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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions : Is it normal?

53 replies

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 21:24

I have an OH and DC. Been together 15 yrs, im late 30s he is late 40s. Last while I have been feeling very distant from OH but can not figure out what has happened or has it been the build up to snap.

I am the bread winner and always have been, my job is getting into difficulty due to the Company losing money, I have discussed with OH who does not seem to be concerned by the fact I may be out of a job. He works P/T but no contracts etc, cash in hand. I have suggested he get or at least look for something more reliable! But he is happy plodding about so the pressure and worry is back to me.

We no longer share a bed and haven't for about 3 yrs, we still have sex but probably more down to him as he gets moody if he doesn't get sex. He also smokes weed so can be quite moody and angry in a way if he isn't smoking.

Good points are he can be caring, doesn't cheat etc but can be a little controlling at times I think he thinks he is taking care of things but these are things I can manage myself if he left me to it. I suppose it can be condescending.

Is there a way we can connect or is it time for a new start?

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 14/04/2015 21:26

I vote new start.... And not with a pot head

PesoPenguin · 14/04/2015 21:30

Another vote for new start. He is totally using you!

sumoweeble · 14/04/2015 21:31

He's moody, angry, so much so that you have to have sex with him to placate him, he doesn't have a reliable job and his only good points are that he "can be" caring and doesn't cheat? What's keeping you there? Do you have children?

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 21:37

We have 1 DC, I think the moody part from sex is he is quite needy.

I have started to branch out this last yr, going out a little, meeting friends for lunch etc and im not sure he likes it that much that im finding myself a life now DC is a little older.

I sometimes feel I cant be myself now, as I feel he is suspicious of my changes but this could all be in my head alone

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 14/04/2015 21:38

That doesnt make him sound better. He doesnt want you going out with friends. He is controlling and using you.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 21:56

He wouldn't stop me exactly but I think he feels it is out of my character to do so, so maybe im up to something??

Maybe I look too much into things and come up with ideas, its just sometimes I don't feel I can be myself.

I have a right laugh at work and feel comfortable, then that shifts when I get home, im not sure why that is?

It just has me thinking is this my life forever? Not sharing a bed, this is probably more to do with me now as I don't think I want too, it just feels sad.

OP posts:

cafesociety · 14/04/2015 21:59

Moody when no sex, angry when not smoking, pot smoking, lazy, not a breadwinner, unreliable, disinterested.....not normal.

He sounds uncommitted, he is not being a responsible partner and who is unconcerned about your work stresses and happiness. Add in 'a little controlling', suspicious, not happy about you connecting with friends...and I wonder what the attraction is.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 22:05

Yes the job securities really bugs me, more now than ever.

He knows the past 3 yrs have had me on edge as we have a mortgage etc and I have made every payment from my salary, in fact I pay all bills and shopping. He has started contributing but this job could end at any point as no contacts etc. He has been offered reliable jobs but he doesnt seem interested.

Its just I feel all of a sudden I am looking at all the negatives of him but I cant help it, I am getting sick of holding things together whilst he gets about picking and choosing jobs and have a fly smoke of cannabis and cans of lager everyday.

OP posts:

sumoweeble · 14/04/2015 22:17

Sounds like you want to leave him. Understandably. Have you spoken to a lawyer?

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 22:30

...so the pressure and worry is back to me.....

Those are the critical things because they're unrelenting. You may think that you're enjoying yourself by 'branching out' but those two will grumble away underneath all the time. (The reason you feel more comfortable at work is probably because that's where you feel you're actually doing something with your life - outside work, you're just ....nothing much at all.)

Do you ever truly relax?

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 22:30

I think that is the feeling I'm struggling with, I feel guilty for feeling this way, maybe I could try harder and get him to make more effort etc but surely a man his age would do by now?

The weed is also a gripe to me for the money spent and his mood swings.

OP posts:

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 22:33

Cosietosie- I don't do much outside work, I'm not really a big socialiser, I spend a lot of time with my child, which I love doing. But I have enjoyed meeting up with friends recently, hearing their lives have made me see a bit more that mine is a bit strange.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 22:37

I think you should assess your legal and financial position (with a view to making a fresh start) before discussing the matter with him. It would be good for you to have a chat with a solicitor as a start because this is not tenable in the medium to longer term. (Much much less if your company goes bottom up.)

Something has to change and it would be as well that you knew your various options.

How does he interact with your DC?

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 22:41

He interacts well with DC, the weed usually doesn't leave him stoned but happy and chilled if that makes sense so he is still capable. Unless he isn't smoking he can be irritable.

He is good with child, sometimes in my view a little too strict but we have different parenting styles, I try to relax more with the parenting.

OP posts:

cleanmyhouse · 14/04/2015 22:42

Re-read the paragraph you wrote about good points: "he can be caring and he doesn't cheat" is it?

Time to get out.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 22:53

Even assuming your company does OK and the financial situation remains the same, could you carry on like this for much longer? It sounds as if he has a fairly relaxed life where you take all the strain - and it's showing.

Most importantly though - he doesn't appear to be noticing that there's any issue. There's no reason why one partner shouldn't take some strain depending on circumstances but doing that because you like it that way and be hanged to the other person is another matter entirely.

When did he last sit down and initiate a discussion of your work or your life with you? Does he actually know what you do on a day to day basis?

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 22:54

PS - I guess what I'm getting at is - Do you think he actually likes you and is interested in you?

Heckler · 14/04/2015 23:00

Don't settle for this. Unless there are some glaringly great things that you have missed out, then this is no way to live.

Get out. Have a spectacular life.

lunalel · 15/04/2015 04:44

My DH is caring and doesn't cheat, either. He also works 50 hours a week in a good job and doesn't spend money on drinking and taking drugs. So, no, I don't think it's normal. I think most normal people want to provide for and care for their loved ones. You deserve better than someone who sits around wasting money (whose money?) and making you do all the work :(

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2015 07:09

You need a new start without him.

re your comment:-
"Good points are he can be caring, doesn't cheat etc but can be a little controlling at times"
This is really sad, your relationship bar is so very very low and you seem pathetically grateful that at least he does not cheat. This is not how a relationship should be at all which also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up as well.

Your bar needs raising now, the fact that he is controlling is itself a deal breaker. You do realise that controlling behaviour is infact abusive behaviour.

Your notion of trying harder (how much more effort do you think you should put into this, one person cannot keep what is really a relationship that should have ended far earlier going on their own) is part of the sunken costs fallacy in relationships. What is HE doing to improve things, nothing from what I see. He seems quite happy as he is and also has you running around after him.

I would also read up on co-dependency and see how much that fits in with your own self. Are you really co-dependent?. Your child should not be seeing this so called relationship as a role model to be learning from.

Cherryapple1 · 15/04/2015 08:32

maybe I could try harder and get him to make more effort - really, is this what you really think? His behaviour is not your fault. He does this because he can.

But in answer to your OP, no - it is not normal to live with a controlling, drug taking cocklodger. And no, I wouldn't hang around. I wouldn't want drugs round my child either. What if school smelled it on your DC - they would call SS am sure?

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 15/04/2015 16:03

Well I have had my eyes opened by the responses on here, really. In the grand scheme of things I thought I was maybe being a bit OTT, but from seeing the responses I can see it is not a normal relationship really.

I think as I have been with him a while and very little experience before hand I was blinded by the good parts that he is faithful etc, which I can see as someone set I have set the bar for relationships low!!

What is the best steps to take next?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/04/2015 16:10

Oh my, he works cash in hand so how does he pay his tax and ni and how will that affect his state pension?

You are paying for his weed, he sits back and lets you do this - I could not be with someone who thought this was a normal way to behave, he's basically using you for a free ride.

And as for the neediness - that's commonly known as selfishness.

Surely you think you and your child is worth this waste of space round you your neck?

Twinklestein · 15/04/2015 16:12

Are you married? Is the house in your name as you're paying the mortgage...?

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 15/04/2015 16:19

I do believe we are worth more, its almost like I have awoken and can see what has been going on.

I have been so worried about jobs and keeping us afloat and all that time he has happily played a long at his cash in hand thing, he uses the cash he makes to pay for his weed. He does give me money, this started this year but I know I can not rely on him to get fed up , walk out the job or for the job to finish.

We own the house, I pay the mortgage directly from my sole account as with all the other bills.

OP posts:

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