Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH messaged Ex am I overreacting

62 replies

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 10:45

DH left his computer Facebook logged in. I read a message he sent yesterday night to his ex. They were together quite a number of years and she was his first love. He bumped into her at the shops yesterday apparently. The message went something along the lines of 'when I saw you my heart skipped a beat. You look amazing. I was talking to your dad the other week. I still miss you. I wish you both well '

I can't remember the exact wording and he's deleted it now.Anyway so as not to drip feed before we had dc3 I found quite a few times messages on his computer to women he knows saying how gorgeous they are. I thought it had all stopped and now this.

I went straight up to him and told him it's over. He said 'obviously there will always be something there she's my first love and at the end of the message I wished her and her new boyfriend well'. Oh well that's alright then aargh. Am I overreacting. I don't want to be anyone's second best.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 12/04/2015 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya · 12/04/2015 10:49

His heart skipped a beat?

He thinks that's ok. If he didn't know what's wrong with that, then there's not much you can do.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 12/04/2015 10:53

What a creep.
If I received a message like that from a long-ago ex, it would make my skin crawl.

You are absolutely not overreacting.

Cabrinha · 12/04/2015 10:54

Interesting that he deleted it. So he knows it was out of order.
Well done for not standing for it!
He's got form, he knows what he was doing.
He wasn't just chatting, we all know it's a feelers out approach.
If she replied "thanks, I still think about you too - drink?" then he would have said yes.
I'm sorry. It's my opinion that there's no point letting it go the first time, because they just do it again Angry

KatieScarlettreregged · 12/04/2015 10:54

No, not ok. Reads like he was fishing to me.

Vivacia · 12/04/2015 10:54

Sending polite, friendly, on-good-terms-with-ex messages is fine in my opinion. I think his message went beyond this and that given his past behaviour you're not over-reacting. I think that you've perhaps been a bit hasty though.

Fontella · 12/04/2015 10:58

My heart skipped a beat, you look amazing, I still miss you

That's a big old hook he's casting on the end of his line right there .. to see if she takes the bait.

She may well have a new boyfriend and she may not be remotely interested in your H, but he clearly is interested in her and is testing the waters with that message. He had absolutely no need to message her at all. None.

Of course you aren't over reacting.

Original poster
whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 10:59

Thank you for the replies.

I found it vomit inducing as well. He just sounds like a slimy little weasel. I'm not up for that. I'm actually googling divorce. I don't want to live a lieSad I know in a while the tears will set in but right now I'm just raging with anger. How can I make him know I mean it. I want him out of this house. He's in the garden at the moment

OP posts:
Crossfitmyarse · 12/04/2015 10:59

I understand that your first love will always hold a special place in your heart, especially if you were not the one to end it, but if you have any sense of decency you keep those 'my heart skipped a beat' thoughts to yourself.

His choice of words in the message is inappropriate and disrespectful to you, and sounds like he's hoping she might get back in touch…..I would not be happy at all.

Cabrinha · 12/04/2015 11:00

Not hasty at all. "Quite a few times" he has messaged other women. If he hasn't cheated already, he is going to.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 12/04/2015 11:04

"obviously there will always be something there"

What a crock, I think a lot of people would run a mile from their "first love", as most people change (grow up). Sounds like he's failed to do this.

Sounds like this is the final straw for you, Whattodonext.

Original poster
whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:06

I love him beyond words but I'm not stupid.You can't make someone love you back. He says he loves me but his actions don't show it Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:08

Right now I just want to run away I don't know what to do. If I forgive him and carry on then like a few have said I feel like I'm just giving him the green light to keep on messaging other women and eventually one will probably respond

OP posts:
bigfam · 12/04/2015 11:10

I'd of gone off my head.
My oh once sent messages to his ex saying he'd take our dc to meet her (at the time we only had the two) I flipped at that, but if he'd ever sent messages like those you've mentioned, he'd be gone.

Hope you're ok. Loads of hugs and support

magoria · 12/04/2015 11:12

If it was all so innocent at the end why delete it?

Isn't there a deleted folder in FB where they all go and have to be permanently deleted from? So you could check it is properly gone?

Anyway he has done it before, you have rightly decided you deserve better.

We are here with a virtual hand hold and hug if you need.

Good luck.

DragonsCanHop · 12/04/2015 11:15

Yes, you are giving him the green light. Be strong, tell him you need space to think and figure out if you want to continue. Make it about you.

He made it crap, made you feel like this so he needs to leave, if that's what you want.

Make him see what life outside the comfort zone is like.

Original poster
whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:16

I want him to leave but I don't know how to get him too I've been looking online for houses as I guess if he won't go I'll have to.

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 12/04/2015 11:23

Who's name is the house in, is it rented or mortgage?

areyoubeingserviced · 12/04/2015 11:25

Defo agree that the message was creepy.
The ex probably feels sorry for you.
I would be livid

Vivacia · 12/04/2015 11:27

What's your current housing situation?

If you want to "run away" is there some relative or friend you can run away to?

Original poster
whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:27

It's just rented in both our names.I have no family in the area but he has plenty he could go stay with

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:29

If I ran away it would have to be back home I guess which is about an hour and a half from where I live now. I wouldn't want to uproot the children though.

OP posts:
CrispyFern · 12/04/2015 11:30

"My heart skipped a beat."
"I still miss you."
Those are totally unacceptable. He was asking for something to begin with her. There is no other way to read it.

"You look amazing."
Is on dodgy ground too really.

He might love you in his way, but as you say, you are clearly not number one to him. I'm very sorry, you must be really hurt. Flowers

I think if you move on you will find someone for who you can be number one. That's what you deserve.

oute · 12/04/2015 11:32

There needs to be consequences, tell him how hurt you are and that he needs to go and stay with relatives to give you some space, please don't ignore this.

Original poster
whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:33

Crispyfern harsh and hard to read but I know you are right Sad

OP posts: