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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this acceptable behaviour from your partner? I don't think it is and would like your opinion

54 replies

RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 08:17

I work full time and have 2 children in secondary school who are writing tests at the moment.

Dp (we have been seeing each other for around 2 years) was due to come round last night. I left work early because I was feeling unwell. He doesn't work on a Tuesday so I was half hoping he would come and pick me up (it would be a long drive) but he had arranged to see an old friend of his (which I knew) and it would have meant he was an hour or so late going round to their house and in the end, I was ok on the train.

He phoned me at 5pm to say he was having a really nice time in their garden and he'd see me either in half time of the football or at the end of the match. I said fine but not to be late as I wanted to go to bed early and the kids had tests in the morning and I didn't want them woken up when he came in and that was the last I heard from him. I tried to call at 9, no answer so I just left it.

At 1.30am, I hear the front door go (he has keys). He's clearly blind drunk, falls up the stairs. I get up to make sure he doesn't wake up the kids etc. but then am fuming so I can't get back to sleep plus feeling ill. Result is that I have had to work from home today (seriously unpopular with boss).

I have told dp he has to go, give me the keys and just not come back. He says I am over-reacting and I should just 'take the day off work, what's the problem'. This isn't the first time he has done this. He claims he had no idea it was that late and actually didn't believe me that he came in that late (until I showed him his phone where I texted last night to tell him as I knew he would say this). It happened twice in one week 2 weeks ago and on one of those occasions, he came in at 5am! After that occasion, I told him to leave but he refused to go and said he would change his ways yadda yadda and now this. He's clearly never going to change and I want to cut my losses.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking him to go. What do you think?

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 15/04/2015 08:20

YANBU.

Disrespectful, juvenile arse.

You've got two kids, you don't need another one.

FenellaFellorick · 15/04/2015 08:22

I think that if it is unacceptable to you you have every right to end the relationship. Nobody should feel they have to stay with someone who does things they are deeply unhappy about.

britishbakeoffblues · 15/04/2015 08:22

He is clearly very thick skinned!!
Tell him to do one!

FenellaFellorick · 15/04/2015 08:23

oh, meant to say - I assume that he doesn't live with you? He just has keys? If he refuses to hand them over, just change the locks. He doesn't have a right to stay with you if that's not what you want.

funchum8am · 15/04/2015 08:23

If you want him to go he needs to go no matter what the reason. And I happen to agree that YANBU at all with not wanting to be with a binge drinker who ignores your wishes.

Original poster

RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 08:24

thank you x. It really helps reading these because he will hugely guilt trip me this morning but I have really had enough this time. I have tried to get him to hand back the keys before and he just does not go - but as I'm at home today, I can supervise him taking away what things he has left here and getting him out!

OP posts:

Ragwort · 15/04/2015 08:24

Of course that is not normal behaviour from a functioning adult - totally rude and disrespectful. Does he live with you permanenty?

So what if he thinks you are being unreasonable or over reacting. Get rid of him. Change your locks if necessary.

hobNong · 15/04/2015 08:26

Yanbu. It's not just disrespectful to you but also to your two kids. They've got exams to worry about, they don't need a drunk to add to their worries

Original poster

RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 08:27

he's so thick skinned, today, he will behave as if nothing happened last night. It's quite unbelievable how he has this ability to pretend like he's done nothing wrong at all!

I was out with friends on the weekend and one of the husbands was taking the piss out of his wife as she came back at 1am on Thursday after going out with mates. He said 'well I see you didn't kick her out then'. FGS what a child! (I said yes but I bet she told him what she was up to and they don't have kids and she doesn't do it every bloody week!)

OP posts:

Nolim · 15/04/2015 08:27

Yanbu. Change the locks.

Glittergirl123 · 15/04/2015 08:27

I think you know that he's crossed a line. You don't need to put up with this and his attitude about it is really bad , I think it's time you get rid of him.

ScrambledSmegsMP · 15/04/2015 08:27

Quite besides the juvenile, thoughtless behaviour and the refusal to admit fault and take responsibility for his behaviour, the fact that you do not want to be with him is enough to dump him.

You are entitled to choose who you are in a relationship with. 'Because I don't want to be with you' is reason enough. If you can't get your keys back, change your locks. Good luck.

AlternativeTentacles · 15/04/2015 08:28

Change the locks, it only needs a barrel change and then let him pick his stuff up and go.

How dare he tell you that you are over-reacting? Fuck that for a laugh.

Original poster

RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 08:28

yes I worry about the kids more - I don't think it's a healthy thing for them to experience. They adore him and luckily have never woken up when he comes in but they adore him because he's like a giant child I think!

No he doesn't live with me thank god but he comes round a lot and has a load of stuff here.

OP posts:

TooTiredToThinkOfAUsername · 15/04/2015 08:30

YANBU. Definitely not! And I second the vote for the lock change. You could always put his stuff in a box and tell him to pick it up if he's difficult. I'm so sorry you've got to go through this. But you CAN do it. And you know it's the best thing for you and so importantly, your DCs. Good luck for today!

pocketsaviour · 15/04/2015 08:32

I have tried to get him to hand back the keys before and he just does not go

Call 101 and ask them to assist removing him from the property. I'm not kidding, this dickhead needs a short sharp shock.

FenellaFellorick · 15/04/2015 08:34

He is not entitled to a relationship with you. That is the single most important thing to remember. He does not have the right to say no, you will continue to be in a relationship with me because I do not feel you have legitimate grounds to end the relationship and you do not have my consent and I believe you need my consent.

He won't say it like that of course, that would be weird but that is what someone is saying when they refuse to accept someone ending a relationship.

hobNong · 15/04/2015 08:34

The fact he's barely acknowledging he did anything wrong would wind me up even more!

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2015 08:34

I was thinking YABU until I read that he does this regularly and then about his attitude this morning.

YANBU

bunchoffives · 15/04/2015 08:37

There's a world of difference between a 'giant child' coming round occasionally playing and having a laugh with the dc, to someone moving in and adopting a parental role and regularly getting pissed and waking them up

You have definitely made the right decision.

You have set a fairly minimal expectation:

do not mess me around (particularly when I am ill)
do not wake my kids up in the night because you are pissed
listen to me when I tell you to leave
respect my home.

He's ignored and failed all of these basic expectations.

He's a dickhead loser. Get rid.

eddielizzard · 15/04/2015 08:38

yanbu at all. utter lack of respect. once? ok, everyone makes mistakes. but no way on a regular basis.

Original poster

RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 08:39

I will make sure he goes today, the benefit of being from home. I'm sat here with my cross face on. He is still asleep (I'm on a conf call for work so can't do anything yet).

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/04/2015 08:41

Bloody hell. Get rid of the fucking man child and protect your children from this horrible influence.

maccie · 15/04/2015 08:59

You could try a different approach OP. If you know it will cause a scene to make him leave then say nothing at all today. Be civil, go about your day like normal, and then once he's left just change the barrel on the door locks. That way you avoid the confrontation, you can box up his belongings in your own time, and then text him to tell him his stuff is on the doorstep now and he can collect them now as this is over and the locks have been changed already.

Jux · 15/04/2015 09:17

Can you take your keys back now, while he's asleep? I would do that immediately.

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