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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a massive dilemma and I have no control over it. So fed up.

93 replies

Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 10:47

Hey guys, apologies if this is too long but I'll try my best to keep it short.

Basically, I have been seeing a guy for 3 and a half years with a 6 month break inbetween. But..(i know this is really bad and people will instantly judge me) he has a girlfriend.

He is somebody I've known a long time, we have mutual friends etc, and when it first happened he said he was on a break. I got too caught up and basically couldn't say no when he got back with his gf. She once found out and it ended for a good few months until we saw each other again and took things from where they left off. A few weeks ago he said he loved me and I said it back. Since then, he has been overly sweet to me and promising to see me more often etc but he hasn't mentioned leaving her. I don't think he ever will. They are engaged and live together but I just can't say bye to him because my feelings are too strong, even though I know I'm being a mug.

However.....a few weeks ago I met a guy. Again, someone I've known for a while and he is a friend of my brothers. We kissed and started texting and then we slept together. He asked me out but cancelled saying we could rearrange...he hasn't. He takes ages to text back sometimes but then other nights he can text non-stop and make me feel great. He came to my house at the weekend and we slept together again, but on sunday and yesterday his texts were really short and tbh made me feel a bit rubbish. I have also just found out that he kissed a girl I know a fortnight ago. I really like him but have no idea where it's going and again, I just feel used.

I want this guy to take me out and then I can say to the other guy that it is over, there's no way I could carry it on. But I also feel guilty that I've slept with someone else, even though it's not me in the r'ship. I'm in such a pickle and i feel my happiness is depending on the choices that these two men make.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Everybody else meets someone, gets taken out, it's all hunky dory and that's that! I can't speak to my friends about this and I feel a bit stupid to be honest. I just want to know where I stand but I'm not one to send a serious txt/phone call as the guys themselves just aren't like that.

I'm so stuck. I keep having bad night sweats and throwing up due to the heartache it's causing.

OP posts:
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 14/04/2015 11:36

I mean this kindly.

You sound like you enjoy being unhappy. Otherwise, I don't understand why anyone would intentionally stay in this situation. You do have control. These men are both treating you very badly. You need to end it with both of them, be single for a while, and find some self esteem, based on yourself, not on your relationship to/with another person. You are worth more than this.

PoppyField · 14/04/2015 11:36

Guy Number 1 is obviously a shit. So you don't need any excuse to bin him.

Guy Number 2 is obviously not that into you, but won't say no if you make yourself available.

Clearly neither wants a meaningful relationship with you.

I think you need to put a higher value on your feelings and your potential. At the moment you are getting the scraps. Not a positive thing. Consider the idea that you are worth more than that.

Find someone who wants to have sex with you and actually wants a meaningful relationship to go with it - as that seems to be what you want.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2015 11:36

Why don't you have someone in your mind, then, when you look at men? Think, "Would my dad/brother/boss/friend do that?" It can make a huge difference to how you look at men and can stop you thinking, "All men are like this..."

Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 11:40

Ok, so you haven't picked up this pattern from your parents, that's something.

That means these scenarios are of your own choosing. I think you need to figure out why you give yourself so little agency in your own life, and why you set the bar so low with men.

The bare minimum should be - a) monogamous, b) not just seeing you for sex & c) treats you right. Surely?

Jan45 · 14/04/2015 11:41

Agree with everyone else, you need to learn to love yourself and not need a man to define you, esp two who are clearly using you for sex and that is all. My self esteem would be rock bottom if I was in your position, it would make me ill.

You don't need to replace guy no 1 with anyone else, enjoy being single, having fun and doing what you want, instead of waiting around for one man who's already living with someone and the other who is clearly not committed in any way. They will treat you badly as long as you are letting them.

Justusemyname · 14/04/2015 11:46

Bit rich to complain guy number two kissed another girl when you are sleeping with someone else's fiancé.

Justusemyname · 14/04/2015 11:48

Don't use men in your bed and the amount of text messages you get off them as a way of feeling worth something. I hope you are using plenty of birth control and not just the pill. Given how everyone is sleeping with more than one person definitely necessary are condoms.

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 11:50

Thanks for replies.

I obviously have to work on myself.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/04/2015 11:50

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Seriously?!

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 11:53

Vivacia - With the first guy - yes - that is obvious. But the 2nd guy no, I don't. His friend told me that he seemed smitten with me and it was going well, so I don't understand what I've done wrong for nothing to progress as I do genuinely really like the guy and he is one of my brothers best friends.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 11:56

Guy 2 obviously not that into you. What you're doing wrong is having sex with someone who's not interested in you and hasn't even been faithful.

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 11:59

It's comments like that make us wonder what you've learned about relationships growing up OP. Relationships are not about you doing it right, or genuinely liking him or him being best friends with your brother.

Do you not worry that he's found out what kind of a person you are when it comes to relationships?

Pinktartan · 14/04/2015 12:00

I can't believe the situation with 'guy one' has gone on for so long. Seriously, you are literally wasting your life! Aren't you constantly wondering what he's upto with his girlfriend when he isn't with you?! You don't seem to have any empathy for his gf...why is this?! Do you know her?

Don't you want a normal relationship where you can go out together and do things with a partner who can about you and you alone an puts you first every single time? Where you are planning and building a future together to benefit both of you?

Really...step away from guy 1. Go no contact. Explain to him why you are doing it if you want, if he cares about you in any way, shape or form he should understand that this isn't a healthy situation for you, or indeed for either of you and not to mention his poor gf. Don't jump into anything else casual or otherwise until you know what you want from a partner. Otherwise your feelings are going to be temporarily transferred rather than resolved. Work on yourself. Are you happy in general? What are your life ambitions? I assumed you were in late teens from reading your original post.

BackOnPlanetEarth · 14/04/2015 12:00

There are lots of nice, honest men out there despite what it seems like on Mumsnet sometimes you are choosing the dregs. You have complete control if you want.

Neither of these guys like you that much. That doesn't mean you are not likeable though.

How do you do in the rest of your life. do you have a good job? And a good social life otherwise?

Might be an idea to get an STD check. Confused

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 12:05

All of this is making me feel worse, but I totally understand everybodys reasons.

I am in my early 20's. I'm not entirely happy no - My mum died when I was in my teens and I had no confidence when I was younger. I've since lost weight and gained confidence in myself (I was painfully shy until around 2 years ago) but I guess I clearly aren't happy or else I wouldn't be having this problem.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 12:09

By the way - I certainly have no reputuation of being a 'slag' or any sorts, and I have never had a serious relationship before. Of course that is what I want, and seeing friends get married and have babies makes me want this even more.

Like I said, guy no.2 seemed to be very true at the start and we have known each other previously. I thought it could work out. He is a shy guy and from what I recall, has never had a girlfriend before either. Maybe there's a reason why now after reading these replies.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/04/2015 12:14

Very sorry to read about the death of your mum. That must have hit you so hard as a teen.

I think what we're all saying is that you deserve a decent, respectful, happy relationship - both with someone else and with yourself. Start with yourself and take it from there.

Pinktartan · 14/04/2015 12:15

Early twenties..so this is when you should be having the time of your life, not moping over two guys! You might feel bad in the short term, but once you get rid of these guys who are making you hang on for a text/shag/whatever you can focus on yourself and you will feel so much better when they aren't in the back of your mind.

Forget guy two...Guys unfortunately do what you have described all of the time..not every person you meet or shag or fancy are going to want what you do...forget him and move on. You need to higher your standards, and not accept this shoddy level of treatment, you are worth so much more.

I would avoid relationships until you have death with issues from bereavement and self esteem otherwise you are very vulnerable to getting into a bad and even EA relationship. You are number one, don't forget this.

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 12:15

The advice might make you feel worse, but I think that people are presenting a clear and honest picture to you, rather than what you paint (you have no control, you're not doing anything wrong...).

Few people here are going to have truck with concepts such as "slag". My take is that you're making bad decisions, behaving pretty despicably and failing to take responsibility

Pinktartan · 14/04/2015 12:16

*Dealt with issues from bereavement. Stupid iPhone

Pinktartan · 14/04/2015 12:17

Also...again you have shown no compassion for the girlfriend of guy1... I find this strange

Justusemyname · 14/04/2015 12:18

Per your thread title, you DO have control over the situation and saying you don't makes you be a victim of the men. Is that what you want?

lottiesatitagain · 14/04/2015 12:19

Onwards and upwards Millie. Today can be the day you can change it all. You are young, you have plenty of time to meet the one. Look after YOU first, don't take any shit and everything else will follow. Break the cycle of crap guys today.

endoflevelbaddy · 14/04/2015 12:19

My mum used to say a man will never buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. I'm really not judging, but the older I get the more my mother's nonsense starts making sense to me Wink
The cheater will never leave his fiancée - why would he rock the boat when you allow him to use you when he pleases?
The other guy may well be smitten, he may not. If you do want a relationship with him make him try a bit harder, you'll soon know if that's what he wants as well.
And being on your own for a while is not the worst thing in the world, better that than having your self esteem eaten away by these two

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 12:39

The best thing i can do is to just not text either then, but I still can't get guy no.2 out of my head wondering if anything could happen. But I spose it's things like this that have sent me to post this to begin with.

OP posts: