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Original poster

Bad Sex

51 replies

BCLC · 02/11/2006 14:35

I don't ever want to have sex again with Dh.
It's never been especially good. We met when we were teenagers and so we were not very accomplished and made all our mistakes on each other then were stuck with them. 20 years on we rarely have sex and we never make any effort. I wouldn't want him to, I can't bear for him to touch me in a sexual way. We never talk about it any more. I wouldn't want to hurt him by voicing how I feel and I guess he doesn't want to hear it.
Last night I just had to ask him to stop, I just couldn't bear it. That has never happened before. I love him so much and I know the rejection must hurt him. Our marriage is fine in every other way.
I don't believe it's about rekindling intimacy, making time for our relationship/myself or any of those things. I just don't fancy him and I hate him using my body to masturbate in.
I value my marriage. Does this mean I have to have sex 'cause I can't any more. I just can't talk to anyone about this.

OP posts:
mummypoo · 02/11/2006 15:05

((hugs))

What did he say when you asked him to stop? Does it bother him that you rarely do it anymore. I'm no expert but I think marriages only work without sex if both parties feel the same way.

Maybe you need to talk?

NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 15:10

Hmm.

Some questions:

  1. do you masturbate?
  1. do you still find him attractive?
  1. would you want to have sex with other people, if it was possible?
  1. how is your relationship otherwise?
NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 15:11

Oh ... and the expression "using your body to masturbate in" implies that he isn't very interested in pleasing you . Is this the case? Is this part of the problem?

Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 16:33

It wouldn't be fair to say he's not interested. He just senses that any attempts are not welcome. Sex when we had more was so often frustrating that it was less upsetting not to try. He was more than willing to try but I just don't fancy him, I can't get my head in the right place.
yes I masturbate. I do find him attractive without fancying him which is odd,our relationship is good otherwise and I don't think I'd have the confidence to have sex with other people if it were possible. Does that tell you anything? Thanks for answering, I thought this one was going to drop off the end!
Mummpoo, I don't feel like talking because resolution seems too much like having to have sex. Also don't want to rock the boat. But...worried that someone will come along one day who will want him in that way.
If we went out and had a great evening, a good laugh, if he was in a confident and assertive mood and made me feel special (but not too special)and attractive and we'd had a drink or two, it would be fine. I just seem to have frozen myself away from him and now I can't even bear a quick one. Oh dear.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 17:20

Hmmm. It sounds like a not-very-pleasant state to be stuck in, tbh. I doubt he's happy, either.

I can offer some thoughts and suggestions, and more questions ...

Why was sex frustrating before? Did you have problems reaching orgasm?

Does he know you masturbate? Do you ever masturbate with him present? Would that be an option for you both? He might learn what works for you, if that's been the problem.

Why are you lacking in confidence? Is lack of confidence part of the problem with him? Do you take good care of yourself? Do you exercise? Do you get time to yourself? Do you get enough sleep? Do you eat well? All these things improve your energy levels, which can help ...

Do you ever go out together?

The thought of you "bearing a quick one" is quite sad, tbh. Surely sex should be something you want to do and enjoy, if you're going to bother doing it! I bet your DH feels the same way ...

NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 17:24

If you could talk to your partner, it might be worth trying Sensate Focus . It could be a way to "reset" your way of behaving with each other, physically ...

Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 18:00

Great, my own sexual counsellor!
Yeah, hard to reach orgasm. Was great for a few months many years ago when we'd split up for a while and the balance of our relationship changed. I was trying to win him back, he was seeing other people and the very moment that I did it began to deteriorate again. Like I said, it's a head thing.
Yes he knows I masturbate but he'd put me off to be honest! Like I said, we have had a better sexual relationship in the past, he's not completely inept but he does lack confidence and that's not sexy. We've tried lots of things like you've suggested over the years but it's very hard when you try something and it doesn't work, knocks us both further back than before.
We rarely get to go out together and I don't have time to myself. I try to take care of myself but maybe not as much as I could. I've given up work after birth of second baby so don't even have to dress up for that. So yes, overweight, feeling a bit scruffy round the edges nowadays, don't have much adult fun.
10 years ago I quit work and did a degree. Because I couldn't run a car, I walked, lost 3 stone, got a social life (living with Dh then boyf.) and felt sexy,confident and attractive for the first time in my life. I got attention for the first time too. I'd been with Dh since I was 16 and was now 26ish. I behaved appallingly. I wasn't unfaithful exactly but flirted with the array of options and hurt DH a lot. I was having the experiences most people would probably have as teenagers and making a mess of it. We split up for a while as I've already mentioned. I didn't have the bottle to actually pursue the possibilities and I suppose it was safer to get back with DH who I did love though you wouldn't know it...
It really was awful last night. I'd been flirting a bit with him I suppose earlier in the evening. He looked nice and I was feeling really tender towards him. Later, when we went to bed he had a shower. I asked im if he wasn't going to have time for one in the morning and it turned out he'd done it to be more appealing to me...I was really tired and didn't want to but felt guilty and went ahead but I just couldn't couln't let him carry on, it was unbearable and I don't know why that happened. I guess he will be miserable about it too. How could we talk about it though? It would be too harsh to voice my disgust.

OP posts:
HotterOtter · 02/11/2006 18:15

What exactly happened then BCLC?

NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 18:35

Hmm, do you both expect you to reach orgasm through intercourse? Because from what I know, it's not "normal", iyswim, and certainly not reasonable to expect ...

(I'm not a sexual counsellor, or a counsellor of any sort, just someone who knows a bit about sex and things that go wrong ...)

So sex was better when you felt he was unattainable, and you were working at winning him back?

Hmmm, do you ever initiate sex? Or is it him always hassling you, so you do it out of guilt/obligation? (mmmm. sexy.)

Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:11

Yeah unattainable but more that I felt that he didn't really want me, he had the upper hand, he was dominant.
I occasionally reluctantly initiate sex but yes, I do it for him, because I hope to please him, because I know it will make him feel good about himself...because I love him and it's part of the give and take. I don't offer much though so I suppose he takes what he can. He doesn't pester me at all, probably to avoid the rejection.
HotterOtter, can't believe I'm posting about something so personal. Nothing exciting, I just said he had to stop, that I couldn't do it so he asked if I minded if he masturbated which I said I didn't but he didn't believe me but did anyway. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

OP posts:
Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:12

Thanks for the website by the way, will look more closely later.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 19:18

It's good to be honest about things, it's not a bad thing to tell him to stop if you're unhappy. Would you want to have sex with someone who was miserable about it?

NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 19:19

Hmmm ... "dominant". Do you want him to be more assertive about sex, less like a dog whinging for scraps?

If so, you probably should tell him as much ...

Monkeytrousers · 02/11/2006 19:21

Could you be depressed?

lazyanna · 02/11/2006 19:23

Why is someone always accused of being depressed if they don't like sex?

FrannyonFire · 02/11/2006 19:23

Fancy finding you on this thread NQC

This sounds grim, BCLC. Glad you are looking for some help about it, because that is nothing you should have to put up with.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 19:30

Ah, yes, but I only came here because I knew you'd come along and drag me here anyway :-P

Must put DS2 to bed, will be back with more thoughts.

(I know v little about depression, but it doesn't sound exactly like this is a depressive thing ...)

Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:36

I'm certainly not depressed. I suffered from quite severe depression during both pregnancies so I'm sure of this. Thanks though!

OP posts:
Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:37

He can be though...

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 19:38

He can be depressed? Or what?

It does sound like some couples counselling, or separate counselling, tbh, wouldn't go amiss here ...

Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:46

Difficult to say whether I'd like him to be more assertive. He certainly doesn't whinge for scraps. He is usually fairly good humoured about it. I suspect we've developed a subtle, non confrontational shorthand for asking and replying! Confident, yes, I wish he could be. I'm feeling even more guilty now. If I could pretend for him then I would.
I feel like I've created this monster and now I can't live with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:48

Years ago, I never could understand couples who didn't talk and communicate like we did. Now I see that it's possible to be scared about what you might find out...

OP posts:
Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:50

Yeah, he can be depressed.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 19:51

Hmm, in a lot of relationship areas, we end up in patterns. And anything that breaks that pattern can be a good thing, even if it throws you both off. What would happen if you decided what sort of intimacy you could enjoy with him, even if it was just you both masturbating, or him masturbating, and you cuddling, or some sort of sensate focus work ... and then asked for that?

Subtle ways of asking aren't necessarily a bad thing, they mean nobody has to be overtly rejected ... but signs can be misread pretty easily, if they're subtle, and it's an area of strong emotions ... it's still good to talk openly about these things, at least sometimes.

Original poster
BCLC · 02/11/2006 19:52

Is it really possible to have an ok sex life with someone you don't really want to have sex with? Does that ever happen when there are no underlying traumas or relationship issues to be sorted, it's just the way it is?

OP posts:
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