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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

anyone have loved one in prison?-support

81 replies

Zisterhood · 13/04/2015 19:55

Just that really i'd love to hear from anyone that has a loved one, partner, brother, father etc inside. My DB has been away for nearly 12 months now for a white collar crime. Just wondering if there are many of us out there?

OP posts:

Summerbreezer · 13/04/2015 20:51

I am sorry to hear about all these negative experiences. I see a lot of people go to prison in my professional life, for a thousand different reasons. I can't bear people who get judgey about it. There but for the grace of God go any of us.

I recently had a client go to prison for death by careless driving. From speaking with her, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a mumsnetter.

Clayhead - you are a great friend.

Smartiepants - have they been convicted? Or are they to stand trial? All the best to you and your friend.

FizzyNuts · 13/04/2015 20:54

No I haven't visited yet. It has been three years since their crime and they have not replied to any letters except to those from one very close sibling. I don't think they are able to face up to what they have done.

My relative will be in prison for at least another decade, I can't imagine we will have contact and I can't imagine what it will be like to see them if/when they are released.

paxtecum · 13/04/2015 20:58

My nephew went to prison about six years ago. He was in for three years.
Like Bigfam it was heartbreaking, but at that time his life was in free fall.

His marriage had broken down, he had lost his job, he was depressed and on medication and he was drinking.

Prison was actually good for him. He got the counselling that he needed, he couldn't drink, he worked in there, he mentored younger prisoners. Fortunately he has never taken drugs and so wasn't tempted to start whilst in prison.

The first time we visited we were very nervous, but it was actually less stressful than going through security at a major airport.
All the prison staff were friendly, polite and treated us respectfully and obviously we were polite to them.

GammonandEgg, you really don't know what is round the corner in life, but I do hope you never find yourself with a close family member or even child in prison in the future., but don't think it couldn't ever happen, because it might.

bigfam · 13/04/2015 20:59

I was so nervous the first time I went to see my db, he's now been moved so I can't see him there's only a year between us and he was living with myself and my family at the time of the 'crime' and when convicted, when I got back from court I was in a huge state of shock, I knew what the outcome would be-as did he, but a few hours before we'd been joking around and chatting as usual, it was hard explaining to my lo's they won't be seeing their uncle anymore. I walked past the door that used to be his room for weeks, and everytime I did, I tap it and whisper "I love you (name)"

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 21:00

i am involved with the courts and I can confirm that ' nice' people break the law. A moment of not paying attention can cause something like death by dangerous driving.

there but for the grace of God go ANY of us, Gammon.

Of course loads of offenders are utter scrote bags too

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 21:01

Most people serve half the sentence. Unless they are named as Dangerous Offenders

paxtecum · 13/04/2015 21:02

Elizabeth: I agree with you and would like to add that a lot of non offenders are utter scrote bags too!

youngestisapyscho · 13/04/2015 21:03

My brother is in prison, for the 2nd time. I think he he is finding it harder this time. What he did was wrong, but it was the life he chose and he was aware of the consequences, although strangely, he did not seem to think he was doing anything wrong! Too much to explain really, but it is heartbreaking for my mum. He calls her sometimes and cries down the phone. There is not really much I can say to her to make it better.

primarywannabe · 13/04/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Patchworkpatty · 13/04/2015 21:05

bigfam usually half of the sentence given will be served. if he pleaded guilty he would have been given a third off bit only for an earl plea . ie before it went to a trial. so if he got handed down 5yrs 9 months (69 months) should be out after 2yrs 10 months ish

SocialMediaAddict · 13/04/2015 21:05

My best male friend went to prison a few years ago. He made some very bad life choices.

He used the time to change his life. He studied loads and kept his head down. He's now got a good job and works hard.

Hope you get the support. I was terrified the first time I went to visit. I wrote loads. The letters must have been banal crap but DF said it was a comfort to get them.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 21:07

The weeping in the dock is quite common, as the Securicor person arrives.
I really don't think that your average Joe appreciates the penalty of having your liberty taken from you. Its all 'oh they watch tv all day'

(Interestingly in sentencing exercises the General public, despite thinking htey would be tough on criminals, always under sentence! )

bigfam · 13/04/2015 21:09

Patchworkpatty

Thanks for the clarification on that.

Unfortunately my db's life is never going to be the same again, when I say his life is literally ruined, for the rest of his life, I'm not exaggerating

paxtecum · 13/04/2015 21:09

Primary: you made me laugh.

paxtecum · 13/04/2015 21:12

I used to write a postcard or card at least once a week.
His sister used to write every week.
He was happy to hear about our lives, days out and holidays.

Irelephant · 13/04/2015 21:12

My DP served a 9 month sentence. He was young and stupid and missed the birth of our first child because of it. It is hard op sympathy to you.

Petallic · 13/04/2015 21:14

I don't now, but I have in the past. My one piece of advice is don't accidentally flush your security pass down the toilet in the middle of visiting hours (it fell out of my mouth as I turned round) it causes a right kerfuffle!

Ratfinkandbobo · 13/04/2015 21:15

My exp served two prison sentences when I was with him, many years ago now. He just used to keep his head down and get on with it.

wonderingsoul · 13/04/2015 21:18

my brother was in prison for a year.

he is gay and has a drink problem.
he was in a pub one night when a local started tauntimg him with homopjobic insulta and shoved him, he turned round and due to be drunk and having had enough of the taunts went to punch him but he still had thw glass in his hand.

it was tough I was only young but it was tough on my parents, essp my dad who was a policeman at the time so felt it redlected even worse on him. though I can understand why and know he didn't mean to glass this man he did it still very hard on our family thouhh we never turned our back on him.

PotteringAlong · 13/04/2015 21:21

petallic that's good advice How did you explain it?!

primarywannabe · 13/04/2015 21:21

A few of my extended family have been to prison. It isn't nice, seeing their parents, wives and children broken.

My cousins' lives are wrecked because their dad spent some of their childhoods inside. Its really messed them up. One is an alcoholic and one is a criminal himself.

People make bad decisions. You have to remember that no one chooses that life. There's no "what do you want to be when you grow up?" "a bank robber". There's hardship, abuse, poverty and desperation. There's weakness, stupidity and addiction.

And before anyone says it, I know there are people who grow up in horrible circumstances and live a perfect life, but not everyone is strong.

Before you judge, think of what you have that some others don't.

Meerka · 13/04/2015 21:22

gammon, you'll find it really hard if you or anyone you love ever fucks up. You'll discover you're just like everyone else. except right now, you're luckier. Luck doesn't last forever.

bigfam · 13/04/2015 21:23

I know people say they will turn their backs on their family if they do X or X, but until you're put in that situation, you just can't relate.

RudyMentary · 13/04/2015 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coconutty · 13/04/2015 21:23

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