I'm really worried about my OH

[whatthehell01]

Well thats it really, his behaviour is so strange recently and his mood flips so quickly and dramatically it really freaks me out
For example as this has made me finally post after reading lots of other good advice on threads..
I have been trying to contact him all day but he hasnt answered and thats really unusual as he calls so many times a day! Finally got hold of him at midnight and he was slurring his speech and said sorry id been worried he had been getting drunk with his friend and hadnt heard phone. I just shrugged this off and asked if he was ok anyway and he said no hes all over the place atm he doesnt know what I see in him but he does love me he just thinks I could do better!
He was going on about how depressed he is and that his life is a joke/hes a burden etc etc, then he went quiet and I was left on the phone saying hello hello to try and get a response.

Once he broke the silence and started chatting again I said why are you so depressed talk to me and I will try and help....he said he isnt depressed hes fine/happy and what was I on about like he didnt remember saying it
Also the 1st half of the conversation he could barely string a sentence together he sounded so drunk then after he had gone quiet and come back ( about 30 secs ) he sounded sober/fine/normal
its all so strange, hes doing this ALOT atm too flitting between hes so fed up or depressed to like stupidly happy cracking stupid jokes and laughing his head off at himself.
I know we all have off days moody spells etc but I mean these dramatic mood changes are literally always in the space of a minute or so and then he turns back. Sometimes he can go from bouncing around singing to sounding suicidal and back 10 times in a conversation on the phone but seems to have no idea hes doing it or has changed?!?!
someone pls tell me I'm not going mad and this isnt right?
these mood swings are generally on the phone when I'm with him hes normally more middle ground, not happy not sad just in between but he does loose his rag over the slightest thing and often says things he doesnt remember saying?
any insight or anyone that has any experience of this would be really helpful
I'm not sure ill sleep tonight the whole thing has just weirded me out

I do love him yes alot

Well he's clearly lying about something. The question is what?

Affair, gambling, drugs, psychopath?

It does sound exactly like drugs though.

he does loose his rag over the slightest thing How often does this happen?

I don't want to surmise on a cause but he definitely needs to see someone who can get to the bottom of it and treat it fast. Sounds like a tough place for you both. My best wishes for a positive, speedy outcome.

How long have you been with him? Do you live together?

we dont live together and have been together nearly 2 years.
when I say he looses his rag I mean he takes things I say the wrong way and slams phone down or wont speak to me sometimes if hes annoyed over something I said but I don't get the chance to explain thats not how I meant it

OP your last post is worrying, he sounds needy, immature. And manipulative.

You can not diagnose him but you should tell him that you're concerned and his erratic behaviour makes you very uncomfortable. It's up to him if he gets it investigated, as it is up to you, how much of his erratic and manipulative behaviour you continue to expose yourself to.

You can not fix!

I just want to help him if he is actually feeling down or if theres something that's not his fault wrong....I love him so hate hearing him say he feels all over the place

So you have to tiptoe around him on eggshells waiting for the next tantrum, kind of?

I'm so sorry for you - what is it that has made you think this is an acceptable way to be treated by a bloke?

he takes things I say the wrong way and slams phone down or wont speak to me sometimes if hes annoyed over something I said

This makes me swing back the other way and start to suspect he's playing games.

I would give him one chance to get himself to the doctor, if he doesn't go then I'd bin him. Sounds harsh but you weren't put on this planet to solve his (or anyones) problems.

If he's depressed he needs to visit his GP, whatever is going on with him might not be his fault but getting it investigated is his responsibility.

Why was it acceptable for him to slam down the phone on you? Why is it your responsibility to absorb his bullshit? Your contribution to this unhealthy unhealthy dynamic is taking his crap.

Being someone's emotional punchbag isn't a display of love but a demonstration of low self worth. You deserve better OP and only you can demand it.

Hi OP, hope you are OK.

My partner suffers from mental health issues, namely depression, and your post resonated with me. It has taken 18 months for my partner to tell me how he is feeling, which he did when drunk, and displays a lot of the behaviors of your partner.

He was going on about how depressed he is and that his life is a joke/hes a burden etc etc, then he went quiet and I was left on the phone saying hello hello to try and get a response...Once he broke the silence and started chatting again I said why are you so depressed talk to me and I will try and help....he said he isnt depressed hes fine/happy and what was I on about like he didnt remember saying it

My partner does this a lot. He finds it incredibly hard to admit that anything is wrong because that makes everything 'real' if that makes sense. Based on my own personal experience I wouldn't say it's drugs or manipulative behavior, but I think he might be really struggling.

I would suggest trying to get him to see a doctor. If he is suffering with his mental health he will likely find it really hard to talk to anyone about it but it's important he does. Do you have any mutual friends or family you can talk with? See if they have noticed anything?

Do you live together? Do you know how he manages day to day, does he work and is he able to 'manage i.e cook, clean, look after himself. Also how much and often is he drinking?

hi cheeseandwine thank you for your insight
he seems to struggle with alot atm but wont admit it his lifes very chaotic/no routine etc but there's no real reason it is like that ive always thought he just was a bit cant be arsed blokey about it all but now I'm not so sure.
he does work fulk time yes but needs me to remind him of things constantlt hes so disorganized and lives life on a minute by minute basis rather than planning anything

Hi OP,

If his life is chaotic I'm sure that isn't helping how he's feeling. He might be feeling useless because he's dug himself into a hole, could there be anything that is possible underlying the chaos? Money? Work?

It sounds like there's something going on he isn't telling you. It could be that he's struggling with his mental health, or any other aspect of his life. Or he could just be a bit of a knob! None of us here can make that conclusion and unfortunately it's down to him to open up with you about how he feels.

My best advice would be to try and talk with him about your concerns. Maybe go somewhere neutral like a quiet cafe or pub. You can't force him to tell you how he feels but it seems like you want to have a conversation with him about what's going on. I find the mind website really helpful sometimes if I'm concerned about someones mental health.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/how-can-friends-and-family-help/#.VSvM1pNU7IU

Can I ask how long you've been together?

Mmm, an 80-year-old friend of mine had a stroke that had only affected the part of the brain that governed emotions. She was in a bad way in the hospital for some time, but when she was in the process of recovery, she would go from crying to laughing in one minute. Everything affected her tremendously. I am no doctor, so just saying that it sounds like he needs to go to the doctor.

This is so hard I've spoken to him a couple of times during the day and he was all bouncy happy telling me how much he loves me etc and hes staying in tonight so we can have a nice chat.
we normally call on way home from work which I did but he didnt answer so tried again a bit later still no answer. Hes just called for literally 30 seconds saying hes tired and going to bed will call later. I said he sounds down again and whats up, I tried to call etc but he just says hes fine and didnt answer as was chilling!
He sounded in this conversation right back down again didnt want to talk and couldnt get me off the phone quick enough.
I'm worried about him and its hurting me so much the way he acts I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster never knowing what mood hes going to be in, feeling happy when hes saying loving stuff on the phone only to get my hopes dashed later when he goes bk to ignoring me or calls to say hes not in the mood for talking.
what shall I do please ladies apart from just dump him I cant do that its not that simple

Hi OP,

You can't make him talk, and it's not your fault he's acting how he is - whatever the reason. I know it's hard because you love him and you're a mixture of worried and frustrated as to what's going on!

Leave him be for now. If you are worried about him and that he's in danger then call the police, although it sounds like he just wants a bit of space tonight, so if I were you I'd leave him be. He probably can sense in your voice that you want to have a chat, I'd really focus on doing that face to face if you can.

His behaviour (whatever the reason) right now is not conductive to a healthy relationship and I know that just leaving him isn't that easy. Are you concerned about what he's do if you left? Aside from his behaviour what is your gut feeling about the relationship? Are you happy? Do you know why you love him? (sorry for all q's, just trying to get a basic understanding of the dynamics, you don't have to answer if you don't want).

As I say, leave him be for now. Again, how he is acting is not your fault and please don't beat yourself up about it. You're clearly a very loving partner who cares deeply for him, and I understand how horrible it can be when you don't know what to expect from one moment to the next.

You will need to assess what you want from this relationship at some point, and if he is ill if you can help him through (it's not easy) but for now I think you should do something for yourself tonight, have a bath, glass of wine, or whatever makes you feel nice. x

I'd make it really clear next time you talk that this situation is unsustainable. You love him and want to help him but he has an obligation to think about your feelings too. So spell out what you want to happen next and your role in it. Eg " I want you to go to a doctor .Ill go with you" or " I want you to lay off the joints for a while and we'll see if that makes you feel any better etc. " iIf he refuses to do any of these things give him a specific timescale to take alternative action eg counselling etc. but say up front now that at the end of that time if he hasn't done anything and nothing has changed you will end the relationship.And stick to it. It's hard I know but it's got to be better than this?!

Cheeseandwinegirl - great posts, deserve a thumbs up

Oh why bother? You don't owe him anything and you've not mentioned any joint assets or children.
Move on and up.

Cocaine is my first thought. The way he was drunk one minute and then apparently sober the next. Sounds like he had 'a straightener' while he was talking to you.

The mood swings as well. It all screams coke I'm afraid.

hi thank you cheeseandwine for another lovely reply it really helps being able to talk it through, thanks to everyone else too.
I will just leave him for tonight Im not worried he will do anything stupid just frustrated at this rollercoaster he puts me on and his apparent lack of any aknowledgement of my feelings....is this common with someone whos depressed being so selfish and uncaring back?
He really gets my hopes up with the lovey dovey stuff and cant wait to chat later etc and so then I'm gutted when I speak to him and he says he doesnt want to talk speak to you tomorrow.
I think the cannabis thing may contribute to this although I know he wont hear of that as hes all its safer than alcohol yet that's legal and this isnt about it. On a few occasions recently hes turned up stoned and said he isnt but I'm not daft I can smell it and know how it makes him act. Hes all over me and kind when hes like that though not this moody unpredictable person.
I'm not sure he will ever agree theres something not right with his moods as hes very bury his head in the sand about alot of things

I would say his behaviour is drug related. Most likely fit is cocaine, crack, or possibly some kind amphetamine from your description.

I doubt its a stroke, or any mental illness as he only behaves irratically when he is not with you (on the phone, as you told us) and that really makes no sense. If it was mental illness alone he would be unable to control his emotional state around you.

Can you just ask him straight out about drug use? I don't think you should just give up on someone because they have a problem, but you can't be in a relationship where you are being blocked out and lied to.

Sweetheart has it occurred to you that there could be someone else on the scene?

As in, he's planning to come over to yours or be around for a phone call or whichever it was - then suddenly he isn't available after all? Maybe he had a better offer as it were? Which could mean he just wanted to get high, or he has someone else.

Hope it isn't this but worth considering.

just frustrated at this rollercoaster he puts me on and his apparent lack of any acknowledgement of my feelings....is this common with someone who's depressed being so selfish and uncaring back? No, it's not.

Not in my experience anyway. I've only experienced this sort of flakiness from friends who were using drugs (or immature 15yo boys who said I was nice as a person but they wanted to date someone with bigger tits - particularly charming example!)

In fact it is extremely reminiscent of a girl friend I had who smoked so much weed that she had to be admitted to a mental hospital with psychosis.