What the fuck is love?

[listeningtomyheartorhead]

I dont mean in the philosophical, airy, fairy sort of way. I mean what does it look like practically. I feel so confused sometimes that my idea of what love is has been so messed up by romantic films and novels. I just feel constantly let down. All the people in my life that I love from my family members to my dc to my partner I both love and hate intensely at the same time some more than others (e.g. definitely love my kids more than the instances where I sometimes feel hatred towards them but my dad probably the other way round). Is that normal? I just want to hear others perspectives so I can see whether its me with the high expectations.

You sound like me.

The only "love" that I can genuinely feel is that towards both my daughters, and for this I am grateful even if they do both drive me nuts sometimes as I am sure I do them

My exh, I loved him. To me it was all encompassing, he had many flaws ans imperfections but I didn't care, I wanted to look after and nurture him and was happy to care for him until the day I died. Sadly, this was not reciprocated in any way. He made me feel sad, lonely, isolated and unloved when things took a turn for the worse two years ago. The love I felt for him has now turned to grief, for the man I thought he was when I married him.

My parents, meh! I do still love them but showing that love for me means I keep a level of emotional distance from them. For me, it is still love but its not anything I would wish for myself from my children.

"What the fuck is love?"

Haddaway never sang it like that?

Thanks for the earworm mademan

Romantic love? Fucked if I know.

I love my kids. I love my parents and my siblings and my close friends. I know this absolutely even though they drive me mad on occasion.

I don't know what healthy romantic love looks like though. Never experienced it myself sadly.

For me and my DP it's not wild or sexually charged or slushily romantic like many couples I know. It's calm and gentle and constant. It feels peaceful (unlike me on my own). It's uncomplicated and undramatic.

Hmm. You ask a very good question and the above is just my unchecked, off-the-top-of-my-head response.

I love Cadbury's Creme Eggs, but not sure it's the same as romantic love.

Well... It's certainly not how it is in the cinema :/

I found Dh a little later in life, after relationships that, whilst in no way abusive, we're just a bit crap. Thoughtless men, rather than cruel ones. I don't think I'd experienced anything other than romantic infatuation followed by gradual disappointment before.

Dh was a revelation. Genuinely caring, mutual respect, etc. It's not 'brief encounter' style romantic stuff, but it is a process of growing together, like a couple of trees, and still having that mutual respect. We genuinely enjoy each other's company. I trust him. I can rely on him. We are a team. We bicker, yes, but we have a lot of fun. Neither of us is perfect, but we are just right for each other.

When i think of love i think of this
its patient
kind
not envious
not boasting
puts others first
not self seeking
Shame its not like that anymore.

Being on the receiving end of love is knowing that they put you first and pleasing you is their goal in life.

That's good because then if you love them as much then it's your goal to do the same and both of you make the other happy.

The problem only comes if one of you doesn't see that as your mission so there is imbalance.

That's a nice way of putting it Joysmum.

Family love is knowing them so well that they irritate you on times but you wouldn't be without them.

Romantic love, for me, is having someone to lean on, who respects me. And who also, occasionally baffles me with his ideas. DH and I have been together since we were teens and it still amazes me that we're both completely different people now but we still seem to fit together. For that sort of love, I am happt to overlook the little irritations (obsession with cars & rugby and random hobby fads). In return i trust him to support me through my recent illnesses, the fertility treatment that is crushing me and anything else that I need him for.

OP if you're asking the question, I would suggest being single for a while. When you're very happy with life on your own, hopefully you will only accept a partner who benefits your life.

Being on the receiving end of love is knowing that they put you first and pleasing you is their goal in life.

Hmm. This is not how I feel about DP. I wonder what he would think.

Thanks for the replies. I dont know why its so complicated? Do any of you have rhat love/hate dynamic with some of those who are closest to you? I feel like i expect better from those who say they love me and when they hurt me i find it hard to accept that they love me. Sort of like if you loved me you wouldnt have done that or you would know how to make me feel special but is that all just the fantasy we see in the media.

Sounds like an 80s sound that was banned from the airwaves.

Loves different things to different people.

You should love your partner.
You should love your kids the most.

I guess love is then:

• Cleaning up someone's puke - adult + child.
• Wiping a shitty arse - only under 5.

Is the idea of a soulmate, someone who totally understands you, is devoted to you and whose number one priority is making you happy just unrealistic.

Im not that passionate a person. I don't really get angry except at real injustice. I almost never shout. My ds is only 18mo so I'm sure that will change!!
I don't hate anyone I love. I am generally calm and content and my parents are too (in fact I'd say they're pretty boring) and my dh is a pretty stable person too, I think that's why I love him. Neither of us do drama. I know he loves me every day (he's in the kitchen cooking me a steak right now) but he doesn't do dramatic romantic gestures either. We decided mutually to get married during a conversation over dinner in a nice french restaraunt rather than any big proposal as one example. we share values and dreams and although we don't do drama we do do adventure and travel.

Love is pragmatic.

I really don't like the concept of 'soulmate'. Mills+Boons BS.

I know someone who is one her 4th soulmate. Of the last 5 years.

museumum - but he did whisk you away on a white stead, with his white shirt billowing ...

OK, got it.

Love is not wanting to strangle someone after living with them for 10 years.

I don't believe in soulmates and I don't believe in people being able to read your mind just because they love you and I don't believe people love me if it's only their words and not their actions that say they do.

Love is not abusing the person who you claim to love.

It's when thinking about my wife, I get a nice warm feeling inside. And we've been married 39 years.

It's when I see my four sons going out and getting to grips with the world. And thinking 'we did that together'.

It's all sorts of things really. But what it comes down to is realising that I have everything I want and it is largely due to my marriage.

Your question about love hate dynamics is interesting. I'd say the answer is ' not from anyone you pick.'

You can't help who your family are, for example, but you do get to pick your partner. There, there should be no hatred. There's a body of research showing that disparaging or showing any form of contempt for a partner is very corrosive. Yes, you may bicker, or argue, but contempt is lethal. Stable, happy relationships all look different. Some are calm, some tempestuous, but all are built on mutual respect. Respect and support and genuine affection and closeness.

If someone is hurting you regularly, it's time to reassess.

Your relationship sounds lovely, back2two :)