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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It has suddenly gone wrong... :(

56 replies

rjh149 · 12/04/2015 13:37

After a few months of avoiding dating, I met a guy online a few weeks ago. I thought everything was going great between us and eventually we decided to be in a relationship. Last Monday, we went out and I mentioned how busy I'm going to be over the next few weeks with work. That evening he didn't send me any messages and throughout the week he barely spoke to me, which I found bizarre. Usually he'd send me a few messages throughout the day, even just to ask how I am. Towards the end of the week he told me 'We need to talk' and alarm bells started ringing in my head. It was my day off, so I spent the whole day thinking everything over and what had wrong. We sat for over an hour that night in his car whilst he told me we were probably moving too fast, but the next minute he contradicted himself saying he wants to see more of me. I said I wanted a yes or no answer to whether he was breaking things off but he couldn't give me a definite answer. He said he didn't want to but he didn't know what to do. Eventually we sorted things out, and he realised he was just overthinking things because he hasn't been in a relationship for a while. When I went home I wasn't hugely relieved, I was left feeling doubtful and my mood suddenly changed. I no longer felt that excitement of a new relationship. To make matters worse, he then cancelled our date on Friday because he wasn't feeling well. We've rearranged it for tonight and I want to see him, but I'm confused now. I really like him but I'm left feeling like he just isn't interested anymore. Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 13:39

Sounds like hard work.

If either of you are "maybe" about it, just let it go. Life's too short.

championnibbler · 12/04/2015 13:40

he's stringing you along for his own entertainment.
no further contact would be the best response here.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/04/2015 13:40

Massive head fuck. I'm dump him - sorry, I think life is too short for this type if crap. I think, if you're dating, you should only do so once you think you're in a position to do so. Not blow hot and cold over someone

Plus, a remarkable number of people seem to think that "issues" give them the opportunity to act like a shitbag

gamerchick · 12/04/2015 13:43

It shouldn't be that hard right at the beginning man.

Do tonight and if it's all heavy talks and whatnot just bin off. Life is too short I agree.

honeyroar · 12/04/2015 13:43

It doesn't sound good, it's too much hassle too early IMO. Go tonight, see how it feels. Trust your gut instinct.

Original poster

rjh149 · 12/04/2015 13:45

Yeah ever since Thursday I feel as though he's no longer interested in pursuing a relationship. I agree that he's messing me around since then. Do I still arrange to see him later and break it to him face to face?

OP posts:

championnibbler · 12/04/2015 13:46

i would stand him up.
no further contact.

ALaughAMinute · 12/04/2015 13:47

He sounds fucked up, get rid of him!

Original poster

rjh149 · 12/04/2015 13:50

I have a feeling he'll make excuses at the last min, like on Friday. Not that I'm sticking up for him, but he's just an ordinary guy and I thought he was decent. He was really keen on introducing me to his family and he did so. I didn't think anything of it. So how can he say we're moving too fast when he was the one making it that way.

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 12/04/2015 13:54

If he says you are moving too fast it means he's not ready for a relationship.

Text him to cancel. Dump him before he dumps you!

MiniTheMinx · 12/04/2015 13:59

He sounds just like someone I know, and he is a proper head fuck and a player.

Too much stress, he is playing with you, reeling you in with the emotional stuff, but keeping you in a state of anxiety. It really isn't worth it and in a few months from now it will probably be the same or worse, except you won't be asking for a yes or no, you'll be on Ads or on your knees and walking around on egg shells.

Original poster

rjh149 · 12/04/2015 14:00

I would be a coward if I did it by text. As much as I feel like cancelling, I think I'd rather have to say it face to face.

OP posts:

Junzuki · 12/04/2015 14:03

I was once seeing a guy like this. He almost destroyed me. Started off amazing, we got on great, saw lots of each other and a month or so into it he started a "let's go exclusive" relationship talk. I was over the moon and really though I might have met the one. The next date he was really distant, didn't hold my hand like he had previously and kept saying stuff like "if I ever met anyone ..." Which confused me completely as I thought he had ... Me!! Anyway I had it out with him and he said same as your bloke, he felt things were moving too fast and he didn't feel ready for it. I backed off and he suddenly became interested again and started going on about eventually living together!! I let my guard down again ... Next minute I found him on a dating site actively seeking a relationship. Complete headfuck. Makes me angry just thinking about it. So yeah, he's messing you about basically, they get off on it, makes them feel all powerful. Take the power away and cancel on him. Show him that the ball isn't necessarily in his court.

honeyroar · 12/04/2015 14:04

When you talked to him in the car, be honest, do you think that you talked him back into staying with you when he really wanted out? The not being able to say whether he wanted to continue or not was a no really.. If he's still not texting or making an effort to meet up he doesn't want to. The fact that you don't think tonight will happen says a lot too.

MiniTheMinx · 12/04/2015 14:06

He will talk you round, if only just to have sex and you will be more confused! Just a hunch.

If you feel that he will make excuses (has he done this a lot?) then how will you get to say anything face to face. Or are you still hoping to work things out? If he suspects you will get all heavy, he will cancel, and then you'll get lovely texts to reel you back in...lets us know in a couple months!

popalot · 12/04/2015 14:06

He's begun way early with the unnecessary head stress.... Listen to your alarm bells. No relationship should ever be like this, even after a few months or years. Time to say thanks but no thanks and leave it at that.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/04/2015 14:08

Yup - I met someone like that, who decided to start acting like a prick when we were away for a weekend

I'm very proud of myself that I politely drew the weekend to a close (although I was absolutely gutted) and went home. Bit annoyed that I cried in front of him, although I think it was the shock

I'm delighted he was such a dick though as I am now married to my lovely DH who is one of the most reliable and straight forward people I have ever met

Original poster

rjh149 · 12/04/2015 14:09

He was so keen on me when we were just dating but the whole relationship stamp on it has evidently freaked him out. I didn't persuade him to stay with me when we were talking in the car, I basically said it was up to him what he wanted and he talked himself round. I even suggested I leave a few times but he didn't want me to. But yeah, he still seems confused and cba with me. I wouldn't have put him down as a player, but maybe he is.

OP posts:

MadeMan · 12/04/2015 14:11

"I would be a coward if I did it by text."

He cancelled on you already and if he does it again last minute tonight then you're going to feel pissed off and annoyed that you didn't cancel first.

If you phone him and cancel, explaining how you feel it isn't working, then that won't be cowardly.

Original poster

rjh149 · 12/04/2015 14:14

Oh, I'd cancel meeting up by message or call that's not the issue, I meant breaking things off.

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/04/2015 14:15

Phone him then. I honestly think that by soeaking to him face to face, you are showing him that this is A. Big. Deal. to you, which is partly what these type of people thrive on. Plus he had the change to try and persuade you not to dump him

MiniTheMinx · 12/04/2015 14:28

MadeMan is right, if he cancels again you will be pushed to do it by text anyway.

Whatever you do, cancel, hang back, play it cool, call it off, rush in and declare undying love, doesn't much matter what you do because I bet anything you like, you will still hear from him in a week or two. He can act confused all he likes but he wasn't this confused when he was "dating you"

Bloomingflower1 · 12/04/2015 14:32

"I mentioned how busy I'm going to be over the next few weeks with work". In view of his strange immediate behaviour, I wonder if your comment wasn`t a trigger. Did he interpret this as you not being keen, or was he brushed off by someone else in the past with this comment? Just a thought. He seems frightened of something.

HolgerDanske · 12/04/2015 14:34

A few weeks? He's not even worth the headspace you're giving him. Honestly, it's not even a relationship yet. Just text and say it's not working for you.

Original poster

rjh149 · 12/04/2015 14:36

If he cancels today then yeah I'll have no choice but to do it by text.

Yeah he was bothered by this comment, hence why he made reference to wanting to see me more. I did say that it wouldn't affect my work/life balance, just that I'll have more to do during the day then I have since we've been together.

OP posts:

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