Bad Sex

[BCLC]

I don't ever want to have sex again with Dh.
It's never been especially good. We met when we were teenagers and so we were not very accomplished and made all our mistakes on each other then were stuck with them. 20 years on we rarely have sex and we never make any effort. I wouldn't want him to, I can't bear for him to touch me in a sexual way. We never talk about it any more. I wouldn't want to hurt him by voicing how I feel and I guess he doesn't want to hear it.
Last night I just had to ask him to stop, I just couldn't bear it. That has never happened before. I love him so much and I know the rejection must hurt him. Our marriage is fine in every other way.
I don't believe it's about rekindling intimacy, making time for our relationship/myself or any of those things. I just don't fancy him and I hate him using my body to masturbate in.
I value my marriage. Does this mean I have to have sex 'cause I can't any more. I just can't talk to anyone about this.

I don't know ... I'd think almost any discovery would be better than the sort of muddle of mystery, awkwardness, obligation and guilt you've got yourself into ...

do you ever have much time apart?

I see you say you're not depressed but it doesn't sound like you are feeling wonderful about yourself. There is nothing worse (imo) than feeling like you're not going out and having fun. I'm not saying you need to go out all the time but even just a few social occasions a month that you can really look forward to.

Have you got any friends? Could you invite some round for dinner or go out for a meal/drink with them? How about a babysitter so that you and dh can go out?

There's really nothing worse than feeling shit about yourself and being stuck at home.

I'd have to say "no", BCLC. I mean, if you don't want to have sex with him, then your sex life isn't going to be great. But it doesn't sound like your relationship is that bad, it just sounds like you're maybe in a muddle about your sexuality in general, and that's holding you back?

I wonder if the fact you never really ran about is part of the problem? If you don't sleep with a wide range of people, then it's harder to work out what works for you, iyswim (she says, justifying her tomcat years ...).

Hmmm, you said you don't have the confidence to sleep with other people ... but do you end up fancying other people? And if so, who? And why? That might give you a clue as to what's "missing" from your relationship with your DH.

Yes, foxinsocks makes a good point. Whatever's going on in your life, getting out and about, and doing things that interest you, can really lift your spirits ...

Yeah you're right. Don't know how we got to this really. Reading the masturbation advice makes me cringe. I just don't want to be sexual with him any more at all. realise that I used to masturbate when he was in bed with me but never do now. It's almost as if the relationship had become fraternal hense the disgust.

There's an American woman who's done a book on rekindling sex in marriage ... let me see if I can find something about it ... here . It sounds interesting, and possibly relevant.

That being said, I do think better communication, some improvements in your self-esteem (exercise, more "me time", doing things you enjoy), and some proper couple time might help ...

No don't have much time apart. But honestly not depressed. Bored, lonley sometimes but so not depressed. I am trying to develop freindships since giving up work and getting there slowly.

A quote from the site:

Ether Perel takes on these tough questions, grappling with the obstacles and anxieties that arise when our quest for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion. She invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

In her twenty years of clinical experience, Perel has treated hundreds of couples whose home lives are empty of passion. They describe relationships that are open and loving, yet sexually dull. What is going on?

In this explosively original book, Perel explains that our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women. Sexual excitement doesn't always play by the rules of good citizenship. It is politically incorrect. It thrives on power plays, unfair advantages, and the space between self and other. More exciting, playful, even poetic sex is possible, but first we must kick egalitarian ideals and emotional housekeeping out of our bedrooms.

While Mating in Captivity shows why the domestic realm can feel like a cage, Perel's take on bedroom dynamics promises to liberate, enchant, and provoke. Flinging the doors open on erotic life and domesticity, she invites us to put the "X" back in sex.

I think you're putting too much focus on it. Your thread rings a bell with me because most of my relationships used to end up this way. I now recognise that it was often because I got so involved with my boyf that I completely neglected my own life (if that makes sense).

For me (and this may not be the case, but if you love your dh, it may be worth trying), resurrecting my own life and spending some time apart from boyf was the way to go.

I do wonder whether your dh is still a bit sensitive about the time when you two were apart. I imagine it is especially difficult as you have been together from such a young age.

But I really think, in your shoes, I would be looking to reignite my own life first - if you still feel bad after that, then perhaps it is time to think about some counselling for the two of you.

You don't have to be depressed to need a bit of a lift, iyswim.

Another thought ... I do think that sex is, to some extent (particularly for women) a sort of habit. If you get in the habit of having sex often, you'll want sex often. Masturbation helps, obviously.

But having sex you don't want doesn't.

So whichever of these ideas work for you, if any, please stop having sex you don't want.

And yeah, you can feel kinda iffy about it, and then warm up and enjoy yourself ... but it sounds like you know, right from the beginning, that it's going to be a duty all the way through. Please spare yourself, and your DH, that experience ...

and I completely agree with NQC. Not having sex for a while is a bit like falling off a horse. You need to get back on pretty quick and have a few practices before you get back into the swing of things!

Are you on any different contraception? that can cause problems with sex drive.

mmm...definatly used to be a huge problem for us years ago that I hadn't been around but it stopped bothering me. I didn't want to lose what I'd got and he is great, don't get the wrong idea. But as I said before am inexpereinced and lacked the confidence to explore...
This is really useful by the way...
Because I'm finding it hard to answer your question..
I think that I've never had the chance to really find out what sort of person I fancy...
Of course, people catch my eye, physically but People I fancy...it's usually because they have a spark about them in some way...a twinkle...or is that what any man you might be flirting with has...you see I don't know...and thinking about it, socially Dh has that...you just don't get it over the dishwasher very often..

Hmmm. Any chance of you two going on an actual date? Maybe even play it up a bit, pretend it's a real date?

This is really useful advice by the way!
You really have me thinking!
Will look at that book thanks.
Yes, whichever of you said he might be feeling bad about the split, he would never talk about what happened, we just carried on. It was years and years ago but I suppose it was a kind of buried trauma for him. I can forgive myself actually because I needed to do those things. I could never have married him without a little, very little experimentation...Maybe some would say I shouldn't have, married him I mean.

Well it does sound like you love him! If you didn't, you wouldn't put up with this much, would you?

Talking through the split-up sounds wise, yeah ...

agree with NotQuiteCockney. The less you do it, the less you want to do it. Same with snogging. You have to get back into the habit of doing it. You said you still find your husband attractive, but don't 'fancy' him. Is that because the word 'fancy' has a slightly sexual connotation? The fact you find him attractive is a start.

I saw a programme about couples who had this problem and they were told to almost practice sitting snogging! It was obviously a very false situation, but the more they did it, the more they wanted to do it.

Yeah...maybe, one of our best best times was in a carpark after we'd been out actually..I'd forgotten. We only remembered the cameras later!
You are all quite right. We do need to get out together, I do need to get my own life, I do need to shape up...it's all a bit obvious really but I am so grateful that you've pointed it out to me...yikes he's back, better go!

God snogging...bleuuurrrggghhh! Ha! Really got to go!

DO you think he fancies you or do you worry that he has sex with you cos you are there iykwim?

Thanks so much everyone for tyour thoughts last night. It gave me a lot to think about. I dreamt all night about handsome men who wanted to have sex with me but then turned into DH!
We're going out tonight!

How about swinging?

That could put some vavavoom back into things.

Or dogging.

Oh, good news, re: the going out.

Um, EIS, that's not very helpful is it?

It can be for some, NQC .

Ha

Droso, he does fancy me thankfully!