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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm really worried about my OH

71 replies

whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 01:14

Well thats it really, his behaviour is so strange recently and his mood flips so quickly and dramatically it really freaks me out
For example as this has made me finally post after reading lots of other good advice on threads..
I have been trying to contact him all day but he hasnt answered and thats really unusual as he calls so many times a day! Finally got hold of him at midnight and he was slurring his speech and said sorry id been worried he had been getting drunk with his friend and hadnt heard phone. I just shrugged this off and asked if he was ok anyway and he said no hes all over the place atm he doesnt know what I see in him but he does love me he just thinks I could do better!
He was going on about how depressed he is and that his life is a joke/hes a burden etc etc, then he went quiet and I was left on the phone saying hello hello to try and get a response.

Once he broke the silence and started chatting again I said why are you so depressed talk to me and I will try and help....he said he isnt depressed hes fine/happy and what was I on about like he didnt remember saying it
Also the 1st half of the conversation he could barely string a sentence together he sounded so drunk then after he had gone quiet and come back ( about 30 secs ) he sounded sober/fine/normal
its all so strange, hes doing this ALOT atm too flitting between hes so fed up or depressed to like stupidly happy cracking stupid jokes and laughing his head off at himself.
I know we all have off days moody spells etc but I mean these dramatic mood changes are literally always in the space of a minute or so and then he turns back. Sometimes he can go from bouncing around singing to sounding suicidal and back 10 times in a conversation on the phone but seems to have no idea hes doing it or has changed?!?!
someone pls tell me I'm not going mad and this isnt right?
these mood swings are generally on the phone when I'm with him hes normally more middle ground, not happy not sad just in between but he does loose his rag over the slightest thing and often says things he doesnt remember saying?
any insight or anyone that has any experience of this would be really helpful
I'm not sure ill sleep tonight the whole thing has just weirded me out Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 01:15

sorry for the essay and if you have made it this far thank u

OP posts:
honeyroar · 13/04/2015 02:33

It sounds like he could be bi polar. Could you persuade him to go to the doctors (with you if possible)?

daisychain01 · 13/04/2015 03:51

I'm not sure if the behaviour described is bipolar, as it seems like his mood changes from one moment to the next. Bipolar tends to be mood swings of a more prolonged period, like days or weeks, where the person may have a manic high or depression during those spells of time.

It sounds like drug or alcohol abuse to me, certainly something to check out, as it is happening only when you are on the phone so you can't see him when he's acting strange.

Do you know where he is when he's making the phone Calls?

textfan · 13/04/2015 03:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 07:21

I thought it was too quick for bipolar, hes always at home when making the calls

OP posts:
Psipsina · 13/04/2015 07:25

I was about to suggest some kind of seizure/brain thing going on.

He needs to be seen and have an MRI. No, it's not normal and would be a cause for concern

Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 08:45

Ive spoken to him this morning and he seems fine again! he says he had a few pints last night in the pub which is a bit different to hammered on jim beam which he told me last night.
He says he doesnt remember saying he was depressed and hes not really it must of just been the drink talking last night.
He does this all the time tho....I used to think it was headgames towards me, now I'm not so sure...

OP posts:
mortil2 · 13/04/2015 08:50

Do you know if he takes any drugs? If the changes are so quick it is a possible cause

Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 09:22

I know he has the occasional joint...although not last night and not the last time he did this.
Hes quite honest about it so I know when he has and that just seems to make him silly/jokey rather than this up and down
I'm really worried, he says not to and hes fine dont be silly but he doesnt even remember half the stuff he was saying.

OP posts:
Psipsina · 13/04/2015 09:32

You're looking at roughly three options here. Either it's a pathological/mental illness cause, which wouldn't be his fault, and would warrant serious investigation (could even be a brain tumour) or possibly it's drug/alcohol related which would be his fault entirely, and deserves being dropped sharpish.

Or the last option is he is messing with your head which also requires you get rid of him.

Based on his normal behaviour - ie is he normally great or can he be abusive and cruel - which do you think is most likely? Because ruling out option A (physical/mental illness) means that you should definitely leave him to it.

Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 09:47

This is a recent thing the im so depressed and then fine the next minute, maybe the last 2/3 months
the rest of the time he's very unemotional at all like just ok not happy not sad and doesn't show his emotions or much emotion for me.
He was really soppy this morning on the phone which also never happens telling me how much he loves me etc

OP posts:
blue42 · 13/04/2015 09:55

Nobody here can diagnose what is wrong with him, but clearly he is a long way from fine, and he needs to see someone who can help.

Personally I would raise the subject with him face to face when he is on a reasonably even keel. Perhaps if you can present him with some evidence of his erratic behaviour it may also help to persuade him that he needs to get checked out.

NorbertDentressangle · 13/04/2015 10:01

My first thought was that it sounds drug related.

Do you know his friends, who he hangs around with? Do they use drugs? Has this group changed recently?

Have you noticed any changes in relation to finances? Does he have more/less money than usual? Does he take more cash out with him than he used to?

pocketsaviour · 13/04/2015 10:25

It definitely doesn't sound right, but if he hasn't shown any abusive behaviour in person. it sounds more like illness than anything else.

Although I did think "coke" when you were describing how he suddenly changed on the phone. Like he'd just done a bump. The comedowns on coke are awful and could definitely make him feel depressed. This could also cause him to lose his rag quickly which you said he does in person.*

Sometimes he can go from bouncing around singing to sounding suicidal and back 10 times in a conversation on the phone but seems to have no idea hes doing it or has changed

If you mean literally 10 times in one convo, that sounds really odd.

Would you consider using a call recorder on your phone (assuming you've a smartphone) to capture the calls and then play them back to him? Because I think he needs medical attention, either because there's something wrong in his brain chemistry or because he's sliding into an addiction of some sort.

*I don't have personal experience with coke but I had a friend/colleague who was quite a heavy user. I ended up dropping him because dealing with him when he was on a comedown was so unpleasant.

NaiceNickname · 13/04/2015 10:31

My first thought was cocaine too. The silence on the phone (possible covering mouthpiece whilst he did a line) and then BAM - he's back up again. Could be way off but that's my first thought. He sounds like hard work. No way could I deal with the constant changes in personality, you're fighting a losing battle until he recognises the issue, whatever it may be.

NaiceNickname · 13/04/2015 10:32

Also, cocaine has a habit of sobering you up very quickly if you've had too much to drink and could explain the slurring and then being absolutely fine after that brief silence.

Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 10:35

ok so maybe 10x is an exaggeration but not much....
I've seen him do coke once and was with him the next day and he wasnt like this at all, that was a one off as far as I know ( he used to yrs ago but not anymore) and was only because 1 of my friends was
I don't think he would take kindly to me recording him, he gets quite annoyed when I tell him how up and down he's been and seems not to remember what hes said. Plus in his happier/normal moments he won't even entertain the conversation and says he's fine don't worry and just brushes it under the carpet or says things like am I the weirdest person you have been out with? or he doesn't know what I see in him as he's weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 10:37

He will definitely ( if in that mood ) go back and forth to depressed then singing joking etc a few times during a conversation on the phone

OP posts:
Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 10:51

I really don't think its coke....I cant explain why I guess just knowing him I dont think it is.
which is even more worrying Sad

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Arriettyborrower · 13/04/2015 10:56

The fact that he is asking you is he the weirdest person you've been with and is he weird but refuses to acknowledge his behaviour when you want to talk about it suggests to me he knows exactly what he is doing.

Does nt sound good to me, I would definitely walk away - who needs that kind of head messing voluntarily in their life?

Psipsina · 13/04/2015 10:57

Please don't take this the wrong way OP but what exactly do you see in him/get out of the relationship?

He sounds really bloody odd tbh. He reminds me of a few teenage boys I sort of dated when I was about 15. Completely messed up, unpredictable, self obsessed and far too immature for a relationship.

(Is he 15?!)

Psipsina · 13/04/2015 10:58

I mean - why are you with him? He's patently unable to consider your feelings.

Original poster
whatthehell01 · 13/04/2015 11:08

No he's not 15 lol he's 35, he's always looking for reassurance do I love him? why do I love him? How much do I love him etc. Im not sure if he's insecure or its just an ego boost.
Next time he's over ( and a captive audience and can't say he's gotta go) I will have to tell him again I'm really worried about him and his mental state right now

OP posts:
Psipsina · 13/04/2015 11:12

Well do you? I cannot understand what you see in him. He sounds like a complete nightmare and I'd be running very fast in the other direction if anyone I dated started demanding that level of reassurance.

He sounds like a plonker. Sorry.

Psipsina · 13/04/2015 11:13

And it sounds like you barely know anything about him either. Sad

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