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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH messaged Ex am I overreacting

62 replies

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 10:45

DH left his computer Facebook logged in. I read a message he sent yesterday night to his ex. They were together quite a number of years and she was his first love. He bumped into her at the shops yesterday apparently. The message went something along the lines of 'when I saw you my heart skipped a beat. You look amazing. I was talking to your dad the other week. I still miss you. I wish you both well '

I can't remember the exact wording and he's deleted it now.Anyway so as not to drip feed before we had dc3 I found quite a few times messages on his computer to women he knows saying how gorgeous they are. I thought it had all stopped and now this.

I went straight up to him and told him it's over. He said 'obviously there will always be something there she's my first love and at the end of the message I wished her and her new boyfriend well'. Oh well that's alright then aargh. Am I overreacting. I don't want to be anyone's second best.

OP posts:

Original poster

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:34

Can I ask if anyone recognises me on here that you don't out me. I've just realise I've given quite a lot away

OP posts:

Fontella · 12/04/2015 11:40

Tell him you're not accepting his bullshit excuse this time. There was absolutely no need for him to have messaged her in the first place, and that the wording of his message was completely unacceptable under any circumstances.

Tell him given his past track record in sending inappropriate messages to other women, and now this latest incident, you need to have some time and space to yourself to get some perspective on the marriage, and whether or not you want to continue in it. Tell him he has relatives in the area he could stay with but you do not; that your priority is not to uproot the children, and as a father who presumably places similar importance on his children's wellbeing as you do, you are sure he wants the same.

Tell him that if he 'loves' you as he professes to, and has any respect or consideration for you and your feelings, then he will do as you ask. If he refuses - tell him his refusal tells you everything you need to know about his so-called 'love' for you.

If he still refuses to go, you are going to have to start getting your ducks in a row while still under the same roof. Not easy, but plenty have managed it.

Good luck OP.

Vivacia · 12/04/2015 11:43

Don't worry, you're totally unidentifiable.

How would you feel about staying in a hotel for one or two nights? This means you get your time and space to think and I bet it'll make him very amenable to moving out.

Original poster

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 11:46

Do you mean with the children Vivacia? That's a good idea if all else fails. I have to let him continue what he's doing at the moment as the landlady is coming around to check in a few days.The minute he comes in I'm going to tell him he needs to go asap

OP posts:

Vivacia · 12/04/2015 12:06

It's a likely arrangement in the long term, I guess? Once he's moved out?

Why does the landlady's visit mean he can't have the children this afternoon or tomorrow night?

straighttothepoint · 12/04/2015 12:24

His behaviour is totally unacceptable. Not sure what I would do but I would like to give him a good kicking!

DragonsCanHop · 12/04/2015 12:35

Pack a bag for a few nights, put it in the boot of his car and then ask him to go out and buy some milk.

Lock the doors, text him and tell him you need a few days thinking space, turn your phone off and take the DC out for a few hours he can bang on the door all he likes then

I'd lock the front door and left the key in it, same with the back door and then leave via the patio door! No messing!

Original poster

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 12:45

He's said he will go as it was over anyway. We were arguing yesterday about me wanting another child and him not(I know I can't make him) as he's really dismissive of my feelings.I think I'm his head what he did was ok as he thought we were over anyway apparently. We've been married less than a year

OP posts:

PoppyField · 12/04/2015 12:51

Really sorry OP. Just came on to give you a friendly squeeze. He is being unrepentant and hostile to say the least. I'm really sorry he doesn't seem to care for your feelings. He is not upset that he is hurt you and I know that is what hurts the most. Poor you. But I am very glad you are angry. I think that means you are really strong and have your boundaries in the right place. That's exactly how you should be feeling - he is behaving like an utter turd.

And it sounds from what he is saying (and doing) that he has already checked out of the relationship. He's not putting much effort in, is he? Better that he goes.

PoppyField · 12/04/2015 12:51

has hurt you

Fontella · 12/04/2015 13:07

He sounds like a right immature wanker to be honest. I thought you were 'over' anyway so that's why he messaged the ex? Is that the best he can come up with? On a list of crap excuses .. that's somewhere near the top.

Is that also why he messaged the other women telling them they were 'gorgeous' as well?

I know it never seems like it at times like this OP but you are better of without someone like this as a 'partner'.

Original poster

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 16:04

Thanks everyone. I've taken myself to bed and left him to deal with the baby. He said he is going to leave but in not convinced. The kids have friends over & I don't want to spoil their last day of the holidays.

I plan to call up and arrange a few appointments for house viewings tomorrow and tonight I will sleep in the spare room.

OP posts:

Justusemyname · 12/04/2015 16:09

He didn't really think it was over otherwise he would have been packing. He's just saying that to justify his sniffing around his ex.

I think a break would be good, it doesn't have to be forever if you decide you want him back but it sets the bar that he can't just dick about.

Justusemyname · 12/04/2015 16:10

And how fortuitous that the day he thought you were over he sees his first love .

LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/04/2015 16:12

What a rotten situation op.

He has told you who he is now, he will never respect you the way you deserve.

Stay strong.

NeedABumChange · 12/04/2015 16:13

The heart skipped a beat thing is too far. You look great, good luck in the future would be fine but I think he has totally overstepped the line.

And the I still miss you implies that he has never stopped missing her.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/04/2015 16:16

I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will well shot of this loser. He is changing the story again and again to make out that he has done nothing wrong. Thinking you were over is just another change in his story.

If he hasn't cheated already he will do one day.

Keep strong and look after yourself. And find some real life support to help you

Tiptops · 12/04/2015 16:17

Sorry he has been so hurtful OP. Sounds like this incident was one of a number of times he has blatantly disregarded your feelings. If he felt the relationship was over already why didn't he have the guts to say so.

Well done for being proactive and making appointments for viewings. You've done well to be able to organise and manage this at the same time as dealing with his deceit. Hope you find a lovely new home for you and your DC.

GERTI · 12/04/2015 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 18:54

Thanks Gerti. He has said he will go and that I can stay at the house. I may need a guarantor as I'm self employed so he's said he will do that. I know that when the time comes I'll be in tears but no matter what he says he can't take back that message

OP posts:

Justusemyname · 12/04/2015 19:00

Don't rely on him to behave kindly re guarantor, he's no longer on your team.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/04/2015 19:00

Sounds like he is not over her. Either that, he chase women whoever pay attention to him.

Original poster

whattodonext34 · 12/04/2015 19:08

I think he will be guarantor. He is already backtracking saying that he hopes its just a short break. I think it's more a case of he has been caught and wants to wriggle out of it. I said to him earlier that I'm no ones second best and he said I'm not he does agree though that we need a break.

I'm worrying more about practicalities as i need to set my mind on something quickly. I hope my landlady is happy for me & the children to stay in our house as they and I like it here. She can be quite a funny lady sometimes. I know I will be fine covering the rent.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 12/04/2015 19:19

If he moves out but stays on the agreement there shouldn't be any problem as far as the LL is concerned but then that doesn't give you a clean break.

Would you pass a credit check to take on the tenancy in your own name? If so he'd need to give notice and the deposit returned and your own tenancy and deposit set up.

GERTI · 12/04/2015 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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