Is this financial abuse?

[TessDurbeyfield1]

I have posted before about possible EA in my marriage. A few days ago my DH and I argued and he made a comment about 'affording my lifestyle'... what does he mean?
-I don't drink
-I don't smoke
-I don't have a cleaner/gardener/ any paid help
-My clothes come from ebay or end of season sales
-I don't go to the cinema unless it's to see a film with my children
-We have had one 'expensive' holiday i.e staying in a hotel in 17 years of marriage
-Our normal holidays are on a shoestring (camping, but no eating out)
-we eat out once a year on my birthday
-I attend 2 classes a week (amounting to £10) for my hobbies, but they only run during term time.
-My only socialising is meeting friends for coffee
I have 3 children and gave up my professional job to look after them. I have really struggled to get back into the work place, but now have a part-time job which brings in between £500-£1000 per month. DH earns almost 70k

I would love to hear your opinions - am I being selfish?

Did you not ask him what he meant?

Do you have to buy secondhand clothes and go camping, or is that something you prefer to do?

Tess

What keeps you still with this man?.

You have written about him at length before and sadly nothing has changed. I would say your H is still abusing you and by turn your children financially as well.

Your children are learning from you two about relationships; what are they learning here. A downtrodden wife and an abusive husband will not give them a good childhood.

Do you have access to the money he earns? Or is he sitting on his wages and expecting you to pay for 50% or more from your salary towards bills etc

Do you have joint account, equal spending money and equal access to all income? The equal spending money bit is the main way to work out whether there is financial abuse.

I struggle to see how he can't afford those outgoings on £70 so, unless you have demanded to (a) live in Belgravia (b) send your children to boarding schools (c) have a new Jag every year, his comment seems histrionic. To be abusive, wouldn't he have to be limiting the money he "gives" you and/or wanting you to account for every penny? Obvious question, but why are you with him if he is emotionally abusive?

Jeez. He ought to live with me then. We have a joint account, DH earns approx 30% more than me. I have a bottle or 2 of wine a week, a gym membership, am always buying clothes/shoes/make up. I regularly have coffee/lunch out with friends & make sure that we eat out as a family at least every 4-6 weeks. It's called having a life! Unless you are in shed loads of debt, then I can see his point. Otherwise, he sounds selfish, controlling & miserly. I could not live like that.

Thanks so much for all your responses

Honey - When I told him I didn't feel I had a 'lifestyle' as such, he got really defensive and said 'Oh, so you're saying I'm a poor provider them'

Attila- DH recently got his 'dream job' and I thought that an escape from the stress he was under might change his behaviour towards me.

fairy - yes, we have a joint account, we have paid off our mortgage and have in excess of of £170k in savings. strangely, most of these accounts are in my name (I don't pay tax) but he gets really cross if I ever mention spending some of the money on something that might somehow benefit me or my life - he says we need this money for our future financial security

lala and pippin - I am in the process of trying to untangle myself from him. I'm desperately trying to find a full time job and am taking copies of all our financial documents

Shatners - that's a good question and this is why I'm not sure if it's abuse or not. He has never said 'you must buy cheap clothes' but I always do because deep down I don't feel as though I deserve to spend money on myself. I'm not sure if he has instilled that in me, or whether it's a result of my childhood

Sounds like he is money obsessed tbh.

Does he spend money on himself?

Tess

re your comment:-
"Attila- DH recently got his 'dream job' and I thought that an escape from the stress he was under might change his behaviour towards me".

No, and that is because he is at heart abusive. Again like many abusive men he is a master manipulator who ties their victim up in knots. Your children are also being abused by him as well, decent kind men do not treat their wife with such levels of disdain.

He actively enjoys seeing your discomfort and writhing about like a fish on a hook. Your own childhood with abusive parents set you up good and proper to meet someone like this person and he also targeted you.

I would suggest calling Womens Aid again because you really cannot go on like this. There is NO good reason to stay with him at all. Finding a job will take time, you need a proper exit plan in place now.

£70k plus and mortgage free, and you have to live so very carefully?

Oh, so you're saying I'm a poor provider then
Err, YES, in short. It would be nice to say it to his face.

But there would be no point. I saw your other thread: he is an abuser, who lives in his own selfish world, with his own completely dysfunctional reasoning. You cannot reason with such an individual, or expect to make sense of their pronouncements.

It's great that you have employment, OP. Now is a good time to contact women's Aid, and get some support to help you leave the relationship.

Thanks for all your comments. I feel ashamed that I am still in this position with him. I think what I find most upsetting is that he doesn't mind spending money on our children, he is quite generous when it comes to them. The issue always seems to be. I cried at the weekend after his brother and wife visited; they have four children and aren't in the same comfortable financial position that we're in, and yet their life is packed full of doing fun things together. His brother's wife does not work, but is completely respected for all the work she does in the house, with the kids and for the fact that she gave up her career to look after them all.
I feel that I can never do right for wrong - when I was first pregnant he told me I could give up work to be a SAHM (I was delighted since I'd been unhappy in the place that I worked), however as soon as I gave up he was horrible to me - really disrespectful. Life then became very busy, we moved house to a new area and he took a new job which involved him being away from home, so it would have been impossible for me to have worked. Many years ago he turned to me one evening, his face contorted with anger and said 'You're going to have to get a job' almost as if he thought I'd been sat twiddling my thumbs for the past decade. But by now, my skills and CV were totally out of date. I have worked so hard to make myself 'employable', but whenever I ask him to read through a job application, he shows no interest at all. Attila, your analogy of me being a fish squirming on a hook is absolutely spot on.
Strangely, he doesn't spend a huge amount of money on himself. He has no friends and hates clothes shopping. However, last year he arranged to go on a sporting holiday for a week without me, and he has done the same for this summer.

Oh tess, that sounds dreadful. What are your options?

The "he will change towards me because he now has his dream job" is a misnomer/red herring.

He will treat you like shit no matter the job, or a bigger house, new car, more holidays, more or less stress at work.

Don't feel ashamed. It takes a while to get your head round it. You would be 1,000 times happier without him draining your energy. You would find you have TIME, glorious time, to do what YOU want, not spending hours/days/weeks wracking your brain trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to avoid it next time. Which will never work, there will always be a next time. Always! Guaranteed.

I desperately want to build a life without him now. My self esteem is in tatters, but at least I have a part-time job which I love. Unfortunately, doesn't provide enough income to live on, so I'm continuing to apply for jobs but I never make it to the shortlist.

Good news is you will be financially secure if you divorce him.

A solicitor will advise what percentage you are likely to get if you divorce especially as you gave up your career but even half a paid off house plus half the savings would hopefully mean you can buy a place cash. (Assuming you are not in London!).

Get together all savings docs, wage slips, his pension docs, p60, payslips or contract if possible evidencing your salary pre kids and his too if possible. Share save schemes. Bonds. Pension from previous job. Private pensions. Stakeholder pension statements. Then pay to see a solicitor. Go onto a benefits calculator. Bet you find you are better off without him!

Why do you stay with him?

What a nasty, nasty man.

When you leave he will have to help provide financially both for you and the dc - I think you would be entitled to spousal maintenance.

Remember you'd be entitled to WTC & child benefit & maintenance not just your wages!!! Yes the dc lifestyle would be different perhaps but anything is better than living with that nasty man & your dc seeing that is what marriage is.

You're in a good position financially to divorce OP. You'd be due half the value of the house and half the value of the savings. Your income is not the whole picture.

Tess,

If anyone should feel ashamed here it is he and he alone. Woowoo is right; he will continue to treat you like shit even if he won the lottery and did not have to work for the rest of his days.

He has and continues to be abusive towards you and your children will pick up on it as well. They see all too clearly how badly you are treated by this man and learn from this example of a marriage.

I asked you what keeps you still with this man, your silence speaks volumes. I do not think you could answer that question and perhaps had never thought about it either.

He gets what he wants out of this along with having you to use as and when he sees fit. He actively enjoys playing you like a fish on a line. Again he has arranged to go on a sporting break without you and the children; its all about his needs and wants. That is all that matters to him.

There's good reason as well he has no friends; such people like your H do not want them.

Xpost - you're in a much better position than many women OP, so it's really down to you gathering the strength to make the move.

Cross posted. Go onto entitled to.co.uk

Use your net profit if self employed. See what you would get.

Go onto right move, what could you buy to live in assume worst case half of everything (don't forget the extras above).

Assume no maintenance but check what Csa you could get.

Cover your tracks.

Write down what bills you would have, honestly I bet you'd be fine.

Do your kids go to private school?

Tess, in some ways mine was similar and I am certainly not badly off now.

My STBX wasn't like yours with the stinginess - mine would be generous then attack me for it; I was 'spoilt' and 'indulged' and it was horrible.

Anyway, when I got him out I was surprised eventually at how much I got.

Use your desperation to build a new life without him and channel that energy into divorcing this man.

Seek out the help too of Womens Aid and seek legal advice asap. Knowledge is power!!.

He will most certainly make the process of divorce as hard as possible (because such men like this man do not let go of their victims easily) but a life without him in it day to day free from his abuse will be worth every penny spent.

OP have you been able to confide in anyone in RL?