Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opinions : Is it normal?

53 replies

cattygirl1 · 14/04/2015 21:24

I have an OH and DC. Been together 15 yrs, im late 30s he is late 40s. Last while I have been feeling very distant from OH but can not figure out what has happened or has it been the build up to snap.

I am the bread winner and always have been, my job is getting into difficulty due to the Company losing money, I have discussed with OH who does not seem to be concerned by the fact I may be out of a job. He works P/T but no contracts etc, cash in hand. I have suggested he get or at least look for something more reliable! But he is happy plodding about so the pressure and worry is back to me.

We no longer share a bed and haven't for about 3 yrs, we still have sex but probably more down to him as he gets moody if he doesn't get sex. He also smokes weed so can be quite moody and angry in a way if he isn't smoking.

Good points are he can be caring, doesn't cheat etc but can be a little controlling at times I think he thinks he is taking care of things but these are things I can manage myself if he left me to it. I suppose it can be condescending.

Is there a way we can connect or is it time for a new start?

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 15/04/2015 18:17

Is the house in joint names? You aren't married?

Original poster
cattygirl1 · 15/04/2015 18:57

The house is in joint names, we are married as well.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/04/2015 19:32

I'd speak to my solicitor ASAP to find out the legal and financial position.

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2015 19:40

Hang on, he has only just started to give you money for household things?

He sounds AWFUL! Really awful. He goes to work, gets paid cash in hand, spends it on weed and you wonder whether you should dump his arse?

Blimey. I do hope you don't have to give him anything from the house.

Generally, the rule is that if you feel happier leaving the house in the morning than you do coming home, something's got to change.

Original poster
cattygirl1 · 15/04/2015 20:46

That is a problem for me, feel happier away and a bit more relaxed even.

Think I have been blinded by what I thought was the good points for far too long!

OP posts:
Meerka · 15/04/2015 21:02

Its just I feel all of a sudden I am looking at all the negatives of him but I cant help it, I am getting sick of holding things together whilst he gets about picking and choosing jobs and have a fly smoke of cannabis and cans of lager everyday.

you've woken up. You've carried him, you've given him what he wants, a nice house and lifestyle, he's ONLY JUST started giving you money and he doesn't like you going out?? You might have been asleep but it's a good thing you're not any more now.

He needs an ultimatum: start pulling his weight properly, start cherishing you or go and pay for his own life instead of leeching off you.

Original poster
cattygirl1 · 16/04/2015 16:15

Feeling quite down to day about the whole thing today, suddenly feeling very guilty about how I feel, scared about the fact we may be over soon, worried that I may be throwing away something over silly issues compared to some of the stories on here. Such a mixture of emotions!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/04/2015 17:17

I can understand that - but these are not 'silly issues', OP.

Original poster
cattygirl1 · 17/04/2015 21:12

Excuse me for coming back again ... probably sick of me by now.

The last few days have been a bit bad for me. He seems to be picking up on how I feel and has gone to silent, moody etc, hardly speaking which is making me feel terrible.

Today he came home barely spoke, but he had not smoked Cannabis all day so this is how he would normally act anyway without Cannabis. It makes me feel s**t and so very drained. I went out for shopping came back and he is yap, yap, yap, had been smoking hash and drinking beer, all change for him and im expected to jump moods as well, like a yoyo!!

Also now speaking of giving up his job! I want to tear my hair out!!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 17/04/2015 21:15

Could it be that he ran out of money/contacts for his weed and today he got some cash/did a deal? (Forgive that I don't know his payday.)

cozietoesie · 17/04/2015 21:16

PS - did he also speak of what he intends to 'do' instead of his job?

Original poster
cattygirl1 · 17/04/2015 21:24

No word of what he intends to do, in the years I have been with him I have supported everything even before having our child so I don't suppose he is bothered as long as he has cash for his cannabis and beer.

He had money to get but probably just didn't smoke, this is what he is like when not on hash. So hostile etc. I never used to say anything but it really get s to me now that he can speak to me and treat me like crap then go Mr Nicey and im expected to accept that!! Its so draining.

I now know my job is safe for the next year or so but I have decided not to give him the comfort of knowing.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 17/04/2015 21:32

You seem to be realising you are living with a loser.

You really don't need this man in your life.

Why don't you find out what position you would be in if you left him? Speak to a solicitor and a mortgage broker. Gather together all your documents and pay for proper advice.

This knowledge will stop fear of the unknown.

Good luck, life can be great!

43percentburnt · 17/04/2015 21:34

Ps we are not sick of you. Keep posting and making sense if your situation.

CalleighDoodle · 17/04/2015 21:37

Yes keep posting as you think through and get support on how to get him out.

scarletforya · 17/04/2015 21:37

He sounds like a cocklodger OP. He's leaving all the heavy lifting to you.

cozietoesie · 17/04/2015 21:39

...so I don't suppose he is bothered as long as he has cash for his cannabis and beer.....

Yes - you take the strain and he has the luxury of not needing to care overmuch.

(And he doesn't seem to care overmuch about you either, I'm afraid. I had wondered whether it was possible that he had ceased smoking for a few days for financial reasons but even if that was the case, the fact that he might have come into funds and immediately thought of himself is quite revealing.)

Get thee to a solicitor early next week, I think, cattygirl1. It would be as well if you knew what the legal and financial position might be before you spoke to him.

I'm glad your job is safe for a time at least.

Original poster
cattygirl1 · 17/04/2015 21:40

Yes that's the weird thing, our whole relationship is based on him being in charge, man of the house etc! I have been carrying him!

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 21:48

I would start keeping a record of his drug taking, maybe gather some evidence. I would also gather as much information as possible about the cash in hand money. You may need it to threaten him if he turns nasty later.

Two other things I would do straight away if I were you:

  1. See a solicitor. Find out the actual facts.
  2. Do your utmost to re-establish old friendships and make new ones, even when he moans or outright accuses you of having an affair. Everything will be easier with friends.
cozietoesie · 17/04/2015 21:50

You certainly have. Not just financially but in pretty well every way it sounds.

Are you prepared to do that for another 20 or 30 years? (Heck - are you prepared to do that for another 2 or 3 ?)

Out of interest - does your child ever comment on his father's behaviour? This can't be having a great effect on him.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 21:59

Ha ha. Man of the house. A lazy druggie who can't even be nice to his wife and children unless he is high.

How old are your DC?

How much do you all reek of weed? And the house too? Do your DC's friends' parents allow their DC to play at your house? I wouldn't let mine. How common is it to have an addict parent among your friend group, in your area, or within your DCs parent group?

Original poster
cattygirl1 · 17/04/2015 22:14

I cant continue like this, I have wasted the early years of my life like this. Our child is 7 and adores him as he plays so much when on hash and of course as so much more time that me.

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 22:14

I meant of course DC's school friends' parent group.

By the way, none of your posts refer to him as a drug addict. Yet you say he has drink and drugs every day. Do you find it hard to admit that he is a junkie?

He interacts well with DC, the weed usually doesn't leave him stoned but happy and chilled if that makes sense so he is still capable. Unless he isn't smoking he can be irritable.
You think he looks after your children better after he has had drink and drugs than when he is sober. In fact you state it as if it is completely normal to let a man on drugs look after your children because it is better than how he behaves when he is missing his fix. That is very very fucked up.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 22:15

Your 7yo has learned that people on drugs are fun and give him attention.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 22:19

Surely it would be better for your 7yo to learn that people on drugs lose their family and have to sort themselves out and get a job or they end up in the gutter.

That's a better message than the current one: people on drugs have to find a woman who will pay for everything and do everything so that he can get high and only do fun stuff. And being nice to your wife is optional.

Swipe left for the next trending thread