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Original poster

Is this acceptable behaviour from your partner? I don't think it is and would like your opinion

54 replies

RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 08:17

I work full time and have 2 children in secondary school who are writing tests at the moment.

Dp (we have been seeing each other for around 2 years) was due to come round last night. I left work early because I was feeling unwell. He doesn't work on a Tuesday so I was half hoping he would come and pick me up (it would be a long drive) but he had arranged to see an old friend of his (which I knew) and it would have meant he was an hour or so late going round to their house and in the end, I was ok on the train.

He phoned me at 5pm to say he was having a really nice time in their garden and he'd see me either in half time of the football or at the end of the match. I said fine but not to be late as I wanted to go to bed early and the kids had tests in the morning and I didn't want them woken up when he came in and that was the last I heard from him. I tried to call at 9, no answer so I just left it.

At 1.30am, I hear the front door go (he has keys). He's clearly blind drunk, falls up the stairs. I get up to make sure he doesn't wake up the kids etc. but then am fuming so I can't get back to sleep plus feeling ill. Result is that I have had to work from home today (seriously unpopular with boss).

I have told dp he has to go, give me the keys and just not come back. He says I am over-reacting and I should just 'take the day off work, what's the problem'. This isn't the first time he has done this. He claims he had no idea it was that late and actually didn't believe me that he came in that late (until I showed him his phone where I texted last night to tell him as I knew he would say this). It happened twice in one week 2 weeks ago and on one of those occasions, he came in at 5am! After that occasion, I told him to leave but he refused to go and said he would change his ways yadda yadda and now this. He's clearly never going to change and I want to cut my losses.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking him to go. What do you think?

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 15/04/2015 09:20

Agree with maccie actually.

You've had the rows and the trying to explain before - it makes no difference. He's a duff one in every possible way: not only thick, unpleasant and juvenile, but utterly disrespectful of you, your family, your property. Basically abusive, but with a smile on his (thick as pigshit) face.

So don't engage this time. You've made all the decisions - why even involve him? Give him no chance to make your day worse by arguing, pleading etc. Ask him to go home and give you space. As soon as he's gone, change the barrel of the locks (that costs nothing, no need to change the whole lock). Then bag up his stuff and I'd even drive it round to his. Byee loser.

Not only is he an utter dick, he's only going to get worse. He has NO respect for you - that's the bottom line - so he goes.

SylvaniansAtEase · 15/04/2015 09:24

I'd change the locks anyway, though. If you've had arguments before where you've tried to get the keys off him and he's refused (YOUR keys to YOUR house! fucking entitled little cock) then it's not unlikely that he's had a copy made already.

Twats like this tend to have had a couple of relationships along the same lines before, you know - where some other poor sap has had a fight to get their useless pisstaking form out of their lives. He might go quietly, but the kind of twat who refuses to give you the respect of deciding who is in and out of YOUR house is the kind you need to slap down with no comeback.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2015 09:27

He has had and continues to have no respect for you and by turn your children. He is an awful role model to them as well because he is abusive emotionally to you.

I would argue that your children do not adore him either; they have probably been simply happy to see their mother happy before now. This is no longer working out though; he has to be gone and for good this time without you believing that he will change (that is also perhaps how he managed to persuade you last time), such cocklodger men like he all say this. Such men do not change.

moomoob · 15/04/2015 09:28

I suspect there's more to this than him coming in pissed up a couple of times. You've been together a couple of years apart from these 2 occasions where he's been a drunken arse hole what's the relationship like?
I totally agree his behaviour wasn't acceptable he didn't think about the consequences of coming back to yours he shouldve gone home and called you in the morning. Rightly or wrongly your dc are not his dc and it's likely they're not going to be his top priority when deciding whether or not to have a drink with his mates and you can't expect him to make them his priority. We've all had 1 too many and logical decision making goes out the window I'm not saying it's acceptable at all but we've all been there.
Are you ending a good relationship for the sake of being pissed off he's had a couple of nights out or is this the final nail in the coffin for a relationship you've not been happy in for a while?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/04/2015 09:35

YANBU

His 'thick skin' method of behaviour is just another way of ignoring how he makes you feel.

Absolutly take the keys of him. Your home is not a hotel. I'd be furious at the lack of respect he is showing for you and your kids.

MagentaOeuflon · 15/04/2015 09:43

Agree with others, yes it's massively unacceptable, but also if you want to end it, you don't have to prove anything or win any arguments about how unacceptable his behaviour is. If you don't want to be with him, you have every right to decide that unilaterally, and end the relationship. Him not returning your keys when you ask for them is a pretty sure sign that you are right about him too. What kind of disrespectful twat does that?

You will need to change the locks because you'll never know if he's made a copy, which is annoying but a good way to draw a line under it.

If you get any shit from him afterwards like him hanging around your house, giving you a hard time etc then don't hesitate to inform the police. Someone who won't hand your keys back is showing signs that they have no respect fro you or your property and could turn unpleasant.

BlueBananas · 15/04/2015 09:45

Confused I'm confused! He gets drunk twice in two years and you're ending it and changing the locks??

MagentaOeuflon · 15/04/2015 09:47

It's not just getting drunk, it's barging noisily into your partner's house in the middle of the night after specifically being asked not to, then refusing to accept responsibility for that behaviour, change your ways, or hand the keys back when asked. It's not his house.

Original poster
RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 09:48

yes it's the respect issue that gets to me

Moo - it isn't only a couple of occasions. I am starting to think he has a drinking problem. Either he has a drinking problem or he has absolutely no respect for me or a combination of the two. But either way, I don't want to stick around and find out. Even if he manages a period of time without doing something like this, it will always happen again, that much is clear to me now.

I agree, every now and then, a night out when you stay a bit later than you anticipated is ok but this is too often and too disrespectful and I just get the feeling I am convenient as I'm close to where he goes out. I am basically a hotel!

Attila - I think you are right re the kids, especially dd. She's happy when I'm happy.

Thanks everyone, I will let you know how it goes today!

OP posts:
Original poster
RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 09:51

no Blue, I was just highlighting the recent ones

the issue for me is it is ALWAYS during the week when I'm working and the kids are at school. In the last month it's happened 3 times. I don't know how much over the course of the 2 years - I haven't counted but it's regular enough that it annoys me!

OP posts:
moomoob · 15/04/2015 09:53

If its on going and happening regular after you've asked him not too then yes cut your losses and ask him to leave if it's just a 1 off and your otherwise happy then yes your over reacting

BlueBananas · 15/04/2015 09:54

Oh ok that's very different then
If it's almost a weekly occurrence that he doesn't want to change then yeah, fuck him off

MagentaOeuflon · 15/04/2015 09:57

The thing is even as a one-off, if you stay out hours and hours later than you said you would and get hugely pissed, you should send an apology text and go to your own home (as this guy has one). What's the point of crashing into the house in the small hours - it is clearly not to see OP as she will be trying to sleep. IMO it's because he's a lazy entitled twat at best. At worst, it's about marking territory and showing her who's boss. Ugh.

Original poster
RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 10:06

Yes I agree

it isn't weekly, this month has been bad but probably before now it's been monthly but I've had enough and he can piss off

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/04/2015 10:08

You are never over reacting if it's unacceptable to you. Fenella is right. No one is entitled to do something that is unacceptable to you in your home.

He's a pisshead and it has affected your life. Like today, for example. Got you in trouble with your boss.

Your job is a priority. You are a lone parent with two children.

Get rid today. Change locks, too. Or he'll do it again.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2015 10:09

And is't he supposed to be at work today?

Original poster
RosesLimeCordial · 15/04/2015 10:09

also even when I was married to dh, and we were married for 12 years, if we were out later than we thought, especially after midnight, we would have texted each other just from a safety perspective as much as anything else!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/04/2015 10:10

You've asked for your keys back and he refused. Seriously. Get the locks changed. Call him and say his stuff is on the doorstep.

Ratfinkandbobo · 15/04/2015 10:24

People with drink problems have no respect for anyone, it goes with the territory IMO.

cleanmyhouse · 15/04/2015 11:26

Totally unreasonable. Get him out, change the locks.

Once or twice would be annoying, 3 times in a month is change the locks time.

loveareadingthanks · 15/04/2015 11:45

No, it's not an over-reaction.

I'll hold my hands up here and say that my DP (in my opinion) has a bit of a binge drink problem. Or had one, when we met. He's got it under control now because I also decided I was not having this in my life and he took me seriously on that. It's a dealbreaker for me.

But I only gave him that chance (and it took a little while to really get it under control) for the following reasons

  • he knew his behaviour when drunk was not ok without me having to tell him (although he doesn't accept he has a drink problem)
  • it wasn't happening every week or so, or even every month or so
  • no children in the house to be effected by it.

I think that there's a type of man who, without being an alcoholic (although your DP may be one), just like this type of lifestyle, boozing with buddies, no answering to anyone. It's only compatible with being a single man, on the whole, unless they find a mug to put up with it. But they, of course, also want the benefits of being in a relationship. they want to have their cake and eat it. They want to act single when they choose, and attached when they choose. You don't sound like a mug. Let him go off and find one as it really doesn't sound as if he is interested in giving up that single man lifestyle to be with you.

popalot · 15/04/2015 11:50

get rid.

Lived like this for a few years and it was hell on earth. Soooo tired from waiting up/getting woken up/cleaning up sick for someone who effectively moved in and did't bother paying rent....

... which then turned into getting blamed for stopping him doing what he wanted, which then turned into verbal then finally physical abuse.

So.

Get rid. He's wasting your time as he is not compatible with a busy mother and children and he'll only blame you for trying to 'control' him.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2015 11:53

Look we've all had times when an evening has gone on a bit longer than anticipated.

But in that case you call your DP and say "hey darling - this looks like it's going to be a late one. Is it OK if I stay out? I'll go home to my place so as not to disturb you and see you tomorrow. Love you! Bye!"

But he didn't do that did he?

And even when confronted with his behaviour he could have said "Oh god I'm so sorry - what an arse I was. I promise it won't happen again. I apologise and how can I make it up to you?"

But he didn't do that did he?

What I'm trying to say is that goingout and getting blotto once in a while isn't a problem - it's how he handles himself and his attitude to you that is the problem.

AlternativeTentacles · 15/04/2015 16:04

How did it go today?

Jux · 15/04/2015 17:32

You OK Roses?

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