so wrong. I saw DH and wasn't excited, my heart sank. That moment after the ceremony, when you're meant to kiss your spouse, it was awful.

So now, in hindsight I think maybe all this wasn't normal? My husband claims I have problems with intimacy and I'd be like this no matter who I was with but maybe he's wrong.

So if any of you had real doubts on your wedding day, did the marriage work?

It didn't .

The day itself said it all really. A small registery office event, with a few family members and a couple of witnesses.

He'd been out the night before with the best man and was a little worse for wear on the big day. Got married at 12.30pm and went across to a local pub for a drink before heading back to the village & half a pint in felt rough and went home on the bus, as he said if he stayed out he wouldn't survive for the evening meal. So basically, I spent most of my wedding day without the Groom .

Having said that, we lasted 16 years and have an amazing son together.

It's highly unlikely you'll suddenly begin to feel attracted to him again. Not after 8 years. How do you feel about spending your life with no sex or intimacy? You're still so young.

My parents slept in separate rooms from about the age of 40. My mother told me my father was impotent, and that she was glad. They're in their 70s now. Miserable as anything. What a waste of 30 years.

I got married at 20, way too young but said yes when he proposed as I thought a no would end things and I didn't want to lose him. Found myself on the conveyor belt right through to the wedding day where I remember thinking, "We can always get divorced."

I think a lot of our problems have been caused by that lack of commitment from me. This has made me kick against him, look for fights, and made him feel insecure and try to hold me tighter. I was also unwilling to truly give my heart to any man to break as I had a deep distrust of men (serially adulterous father repeatedly broke my mother's heart).

I have told him it's over three times in the course of our marriage - but I'm still here. I don't like myself very much for my behaviour, my cowardice - it would have been kinder to let him go at the outset. He was my first and only boyfriend. I am now in my 40s. I do love him, more now because I know, trust and understand him. We get on well most of the time and things have improved a lot. I still can't bring myself to say this is it forever - on some level I'm still waiting for him to cheat on me - but we are happy now and have no plans to leave.

God, the idea of no sex and intimacy for the rest of my life is awful. I'm a very sexual person. I'm already struggling now.

Left 4 months later divorced just over two years after the wedding.

Should never have gone through with it and followed my gut instinct however I fell pregnant just after we booked the wedding and it took for my DD to come along to realise that she deserved better. In time I've realised I do too.

Marriage #1 definitely had doubts on the day but my Dad had paid a lot of money for a stupidly expensive ceremony/reception, we had so many friends and family coming, some travelling a long long way to attend. I put it down to nerves and went ahead and smiled all day long.

It was over after less than two years, he cheated.

Marriage #2 some niggling doubts, especially about communication problems we had had before I discovered MN and learned about EA but we had been to counselling, things had improved a LOT by then. When I walked down the aisle and saw him my heart leaped, I was so happy.

4 years on, we have seperated, those EA problems just got worse and worse. Sex life zero, both of us very miserable and unhappy and those communication problems came back ten times worse than they were the first time.

I don't plan on ever marrying again, IF I ever do find someone I would commit to in that way again (unlikely but never say never) then I would definitely listen to my instincts on the day itself.

I have to say I wasnt 100% sure running up to the wedding, but then I had always been a very insecure person and unable to make decisions. We have been married for over 5 years and he's the best husband & father ever.

When I got engaged I spoke to a friend who was also engaged, she said she was "really sure" and would never get married if she wasn't absolutely sure. Their marriage lasted for a couple of years, I think.

Having said that, in your case it doesn't sound like you had "doubts". It sounded like you knew what the right thing to do was, but wasnt able to do it (for understandable reasons, of course, it must be truly awful to be in that position).

Marriage 1 - I loved my husband but he treated me really badly at times, I did walk up the aisle wondering what the hell I was doing but it was too late, I had a troubled childhood, knew no better and wanted to be loved. Marriage lasted 6 years, we had a dc, troubles continued, I walked out with dc and now we're good friends and co-parent very easily.

Marriage 2 - absolutely lovely man with his own issues, I was never really physically attracted to him but we had a good life and I wanted it to work with him and he was determined to have me (I did express my reservations early on). 6 years later I realised I couldn't live the rest of my life with someone who I was never physically attracted, just couldn't bring myself to be intimate with and I had begun to resent.
I've met someone who I love being with, share similarities with and attracted to but keeping it casual for now.

I had doubts, I was awake all the night before thinking I couldn't get out of it now as the family had travelled hundreds of miles to come. 3 weeks after the wedding he head butted me in the face splitting my eye open. I divorced him as soon as I could.

My ex left me (for OW) 10 years and 3 DCs after the wedding day, saying he'd had doubts before marrying but hadn't been brave enough to call a halt. The doubts were all on his side..He's still with her 20 years later so I can only presume he feels he made the right decision.

Yes, had doubts and the marriage lasted 2 years. Funnily, it wasn't that I had doubts exactly. I just woke up thinking "oh yes, the wedding. Sigh" in the same way you'd think about cleaning a dirty bathroom. I just wanted to spend the day reading a book, there was no excitement at all.

This time around we're so sure of each other that we have a child, a mortgage, and laugh every day but we don't even care if we're married. It will happen, but only when we're in the mood to throw a huge party for everyone and have a great time. In our case it's the 'marriage' we care about rather than the wedding.

I wish I had a time machine...

I knew what an arse he was before I married him, and still went through with it. It got worse and worse, I lost spent 18 years with him, I will now never get that time back. We do, however, have a wonderful DS who's now 8, but now that his dad and I are divorced I have never been so happy. My son started noticing 'things' from about 3yrs old, so never assume they're too young. Yes, you have 2 young kids, and yes, their dad helps out, but wouldn't you rather they had a happy Mum? Being a single parent is very hard, but so very worth it if it makes you happy.

I just feel like I have caused the situation and therefore now stick it out. Maybe things get better in the future. I just can't imagine ever finding DH attractive again. I didn't when we first met but got carried away with the excitement of wanting a relationship but the attraction and sex stopped as soon as we'd moved in together after a couple of years. It makes me sad to think that this is it now. I am so so stupid.

He's only 28. How can he settle for no sex at that age???

I had doubts with my first marriage, nearly turned around at the church door, I was only 21, my first real relationship and only my dads proud face made me go through the door, we lasted two years, he was ea/fa and cheated to boot. I left with two babies, an unknown pregnancy and a black bag of kids clothes..... 13 years on he's still a nob and been divorced again and I'm a happily married mum of six. Life is waaaay too short.

I also had doubts on my wedding day, stood at the altar thinking I shouldn't be doing this. I wish I had trusted my gut instinct. There were thoughts before the wedding of feeling trapped, I think my self esteem was low and I was too afraid to put a stop to the plans. I am a very sexual person too but our sex life was not good, I put my low libido with my husband down to hormonal contraception, but I'm pretty sure it was my lack of attraction. He was emotionally abusive and I built up a lot of resentment. On our wedding night, we had to have sex as it was the 'done thing' not a loving act and I resented that for a long time.

We had three fabulous children and while trying for children and having a family I felt happy. The distraction of things like having babies and moving house meant for a while I felt satisfied and that getting married was the right decision.

We were married for 8 years before it all seemed to catch up with me. The realisation that I married the wrong man. I couldn't bear for my husband to touch me and if we did have sex, I couldn't look him in the face or kiss him. Thinking back, it was hideous. But it took another 4 years before I was able to find the strength to leave, and only after I had a brief affair with another man. After being kissed again I knew I could never live without physical intimacy. It was the push I needed, I am ashamed I was unfaithful and needed that push but I am so glad it happened now.

We are divorced and share the childrens care 50/50. Before I felt anxious all the time and now I feel peaceful, I have my freedom. I wouldn't change having the children but would love to go back in time to give myself a shake and ask myself what the hell I was doing staying in an awful marriage.

OP you are young, please seriously think about your future and what you truly want. It's not selfish to think about your happiness and needs. If I had stayed any longer I think I would have withered away. Trust your instincts always.

I had no doubts whatsoever on my wedding day or on the run up to it. I was terrified by the "occasion-ness" of it as I have some social anxiety. But no doubts at all.

We split up within 4 years.

DrFoxtrot, your reply made me cry. It resonates so much.

I'm just so so scared of being alone. And then never meeting anyone again.

With my husband, even when we had sex, we weren't kissing. I just wasn't into it and I generally love kissing.

My wedding day made me realise how much I loved and needed Dh. Out of all the family and friends that attended I felt the most genuine care and support from him and our photographer (!).

OP I wish I had had a forum like this for advice several years ago. You know the marriage feels wrong but when it's written in black and white and others have been through similar, it kind of makes it more 'obvious' - I'm not sure if that's the right word but I hope you get what I'm saying!

There is a big risk that your fear of moving away from the marriage will mean years wasted in a relationship with no intimacy and nobody should live like that. I felt stifled, trapped and weak. And I was afraid of being alone too.

But the fear was overshadowed fairly quickly by the freedom. It takes time but it was so worth it. I should have made my decision to end the marriage 4 years previously (or before my wedding!!).

I have had a couple of relationships lasting 6-12 months since and, although they haven't been right for me, I have felt passion and attraction and it felt so good. I feel in control of my life now.

You can change things for yourself when you feel ready. And after the initial pain it will benefit everybody - your husband can also find a fulfilling relationship in the future. You will not regret trusting your instincts.

I'm so glad I read this. I've been plagued by guilt of what happened twice to me. I feel so relieved I'm not alone. I'm so relieved to be free of being with the wrong person.

OP I am in a very similar position. Have been with my husband 8 years (married around a 1 year), he is a loving, committed, stable and generous man but I have always doubted our relationship, felt smothered by his love and never been able to love him as he loves me. To be brutally honest I feel bored, unengaged and emotionally flat with him but have never been able to end it due to feeling so guilty about hurting him. I just ended up on the conveyer belt, as others have described. He is an incredibly nice guy, he just doesn't do it for me. My heart sank walking down the isle, I confessed all on our honeymoon and went into counselling in the hope I could work out my feelings, then found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. We have a beautiful 6 month old son and my husband is as devoted as ever but I feel nothing but sadness and am in mourning for the separate lives I feel we both should be leading. I am sure, had I left earlier, he would have found somebody wonderful who can love him in the way he deserves and I would be much happier too. It would utterly devastate him were I to leave him, our baby loves his dad and would suffer, I couldn't manage financially on my own. Feel so trapped. Reading other replies with interest.

I'm not sure how important a romantic relationship or sex is for a generally happy life. I've had very passionate relationships that were full of pointless drama and made me miserable. Now I'm in a long term partnership with 2 kids and no drama.

I love my DP, he's my best friend, he's also really irritating sometimes and we hardly ever have sex. When we do i quite enjoy it though. For me a partner who is a friend and a great father is enough. I know everyone is different but I think it's important to remember the perfect fairytale marriage doesn't exist and the grass isn't always greener.