Exes u turn

[Bambino1234]

So I've written a number of threads on here recently about my partner leaving, another woman was involved although they don't seem to be rushing into the throws of a new relationship.

At first I found it difficult to deal with, it was so out of the blue, with two children in tow my whole life was turned upside down. I begged, I called and text almost non stop for six - eight weeks. Then I just thought I can't do this anymore and with a lot of hard work I have ament the last six weeks maintaining little to no contact at all.

My ex was adamant he didn't want to be with me anymore, but always has to add the it could be different in the future his feelings my change - I think it's his way of keeping me latched on.

Lately though he seems to have softened towards me, he is offering to help more , have the children more, he stops to talk when he drops the children off and has also reverted to calling me by my petname.

I just don't understand the sudden change in personality, he was awful to me when I left, he begrudged any help I asked for, would lie and became very self centres. he is still involved with other woman but I don't seem to care anymore, I am slowly detaching from him.

Is he just being adult or is the sudden change perhaps him starting to miss us ?!

I wanted him back so much at the beginning I was utterly broken, he from the get go never wanted to entertain the idea of us being a family again in fact he accepted that pretty easily which is what I found very hard to understand.
He has never shown any sign of regret, we had a few tears at the beginning but that was because he's been caught out with his co worker and I think the guilt are away at him.

He's been very clinical, telling me to move on, to get over it etc etc .... It took me along while to accept that he had just like that stopped wanting me and then just like that I didn't want to be begging for love or begging for him to want me so I have just stopped, I don't want contact with him.

On occassion his mum will have them and drop them to him, it's not the dropping off that concerns me though as I am in control then. I drop them off and go.

He's not being a nuisance or unkind I must say that isn't a problem I have - my problem is just that he's been so unkind and now he is making these little steps again and it's all confusing as I has got use to the knob he had become.

You have done so well.

So well.

But time to knock it on the head with respect to him coming into Your home.

Really, he has no right, and I think it would be a good idea to enforce that boundary now.

Heckler
I will I don't go into his as I say I've been in once to his new home to collect my things but I was in and out.

I just don't understand why he wants to come in and talk, ask me if I want to join them on a day out and show more interest in our lives.

If you simply want everything to be amicable, and you are not hankering after him, why not just be bright and breezy. Why all the wondering whether he is changing his mind, does it matter to you? Why all the worrying and analyzing his behaviour and his relationship with her?

As regards his changed behaviour, it might be as simple as this: In the early days he had to set the tone, the boundaries, he acted cool, he stated his case unequivocally, he ignored your intense emotional pain, he distanced himself in order that eventually a new dynamic could be established. It is perfectly reasonable to do this when the other party is ringing and texting, begging and crying. Now you are acting calm, rational and controlled and appear to have got over any romantic feelings or emotional pain, he thinks it is possible to create a new type of relationship, based upon co-parenting and friendship. It is possible that people fall out of love but retain an emotional bond where they love that person and care.

You don't understand why he wants to talk to you, I suspect because you are still hankering after him. Move on, instead of trying to, instead of making it up, do it.

What I don't understand is his rapid change in personality- not hankering after him sitting on my doorstep hoping every time he's bought his suitcases to move in.

The begging, crying and texting stopped well before his change in stance towards us ! Not just me but the children ...

It is easy to move on I have in practical terms, I have in the fact I don't want him to come home I don't want him at all - what I do want is for him to pick either mr I don't care or mr trying to be a good man and stick with it - not spend the bulk of the last few months forgetting he had children - forgetting what a mess he made and then suddenly he wants to be more interested.

So yes you could say now that the air is cooler he's trying to be civil - but that does not mean he needs to invite me to spend time with him, making chit chat just to linger and getting annoyed because my life is moving on.

So yes I am moving forward, not pretending I did that and he and everyone else saw through it, but it is hard when you hit a hurdle and suddenly it's not so clear anymore !

Don't try to understand it.

And don't let him set the tone. YOU decide how your interactions are going to go.

Try not to give a fuck whether he is Mr nice or Mr uninvolved. Do breezy uninterested in either case.

That is what I would aim for (easy for me to say, I know)

Heckler
I think it is easy for everyone including myself to put an opinion on it and we can't - I guess there is no understanding to be had.
As I have said before it is easy to say no I don't want him back no I don't need him but until your slapped in the face with it how do you really know what you want.
I am at a point now where I am able to see a future without him, Ive got all the basics of a happy life and I've got two children that are slowly settling back into life again - you read so many stories of men coming back wanting to try their luck at forgiveness and I'm worried that the more he tries to keep a foot in the door the more vulnerable I will be into feeling I have to take him back.
He may not come back no, he may just be being kind and trying to get us into a parenting couple that can get on.

...but it is hard when you hit a hurdle and suddenly it's not so clear anymore !...

It's surely hard but I can tell you that there will be plenty of posters reading that post, nodding in recognition and thinking to themselves 'Oh that's clear enough from my experience'.

You're moving on, showing that you're a strong and independent woman and mother and that has made you attractive and interesting to him again.

He'll actually likely be quite annoyed by your progress as well - he'd probably almost like it deep down if you were weeping and wailing and clinging on to his shirt-tails - within reason. (He might have professed irritation but it can be gratifying as all get out to have someone adoring you when it doesn't cost you anything in terms of time and effort.)

Don't be misled. He hasn't changed at all - it's just that you're (for the time being) being given Mr Nice Guy as a result of this rekindled interest.

Have you had the 'shy smiles' and sidelong glances yet?

Bambino - Don't sucked in & honestly try not to analyse, keeping moving on and don't just imagine the future without him, have that future!

I agree with cozie and heckler - you need to set the tone and he'll be sad that you're slipping away.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, it isn't meant. You don't need to understand his rapid change in personality, it doesn't matter, you are moving forward and making a new life. All that matters is that both of you can be friendly, civil, flexible and supportive of each other in your role as parents. I would much rather establish a friendship if I were to be in that position, but then I am fairly forgiving. And again, forgiving is also part of the process of moving forward. Anger eats the person who feels it. Analyzing everything will only make you more vulnerable to him, so try not to over-think it all.

That's okay. I am all for being friendly and co parenting with the best interests of my children in mind, that is what I have wanted from the beginning.
It is very hard though when the practicalities of housing your children, schooling your children and working to provide for them were all taken away by him because of this and how little he had thought it through. This was all an added distress to my children which he was not interested in resolving, he was happy to sit back and watch me stress and worry about all of it, he was not interested in being friendly or helping me then.
He was also not interested in helping me when mid way through January I just needed a break, I needed a few days away from the children and to just breathe, gather my thoughts and have a moment to myself, I begged for that and he put himself and his business before that.
He has called a handful of times between his weekly day with the children, forgetting to call on important days and genuinely seeming disinterested - the OW was able to be called on numerous occasions most days.
Begging him to watch the children so I could work one evening as my childcare had cancelled - 1 hour of begging and then he dropped them home at midnight! As he didn't want them staying.

So his latest mr nice is rather hard to get to grips with - I don't even have to ask now let alone beg and that is what has got me wondering, why now start to be nice when he's been so incredibly difficult when I needed him most.

Because he's an arsehole that's why.

He must think it will benefit in some way.

Now he's made it clear that you can never rely on on him or expect him to be a decent human being, he can be nice with no danger of you asking anything of him.

Maybe things are not going as well as he'd hoped and he wants to keep you sweet as an option.

I would stop investing time and energy in the whys and wherefores as, given his appalling track record, it makes no difference.

I think it is time to put your boundaries firmly in place. Next time he uses your pet name, say please don't call me that, it's not comfortable any more. Next time he brings the dcs back, be 'on the phone' when you answer the door and usher dcs in, nod, smile, close door firmly.

The best revenge is living well. This is what you've done. As he sees you doing this he sees his options closing. I would be polite but distant and try to increase the distance between you.

I'd rather just say if pushed - 'My name is Bambino'. When you get a real player, saying 'I'm not comfortable with that any more' can lead into discussions of feelings etc on a 'Why aren't you comfortable with that any more, [pet name]?' basis. I think it's better just to close the conversation down without giving them any sort of opening.

(Although actually it's far better not to start such conversations in the first place - as said, boundaries.)

I love this post!

Im cheering from the rooftops for you because straight away you got it!

How to move away from someone in three easy steps.

Be very, very proud of yourself.

You're not just a prize, you're a lottery win and he wants some of it.

And I'll bet AF 's house he wants a big slice of that right now.

You've made so many changes you've made him dizzy.

The best form of revenge is to live well and oh boy aren't you just doing that. No wonder he's like a fly round the honey pot.

You were never meant to do that in his script and neither I was I..I went travelling abroad. He never thought I would do that without him. I remodelled the house.

I was never meant to get a boyfriend. I was probably meant to lie down and die.

Inever saw him for 6 years and when we did meet up he could barely bring himself to say 'hello'! His resentment was so great.

As a 60 odd year old woman, I hope you don't mindme saying bambino that the biggest mistakes I ever made was going back to an old flame.

I let my exh come back and it delayedmy recovery by another 18 months and allowed him to show even more contempt for me.

That cold hard side you witnessed in your husband is very much part of his personality and it will rear his ugly head again if you don't play ball.

As someone on another thread said everyone has good bits andmy husband did have some good points. I wouldn't have stayed married to him for over 30 years if he hadn't.

When he died at Christmas I had very ambivalent feelings . By going through my early years photos I could lay to rest the nice man he had been with the monster he became.

Keep moving forward sweetheart. You are doing just amazing.

Thank you everyone !
All are right that he is not the man I thought and mostly why on earth would I want him to come back only to reminded of all that he has done to not only me but my children too!!

I hope that he will one day have a realisation of what he lost, the children won't be small forever and I'm pleased that six days of the week they share their lives with me, I didn't choose this life but I'm learning to live with what I have got.

Dowser - did your husband leave you and come back ?! It's a double edged sword really isn't it - you get what you want but you probably won't want you get

...you get what you want but you probably won't want you get...

And there will come a point - sooner for some than others - when you realize you don't actually want it at all!

I guess as everyone says time is a healer and one day it won't bother me anymore what he is doing as I'll be too wrapped up in my own life to worry about him.

You'll be valuing and enjoying yourself again.

(And from the sound of your posts, that day isn't too far off either. )

Thank you cozietosie

I have really tried to get on with my life and my childrens. We are trying to deal with what we have and whilst they have both took a while to settle they are slipping back into their old selves after such an upheaval.

I do not miss this man.
I just want to find closure And acceptance for what has happened to us.

I haven't had my hair cut for a long long time so tomorrow I'm going and I'm going to have something different - small changes.

So keep me sweet just in case he decides that life isn't so rosey.

He is on the edge of courting you, Bambino. Be very careful. Your boundaries still sound a bit "soft" I think you would be crazy to let him back into your life in any way other than to take or return DD. He really doesn't need to come into the house at all. This is your new home, it has none of his stuff or his vibes in it. I'd want to keep it clean of him, maybe you feel the same?

I'd be much happier if he knocked on the door handed over the children and left which he used to!

So you're noticing the red-flag changes in his behaviour. Please be very very aware that he really is pushing his way into your space. He hasn't really changed at all, eh? Still wanting it his way and thinking he's clever enough to manipulate you into falling for it. He isn't even sliding/sliming in is he? He's exploiting your gentility and stepping his mucky, entitled feet right bang into your new home. I'm actually shuddering. Like a tom cat he's marking his territory from the hallway right through every room he entered. You are part of that territory. He doesn't see it as YOUR space. He sees it as his, in time.

The lack of eye contact isn't shame. It may be a rudimentary aversion of eyes delude you that he isn't challenging - like animals do? But he IS challenging you because here you are thinking and knowing what's really going on, trying like mad to convince yourself otherwise. Because here he is, walking into your home after you told him not to.

You are amazing to have got out, set up home and started over. I think I recall some of your other threads. Kind of a chilling/terrifying man isn't he? Now trust your intuition, she's telling you the truth. Beware!

It's not a huge turn around as if he is hear every day or calling every day but compared to how he has been when he could barely muster a conversation or listen to me - he has changed in attitude towards me and as I say now thinks it's okay to come in, it's okay to stand and make small talk about anything he can think of - to ask me on a day out - all perfectly innocent but when he's been utterly hard work for the last few months it is all a confusing change.

....it's okay to stand and make small talk about anything he can think of - to ask me on a day out....

That's courting behaviour as tipsy warned. You've become 'interesting' again because you're independent and a bit of a challenge now. If he got his feet under your table, you'd be back to the first square in very short order.

Make those boundaries stronger!

You aren't obliged to let him in - you owe nothing in the way of politeness and hospitality. He threw away the chance of guilt - free friendliness when he started his affair - you absolutely do not need to allow him to assuage his guilt and pretend everything is water under the bridge. He is a long way from being dad of the year - a civilised conversation about washing machines with the mother of his children counts for bugger all when he refuses to do anything for them.

I wouldn't let him in. There is no need for him to be in your home - I bet you aren't welcome at his.