Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

In a massive dilemma and I have no control over it. So fed up.

93 replies

Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 10:47

Hey guys, apologies if this is too long but I'll try my best to keep it short.

Basically, I have been seeing a guy for 3 and a half years with a 6 month break inbetween. But..(i know this is really bad and people will instantly judge me) he has a girlfriend.

He is somebody I've known a long time, we have mutual friends etc, and when it first happened he said he was on a break. I got too caught up and basically couldn't say no when he got back with his gf. She once found out and it ended for a good few months until we saw each other again and took things from where they left off. A few weeks ago he said he loved me and I said it back. Since then, he has been overly sweet to me and promising to see me more often etc but he hasn't mentioned leaving her. I don't think he ever will. They are engaged and live together but I just can't say bye to him because my feelings are too strong, even though I know I'm being a mug.

However.....a few weeks ago I met a guy. Again, someone I've known for a while and he is a friend of my brothers. We kissed and started texting and then we slept together. He asked me out but cancelled saying we could rearrange...he hasn't. He takes ages to text back sometimes but then other nights he can text non-stop and make me feel great. He came to my house at the weekend and we slept together again, but on sunday and yesterday his texts were really short and tbh made me feel a bit rubbish. I have also just found out that he kissed a girl I know a fortnight ago. I really like him but have no idea where it's going and again, I just feel used.

I want this guy to take me out and then I can say to the other guy that it is over, there's no way I could carry it on. But I also feel guilty that I've slept with someone else, even though it's not me in the r'ship. I'm in such a pickle and i feel my happiness is depending on the choices that these two men make.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Everybody else meets someone, gets taken out, it's all hunky dory and that's that! I can't speak to my friends about this and I feel a bit stupid to be honest. I just want to know where I stand but I'm not one to send a serious txt/phone call as the guys themselves just aren't like that.

I'm so stuck. I keep having bad night sweats and throwing up due to the heartache it's causing.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 14/04/2015 10:56

You need to end it with both men and look into ways of raising your self worth. you deserve better than someone throwing you scraps.

shovetheholly · 14/04/2015 10:57

One of the things that you're doing wrong is to sit around waiting for the second guy to get with you so that you can make a choice about the first guy! This isn't 1815, sister!

You can take control and end the affair that's going nowhere without a second relationship to run to. There are loads of fish in the sea, but clearly neither of these is the right fish for you. So time to get rid of both and stop wasting your time and energy on following relationships that aren't right so that you can devote yourself properly to the pursuit of your own happiness..

upaladderagain · 14/04/2015 10:58

So you're depending upon two men who use you for their own convenience to decide what you should do?? Here's me, who doesn't know you, has nothing to gain or lose, saying that what you should do is to be on your own. Find out FOR YOUSELF what you want, and the only way to do that is to stand back from these two tossers and get your own clear view. You do not have to define yourself and your happiness by what others may decide they want from you at any given moment.
Be strong, concentrate on you, not them.

mamaslatts · 14/04/2015 10:59

It seems you have become a booty call for 2 men.

First guy - this could go on indefinitely if you let it (over 3 years is already a long time of your life). Even if he were to leave his gf and you got married, had kids etc, Would you be happy? Or would you always have it in your mind that he strung you along and cheated on you for 3/4 years? Would you ever feel relaxed in a relationship with him when he happily slept with someone else for all this time you were together?
Second guy - sounds like you are only trying to have a relationship with him to have an excuse to get rid of the first guy - you don't need an excuse! You happiness, self esteem and mental health are plenty reason enough. He is also using you.

How do you feel about going it alone? Is that such a scary concept to you? Remember, you are not 'stuck' AT ALL, these are your decisions to make and you could finish with them both tomorrow and wouldn't even need to give a reason. You owe them nothing.

AuntieDee · 14/04/2015 10:59

I agree with Madlizzy she's not being mad you need to get rid of both and concentrate on yourself for a bit. Once you feel good about yourself you will find that you attract the right type of men ;)

Never waste your time on someone who won't waste theirs on you x

AuntieDee · 14/04/2015 11:00

Cross posted with mamaslats also good advice!

Fatstacks · 14/04/2015 11:01

Walk away from both.
I'm guessing your desperation to be Doing normal' is seriously fucking your judgment up.

lottiesatitagain · 14/04/2015 11:02

Agree with Madlizzy. It sounds like original guy is using you for a bit on the side. He prefers his girlfriend to you. That is all you need to know.

The second guy I bet texts you at night at the weekend when he is having a few drinks . You are a booty call.

Please ignore these two and spend tone working on your self esteem. You won't have a normal relationship until you do.

MsMittens · 14/04/2015 11:06

ok - so you have been making some pretty rubbish choices BUT that does not have to continue.

The way these 2 guys are treating you means they have no respect for you and the fact that you are allowing it to happen and letting it dictate how you feel about yourself indicates that you some serious self esteem issues.

The only way to deal with this is to stop seeing them both. Neither of them will treat you the way you want or deserve to be treated and start working on how to make YOURSELF feel better.

And in the future please please please, don't get involved with anyone who is seeing someone else - it rarely never ends well and lots of people get hurt.

ActingBusy · 14/04/2015 11:06

You probably need to have a good long and honest think about why you believe that offering yourself on a plate to two guys who clearly don't want you as anything more than a casual fuck, is preferable to being single.

First thing to do is drop the "I have no control over it" mindset. Everything you've done has been your choice, this is a situation of your making, so own it.

Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 11:07

You have total control. You've picked two guys who aren't interested in you beyond a shag and aren't even faithful.

Why do you have to have a new guy to dump the old guy?

Who are you when you're not being defined by men?

Dump them both, take a break, have some therapy, figure it out.

FenellaFellorick · 14/04/2015 11:07

You absolutely have control. You are in control of whether you let them carry on like this or whether you say sod this and you walk away.

You are in control of whether or not you continue to see someone who has chosen to be engaged to someone else while using you too.

You are in control of whether or not you talk to this other chap and ask him where you stand.

You are in control of your choices. You can choose to remove both men from your life instead of choosing to stay in a half relationship with an engaged guy until someone else comes along to take over from him.

You are in control of choosing to be single or not.

You may not like your choices but that doesn't mean you don't have them.

What you aren't in control of, are other people's choices. You can't make the engaged rat choose you. You can't make the other guy call you. That doesn't mean you don't have control over the situation. It just means your control, your choices, are different to theirs.

Original poster

Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 11:12

Thank you for the responses.

Just to point out - I don't mean I NEED another relationship to say goodbye to the other guy - But if he did ask me out then it would be a no-brainer and I'd end it. The thing with the other guy is that I do really like him, and whilst sometimes he gives me signs of the same, I just feel a bit in limbo. Do I txt him one more time and ask him out and ask where I stand?

OP posts:

tribpot · 14/04/2015 11:15

In what way do you not have control? You have been hypnotised, brainwashed or perhaps held captive? No. You are choosing this situation, you have complete control over it. You are choosing not to exercise your control over it because you're afraid to do so, but that's not the same as having no control.

Your self-esteem must be close to zero. As a result you are being used by people who value you to the same degree. That isn't very nice of them but you are choosing to accept it. You aren't being very nice to yourself either, and that you can do something about. I hope you do - you deserve better.

Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 11:15

Ending it with the guy is a no-brainer anyway, so do it. He's got another gf he prefers, he just wants to fuck you on the side.

Don't ask him 'please will you define who I am and what our relationship is because I've no idea', tell him 'it's over'.

confusedoflondon · 14/04/2015 11:15

No don't text him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2015 11:17

No to texting him just one more time. You will just allow yourself to be further used if you do that.

Ignore the two of them and raise your own relationship bar a lot higher from now on. That also leads me to ask what exactly did you learn about relationships when growing up.

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/04/2015 11:18

You don't need a man to take you out to have fun, for goodness' sake. Especially when you're desperate for them to give you love and attention and they're using you.

Raise the bar a lot, find friends who you can have fun with, who give you confidence, start working on your self esteem and you'll meet men, some good, some bad but make it your decision who you see, not theirs.

MzunguMzungu · 14/04/2015 11:19

Neither of these guys want a relationship with you. Just break it off.

Life doesn't have to be a drama.

Original poster

Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 11:19

AttilaTheMeerkat - I never even slept with a guy until I was 22. My mum and dad were married for almost 30 years before my mum died.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2015 11:20

You know where you stand, though, don't you? He has a proper relationship with someone he's living with and engaged to. He will bluster his way through any questions you ask him but the fact is that if you were really special to him, he would have dumped the other woman ages ago.

Why not take a year off men? Dump both and spend some time raising your self esteem. Is there anything you'd like to do, like travelling or moving to a new part of the country? Are you happy in your work? Do you have good friends? If you deliberately decide not to see anyone for a year then you won't be put in the position you're in now, where you're accepting someone who calls when they feel like a shag.

FenellaFellorick · 14/04/2015 11:24

you like the guy who uses you as a fucktoy while declaring love for another woman and asking her to spend her life with him?

Are you going to carry on with him after they marry?

How about when she's pregnant with their first child?

Their second child?

When the kids are off to uni?

When they're celebrating their golden wedding anniversary surrounded by their grandchildren?

Where is your spot in his life? Is that really acceptable to you? What's your cut off point if him being engaged isn't it?

I realise I sound horrible and it's harsh but you really have to put your logical head on here. He is starting a life with a woman who is not you. Why do you want to stand in the shadows getting the odd fuck from him while he has the happy family?

MsMittens · 14/04/2015 11:27

OP - please do yourself a favor and accept that this guy has been stringing you and the other lady along for a few years now. If he was serious about you, do you no think he would have ended it with his current GF. Actions speak louder than words and his actions, living with and being engaged to someone else means he does not care about you enough to be in a relationship exclusively with you. You are worth more than that.

Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 11:30

I'm interested to know why you think you have no control in this situation, why are you handing all the power to men?

What was your parents' relationship like? Was your father at all dominating?

Original poster

Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 11:32

Twinklestein - No, it was a happy marriage.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4