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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just out of interest, is anybody planning to remain single?

90 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 14/04/2015 15:20

I am in the process of divorcing my husband and I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in meeting somebody else. I'm quite surprised that one of the first things people have said is that maybe I'll meet someone else.

I don't want my DCs to have to share their home with a stranger and I don't want them to have to get used to stepsisters or stepbrothers. After my youngest has moved out I may consider it but as she isn't born yet it's a long, long way off :)

Am I alone in this? I seem to be quite unusual.

OP posts:

sisterofmercy · 14/04/2015 18:15

The only time I feel lonely instead of alone is when I go to family gatherings and they ask me why I haven't met someone like there's something wrong with me. I never know what to say.

Apart from that I am blissfully anti-social.

Christophewouldgetit · 14/04/2015 18:19

This is a great thread and like you, Marmalade, expected a lot more of 'well, never say never'... and I will never say never but I am really happy with my life at the moment - one of my DC's parents needs to be stable and consistent so I certainly can never see me sharing my house with another man whilst my DC are still at home.

I do miss sex though - and I know OLD is perhaps the way to meet a FWB but I just can't bring myself to do it.

LadyBlaBlah · 14/04/2015 18:32

I've got a bf who has dc and feels the same as me - no moving in, no entwining of finances - what is the point? What is actually gained? The big advantage of being divorced is you actually get free time so despite us not living together we go out for more dates and to more events and more weekends away than any married people I know !

It works for us. And the blended family thing is just a big NO! All our dcs will be leaving home in 7 ish years and the only reason we would co-habit would be for US, the dc involved would not necessarily gain anything, and it certainly has high risks for their emotional health. They all know each other and have met up a handful of times, but living together is just something else entirely. We do exciting days out with them and they enjoy that, but then also like to get home to their own house and own space - as do his dc's. And that is totally fine by us - they do have to come first imo.

So I'm not strictly single but in Society's Eyes' we are seen as a bit single and still get the "are you moving in together" question and "oooo shall I buy a hat?".

Shrug.

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 14/04/2015 18:36

There's a big difference between being 'alone' and 'lonely'

THIS ^^

I have had more than my fair share of relationships and ONSs - the idea of meeting someone now just makes me feel like I would
be giving up something far more important so it wouldn't be worth it.

textfan · 14/04/2015 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dfg15 · 14/04/2015 18:39

I get fed up with people saying 'oh you'll meet someone when u least expect it' they can't seem to understand that I don't want to meet someone. I've got a lovely maisonette of my own and I'm blissfully happy being on my own.

Pandora37 · 14/04/2015 19:28

I don't intend on having a conventional romantic relationship any time in the near future. Certainly not one that involves a joint bank account, a mortgage or marriage. That doesn't mean I want to live like a nun, far from it - I intend on having several FWBs. Although I don't have children and I think weirdly that I'd quite like to be a step-mother but I'm nowhere near ready for that responsibility at this point in my life. My poor mother would have a fit if she knew what I was getting up to - she's desperate for me to settle down and have a boyfriend. I was badly burnt in my last relationship and I've seen how much worse it could have been for me if we'd lived together or been married. So it's made me more determined than ever to not go down that route.

CO2Neutral · 14/04/2015 19:31

what is a FWB or an OLD?

meglet · 14/04/2015 19:32

yes, for financial and practical reasons. it's been 6 yrs now.

I don't have a babysitter, maybe 2/3 times a year, the dc's, work, house and gym come first and after that I'm too tired. There's no room for anyone else.

got another 12yrs until dd hopefully heads off to uni, I'll reconsider then.

FifiLaFoofie · 14/04/2015 19:32

I can't think of a single thing that being in a relationship would add to my life. I get irritated by folk even asking the 'so are you seeing anyone' question but I smile and say "no, I found my happiness thanks"

Romeyroo · 14/04/2015 19:34

I am planning to stay single; have been separated over two years and beginning to feel human and have plans.

JeanSeberg · 14/04/2015 19:39

Friend with benefit and On Line dating.

CO2Neutral · 14/04/2015 19:42

thanks Jean x

loveareadingthanks · 14/04/2015 19:53

Live i whatever way makes you happy at the time.

You may indeed meet someone who is worth you in future so don't be too dogmatic about it - but I think it's very wise to realise that your contentment and happiness is basically down to you and that you can have a very happy life single.

My marriage broke up when my child was 9. I was happily single (with a FWB for a couple of years) for a long time and didn't ever go on the hunt for a partner.

Now my child is an independent adult I do have a DP I live with, who isn't an arse, and i'm happy. It's a different happy to when I was single, but it isn't a better happy, just different. I know I could be happy single again if it doesn't work out.

Have a lovely life x

MeganBacon · 14/04/2015 20:01

I wasn't bothered at all for 7 years after ds's father left, felt I had plenty of love in my life with just ds and was working so didn't want to spread myself even more thinly because I was already worried ds didn't get enough of me. It's also nice to feel like you've got everything under control and no idiot around to mess it up for you (the flip side is you sometimes feel vulnerable and it's awfully tiring to always be the one in charge). As it happened I bumped into now dh when ds was 7 and we spent a long while getting to know one another and being cautious before taking it beyond friendly dinners, by which time we knew we'd be married before much longer. Enjoy your single life to the max.

Viviennemary · 14/04/2015 20:06

I have found myself saying this to people. But really not everyone wants to rush into a new relationship. I don't think I'd bother with another relationship if DH and I split up. Far too much hassle. Even if I was younger.

pocketsaviour · 14/04/2015 20:22

After I split with my H I said then I would remain single, with just FWBs. I didn't even think about touching another human for 2yrs. Then one of my FWBs got serious and we ended up moving in together. I thought it would be okay cos we were both laidback people who didn't want to be in each others' pockets all the time. That didn't work out and he went off with another woman (who had an inheritance about to come through, the gold digging cock.)

I've been single again now for 2 years and I feel happier like this. I can do whatever I want, I can sit on the PC working for 36 hours at the weekend without anyone whining "we never spend any time together, waaah".

I never feel lonely but I do spend a lot of time watching fem-friendly, queer-positive porn and recharging a lot of batteries

I don't expect now to meet anyone else and I am definitely happier living alone. I may look for one or two FWBs again in future, or something more serious, but I would think long and hard about co-habiting again.

I have my cat, and she's basically the perfect companion. She doesn't snore, she doesn't want to watch crap TV, she doesn't care if I don't get dressed til 2pm at the weekends or stay up til 3am playing The Sims. She just wants biscuits, stroking and the occasional hairball clean-up. I can live with that.

Whataride · 14/04/2015 20:36

What a liberating thread. I have one ex-dh and one stbex-dh. I'm back living just with ds. I was panicked at first, single again at 40 but in the last few days have begun to think that actually I might be okay single. I am seeing someone casually and think it's probably best to keep it very low key, at least for the last few years of my ds teenage years. Thanks for giving me reassurance.

Funnytobe · 14/04/2015 20:47

I have been on my own for three years thank god. I have had a few shortish relationships but I find older divorced men are looking to settle down and they all wanted to stay over/go on weekend breaks/talk about getting engaged far too quickly.

I do miss the intimacy in a relationship and I enjoy male company so I have had the odd fling and a long-term fwb which does my head in but serves its purpose.

The thought of living with a man again, urgh, no thanks.

cafesociety · 14/04/2015 20:51

Yes, I decided to stay single quite a few years ago now and have kept to it. Very independent and perfectly happy in my own home, feeling fulfilled with friends and family and with a lot of interests to keep me busy. Can't be doing with another persons issues, judgments, criticisms or any emotional drama. Exhausting.

newnamesamegame · 14/04/2015 21:23

I would never say never but if I were single for the rest of my life it wouldn't bother me. Having disentangled myself from a 10 year marriage which for the past five years has been extremely stifling, I am craving the freedom of being single and I love the fact that for the first time in my life I'm not worried about meeting someone.

One of the good things about having come out of a bad marriage is that you know you can be happier single than in the marriage and it gives you a huge sense of strength.

I wouldn't rule out living with someone again if they rocked my world, cared for me and were compatible with my DD but I'm buggered if I'm changing my life to indulge someone else....

RubyMay82 · 14/04/2015 21:34

This thread is brilliant !
People need to accept that some women don't need to be in a relationship !
Why rock the boat that's what I think.
In my experience relationships bring stress, hassle& steal my peace of mind!!
I've said 100 times & mean it with all my heart I will never ever make my daughter feel 2nd best to any man or have her life affected as there were shitty relationships galore with my Mum when I grew up & I would rather cement up my lady bits than let history repeat itself !

ChoclolateOrange · 14/04/2015 22:07

It is indeed a brilliant thread. Thank goodness others feel the same as me.

It'a nearly 5 years since I split from my exh. I've had one relationship since and that finished me with conventional relationships. I'm finally settled into a new house and new life and very happy with myself. Only last night I realised I was absolutely sure no man would set foot in my lovely new bedroom. . I do have someone I've been out for a drink with a few times recently and if it goes further, it goes further in his house not mine!

StrongAsAnOx · 14/04/2015 22:15

Me too.

Why should the children have to adjust to more change?
Why would I trust anyone else not to betray and hurt me like my VH?
My children come first
There is no room in my heart
I have been irreparably hurt and will not trust again

However, I am up for a bit of flirting, just for fun and to remind myself that I could if I wanted!

StrongAsAnOx · 14/04/2015 22:22

CONeutral Friends With Benefits [GRIN] and On Line Dating

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