Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disowned by family for leaving DH

67 replies

Calistar · 13/04/2015 09:25

DH and I were together for 9 years and have 2DC (7 & 10).

DH drank a lot, he had sought help for his alcohol problem but it continued to affect our lives. There was no intimacy in our marriage and DH was very hard on DD, which made things very difficult in our household at times.

Long story short, I met someone else, fell in love (nothing happened), my mother found out and told DH. DH hit me in a fit of rage, marriage ended.

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother (parents divorced), I tried to talk to her numerous times about how unhappy I was but she doesn't 'do' emotion.

Now my brother barely speaks to me, my mother told my very elderly Grandma who now wants nothing to do with me and my uncle and aunt don't speak to me.

My Dad has been great as have that side of the family.

Our DC are fine, we have worked hard to keep things running smoothly for them. DD is happier that the tensions & rows between her and DH have stopped.

I'm really struggling with everything at the moment. I feel massive guilt and struggle with losing half my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 10:22

No, she had an affair, and didn't tell her parents, no one in the family knows what she did to this day! She then proceeded to take my father for all he was worth, it was brutal.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 10:22

I don't know the woman but I do know that some people are actually jealous if the attention of others is turned away form them to someone else - even if that someone else is one of their children. I've seen situations where reliance on 'right-thinkingness' is turned to extremes in a sort of 'How could she do this to me of all people?' way. It gains the attention back.

Just a thought - because she sounds more concerned about herself than about her daughter.

MagentaOeuflon · 13/04/2015 10:22

Ah yes the suffering and stress caused to her by her family members not doing exactly what she wants, so that she gets loads of pity. Sounds v familiar OP. My mum's terrible health problems (that the GP can never find a cause for) wax and wane in direct proportion to how much success she's having controlling and belittling me and her other DC. (Or did, before I cut off contact with her. Now I don't have to listen to it and it's bliss.)

thewomaninwhitefluffybunnyears · 13/04/2015 10:22

Wow, op. I am sorry that your family have behaved so badly. You truly are better off without that negativity in your life although I appreciate that it does not feel that way right now. You don't need the drama. You have looked out for your DCs. that is what a mother should do. As you say, your DD is now much happier. That is a gift as another op has said.

I wish you and your DCs well for the future, you all deserve it. I would ignore the rest of the family. I agree that writing a letter is not a good idea. It will be twisted and interpreted in a different way in which you intended. Stay strong, you have been very strong already.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 10:23

She has told them all that we had a full blown affair, and that I then left DH for the OM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 10:25

All this happened about a year ago. I went for a while feeling bad, then feeling much better as my Dads side and my partners family have been so supportive. I am now feeling very down again.

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 13/04/2015 10:26

Did you have an emotional affair with this other guy, just didn't have sex? That was wrong in itself, if so, but your husband def shouldn't have hit you.

cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 10:26

You don't need her as part of your life, Calistar.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 10:27

Yes, we had an emotional affair, I know it was wrong.

OP posts:
TheLastMan · 13/04/2015 10:28

So she thinks you have done what she has done HmmHmm
and is then punishing you for what she did but you didn't do??

Maybe she DOES need to councelling because that is really a weird way of thinking!

TheLastMan · 13/04/2015 10:30

TBH, not everyone outside the MN sphere would see an emotional affair as a big issue.
Which is why your mum isn't saying you had an emotional affair but a full blown affair. She wouldn't get the same reaction from people.

Momagain1 · 13/04/2015 10:30

Can your father intervene withyour GM and DB, or has the family dynamic always been to follow your mother's lead? Can you ask DH to step back from them, as part of his being 'understanding throughout'? I understand he needs support, but he really should not be seeking it there. In myopinion, theonly conversationshehas with them should be ones in which he reminds them he was a crap husband and father and points out they have no real business being more bothered by your behaviour than him.

Sounds like you had best get on with your life and those who choose to be in it. Your mum wasnt much use anyway, I bet if this hadnt come up she would have eventually found some other reason to behave like a playground bully.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 10:36

My brother is very much a mummies boy and doesn't see much of my Dad. My grandmother is a very difficult person and has had nothing to do with my dad for 20 years!

OP posts:
base9 · 13/04/2015 10:37

Your own mum is spreading lies about you.to cut you off from other family members. You must see what a horrible person she is.

Meerka · 13/04/2015 10:53

I think it's worth writing that letter to your Grandma but it might be rejected. Also write it keeping it mind that your mother might read it and twist what you write, sadly.

It comes to something when your alcoholic ex who hit you, is more understanding than your family!! (the 'understanding' is genuine, right, and he's not manipulating? Just asking! If it's genuine he sounds troubled but frankly a lot lot nicer than your birth family).

Actually I think some questioning is not a bad idea, but from a neutral source. Your mother's done a very good job of seeing an unsatisfactory situation and making it a shitload worse. It hurts when you realise that your family is destructive :(

Your ex-friend should have known a lot better than to start spilling confidences.

Keep looking to your Dad and his side of the family, hug your daughter and keep your (good) friends close. It also sounds as if you might be able to be friends with your ex? though if he stays close to your mother's family you may not be able to trust him very much. It sounds like the sting of their behaviour is going to hurt longer than the bruises of his behaviour, really.

comeagainforbigfudge · 13/04/2015 11:02

Hmm I think you need to cut your losses with regards to you mum n brother.

Seems an awful mixed up world they've created for themselves.

Regardless if you had an emotional affair or not. Your mother has not supported you one iota, your ex has been an arse.

I reckon if you not already nc with them you should start cutting it down. Talk with your DD, (I can't remember if you said her age?) But see if she wants to have contact with that part of family. Then decide how to progress.

I would also investigate some kind of counselling FOR YOU if you've not done that yet. There are support groups out there for families of alcoholics, names have escaped me at the moment.

Also is it a year ago now that all this happened? If so, that might be why it's coming to your mind now. Plan a lovely day out with DD, park/picnic/seaside whatever funds allow. And just relish the "free from it all" day as it shall henceforth be known Wink

If all else fails Brew and Cake always help me

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 13:29

My mother still sees a lot of DC on ex DH's watch. My brother also sees DC via ex DH. DC adore my mother so I didn't want to make their lives anymore confusing by limiting access.

I actually spoke to her the other day wanting some answers. She says she has my DC's interests at heart, that they are her priority, not ex DH or myself. I asked if regretted telling my grandmother, she said no, she didn't feel she had a choice Hmm .... Nevermind the constant string of things I've been told to keep from her on my mothers behalf .....

OP posts:
whitsernam · 13/04/2015 13:31

When I got divorced, my parents did not speak to me for at least a year, which was very hard on me, but understandable: I left because H treated me much as Dad treated Mum, but she put up with it forever. So my behaviour caused them to look at their own relationship!! I think your Mum is behaving similarly. Stick to your guns. Ignore what she says/does; some people never do wake up to reality, and never own up to their own behaviour.

shovetheholly · 13/04/2015 13:43

Gosh, so many of us with similar stories. When I ended the relationship with exP, my family supported him over me, and complained that I was putting THEM through stress!

Some people are just really self-centred and will never put you first. I think this especially happens to those who are already scapegoats within the family. It hurts, but all you can do is to stick two fingers up at em and cheerfully get on with being happy in your own way, on your own terms. Sometimes, rather perversely, it is only when you let go and stop trying that they come running!

PeruvianFoodLover · 13/04/2015 13:44

calistar I no longer have contact with my parents in similar circumstances; my ex was EA and an addict, I left after I had an emotional affair and my mother was "in mourning" (her words) and sought support from, of all people, exH family. The divorce was messy, ex continued to be abusive and my parents validated, supported and justified his behaviour.

We have had no contact for several years - they still have contact with my DD via my ex, who they have remained in regular contact with (along with his DW). My ex has been present at every significant family occasion such as christenings and funerals. I attended, but have had no other contact with my parents.

It's hard at times, but when I look at the alternative - remaining in a EA marriage, beng significantly affected by ex's addictions, then I know it was definitely the right decision.

springydaffs · 13/04/2015 13:48

Bloody hell! You've had the toxic relations in your family cleared out in one stroke. Not bad!

I get it that it's painful but, honestly, this is for the best by a long shot. They're full of poison and you're better off without them. No wonder your husband was CRAP and your best friend was poisonous, it was all you knew about relationships.

Have you had any counselling? I'd recommend it. Long term, mind - or at least longer than the 6 weeks offered by NHS. Which you have to wait MANY months for (if you're lucky;longer if you're not...). 6;weeks may be helpful but perhaps get something private going to help you over this acute pain/injustice. If £ is an issue you can approach women's orgs but therapists often offer a sliding fee scale, just ask. Google BACP to see therapists in your area.

Therapy is an investment into your future. Sometimes it's essential to invest in it by putting other things on the back burner eg holidays etc.

springydaffs · 13/04/2015 13:53

My family took in my horrifically abusive exH like a long-lost son/brother when I left him. Hebwasbat family events, in wasn't invited.

VERY painful. But it was the heads up I needed about my family - who are no longer in my life, thank goodness. They have no interest in my wellbeing, only to pursue their toxic agenda.

Actually, I've had a lot of trouble with my kids as a result of my family poisoning them against me - so I'd watch out for that iiwy....

springydaffs · 13/04/2015 13:54

*he was at family events. I wasn't invited.

Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 13:58

Wow, so many similar stories, thought I was the only one!

I suppose I struggle with the fact there are two sides to every story, and they obviously feel they are justified. It makes me question myself. I need to stop this Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Calistar · 13/04/2015 14:00

Really appreciate all the support and the fact you're taking the time to share your toxic family tales with me btw

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread