I'm really worried about my OH

[whatthehell01]

Well thats it really, his behaviour is so strange recently and his mood flips so quickly and dramatically it really freaks me out
For example as this has made me finally post after reading lots of other good advice on threads..
I have been trying to contact him all day but he hasnt answered and thats really unusual as he calls so many times a day! Finally got hold of him at midnight and he was slurring his speech and said sorry id been worried he had been getting drunk with his friend and hadnt heard phone. I just shrugged this off and asked if he was ok anyway and he said no hes all over the place atm he doesnt know what I see in him but he does love me he just thinks I could do better!
He was going on about how depressed he is and that his life is a joke/hes a burden etc etc, then he went quiet and I was left on the phone saying hello hello to try and get a response.

Once he broke the silence and started chatting again I said why are you so depressed talk to me and I will try and help....he said he isnt depressed hes fine/happy and what was I on about like he didnt remember saying it
Also the 1st half of the conversation he could barely string a sentence together he sounded so drunk then after he had gone quiet and come back ( about 30 secs ) he sounded sober/fine/normal
its all so strange, hes doing this ALOT atm too flitting between hes so fed up or depressed to like stupidly happy cracking stupid jokes and laughing his head off at himself.
I know we all have off days moody spells etc but I mean these dramatic mood changes are literally always in the space of a minute or so and then he turns back. Sometimes he can go from bouncing around singing to sounding suicidal and back 10 times in a conversation on the phone but seems to have no idea hes doing it or has changed?!?!
someone pls tell me I'm not going mad and this isnt right?
these mood swings are generally on the phone when I'm with him hes normally more middle ground, not happy not sad just in between but he does loose his rag over the slightest thing and often says things he doesnt remember saying?
any insight or anyone that has any experience of this would be really helpful
I'm not sure ill sleep tonight the whole thing has just weirded me out

Ho OP, writing things down helps put things in perspective sometimes!

Everyone is different and I don't think that anyone of us can truly say what's causing him to act this way. Depression or mental illness affects everyone individually so the way he is treating you doesn't mean he is or isn't depressed, however, you shouldn't have to feel like your relationship is an emotional roller-coaster.

As for the drugs I can't comment on how they are affecting him, I imagine you know more than us how much he likely does or doesn't do. That being said for him the occasional joint or pint might be a release, an escape. If things are chaotic at home this may be the case. I think that you need to decide if drug taking is a deal breaker for you.

I know you care greatly but there's not a lot you can do if he continues to bury his head in the sand, you can try and get him to see a doctor, you can try and talk to him face to face, but don't make it your mission to fix everything.

I know you mentioned he's 35 and I must admit reading your posts his behaviour doesn't seem very reflective of his age, I am concerned that if his life isn't very stable right now that relationships with loved ones are going to suffer. I know it's really hard but try and think about where you see this relationship going, and worst comes to worst it doesn't mean you can't be friends.

I'm sorry I don't have the answer. It's bloody hard isn't it sometimes! DO you have someone in real life you can talk to, friends or family? x

I will ask him straight out about the joint smoking and say I think it affects him more than he thinks it does although hes always happy on it but more about the after effects.
I really hope he isnt seeing someone else I do love him so much.
he just called said he's had a couple of hrs nap infront of the telly n feels a bit better now and that hes not down just tired! but then he makes comments like will I swap heads with him as his is pickled?? and then says hes only joking.
I dont think ill be able to get him to the docs tbh it takes so much convincing to get him to go for a physical illness he wont want to sit there and chat about his feelings as he totally closes up when I ask him and just says hes fine.
he was nice on the phone just then and is making dinner so says he will call back later but he just rang to say hi and that he was up again.

No I dont really have anyone in RL to discuss it with....

OP phone calls and cuddles are lovely, but what is it that makes him so special? I'm not saying you need to break up, but it's important to assess what you're getting from a relationship.

Is there are reason why you think he might be seeing someone else?

It really does sound like something isn't right for him right now, please note that doesn't mean he's necessarily cheating on you or that you've done anything wrong, maybe he's having issues at work, or just feeling about poo about life, it happens, you've noticed this behaviour over the last few months so I'm just looking for a possible trigger.

You're reading a lot into what he's saying, which I understand, but don't let what he says take over your thoughts too much, you'll drive yourself potty :-)

This may sound harsh but at some point he needs to take some of the responsibility for his health situation.

Please don't get into the mindset of rescuing him. I've seen a lot of that and all it does is sap the very life out of the person doing the rescuing while the other person seems to just be along for the ride. He does need to meet you half way eg making an appointment and going along to his GP. If he's too stubborn to do that he isn't making enough effort to warrant the love and care you are giving at.

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh. Only my FWIW opinion. X

At the moment that should say

I hope hes not seeing someone else and said that as pspina suggested he might be and thats the reason for his behaviour.
Just been on the phone to him for nearly 2 hrs, no I'm down or ott happy he just seemed normal and was a nice normal chat about anything and everything like we used to do every night.
Feel like I can go to sleep not worrying tonight but also that things can ( and often do ) change in a heartbeat with him so tomorrow may be another story.....fingers crossed though!
Also chatting tonight he was asking about me, my day, listening to my stories about work etc without talking over me with constant stuff about him which ive felt a bit hurt by the past few weeks.
In all it was a nice chat I told him I love him and im glad the nap has made him feel better and I'm here if he wants to chat if he does start feeling down he shouldn't feel embarrassed by it.
I hopw ive said the right thing I feel more at peace tonight hearing he sounds more at peace if that makes sense.

That's nice - leaning back towards the drug abuse now though after his 'pickled' comment, what does that even mean...it sounds like you don't understand a lot of what he says yet there you are 'loving' him whatever he does, unconditionally, like you're (sorry) his mum?

Relationships aren't supposed to be like this. You're supposed to support each other. It shouldn't all be (or 99%) one way. He knows he's confusing you but chooses not to explain anything or 'open up' - this is really, really unfair on you, and he knows it, and confusing you means he can take advantage of your not having a CLUE what is going on in his life.

Would you do that to him? Would you treat him like that? Really, would you? No. So what makes it Ok for him to treat YOU like this? It's pretty unkind of him. And he is choosing to do that to you, because he only really cares about himself, and you're just a useful back up when he wants someone to talk to.

In short, and I'll leave the thread after saying this as I don't think you want to hear it and I am sorry if it upsets you - but he seems to be using you big time. I'm really sorry, but there's no excuse for his behaviour.

From my limited and inexpert perspective, I can't for the life of me see WHY anybody would want a relationship with somebody like this. I have been married for 39 years and it works because I wouldn't dream of messing my wife about in the way you describe. And she wouldn't stand for it either! We are not superior beings, we are very much Mr and Mrs Average with children, domestic issues, financial issues etc, but most of all we are straight with each other. If you'll permit me to say it, your relationship has disaster written all over it. What would it take for you to see that?

thanks!
all I was saying was that I loved him and was worried about him thats all.
thank you the people trying to help

I am really trying so hard to help you. Honestly I am.

I think you want people to support you in staying with him, putting up with his behaviour, and trying to 'fix' him, and tbh I'm not comfortable doing that as it feels a bit like helping someone to walk under a bus.

I am so sorry, as I said I will leave you to it as I'm not able to do what you want.

Good luck

cocaine

Thank you for telling me what I want u to do which is totally incorrect but hey!
as previously stated I'm sure it not cocaine but thanks

What DO you want then? I am failing to understand.

OP wants us to go 'yeah sounds ok, you hang in there girl, gotta fight for love, blah blah'
Which as you said, is like encouraging someone to walk under the bus. But every time someone says leave him, it's building up her star crossed lovers, he's so special, I must save him narrative.

this is so ridiculous! none of you know me and I'm not sure how u have such firm ideas of what I am or arent thinking or what advice I'm hoping to get!
someone at work recommended this site as good advice but obviously it is a real mix of people trying to help and keyboard warriors/mind readers.
I think I may leave the thread myself and let you both tell the web what I think as you seem to know better than me!

What, posters are looking at this from a wider perspective - you have feelings for your OH, we don't, hence the 'this doesn't sound like a good relationship' posts. Strangers on the net can care for or feel concern for other strangers hence them wanting you to do the right thing for you IYSWIM.

You obviously haven't had a reply that helps with your problem but I don't think there is an easy, or any, answer if your OH won't admit he has a problem and won't seek help. What else can anyone suggest?

I'm not having a go at you at all but am concerned that you're not any further forward and are getting frustrated at that too.

ive had many replies that help....the ridiculous mind reader she wants us to say this or she thinks this dont!
thank you to all the posters who have tried to help I appreciate it.

things have been good today, hes coming over tomorrow and we are going to have a chat.
I wish I hadnt logged on today though

Hi OP, I hope you are not taking too much to heart some of the unkind comments on here. My feeling is that it is difficult for realistic advice to be offered to you without more information.

For instance, does he behave like this, ie rapid mood swings, in other contexts, with friends, family or work colleagues? What is his mental health history? What kind of family background does he come from, and are his family supportive? What do his family say about his behaviour, can you talk to them? Has he had a long term relationship/s before, and do you know why they broke up? Really so many other avenues to explore.

But I do agree with many posters, if at all posible try and persuade him to see a doctor. And yes, he may refuse to do so because he does not care about you, but more likely because he is frightened or in denial regarding his physical and/or mental health, just like many many other people, especially men. Any drink/drug taking may be his way of self medicating.

I wish you all the best as you sound really caring, and he does not come across, in my opinión, as an abusive guy.

"he looses his rag I mean he takes things I say the wrong way and slams phone down or wont speak to me sometimes if hes annoyed over something I said but I don't get the chance to explain thats not how I meant it"

He may not be deliberately trying to abuse her but there is definitely an imbalance here. If the OP is regularly left confused and anxious because of this mans behaviour (which he doesn't acknowledge and therefore won't address), then it is an abusive relationship. The OP is part of the abusive relationship and by absorbing his shit without consequence, she's contributing to the maintenance of the status quo.

If love was all it took to change people and situations, tumble weed would be blowing through the relationships board.