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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just out of interest, is anybody planning to remain single?

90 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 14/04/2015 15:20

I am in the process of divorcing my husband and I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in meeting somebody else. I'm quite surprised that one of the first things people have said is that maybe I'll meet someone else.

I don't want my DCs to have to share their home with a stranger and I don't want them to have to get used to stepsisters or stepbrothers. After my youngest has moved out I may consider it but as she isn't born yet it's a long, long way off :)

Am I alone in this? I seem to be quite unusual.

OP posts:

CuttedUpPear · 14/04/2015 22:31

What an inspiring thread.
I am in a (unsatisfactory) relationship but have lived on my own with DCs for 16 years.

I would like to be happier at the thought of being on my own forever.

toffeeboffin · 14/04/2015 22:42

I'm married, but if I did seperate I would definitely be cautious of serious relationships.

I think that Tim Burton and Helena B-H have got a good thing going : they live next door to each other! Own house, rules etc but dinner and company when you invite them over

JaceyBee · 14/04/2015 22:44

Tim Burton has been shagging his PA for years though. Silly man!

CluckingBelle · 14/04/2015 22:46

I separated from my children's dad 16 months ago and I have zero interest in meeting someone else. I don't know if this is due to the damage done from being in an emotionally/physically/sexually/financially abusive relationship for a decade. I love my own space, not having to justify myself to anyone, I'm happy in my own company and that of my children. I like being able to choose for myself what to eat, when to go out or stay in, how to spend my money. I'm not willing to compromise myself for
another person, never again.

I don't think I'd be a very good partner. I barely have time to wash my hair let alone worry about another adult's wants and needs. I would be unwilling to share parenting of my children with someone else, my kids are happy here, just me and them. My home is my safe place, I'd find it really hard to share it with another adult, and there's no way I'd give it up to move in with someone else.

So yes, I'm staying single.

JaceyBee · 14/04/2015 22:50

I've been single 4 years now, had a lot of casual partners and fwb's but have no intention of getting a 'boyfriend'. I love my own space and just sharing a home with my dcs. Having a man here full time really does not appeal at all.

Frostycake · 14/04/2015 22:54

yes, single and no kids. Love my life. Ive lived with a couple of boyfriends in my twenties and early thirties and swore never again. The problem is that women give SO much more in relationships than men tend to. We also GIVE UP so much more as well. Falling in love is no guarantee of cohabiting bliss. I honestly think that women do better (again, generally) living with other women.

If someone hot came along though Id be up for a fling

willthiseverbloodystop · 15/04/2015 09:38

i'm in this camp too. Had 2 long term relationships (one marriage) and both have been problematic/abusive. The relief and liberation I feel in making this decision is incredible! I'm not ruling out FWB but certainly not until I'm in a place where it really could be just that, and I'm not at all sure I'm emotionally cut out for a no strings relationship. The lack of sex is the only downside of being single for the rest of my life, I can honestly say nothing else bothers me, I don't need that sort of companionship, it's just draining, I just don't think you can trust another human being that fully to invest so much in them.

I've got a lovely dd, and a cat! And in the future I will get a dog for the first time. I think that's enough!

LadyBlaBlah · 15/04/2015 09:51

I think pp hit the nail on the head for me. I (woman) seem to give up so much of myself in a conventional relationship. Old co dependency habits.

I do put them first. And for what ends? Well, only my own co dependent rage.

I am much healthier keeping a distance and independence and I've found that time apart does that for me like nothing else, when I can reflect and regroup and make sure I don't slip into 'looking after mode'

I have lots of married friends who I see have given up so much of themselves for husbands and children and I find it a bit sad now. But I've been there and the fog is blinding.

Lavenderice · 15/04/2015 09:52

By all means plan to stay single there's absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. I was single for 3 years after the end of a 15 year relationship and I LOVED IT!

But, don't be so resolute in your plans that you overlook what could be the start of something wonderful.

Andrise · 15/04/2015 10:28

Definitely not alone OP. I split from my exH in 2011 after a long and unsatisfactory marriage and I knew as soon as I discovered exH multiple infidelities that I never wanted to live with a man or remarry.ExH was a giant child who never gave me any support and always wanted to be the centre of attention - he just took up so much mental and physical space.

I get offers from time to time, but I hugely prefer being on my own with my DC. I have pink linen bed sheets and lovely scent diffusers - yeay! I also don't want to expose my DC to any men friends or step siblings. The idea that someone might criticise my children makes me come out in a rash.

Several of my female friends have also been long-term single and living alone for varying periods of up to twenty years, some with children, some without. Maybe this is becoming the new norm! We are all educated, professional women who choose to be alone and lead great social lives (certainly far better than I had when I was married). My friends are there for me in the supportive, drama free way my exH never was.

WordsFailMe · 15/04/2015 13:13

Me too I'm done with relationships. My EXH left for another woman 2.5 years ago and I don't see me trusting anyone to share my life or space again.

The DC's and I have got into a good routine, I like making my own decisions and apart from the odd panic over the sheer responsibility of being the breadwinner life is good.

Yes to scented diffusers and lovely bed linen. Also loving no smelly socks and car programmes and ruling the remote! I even like mowing the lawn.

I agree that so many women give up so much of themselves and it's been lovely to reclaim that time and energy back for me. I can't see me ever wanting to change that.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 15/04/2015 13:22

Another 'me too'.
I just can't envisage having a man in the house with 3 daughters around and I simply don't have the emotional energy to invest in someone else's needs and wants.
I'm perfectly happy on my own and intent to remain so even after the girls have left.
But yes to FWB! (when I've lost a few stone....)

Galrick · 15/04/2015 13:42

Lavender, if the perfect man for me ever shows up, I won't even notice the change I'm not waiting for something to be different or better in my life - the changes I want to see, I work towards making. By myself.

This 'perfect for me' man probably exists somewhere. We are probably not going to meet. That's okay, he's fine with his life as it is too. I'm not waiting or looking because I'm not lacking.

It's not a case of "overlooking what could be". I've had enough of wanting things to be other than they are, thanks. My mind isn't closed - the perceived hole in my life is. I filled it :)

BurningBright · 15/04/2015 13:42

I've been happily single for nine years. I don't completely rule out a relationship (if I happen to meet someone suitably fantastic), but I'm not certainly not actively looking. The idea of internet dating or speed dating is an anathema to me. I like my DD's company and I like my own company.

thegreysheep · 15/04/2015 20:34

Fantastic thread! I'm just a few months out if a 7-year pa ea relationship and at the moment, and for the foreseeable future, the thoughts of a relationship makes me boak!

Some ppl said to me straight away, oh you'll meet someone else, don't worry. But I 'm happy enjoying the simple pleasures of life for myself for a good long while I think. I suppose the difference now is that I don't feel the need to get into another relationship straight away to validate feeling worthwhile or attractive, whereas before I would have. In fact the worst thing nite would be to jump straight out of the frying pan and into the fire. In future maybe, though now it would have to be a great relationship, not just any relationship, like it would have been before.

One thing I've noticed, my lady relationship ended in my early thirties, when all my friends were getting into weddings, houses together, kids, and they were adamant I should meet someone no matter what. Whereas now everyone is a bit older and wiser and more nuanced, and realised a relationship or marriage is not always the holy grail.

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