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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

anyone have loved one in prison?-support

81 replies

Zisterhood · 13/04/2015 19:55

Just that really i'd love to hear from anyone that has a loved one, partner, brother, father etc inside. My DB has been away for nearly 12 months now for a white collar crime. Just wondering if there are many of us out there?

OP posts:
Petallic · 13/04/2015 21:25

Just that really, there was a bit of head scratching whilst they worked out what my possible game plan was in getting rid of my pass before they just decided I was an idiot so I was allowed back into the visit hall - but then no one was allowed back out until end of visits. Luckily there wasn't too long to go!

bigfam · 13/04/2015 21:26

I know there's some bitchy threads on mumsnet sometimes, but when someone's in real need of support I find it so touching how lovely everyone is! Grin

hotandbothered24 · 13/04/2015 21:28

My son is and it's awful for him and all our family. To watch a loved one's life falling apart so badly , doing everything in your power to stop it and not being able to is a nightmare. For those living in glass houses and throwing boulders you really have no idea

Ratfinkandbobo · 13/04/2015 21:30

Well said hotandbothered

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 21:31

Shall we draw a veil over the gammon thing?

Jakadaal · 13/04/2015 21:31

An elderly relative of dh is in prison. I have no doubt he is guilty and needs to be punished but the effect on my family (dh, DCs, my elderly parents etc) has been and continues to be massive. I wouldn't be at all surprised if dh and I split because of the pressure.

I try and be supportive and send emails and letters.

I have visited once at Xmas and came away overwhelmingly angry at all the (in the majority) selfish men in there who felt it ok that their children visited their fathers in prison to show off their Xmas outfits (think lots of little ones in Frozen outfits going through security checks) Hmm

Seriouslyffs · 13/04/2015 21:32

I know lots of prisoners professionally and can confirm that prisons are humane places and can be a sanctuary and space to retrain, detox and think.
Write and send cards and encourage your friend or relation to work and take courses.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 21:34

why cann't they show off their outfits?!

alwaysstaytoolong · 13/04/2015 21:34

I worked in prison MH for a while and there are many people there that you would not expect to be committing criminal offences.
Have also had loved ones sentenced to custodial terms so have seen both sides.

Gammon - Google 'joint enterprise' laws. If you knew people sentenced to terms over a decade from simply being present during a serious crime (and the law stating they must have known it was going to happen or even just SHOULD have known) you might think differently

youarekiddingme · 13/04/2015 21:35

How difficult Flowers

I have a friend who's been in prison. We were doing an a level at college night school together 10 years ago. He walked my way home and we formed a friendship. After a few months he admited he was staying in the halfway house in our town having been in prison. He'd made a very stupid decision due to circumstances. He knew that and I understood why he'd done it.
Fwiw he went on to uni to study criminology and now has an amazing job helping criminals and developing understanding of criminal acts.
I'm very proud if him.

Meerka · 13/04/2015 21:36

hotandbothered24 ... I hope your son finds his feet and wishing you strength.

CanISayOfHerFace · 13/04/2015 21:40

I don't know if you've tried this site op:

www.prisonchatuk.com

My DB was in prison for four years and this site was a life saver.

It's so, so hard but we came out the other side, wiser, closer and stronger. I hope you do too Flowers

alwaysstaytoolong · 13/04/2015 21:45

Don't want to hijack thread but having worked in prisons - they're not all humane places at all let alone a bloody sanctuary.

Not wanting to distress you OP at all but couldn't let that comment go uncountered! I'm not wishing to be snarky either but the public perception of prisons as holiday camps/somewhere to get qualifications/go to the gym/reflect on your life is so inaccurate and damaging in the fight for prison/criminal justice reform or improvement.

Please PM me if you want any information from 'both sides of the walls' as it were!.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 21:47

yes I was a bit Shock at the humane thing. Not sure Belmarsh is

Ratfinkandbobo · 13/04/2015 21:56

I've never heard ex prisoners describe it as humane or a holiday camp.
Op send cards, letters and pictures very regularly. I hope your bro gets through it okFlowers

paxtecum · 13/04/2015 21:57

A new privately run prison in the NW was a sanctuary for my nephew.

It wasn't a holiday camp, but he was treated well and given support there.

I do realise that some are better than others.

thenumberseven · 13/04/2015 22:46

There for the grace of god.....
Not everyone who goes to jail is a monster
Gammon I hope life only hands your family the right cards, because with you for a relative they certainly need the best of luck

Please bear in mind that any one who drives a car could find themselves in prison through an unfortunate accident.
The best, kindest person I know is in jail this way. Your ignorant comment means I'm in broken just when things were getting better for me.
I could say that I hope you learn a life lesson by experiencing something like this. I'll say the opposite, I hope you never do

SleeplessSeattle · 13/04/2015 22:48

My best friend is. He got in with the wrong crowd and addicted to drugs. I cry every time I see him it's awful. He still has 10 years to serve.

Seriouslyffs · 13/04/2015 23:46

I certainly didn't suggest that prisons are a holiday camp or that it's great being there! Hmm back at you.
For many prisoners they are definitely a respite, maybe sanctuary was a misjudged word. Few people find themselves inside for a 'moment of madness' and a routine, chance to detox and access MH support and training can turn lives around. I don't know much about the Male estate and accept my good impressions of the Criminal Justice System are based on Womens' prisons.

Original poster
Zisterhood · 14/04/2015 07:30

Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging words. I'm not going to mention Gammon's comment other than to say I clicked on here a couple of minutes after posting to find that one comment and didn't feel able to look again all night.

I am under no illusions about prison being a sanctuary (we have experience of the prison mentioned up thread). It seems to be an up and down experience though.

I do get to visit, although not very often, as he only gets 2 visits a month and its a 200 mile round trip and I have young children so have to make arrangements. Weirdly I always get what I call prison flu as afterwards I'll feel fluey for 48 hours. I do enjoy our visits though and feel conscious that we need to make the most of those precious minutes.

Thanks for all your replies and please keep them coming.

To the OP who mentioned doing courses I'm particularly interested in that, as he's been told he hasn't done enough courses, although he has done some, how many should he be aiming to do?

OP posts:
Jojoanna · 14/04/2015 11:13

I have often searched for threads for support with loved ones in prison so thanks to everybody who has posted links. OP it must be very difficult for you and I hope you have some RL support as well .

Seriouslyffs · 14/04/2015 12:02

He should ask them what he should be doing- often courses are linked to addressing offending- so if he's been signposted to thinking skills, anger management, or addiction issues, then its important that he addressed this if he's hoping to get out in HDC (tag)

glasgowlass · 14/04/2015 13:03

My youngest DB is in prison, halfway through a 4 year sentence. He knows he was an idiot. He admitted guilt in his police interview after arrest. He knows what he did was wrong.
When on remand i visited a few times a week.
Once sentenced he was moved to a prison 50 miles away. He gets one visit a week so I'm only there every few weeks now. I sometimes take my eldest DS (6) as it really cheers him up to see the kids. He is doing well. Looks healthier, is healthier emotionally too. He has a wee job that gets him working 5 days a week & gets him some funds on his canteen account.
He has lost a lot. His house, his job, some friends. He only has himself to blame & he acknowledges this. I hope this was his rock bottom....

Pandora37 · 14/04/2015 14:34

My ex partner might be going to prison - he's yet to be sentenced for what he did. We have no contact at the moment and that will probably continue if he does go to prison. Although there's a part of me that thinks maybe I should take pity on him and write to him - I really don't know but I'll cross that bridge when or if it happens. Not quite the same situation, but the fallout from his arrest and court case has honestly been the most stressful and heartbreaking thing I've ever been through. I have a lot of empathy for people who have family members or friends in prison now, it's very tough. Flowers

hotandbothered24 · 14/04/2015 19:41

Lot's of lovely supportive comments and my thoughts are with everyone else going through it. For us it has been bad choice of friends and alcohol addiction that have changed my son from a lovely 16 year old to a very different person , we cling on to the hope that things will get better