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Original poster

Exes u turn

93 replies

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 19:25

So I've written a number of threads on here recently about my partner leaving, another woman was involved although they don't seem to be rushing into the throws of a new relationship.

At first I found it difficult to deal with, it was so out of the blue, with two children in tow my whole life was turned upside down. I begged, I called and text almost non stop for six - eight weeks. Then I just thought I can't do this anymore and with a lot of hard work I have ament the last six weeks maintaining little to no contact at all.

My ex was adamant he didn't want to be with me anymore, but always has to add the it could be different in the future his feelings my change - I think it's his way of keeping me latched on.

Lately though he seems to have softened towards me, he is offering to help more , have the children more, he stops to talk when he drops the children off and has also reverted to calling me by my petname.

I just don't understand the sudden change in personality, he was awful to me when I left, he begrudged any help I asked for, would lie and became very self centres. he is still involved with other woman but I don't seem to care anymore, I am slowly detaching from him.

Is he just being adult or is the sudden change perhaps him starting to miss us ?!

OP posts:
Slowtrain2dawn · 13/04/2015 21:43

When you are happy and independant you are attractive to him as a challenge. If he "wins" you, and you are available again he has met the challenge, proved his power and boosted his ego. His belief is that women must be dependent on his approval. He cannot stand that you can survive without him. You must be dependent on him to prove his manliness. So as soon as you show any sign of needing him you will prove him right. I'm not sure if I am explaining this well but basically stay strong, stay independent. Enjoy the fact you will not be drawn into his game. You don't need him. You don't need his apology or fake regret because you are whole without anything from him. That is your victory! Concentrate on what makes YOU tick ( it's not him is it?! ).
Congratulations on moving on Flowers

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 21:48

yup

cleanmyhouse · 13/04/2015 21:52

I do love a happy ending. The happy ending here is that you're moving on.

Maybe he has realised what he's lost, maybe he's been dumped. Maybe he's seen something in you that he hasn't seen for a long time. Maybe his ego can't take it. Maybe you're a challenge.

Whatever. Could you ever trust him again? Or are you going to be happier without him? Sounds like the latter.

Inertia · 13/04/2015 21:54

What happens is that you continue with your happy independent life, fabulous children, new house, new car. Doesn't matter one jot what he does, he is irrelevant to your life and only needs to feature in it to maintain contact with the children and to pay appropriate maintenance.

He isn't interested in a future with you. He had you marked down as a reserve option , to fall back on when OW wasn't interested or when he needed somebody to humiliate for a confidence boost. Now he sees you becoming tough and independent, he thinks he needs to rope you back in as his back up plan.

cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 21:55

....I begged, I called and text almost non stop for six - eight weeks....

... he was awful to me when I left, he begrudged any help I asked for, would lie and became very self centres....

....when I needed the help and was at my lowest he would have sooner spat on me....

And I'm sure you can think of more.

Are those examples of a man who cares about someone, the mother of his children even? They're not even a person being polite to another human being!

You know him and I don't but I suspect that if you allowed him back in, he'd be sugar sweet and caring until you showed the very smallest sign of needing him/being less than totally independent and then it would quickly deteriorate again.

Charley50 · 13/04/2015 22:01

I agree with Cozie.

handfulofcottonbuds · 13/04/2015 22:05

You have had great advice.

Please don't be responsible for AF being made homeless.

tallwivglasses · 13/04/2015 22:07

I just wanted to add that you should decline these offers of help he's being so 'generous' with now. He wasn't there when you needed him so you've built up your own resources.

We'll done OP Smile

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 22:09

I will come and sleep on your sofa if that happens, handful

(but it won't, worry not)

newnamesamegame · 13/04/2015 22:23

One of two possible things has happened: a) as several posters have suggested, he can't bear to think of you being independent and happy and has to try to reel you back in if he sees signs that you are moving on
or b) his relationship with OW has deteriorated, either because she has dumped him or because he has seen she is not worth the fuss...

Neither scenario reflects well on him. And neither of them is a good basis for rekindling a relationship after he effectively threw you and your kids out on your ear.

Its understandable that you are still thinking about this, its fairly fresh, you were taken by surprise and badly hurt and your family life has been upended.

But please don't jeopardise your new life and your children's new-found stability in order for this twat to indulge his ego....

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 14/04/2015 06:52

Thank you all for your in put !
I know that it wouldn't be right to entertain whatever it is he is doing! He has caused so much hurt and has no respect for me even as the mother of his children, he has had no clear stance from the outset - I lost over 2stone with worry - watched my 4 year old blame herself and have been worn into the ground by someone I loved unconditionally.

The hard part is knowing that he could so easily go from being a father to his children to seeing them one night a week - I never saw upset about this and still don't.

Yes relationships do end I am not naive - but before he decided to wander into his co workers arms we were happy and excited for the things planned this year and it just makes no sense at all.

OP posts:
Spell99 · 14/04/2015 14:58

While the above may be true, there is a chance that he has just had a chance to decompress, feel less trapped on a wheel and with you no longer in the pleading phase he can be relaxed around you again.

Maybe he will realise what he's missing maybe he wont. I Hope its not a calculated move though, only you know him and will be able to judge this however.

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 14/04/2015 15:10

Spell99 I did wonder if it was just because the air was clearer we were both just being more rational. Just seems a lot of effort when he wasn't making it anyway, to now suddenly start.

OP posts:
NKfell · 14/04/2015 16:08

It might not be calculated/rational...he might now be worrying that his claws are loosening but not in a mean or nasty way.

When breaking up, in fact when I broke up with someone I felt comforted knowing he still wanted me (even though I ignored him, told him to leave me alone etc.) and when I felt like he didn't need me any more it hurt me and made me feel anxious- I became very helpful, rational and polite and I think I actually flirted! It wasn't out of me being mean- it was an irrational fast beating heart and zero thought process type of rationale. I think it's just almost like a self preservation mechanism.

The not seeming unhappy about one night a week with his children is bizarre and it will most definitely be hard for you; I don't understand that at all.

Be very careful and keep thinking of yourself and your children. Don't fall for anything just yet would be my advice.

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 16:17

He's had his chance and he has blown it.

With all due respect you weren't enough for him then and you won't be enough for him now.

You keep on making a success of your home and your life and let him wallow in his own self pity.

'to leave my home , my job and change my daughters school it was all added pressure and he didn't help at all'

He did that ^^ not only to you but his children too.

When a man shows you who he is you need to look and keep that look with you.

Tell yourself this is over. He can't hurt you anymore.

Flowers
Original poster
Bambino1234 · 14/04/2015 16:25

When I stopped all my contact with him I had got to a point where I accepted that he wasn't going to be what I wanted, he had changed into someone I didn't know and she was quite welcome to a man that would so easily give up on a life with his children and me with no warning, we had only been and bough new furnishings for our new home a few days prior to him deciding that a life with the wench was a better deal.
I could quite easily get on and accept the cards I was dealt accept now after all my pleading for help to get some stability for my children, to help me back on my feet he has begrudged, moaned and held things against me he is now mr nice guy - he didn't bother calling on her first day at her new school in January, or ask me if I could manage child care, or what school had I picked ... Yet today he has called once before school, once after and a texting asking pretty please can he call our daughter (I've never asked him to ask, and he never would of before) so what disconcerts me is that now after all these months he is trying to make some sort of effort.

OP posts:
NKfell · 14/04/2015 18:04

It might not be an effort as such though- it might be him not wanting to let you go because what if he wants you back again...he might need to make sure you'll still take him back when he wants...if you know what I mean.

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 14/04/2015 18:30

So keep me sweet just in case he decides that life isn't so rosey.

I would of much preferred he kept to the way he was atleast then I knew what I was dealing and was beginning to cope. Now I am confused about his behaviour whilst it's not anything hugely significant considering how he has been the last few months it's a huge turn around.

OP posts:
NKfell · 15/04/2015 01:00

Just keep doing what you're doing and try (I know it's easier than said) but just try to not analyse his behaviour and concentrate on what you're doing without him.

This way if he does realise he's a tool and wants you back, you can make a considered decision and not a frazzled head sore heart decision.

Incidentally, like I said before he might not be doing this to be mean...for all he seems a bit of a doyle, he might be genuinely anxious about you moving on. Just don't let it stop you.

NKfell · 15/04/2015 01:02

*easier said than done! Trying to rush and iPads don't mix!

tallwivglasses · 15/04/2015 02:05

"watched my 4 year old blame herself and have been worn into the ground by someone I loved unconditionally."

That sentence chilled me. So, he might be starting to miss you. Boo hoo. Great, accept the extra help, see how things pan out - but knock the fucking pet-name on the head. How fucking presumtuous.

tallwivglasses · 15/04/2015 02:09

I bet he's started 'friendly' touching you too. Grr. Angry

Been there, OP. Just remember you were Doing Fine!

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 15/04/2015 06:24

He doesn't friendly touch no as I keep away from him when he does come in, I either hang coats up unpack their overnight bag etc so I'm never stood there adoringly hanging on his words - I'd be much happier if he knocked on the door handed over the children and left which he used to!

He did both the pick up and drop off this week, has been checking in more to see how the children are - it may just be him trying to be more active in their lives but it seems a huge change of late.

OP posts:
hesterton · 15/04/2015 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 15/04/2015 07:13

Hesterton I have had to do it because as I say it wasn't as straight forward as him leaving me - he knew I had to leave because his home was provided through his work at the time, I also couldn't continue with my job as the hours were unsociable and we weren't near my family or friends/support network so ultimately I had to come back to my parents. Im back on my feet now, I left my home with two suitcases and have had a fridge and tv everything else I have had to provide myself.

I have been in my house since the end of feb now - to begin with I would open the door usher the kids in and take the bags, I had told him I don't want him coming in as I felt it was my home and he didn't need to infringe on that.
He seems to have got more daring though, and now just comes in following the children, standing and talking, it is all pointless conversation, even down to the washing machine - last week he stayed for over thirty minutes the children were gone and playing in the sitting room by that point.

I want to be amicable yes, I want to eventually be able to stand on the doorstep and chat about the children - but I am not interested in that at the moment.

When I was doing both the pick up and drop off I began just ringing the bell and leaving them when he answered the door obviously polite hello have fun bye !
He started bringing them back to me and was the same at first but now he seems more interested in hanging about, talking, he never makes eye contact almost as if he is ashamed.

Like I say I don't know what is going on with him but it's all a different game to the one he has been playing, he has always provided financially as he feels obligated too, but on the practical side and the emotional side he has been hard hard work and I don't want him breaking me down again.

OP posts: