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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a massive dilemma and I have no control over it. So fed up.

93 replies

Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 10:47

Hey guys, apologies if this is too long but I'll try my best to keep it short.

Basically, I have been seeing a guy for 3 and a half years with a 6 month break inbetween. But..(i know this is really bad and people will instantly judge me) he has a girlfriend.

He is somebody I've known a long time, we have mutual friends etc, and when it first happened he said he was on a break. I got too caught up and basically couldn't say no when he got back with his gf. She once found out and it ended for a good few months until we saw each other again and took things from where they left off. A few weeks ago he said he loved me and I said it back. Since then, he has been overly sweet to me and promising to see me more often etc but he hasn't mentioned leaving her. I don't think he ever will. They are engaged and live together but I just can't say bye to him because my feelings are too strong, even though I know I'm being a mug.

However.....a few weeks ago I met a guy. Again, someone I've known for a while and he is a friend of my brothers. We kissed and started texting and then we slept together. He asked me out but cancelled saying we could rearrange...he hasn't. He takes ages to text back sometimes but then other nights he can text non-stop and make me feel great. He came to my house at the weekend and we slept together again, but on sunday and yesterday his texts were really short and tbh made me feel a bit rubbish. I have also just found out that he kissed a girl I know a fortnight ago. I really like him but have no idea where it's going and again, I just feel used.

I want this guy to take me out and then I can say to the other guy that it is over, there's no way I could carry it on. But I also feel guilty that I've slept with someone else, even though it's not me in the r'ship. I'm in such a pickle and i feel my happiness is depending on the choices that these two men make.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Everybody else meets someone, gets taken out, it's all hunky dory and that's that! I can't speak to my friends about this and I feel a bit stupid to be honest. I just want to know where I stand but I'm not one to send a serious txt/phone call as the guys themselves just aren't like that.

I'm so stuck. I keep having bad night sweats and throwing up due to the heartache it's causing.

OP posts:
Theoldcauliflower · 14/04/2015 12:43

Agree with vivacia!

Jackiebrambles · 14/04/2015 12:47

Agree with the other posters, you need to work on you.

Guy number 1 is a total cheating scumbag. I recommend deleting his number as he is just using you, and if you continue to engage eith him he will continue.

Guy 2 just doesn't sound bothered and frankly when it's 'right' with someone you will NOT be wondering. Trust me on this!

You sound lovely and deserve much better than these 2.

Can you look into doing some stuff for yourself? Like a holiday or course or something?

nicenewdusters · 14/04/2015 12:50

Neither of these men is making you happy, so why invest any further ?

The first is a lying, cheating scumbag. His poor gf. He clearly has no conscience, and if you carry on enabling him to be unfaithful you surely have to question yours ?

The second guy. You've mentioned various reasons why he might not seem too keen. The obvious one is that he isn't too keen. That's not a reason for you to doubt yourself, or wonder if you're doing something wrong. It's just how it is.

In a few years (weeks, months?) you'll (hopefully) look back and wonder what on earth you were doing with these two. You're young, free and single. One's an engaged cheat, the other just sounds like a "bloke". You're the one with the great future, but you've got to dump these two and grasp it with both hands.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2015 12:51

You are in control of whether you let them carry on like this or whether you say sod this and you walk away.

What Fenella said. I hope you can flex your emotional muscles and start making different choices.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2015 12:57

of course you have control

if you want to, of course

have you ever spent any time without some unsuitable bloke in your sights ?

Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 13:01

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum OP.

What I think you should take away from this thread is that you are worth so much more than either of these guys.

We're all horrified at the way these guys are treating you, but the only person who can stop it is you.

To find a good guy, you have to make good choices and rule out bad choices. Any guy who has a gf is a bad choice full stop.

You say you're wondering if anything could happen with guy 2. What could happen fairly easily - indeed I think it's quite likely - is that he will ring you up, have sex with you and ignore you again. Unless you make a decision not to let a guy treat you like this.

Good luck OP.

Granville72 · 14/04/2015 13:22

You're just a booty call to two men who will pick you up and drop you when the desire takes them.

Get rid of both of them, stop texting and don't reply. Do you honestly think that they think anything of you other than a convenient shag? Of course no.2 will pick up the texting frequency when he needs a shag and then drop again when he got what he wanted.

You are in control, don't be a door mat for anyone.

CocktailQueen · 14/04/2015 13:38

The best thing i can do is to just not text either then, but I still can't get guy no.2 out of my head wondering if anything could happen.

Well, what's happened so far? he texts you when he wants a shag, shags you then doesn't text! That's not how a relationship is supposed to start: how about dating, chatting on the phone, romance, getting to know each other?

I agree with the others. You're letting yourself be used as a booty call by these two men. For heaven's sake, delete and block them both and don't contact them! Relationships are supposed to make you both feel GOOD, not like you're feeling.

Also, it's interesting you haven't mentioned any feelings of remorse for Guy 1's girlfriend - I know it's not your relationship, but don't you feel bad for deceiving her all these years? You need to work on your self esteem and be by yourself for a bit. Get to know you and what YOU want in life.

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 13:56

He txts me other times, not just to meet up! We have only slept together twice in the space of around 7 weeks.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/04/2015 14:00

It is strange how little you have to say about this woman.

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 14:05

I know who she is. Like I said, him and myself have mutual friends we know a lot of the same people and the same goes for her, although she is not somebody I have ever spoken to but we both know each other.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/04/2015 14:11

Apart from how you might be socially connected, do you have any other thoughts around her?

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 14:16

Yeah I don't feel good, obviously, which would make people ask then why am i still doing it, but after almost 4 years it's really difficult to say goodbye to somebody. i know i need to do it for my own happiness though as i cant continue like this.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/04/2015 14:27

I find your take on this quite perplexing OP. It's as though you are only capable of considering yourself.

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 14:29

Empathy! That's the word I'm looking for. It's as if you have no empathy.

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 14:35

Of course I feel bad, it goes without saying. I just also think 3 1/2 years is a long time and it's difficult to say goodbye. But, i also know it's my own fault.

When I say I have no control - I guess I'm just referring to guy no.2 and not being able to just have things go the way i want with him. When my phone buzzes, i always wish it were him rather than guy no.1. I have tried to distance myself and he has noticed, asking why I don't talk to him as much and so on. I only have myself to blame, but i think the most point of me posting this was a bit of advice regarding guy no.2 but i seem to have got an understanding that i should sack him off.

sorry, i dont make much sense but my head is in a whirl.

OP posts:
MrsFlannel · 14/04/2015 14:39

You SO need to get rid of both. You're young...you can bounce back. Be careful or you will find yourself getting into your 30s with no nice man at your side...you will have a married man by then and he'll have a family...you won't.

Jackieharris · 14/04/2015 14:41

Forget about both of them and move on.

popalot · 14/04/2015 14:46

If it's not going the right way, that's because it's not the right relationship. You're still so young - in your early twenties - but I've been around the block a few times and it has taught me a few things:

  1. A guy who has a gf and continues to date you does not care about either woman and is in it for the sex
  2. A guy who has sex with you very soon after starting a relationship is showing you a clear sign he is in it for the sex. A nice man will wait.
  3. If something makes you feel upset, stick by your guns and call it quits. A good man who is right for you won't make you feel that way.
  4. Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel good, it isn't good.

So, don't have sex too soon next time - make them wait. See what they like to do, hobbies, conversation. Will they bother with you even if you aren't in a sexual relationship? Do they make you feel happy and comfortable? If you get any niggles or feel unhappy about their behaviour, put on the brakes and tell them it's over in the nicest possible way.

Good luck and look after number one - don't let the players get you down. You will never win their games. Treat people the way you want to be treated and expect nothing less back from them than you give.

Auntieveronica · 14/04/2015 14:49

Guy one - give him the push

Guy two - it's early days. See it as a casual but no sex, no commitment, getting to know you thing. Have no relationship expectations and just enjoy being single. Learn to be happy on your own. Have some fun

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 14:50

Thanks guys. Beleive it or not, I am a nice person lol. Perhaps I'm too nice for letting myself be walked over by these.

OP posts:
Auntieveronica · 14/04/2015 14:51

I think you were too fast sleeping with guy 2 and probably look like your up for easy sex and not a steady long term relationship.

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 14:51

Auntieveronica - I know it's early days, so I think I'm trying to convince myself maybe something could happen. But should I lay off the texts and wait for him to come to me? Although surely me not showing any interest may well let him beleive I'm not interested.

OP posts:
Auntieveronica · 14/04/2015 14:52

I'm sure you are nice. Can you be happy on your own?

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 14/04/2015 14:53

Auntieveronica - It's a strange one because we have known each other for years and he knows my brother and my parents, so whilst it's quick i also feel like i knew him beforehand. Oh well. I've done it now

OP posts: