Disowned by family for leaving DH

[Calistar]

DH and I were together for 9 years and have 2DC (7 & 10).

DH drank a lot, he had sought help for his alcohol problem but it continued to affect our lives. There was no intimacy in our marriage and DH was very hard on DD, which made things very difficult in our household at times.

Long story short, I met someone else, fell in love (nothing happened), my mother found out and told DH. DH hit me in a fit of rage, marriage ended.

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother (parents divorced), I tried to talk to her numerous times about how unhappy I was but she doesn't 'do' emotion.

Now my brother barely speaks to me, my mother told my very elderly Grandma who now wants nothing to do with me and my uncle and aunt don't speak to me.

My Dad has been great as have that side of the family.

Our DC are fine, we have worked hard to keep things running smoothly for them. DD is happier that the tensions & rows between her and DH have stopped.

I'm really struggling with everything at the moment. I feel massive guilt and struggle with losing half my family.

I don't have any words of wisdom but it sounds like you need some

Their loss, and your daughter's gain. Focus on that.

There's nothing you can do with idiotic people. I would just leave them to it.

I just feel this huge burden of guilt, like I'm the evil woman who selfishly tore her family apart. They are all very close to ex DH, who incidentally has been very understanding throughout.

you know you did the right thing.

You were in an unhappy marriage with a man who was unkind to your children, receiving no support from your Mum when you tried to confide in her.

You are now not in the unhappy relationship, your daughter has a better relationship with her father and is happier. You are not receiving support from your Mum, your Brother or your elderly GM.

I'm failing to see how the improvements in your (and your DD's) situation cannot completely outweigh the negatives of not speaking to your DB or GM.

Don't feel guilty: you have made a huge change to improve the lives of your children. Good luck to you all.

The people who should feel guilty are your godawful family.

You've done nothing wrong. You left an alcoholic who treated your daughter badly. Of course you had to do that.

As if your family haven't behaved appallingly enough, they're now close to your ex.

They have no morals, no loyalty, and apparently not much intelligence.
Do they think your ex will look after them in old age? They've made their bed, let them lie in it. It will prove uncomfortable in the long run.

I don't know whether maybe I should write a letter to my Grandmother explaining in my own words? I haven't actually tried to contact her since, I sent a card at Christmas but received nothing back.

As PP have said.

There's no guilt for you, Calistar. Stuff 'em.

You do not need to justify what you have done to people who did not support you when you needed it.

You did the right thing for you and your children. This is what matters. If they cannot see that you do not need them in your life.

Stay strong and be proud you had the courage to leave and give your children a better future.

I wouldn't send a letter myself. It will likely just be twisted in some way and you'll get yourself all worked up if/when you get no response or an unfavourable response.

You're happier now and so are your DC. Let those others drift away.

My very good friend also 'disowned' me.

I had confided in her about falling in love with someone else. DH confronted her further down the line and she told him everything. She then went on to tell our mutual friends how 'disgusting' it was that I had acted so selfishly.

When I tried to speak to her and ask why she had told DH things I'd confided in confidence, she ranted and put the phone down. She was always a little odd though

She's not a good friend though is she?

You can try, but her response depends on her personality. If she's independent-minded she may be able to grasp your pov. If she just goes along with the rest of the family, even if she believes you it may not change anything.

op

Well done in stepping away.

Don't feel guilty. Your XDH hit you. He's an alcoholic, he was hard on your dd.

For hitting you alone, your family should be backing you up to the hilt!

You've done the right thing, what you say about DD doing better without DH around makes it worth it.

Just keep repeating that to yourself. I grew up with an alcoholic father. Arguments galore (I'm stubborn) and he did do something about it but it took years of self analysing to sort myself out.

And tbh who wants a mother who runs to your ex to "tell on you". She should have been asking you what's happening and supporting you!!

It's a very sad situation for you but there is certainly no guilt that you should be feeling.

Your family on your mum's side have failed to support you as they should have and are instead still close to your alcoholic ex, who, let's not forget, hit you. Not the action of a loving family.

I would work now on strengthening the bonds with your dad's side of the family so that your DC (and you) still have a good extended family network.

I would not suggest writing to your gran as it's unlikely to change anything and as a PP said you will just wind yourself up more.

You know the saying about learning who your "real friends" are during tough times...this is the time. Keep your supports close and avoid those who want to punish you for making the right decision for you and your kids. Xxx

Sounds like you have been surrounded by some pretty awful people. Thank goodness you have made a fresh start and now have the opportunity to focus on making good friends who have your best interests at heart. Cut off unsupportive family and take support from your Dad's side. You have been brave and strong, don't bother with guilt.

Your mum has behaved absolutely terribly. She interfered in your relationship, turned other family members against you and has no support to offer you. I'd stop feeling guilty and stop worrying about "losing" her or about what she and her side of the family may think. She sounds domineering to say the least and you may actually find some of these family members are sympathetic towards you, but are trying to keep her happy. They may come round eventually.

Plus your marriage was clearly over and your DH hit you - you did absolutely the right thing to end it. Think about the alternative - it would not have been better to struggle on just because of what your family think, you have to do what's right for yourself and your DC, and you did.

Thanks everyone, The support has brought me to tears - I thought I might get flamed.

It's so hard when it's family (especially my mother), to take a step back and realise that they may be being unreasonable. I guess everyone craves that family love and it really leads to me questioning myself and my actions regularly.

They aren't stupid or mean, which makes me find it really hard to understand their actions.

My mother actually went to counselling over this and is still seeing an acupuncturist for the 'stress' ....

Uh Huh. Your mother likes 'drama' does she?

Hold on, you feel in love with someone but never had an affair. So why why are your mum/your family/'best' friend treating you as if you had committed the worst sin ever?
You didn't even have an affair! Nothing happened!

As for your exDH .... I suppose his reaction is just in line with how he behaved before anyway?

They are all very unreasonnable. Even if your mum has decided that you must have had an affair and ikt was the worst thing to do ever, her reaction isn't hard to comprehend.
I can see though how the rest of the fsmily can turn your back on you if she is telling them what she thinks has happened rather than what has really happened.

Oh, and well done for separating.

You've just given the best gift ever to your dd! And for that, you MUST be extremely proud of yourself.

By any chance, when your parents separated, did your dad have an affair?

I'm wondering if she isn't projecting all the hurt of her own divorce onto you.