It has suddenly gone wrong... :(

[rjh149]

After a few months of avoiding dating, I met a guy online a few weeks ago. I thought everything was going great between us and eventually we decided to be in a relationship. Last Monday, we went out and I mentioned how busy I'm going to be over the next few weeks with work. That evening he didn't send me any messages and throughout the week he barely spoke to me, which I found bizarre. Usually he'd send me a few messages throughout the day, even just to ask how I am. Towards the end of the week he told me 'We need to talk' and alarm bells started ringing in my head. It was my day off, so I spent the whole day thinking everything over and what had wrong. We sat for over an hour that night in his car whilst he told me we were probably moving too fast, but the next minute he contradicted himself saying he wants to see more of me. I said I wanted a yes or no answer to whether he was breaking things off but he couldn't give me a definite answer. He said he didn't want to but he didn't know what to do. Eventually we sorted things out, and he realised he was just overthinking things because he hasn't been in a relationship for a while. When I went home I wasn't hugely relieved, I was left feeling doubtful and my mood suddenly changed. I no longer felt that excitement of a new relationship. To make matters worse, he then cancelled our date on Friday because he wasn't feeling well. We've rearranged it for tonight and I want to see him, but I'm confused now. I really like him but I'm left feeling like he just isn't interested anymore. Any advice would be helpful.

What took place in his last relationship? Personally I think the correct thing to do is to see him, even if you do intend to finish. It`s stronger and more final.

I don't really know. He said his longest relationship was a year. Mine was almost 5. He said he pushes people away that he gets close to. Everyone on here is right though, he's defo messed with my head, even if it wasn't intentional.

Hmm. Pushes people away = fear. Not your problem though.

You say you met him online a few weeks ago and are now in a relationship. Forget the labels and just enjoy being with him or not. The fact you both 'decided to be in a relationship' after a few weeks strikes me you're both rushing each other tbh

Does he feel you were trying to use your work to tell him that you are not into him? Since it is a new relationship, he probably doesn't know what to think at the moment. Maybe he feel that you feel you two are moving too fast. Maybe he is trying to keep his guards up out of fear of rejection. Who knows? Either way, he does sound like hard work.

He said he pushes people away that he gets close to
Then he should either just stick to being single or have fuck buddies until such a time that he can emotionally handle relationships! I hate this sort of thing. Hate it when guys act all keen then do the "I don't know what I want" BS. I used to try and win them over, to the detriment of my self-esteem. These days I'd just tell them to fuck off until they do know what they want and there would be no guarantee I'd still be interested if they suddenly got keen again

Dump this person.

Seriously the advice is after meeting a few weeks ago online he should either know he wants a relationship or fuck off ? Is that right?

Have you shagged him? Did the moving to relationship stage coincide with this?

But seriously, you are supposed to be having fun, etc, he sounds too much like hard work, if you settle for this now, he will string you along for a while then dump you.

Even if he doesn't, he sounds like he has issues and do you really need that, no, of course you don't.

Time to move on.

This is my take on things.

Don't know what happened there! You told him you would be busy for the next few weeks. Usually if somebody says this near the beginning of a relationship it means I'm cooling things off, I'm not keen or I've more important things to do that meet up with you. So if that's the way he's taken it his behaviour seems perfectly normal.

Well I suppose "dating" someone with exclusivity, ie not dating anyone else is now a relationship I don't know why people jump from dating straight into labeling it a relationship. I can't see why people can't just get to know each other, go on dates, but do this with some integrity, do it without multi-dating or having to have these ridiculous labels.

Again I think its because of online dating. Without this recent evil people would just hang out and get to know each other, if their intentions were good they didn't cheat, but sometimes even if their intentions were good the girl in the shop or the office caught their eye and they were off. Now though you have to "commit" early to close down the online activity because this has the sole purpose of finding dates. ie the "talk" about exclusivity and relationship" is born. Tis crap-a-doodle. Of course this early foreclosure means nothing and only signifies the fact that no one is then actively looking for other dates. Of course it doesn't enter anyone's head that people might meet someone off line and scarper anyway, because online has monopolised this aspect of our lives. However, having closed the deal early its all panic because its all too soon.

Agree with you minitheminx after meeting online a few weeks ago any relationship chat would scare the crap out of me . I met my Dp online and we dated and it naturally evolved to the I love you exchanges and referring to each other bf/gf - there was no decision to 'be in a relationship' it just happened and was clear we were together. Just like the olden days

Agree with most posters he sounds like a head fuck. I had one of these men last year and it made me ill.

Men worth bothering about don't mess you around in any sense. If you go forward you are giving him license to mess you around more. Don't waste your time!

We came a long way...it used to be courtship or courting.

Sounds to me like he's a control freak. The second that you have a glimmer of a life outside of focusing on him 24/7 he starts trying to confuse you and turning the tables. Fuck that.

And if he says he has issues run like the wind, why should his past become your future? Anyone with a shitty background has two choices. Stay single or see a counsellor and get over it. Don't seek a relationship with someone who will "fix you". That's not how it works.

It's not that someone should Devi out sky decide if they are in a relationship before they are ready.

The issue is people coming in very strong and then backing off due to alleged emotional issues.

If you have emotional issues/don't know what you want etc, you must know that. Therefore it is incumbent on you to act fairly. You don't need to tell people about it on your first date but you shouldn't make promises you can't keep or start talking about relationships being exclusive when you know that your "issues" actually mean you can't or wont have a serious relationship

I met so many men in my dating years like this. IMO there's no big emotional issue or fear holding them back. Nothing deeper than they are stupid inadequates who get a buzz out of fucking women around. I think it is all very basic.

You can waste hours, days, weeks of your life trying to uncover the psychological motivations of his behaviour. You can let him string you along with tentative promises and the hope he throws you some crumbs from his table.

Or you can walk away, leave him to it and find someone new. Preferably with nice strong arms and no hidden agenda. Good luck

You've been dating a few weeks but you already decided to be in a relationship? How many dates have you actually been on?
People are entitled to change their minds about relationships without any justifications and that might be what has happened. If so, keep in in proportion.

How did it go last night rjh149?

What happened last night?

Am hoping you text him to cancel.

Hi everyone, sorry for the delayed reply. He came round on Sunday night and things were seemingly normal. He even suggested going out for a meal and to go to the cinema. I didn't hear anything from him yesterday. He decided to end things about an hour ago. His reason was that he's interested but he feels something is missing and doesn't want to string me along. People on here were right, he has played me for a fiddle ever since Thursday evening. I'm annoyed because he was the one forcing everything on me; meeting his family, his grandparents, suggesting we go on holiday, he even suggested I go on the pill! Which I haven't taken in years. So he rushed it, probably realised 'Oh what have I done' and has backed away, slowly and now completely. I can't help but feel that if we had continued to date a while longer things would be different. I think I've learnt from that.

It is annoying but be glad you are now free of him and his issues. You deserve better.

It's never good when things are rushed unfortunately in any area of life. It pays to remember good things take time to grow and even if the other party is belting along you can still be the voice of reason and discreetly put the brakes on. Live and learn.

Things wouldn't have been different if it wasn't rushed. It's not you, it's him. I was stung by a man like this and I should searched about it far too much but found some comfort here with info about narcissists. I know now that any kind of relationship appraisal talks which make you feel a bit shit 'there's something missing' etc are a huge red flag but narc man makes you believe it's totally reasonable and mature. It isn't.