Dysfunctional FOO Bingo

[HilarysMantelpiece]

I am starting this thread for my own benefit.

I am choosing to attend a family-of-origin event/celebration this weekend for my nephew.
He is my godson and I am very fond of him.
In attendance (lets mark them off our cards) will be

• the golden child
• the child like parent
• the peacemaker
• the hero
• various other assorted family members, in-laws, etc.
• and me, the scapegoat.

For jollies (!) I am assembling a list of expected phrases, arguments, dramas, negativity, and events.
If I get a full card, I shall treat myself to the full bottle of gin that I shall secrete in my suitcase along with my ipad...(probably won't be full within an hour of arrival). Not to worry MN, I am a very chirpy drunk and it will, in fact, ensure that the whole ordeal is bearable.

1. I shall be the first to arrive and will be welcomed warmly....which will be the host's last words to me for the rest of the day.
2. "She always looks at me as if I was something she brought in on her shoe" (said about me)
3. "After all I've done for her" (ditto)
4. There will be at least one ambush where I am placed in a situation where previous arguments are re-hashed in front of an audience in such a way as to make me seem unreasonable.
5. Negative remarks about various celebrities, other people visiting, co-workers; no positivity or sense of buoying people up.
6. "I was only joking" response to someone's upset at their remarks.
7. At some point, I will be left with sole charge of the 15-20 children attending.
8. "You look lovely" accompanied by a once-over which gives the opposite message

Gosh, I'm at 8 and running out......

Eek, sounds like a nightmare. As an aside though I cannot drink gin at all, ever. I always end up in a snotty mess, whatever mood I start the evening in, if I touch it.

I wish you well and your plan sounds like a good one

Hah! it seems that I am not the first to do this Bingo thing
Here

Thanks Steve.
I go very, very red in the face on wine; so can't do that....it will be evidence of my unreasonableness, you see.
Gin- colourless and hideable....
Though a martini and soda has the benefit of being low calorie and sophisticated........hmmmmmm.

I sound like a lush- my last alcoholic drink was a hot port before Christmas. So really, I need only to bring a leeeetle bottle of gin.

I love that link! Thank you

A visit to my mothers would usually wind up in me starting some form of bingo game myself;

1. Loved up about her dog
2. Hates the dog because of the dogs behaviour (usually caused by something she has done for the dog and expected the dog to enjoy but it didn't)
3. Rant about her own mother and how she tries to be a "good daughter" to her
4. Rant about other family members who are not doing enough to support said mother and she has to do it all
5. the next GP appointment and a discussion about her many ailments and illnesses.
6. Dismissive of any of my own views/feelings whenever raised to change the subject (to 7)
7. things she has bought or is bidding for on BidTV

I used to come away exhausted!

Can you also count your positive responses? Points for saying "Who cares? I don't.", "That's your opinion", "No, I won't do that", or that good old standby "Whatever". An eye roll and a 'phfft' (from you) gets you a point, too.

Just trying to inject a little 'positive' into what will probably be a 'negative' experience.

Good Luck and 'BINGO!!!'

Across I wish I had found MN years ago, I really do

(lovely to "see" you x)

I like your approach Across

1. I point for every time I mentally tell myself to take a deep breath

10. 1 point for every unspeakable, unsendable letter that I write over the weekend (my packing list always includes a journal, now) 11. Me "you can choose to think like that about it"...Response "oh you, and your bloody choices" 12. 1 point for every 10 minute meditation I have at the back of the stables (that'll easily get me into the twenties)

Oh yes, Steve I forgot about the bouts of martyrdom.

13. Current medical ailments tutted over and worried about (1 point)
14. Current medical ailments tutted over and worried about and actually discussed with a non-relative, competent medical professional (minus 1 point)
15. Current medical ailments tutted over, worried about and discussed with one of the in-family medical professionals, whose advice will be promptly ignored (plus 2 points each)
16. Current medical ailments of another family member which will be sighed over and pitied for their suffering (1 point)

(having bouts of insight here ..... medical ailments being a wonderful source of care and attention and power for the sufferer)

As it is a christening there will probably be plenty of opportunity for a"hilarious" anecdote about you as a baby/ child/ teenager. Or a comparison about what a sweet baby you WERE. Toxic families love these. Good luck and enjoy the gin! You are brave to be going.

Sorry I see it's an event not a christening but they will still probably manage it!! Mine do!

17. "You've always been so [sensitive/highly strung/stubborn/imaginative/difficult to get along with], it was just a joke!"
18. Wilful rewriting of family history to suit the current narrative script
19. The family martyr (my mum, in my family) skulking in the kitchen for 95% of the event, doing needless drudgery because "someone's got to do it" and we only asked her to come and sit down twice and not the three times she requires to know that she's "actually wanted there"
20. Family members or friends who aren't present being diagnosed with something recently in the public eye, e.g. "Your cousin's been sick ever since she got pregnant. I think it's that HG like Princess Kate" or "I was watching a film the other day about a psychopath and I realised your dad is definitely one".

oh how true slowtrain.

17. Hilarious anecdotes of me as a child - an unspoken comparison with my current "narky", "touchy" "oversensitive" self.

I don't feel so brave- it's probably the easier course to be physically there but mentally absent versus physically absent and spending the weekend on tenterhooks about the fallout.

pocket - marvellous suggestions. How re-assuring that I am not mad to see other people have this dynamic too.

18. Family martyr/drama lover will be in the kitchen repeatedly caught up in tidying despite being asked to come and join the fun. "She just wonderful" (see earlier medical drama entries)
19. Absent, less close family members' personal family/medical/work dramas being dissected so we don't have to look at our own stuff.

Oh! this is so liberating. I am almost looking forward to this now.
What should my prize be for a full house?

For a full house you get to go back to your hotel (god tell me you're not staying with family), rearrange your room so you can see the TV from the bath and get a bottle of wine on room service, then drink it in the bath, into which you have poured every complimentary bath product provided, while watching trash TV.

We are staying with family (LARGE home). So is everybody. So, despite the size of the house, there will be much hatred hilarity generated by bunking in and roughing it.
I am packing my 4-season sleeping bag valium, aforementioned gin, and this thread.

Oh oh oh

Just thought of another one.

20. Significant family member will not be able to make it at the last moment due to recent illness/ the distance/ business commitments. This will allow for much comment and discussion about how wonderful they are, how much they are missed, how hard they work, how they would have loved to be here and their general ability to add wonder to the world. Above only applies if family member is male.

And another.

21. Random, eye-poppingly random distant relation will arrive and be feted as uber-guest. They will feel warmed at the cosy fire of our close-knit, thoughtful and supportive familial gathering. Knives out as soon as they leave

LOLOLOL at 21. My mum used to do this all the time with one of her cousins. "Oh X, it's so good of you to come" and playing up to him. The minute he drives off, sarky remarks about how much he drank or "He got with that woman VERY quickly after Auntie J died, you know" (6 years, really?)

So you are bunking down in enemy territory. Stay calm, soldier. Make sure you have your supplies (gin) at hand, and your buddy within reach (Mumsnet on phone). Remember - name, rank, and service number only!

Omg! 21 yes!! My mum is always finding long lost cousins

Continuing on the ailments thing;

The ailment she has, other relative also has but the one she has is MUCH MUCH worse

Said ailment which is MUCH MUCH worse is an ailment said other relative only got AFTER she told them she had it, and is therefore not a real ailment but something they are using to gain attention

That ring true at all?

Have you forgotten to score for unnecessary and not entirely friendly comments on aspects of your appearance?

Hey Steve! How's things?

Hilary, seriously, it all sounds like a fecking movie! I think you should bring your laptop (or buy one) and write a screenplay!! "Wait, wait, Auntie Judgypants! Not so fast, I can't type as fast as you're snarking talking and you are HILARIOUS!!! I've got to get this for my script, it's pure GOLD!! Don't worry, I won't use your real name."

If you can work that in, you get a bonus 25 points.

Yes Sir!! pocket
I am fit and ready to deploy to the front.

at steve and wonders if she is going to the same weekend.
I shall be watching- ears open and mouth shut.

Eccle funnily enough I was starting on my packing upstairs when that popped into my head

22. 1 point for either "OMG Hilary, you've lost so much weight" in serious tones or "Hey fatso, where d'you get your dress/how much was it/ did we see that dress before?"

pond I rarely LOL at threads on here but actually snorted into my tea.
I am not bringing the laptop, no, too much temptation there. I shall be on phone and ipad during long trips to the loo/going for a run/ checking on the children/ looking at the dogs/ emptying the bins/ hiding in my shared bedroom.

The lure of 25 points...t'is strong though.
Hmmm- what are acceptable variations? Or other phrases that I can work in for a high score bonus (or triple word score....whatever)....

And what about faux concern about how much you've been spending lately?

Funnily, Eccle that one won't arise.
I have no need or desire to wear my income.
And that is a challenge to them as I no longer play the label game.

They will comment on my business. Grrrrrrrr.

23. 1 point for either "you're working too hard, you should take it easy" faux concern versus "have you applied for any jobs?"

I am really quite proud of being self-employed; but it really is seen as the "pin-money" option and now that DC are older, I "should" get a "proper" job.