Is this financial abuse?

[TessDurbeyfield1]

I have posted before about possible EA in my marriage. A few days ago my DH and I argued and he made a comment about 'affording my lifestyle'... what does he mean?
-I don't drink
-I don't smoke
-I don't have a cleaner/gardener/ any paid help
-My clothes come from ebay or end of season sales
-I don't go to the cinema unless it's to see a film with my children
-We have had one 'expensive' holiday i.e staying in a hotel in 17 years of marriage
-Our normal holidays are on a shoestring (camping, but no eating out)
-we eat out once a year on my birthday
-I attend 2 classes a week (amounting to £10) for my hobbies, but they only run during term time.
-My only socialising is meeting friends for coffee
I have 3 children and gave up my professional job to look after them. I have really struggled to get back into the work place, but now have a part-time job which brings in between £500-£1000 per month. DH earns almost 70k

I would love to hear your opinions - am I being selfish?

she doesn't deserve to go through the pain and trauma of a divorce

No child deserves to go through the pain and trauma of a divorce. But what about the pain and trauma of an abusive parent?

No child deserves to grow up around an abusive relationship: it's deeply damaging. You're catastrophizing the divorce process to justify inaction.

I would much rather have divorced parents and live with a lovely mum away from an abusive father, than have to grow up witnessing a dysfunctional relationship. I would hate to see my mother treated like shit, to internalise the her subordination, only to grow up to repeat her pattern.

If you make a bed that you can't sleep in you get up and remake it. Who the fuck stays in a bed with knotted sheets? Only a masochist.

But if you like - your children are your bed - you made them - and now you have to do right by them as their mother. You have to protect them from the damage of an abusive dynamic and create a safe environment for them to grow up.

Do your kids walk on eggshells around him OP?

My DM knew her marriage was a mistake when she got married (but was escaping a strange mother, and was v young) DF then turned out to be miserly, despite being far from poor (as I found out later). I was v aware of how miserable she was, I was too for that matter. One room of our tiny house was always out of commission while he did it up himself, slowly, surely and cheaply. My DM waited till both DB and I were up and married, and after well over 30 years of marriage, left at age 55.

Well, I have benefited from some of DF's money - and so did my cocklodging Ex, who would hardly work, but was also mean and thought it was good that he never bought any new clothes, holidays, anything much except sound systems and computers. Took me till age 59 to divorce him, kids were young adults. I had enough to support us frugally and not penny-pinch if say, we needed a new hoover, and even to spend on the occasional luxury, but he never wanted to do anything, so I did things on my own.

I managed to have happy times in my marriage, but none of them featured Ex, really. Kids are young adults and fine, and working (but I kept up the fiction that their father worked on a regular basis). So it is possible to struggle on till kids are grown, but I'm not sure that's what I would advise my younger self, really.

Once you take the first step, everything falls into place.

The fact that you have posted to say how unhappy you are says it all.
Are you going to still be miserable in ten years, and still seeking help.
You take the first step and WA will help you.
Please help yourself.

I'm a chronic conflict-avoider, too, and was rather a doormat in my marriage (one that STBXH was all too happy to wipe his feet on). I, too, realised on some level that I was making a mistake before the wedding, but was too weak to break it off.

Fast forward ten years and my life was joyless and my self-esteem lower than when I got married.

When I told the DCs that we were separating, it was the hardest moment of my life. They cried, they wailed, it was dreadful.

Fast forward again to now, two years later. They are happy, growing in confidence, doing well in school, and I believe they are better off for having regular time away from their (narcissistic, manipulative but charming) father.

I have never looked back. I am so much more confident now. I can point out damaging behaviour in general terms without criticising him. I couldn't do that before. I can give them all the time and attention I want without being drained my his demands.

It is all so much better, for them and for me.

Oh, and I was richer on paper while I was with him, but felt so much better off when I left, because I could choose to spend or save without his judgement.

Tess, what do YOU want to do?

I know what you want for your children, which is so lovely and I am NOT going to urge you to LTB! Yet! But what do you want, if you didn't have the children? X

Be careful about taking the advice from pp's about taking all the money from the accounts in your name. In divorce, all finances are declared, shared and split. It will all go into the same pot wherever it is.

Yes but it will mean she has access to money in the meantime.