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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this financial abuse?

61 replies

TessDurbeyfield1 · 12/04/2015 14:38

I have posted before about possible EA in my marriage. A few days ago my DH and I argued and he made a comment about 'affording my lifestyle'... what does he mean?
-I don't drink
-I don't smoke
-I don't have a cleaner/gardener/ any paid help
-My clothes come from ebay or end of season sales
-I don't go to the cinema unless it's to see a film with my children
-We have had one 'expensive' holiday i.e staying in a hotel in 17 years of marriage
-Our normal holidays are on a shoestring (camping, but no eating out)
-we eat out once a year on my birthday
-I attend 2 classes a week (amounting to £10) for my hobbies, but they only run during term time.
-My only socialising is meeting friends for coffee
I have 3 children and gave up my professional job to look after them. I have really struggled to get back into the work place, but now have a part-time job which brings in between £500-£1000 per month. DH earns almost 70k

I would love to hear your opinions - am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 12/04/2015 17:45

Thankyou for all your kind words of support.
I feel sick at the thought of breaking up our family, but I know this isn't a normal relationship. This is going to sound crazy, but I actually wish he would go out and have an affair! Then it would be clear to everyone that he was in the wrong. I did check his I-pad today while he was out and noticed there were Google searches on the names of a few women that he used to work with. The situation at the moment is completely hidden, no one ever discusses the details of their finances, so I have nothing/ no one to compare myself to.
Thank you for the detailed post about what evidence to collect - that is so helpful to me.

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Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 12/04/2015 17:54

Attila, that is what I am most afraid of. I have talked about divorce before, but when he realises it really is going to happen I dread to think about how he will retaliate. My children are 16,14 and 8 years. I think the 2 eldest may want to stay with him as they are completely manipulated by him.
I suspect his feelings of resentment towards me stem from his parents. They hate absolutely everyone and have said some dreadful things about their other daughter and son in law in my presence. I can only assume that they say similar things about me when I'm not there.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 12/04/2015 17:58

You could walk out tomorrow once you've rinsed the savings accounts. Most of them are in your sole name, after all. Buy a small property for cash and have the balance of savings to get by until your employment prospects improve. It would cost him a fortune and take a month of Sundays to recover what you've taken and then you'd still be entitled to half of the equity in the family home and child-support. Maybe even spousal-support as you've sacrificed your own earning-potential by supporting your husband in his career by taking responsibility for after your children.

Even if you don't chose to do the above you can play it over in your head at the worst moments.

Don't forget that even if your income is low, your entitlement to benefits won't be affected by whatever child-support you receive from him as they are not taken into account when calculating them.

Start making plans and getting all the physical documentation together. Have them stored outside the home where he can't find it.

You could be free of him quite easily if you have a mind to. All you need is the will to go ahead with it.

Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 12/04/2015 18:00

No, WooWoo, I have only revealed a few small things about my marriage to a couple of friends; I suppose this is because I'm always hoping that things will suddenly become better and then I can brush all these things under the carpet and forget any of it happened.
I fear that people will be absolutely astounded when they hear that I'm to divorce him, he is always so pleasant to other people.

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chocolatespiders · 12/04/2015 18:03

You would get working tax credit if you have a low income and are on your own with the children. Although the savings may stop this but I am not sure.
Stay strong and make a get away plan

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 18:03

Tess, I can't promise it will be fine, but if it helps, I was terrified people would see me as the unreasonable one, and they haven't at all and that's without going into any detail whatsoever.

Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 12/04/2015 18:07

Thanks bitter. It did make me feel empowered reading your post. You are right - I could clear out all our accounts, My only reservation is that I might look like the selfish money-grabbing one - it would play right into his hands and make him appear the victim.

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AlternativeTentacles · 12/04/2015 18:08

You could walk out today, rent somewhere [stay in a hotel for the time being or with friends/family] with the money from your savings and start divorce proceedings tomorrow.

Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 12/04/2015 18:11

Marmalade - I'm sorry you had an unhappy marriage too. Interestingly, whenever I do buy something like a pair of sunglasses for example, my eldest daughter makes little comments like 'I thought you've already got a pair - why do you need another?' Like you, it makes me feel guilty, as though I'm selfish and self- indulgent - I wonder if she has picked up this habit from him

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Crossfitmyarse · 12/04/2015 18:12

If you live as you say you do then he is being a total arse.

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 18:14

That must be horrible! Like you're being attacked from all sides.

I know why posters are telling you to leave now, but I can also understand wanting to take some time about it. X

AltheaVestrit · 12/04/2015 18:15

You say you have £170k in savings mostly in your name?

I wonder how much there is in his name only? Can you have a snoop and see if there's anything else that aught to go in the marital pot?

woowoo22 · 12/04/2015 18:53

Opening up to someone you trust might help a wee bit. Helps as a reality check for "is this normal" when he does stuff and your brain tries and tries to process it and understand it/make excuses. That's what my brain did anyway. Needed a voice of reason to say hold on, this is bonkers/horrible/wrong. Now I look back and wonder what was I thinking.

Your DC might be in the trap of keeping him in a good mood by doing x, y, z and not doing 1, 2 and 3. It is very hard when there are DC involved.

Totally, totally different but my toddler DC changed personality within weeks if not days of ex h leaving. He is a happy, chatty, smiley, friendly wee dude now. He really wasn't when ex h was making our lives miserable.

Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 12/04/2015 19:16

Thank you for your lovely words of support everyone.
I have to go out now, but will post more tomorrow

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Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 13/04/2015 14:06

Thanks again for everyone's kind responses.

I have just e-mailed a lady I have met before from Women's Aid. We spoke about a year ago about the disrespectful way I felt I was being treated by my DH.

I'm still not sure if I have the emotional strength to go through with a divorce, once he realises that's what I plan to do, all hell will let loose. It will break the children's hearts, as they don't seem to have the ability to step back and judge his behaviour - they just accept it. I have been careful never to say anything negative about my husband's family, despite them treating me in the most appalling way, because I don't want to plant seeds of bitterness and resentment in the children. I would dearly love to tell them about the things they did/said to me, but they have been so kind to the kids, I'm not sure they would even believe me now.

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pocketsaviour · 13/04/2015 14:55

they don't seem to have the ability to step back and judge his behaviour - they just accept it.

Of course they don't - you've been leading by example for their whole lives, after all, and accepting his behaviour. They've been given the message their whole lives so far that "It's okay for a husband to treat his wife as an indentured servant."

Have you got enough in those savings accounts to put down 12 months' rent on a decent-ish house convenient for schools? Because from what you describe, I'd want to have all my ducks in a row before telling a H like yours I wanted out.

Twinklestein · 13/04/2015 15:55

Of course you have the strength OP. You need to do this for your kids as much as for yourself.

The don't have the ability to step back and judge his behaviour because by your acceptance of it they believe it's normal. They need to learn it's not ok now, before the boys turn into him and the girls repeat end up with someone like him.

At some point in their lives their children will realise your husband is abusive, the longer you leave it the greater damage it will do, and the more bitterness it will cause in the long run.

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/04/2015 16:17

Divorce seems like a huge and complicated thing - until you start doing it. Then you realise it is a step by step process, that does have an end. Yes, it is stressful, but doable - especially with the help of MN.

Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 13/04/2015 16:34

Yes - you are all so right with your advice. Unfortunately, my very earliest memory as a little girl was witnessing the most horrific fight between my parents, and since then I have absolutely avoided any sort of conflict. Ironically, my parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this year and seem really happy together. I have misguidedly tried to shield my children from witnessing anything like that, but in the process I have completely lost who I am and have become completely subservient.

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Coyoacan · 13/04/2015 16:53

I suggest you talk to your children about certain things in an age appropriate fashion. It would be totally wrong to lean on them emotionally or to ask them to take sides, as I am sure you well know, but two of your children are fast approaching adulthood and need to learn about adult relationships too.

cosytoaster · 13/04/2015 17:05

Sorry OP - I'm a single parent living on a fraction of your household income but your 'lifestyle' sounds like a miserable, joyless existence to me. Bitter offers good advice. Good luck!

Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 13/04/2015 18:08

Thanks for your responses all.
Yes, my existence does seem 'joyless' despite being comfortably off on paper. My DH is always going on about our future and how hard up we will be. I can't help but think that if we will be poverty line, what will become of the millions of people who don't have the sort of savings that we've accrued. I have moments of anger when I think about all those savings, and how we have only managed to build up so much by deliberately denying ourselves the normal things that other people enjoy.

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Twinklestein · 13/04/2015 18:55

On the plus side everything that you have denied yourself contributes the fund for your new life...

trackrBird · 13/04/2015 19:03

Make sure you have somewhere safe to go before he learns anything about your intention to split.
Please take WA advice on handling that moment, when it comes.
Glad you have contacted WA now, hope you have a response soon.

Original poster
TessDurbeyfield1 · 13/04/2015 19:47

I'm in tears now reading all the kind words of support, but I'm not sure I can go through with it. I've just put my youngest daughter to bed and I just keep thinking, as she cuddled me good night, that she doesn't deserve to go through the pain and trauma of a divorce. She is so sweet and loving. I'm ashamed to admit that I knew on the day we got married that I had made a huge mistake, but I was too weak to call it off - I made my bed and will just have to lie in it.

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