Disowned by family for leaving DH

[Calistar]

DH and I were together for 9 years and have 2DC (7 & 10).

DH drank a lot, he had sought help for his alcohol problem but it continued to affect our lives. There was no intimacy in our marriage and DH was very hard on DD, which made things very difficult in our household at times.

Long story short, I met someone else, fell in love (nothing happened), my mother found out and told DH. DH hit me in a fit of rage, marriage ended.

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother (parents divorced), I tried to talk to her numerous times about how unhappy I was but she doesn't 'do' emotion.

Now my brother barely speaks to me, my mother told my very elderly Grandma who now wants nothing to do with me and my uncle and aunt don't speak to me.

My Dad has been great as have that side of the family.

Our DC are fine, we have worked hard to keep things running smoothly for them. DD is happier that the tensions & rows between her and DH have stopped.

I'm really struggling with everything at the moment. I feel massive guilt and struggle with losing half my family.

Now see if I was a nasty person I would tell you to go visit said grandmother and give her a few home truths about her daughters behaviour towards your dad.

But I'm not that nasty..... so I never wrote the above, okay?

I'm absolutely not condoning any kind of tit for tat type behaviour but there does seem to be an awful lot of pulling wool over eyes going on. (Not you op, more the various members of family you've mentioned)

Sorry, but a toxic 'side' is no side at all. Don't forget that. Even if he wasn't an alcoholic, he HIT you. That on its own is justification for immediate split, regardless of any other circs.

....You've had the toxic relations in your family cleared out in one stroke.....

That's a fair point, springydaffs.

Agree with springy

the 2 sides of the story has a lot to answer for. How dare your mother betray you so badly? she actually caused the situation that brought about you being hit by your DH. you could have been seriously injured - or worse!

You have cleared them all out in one fell swoop, they are no use to you at all, trust me. yes it hurts, but it is their choice to behave so badly towards you. You don't deserve any of it, and neither do your children.

Write the letter to your GM if you so wish, but do so on the understanding that it probably won't make any difference, and in fact, it could be used against you.

My story is somewhat similar....I ended the marriage due to exH's vile temper taking his stuff out on my young sons when I was at work [but got caught out] and FA, etc. etc.
My [toxic] family outwardly stood by me, but have always strongly judged, criticised and had opinions behind my back....so very false and two faced. It has escalated for various reasons over the years so much so that I do not have anything to do with them...and the relief is immense.

I can see that everything they have had issues with and their warped opinions about my life is them dealing with their own stuff, and jealousy...as I change bad situations and do not like martyrdom and drama. They do. Now though they have nothing to gossip about as I will never let them in.

I think you have been caught up with your mothers past and how she dealt with it, she is being competitive and resentful of you, and probably was just waiting for you to [what is in her eyes, not mine] a mistake...so she can now take the moral high ground. Thereby making her the 'goodie', and you the 'baddie'....you now have the role she had.

Let them get on with it. Concentrate on your dad, your DC's and the others who support you, life's too short to waste on cruel and judgemental fools .

I'd also warn against letters. People twist words, context and meaning to your detriment...believe me it's happened to me. Strange how no one else actually saw what I actually wrote, just distorted versions.

It can make matters worse alright.

DC adore my mother

calistar ... maybe I'm looking on the black side here but these words ring faint alarm bells.

When you have highly manipulative (not to say poisonous) people, they don't stop being manipulative just because they become grandparents. After all they were / are manipulative as parents. Your mother has badmouthed you and distorted things to at least your grandmother and likely your brother.

I'd say that it might be okay, but it's worth keeping a sharp eye out. If they start asking questions that make you wonder if your mother has been giving them a rather unpleasant view of you, undermining you, then you may need to think about how to limit contact. Maybe this is completely unnecessary but her behaviour to you has been very poor indeed.

Has your ex accepted just how badly he behaved when he hit you?

Actually, I don't think it's worth keeping a 'sharp eye out'. It's enough that she's poisonous. You and the kids come as a package - if she doesn't want you, she doesn't want your kids. Period.

Oh how I wish someone had told me this back in the day!

She will poison your kids against you. T-shirt

Oh gosh this has got me thinking about time DC spend with her... They don't have any other grandparents close by and she has always played a major role in their lives. She was an early years teacher so though I loathe to admit it is very good with them.

her ex takes the kids to see their grandmother. She can't stop that, so she'd have to box clever about it .... if there is evidence of problems. I'd be very suspicious and uneasy myself but in the end it might be ok.

If there is evidence of bad stuff going on, how do you stop it given she has only limited direct control? you'd need to be very clever.

sorry cross post, it took ages to show up.

If you do think there's the possibility of poisoning, then I'm afraid the best answer is moving ...... extremely difficult as it is :(

in fairness she's manipulated you and been utterly poisonous (do you know why? what her motivation is? there is always a reason, even if that reason is shit; finding it out can help you counteract it) but maybe when they are small she will not be too bad. But ... um, that's looking on the bright side.

Erm... poisonous people don't have a reason. They do it because they're poisonous. It has zero to do with the victim. Some people just really are, well, poisonous . Their stuff - but, sadly, they can be powerful.

So she's betrayed you, put you and your Dc at risk, grave risk, denied you ANY support, in fact stealing your abusive ex by means of supporting him over you.

You know she'll take your dc from you too, right?

End the contact. Today. For good.

Nice people don't do things like this.

Listen to what is being said here, I "know" a few here from stately homes and they indeed have the shirt ... Sadly

Thanks Hissy, but what's stately homes?

Calistar, I could have written your thread I left exH over two years ago now. There was no-one else involved, although I was accused because how could I walk away from my marriage just because I was unhappy, but that was the reason. We had been together and married for 7 years with to beautiful children. He worked days, me nights and we never saw each other, we just drifted apart but it was affecting DC horribly.

My whole family and majority of do called friends disowned me, and it was really hard and I was desperately lonely. BUT DC behaviour improved, DS started doing better at school and we got through it.

I have now moved on, have a lovely OH and we are expecting a baby in June. I have spent a year trying to rebuild a relationship with DM but she continues to put her relationship with exH first to the point I am now NC.

As for exH? He claims to miss the DC but through choice he sees them for three hours a week and contributes nothing financially, which yes I will be rectifying through the CMS shortly. It breaks my heart at his constant letting DC down, but I know I can only support them through the situation.

It's hard but my life is better. Do I miss my parents? Without a doubt, especially now I have another DC on the way, I miss the relationship a daughter should have with her mum, but I'll be ok, I know that xx

Stately Homes - there is a series of threads in relationships about toxic families (a drop in place, no invitation needed), they always have the words "Stately Homes" in the title. (I think its "but we took you to Stately Homes...").