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Original poster

Would you mind your OH having a single friend of the opposite sex?

59 replies

fruitandnutlover · 10/04/2015 23:43

I was talking to a work colleague recently and he mentioned that his wife is really good friends with a single guy and she visits this single guy every week without my work colleague. In fact my colleague says he isn't friends with this man so never goes with her.

I got chatting with my female friends and this subject came up and none of them or their OH's have separate single friends of the opposite sex. In fact a couple of them said if their husbands did they would feel quite uncomfortable about it.

All of my male friends are the husbands of my girlfriends or friends of my DH so there wouldn't really be a reason for me to visit them regularly alone.

Just got me wondering are there many married people who have very close friends of the opposite sex and would you feel comfortable with your OH being friends with a single woman/man?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2015 01:39

I have close male friends. It seems to help that none of them are my 'type' so that probably makes DH cooler with it than he might be otherwise. DH doesn't have female friends that aren't his DSis' friends or friends' wives. Not sure if I'd mind. I don' think I would, he's very loyal.

TheLastThneed · 11/04/2015 01:49

No not really. It would depend on the person. Not all single people are predators, but my friend's DP (and father of her child) went off with one of his single friends. I think she had a lucky escape though. I think all situations are different and you can't categorise single people.

RedCheckedTablecloth · 11/04/2015 01:55

I meet male ex work colleagues for lunch regularly and DH socialises with women at his sports club.

Blarblarblar · 11/04/2015 02:04

I do spend most of my time with another man but he wouldn't fancy me because I dont have a penis. Maybe her pal is gay he wouldn't have necessarily brought it up.
I have a couple of other very close male friends I've had since childhood that do have interest in vaginas, my DH would have no problem with me hanging out with them without him. However as soon as he met one of them they developed quite the bromance so I probably wouldn't be allowed to now.
I don't have any new male friends though since after marriage that I would meet up with on my own but I doubt he'd care if I did, never gets jealous. DH doesnt have any female friends outside our joint pals I'd probably be a bit funny if he suddenly struck up a new one but I'd feel silly for it iykwim.

SelfLoathing · 11/04/2015 02:21

The general rule is -it's OK if they were close friends before you met. After that - not so much.

It is also less acceptable in the male partner - new female friend dynamic. As opposed to the female partner - new male friend dynamic.

Women with husbands/partners tend to assume all new women coming into their partners lives want to shag their man (or that their man wants to shag the new female friend - or it's a high risk zone). It is one of the reasons why a social life as an older single woman is difficult.

An older single man is seen as no threat by a female and invited to dinner parties & social occassions - usually because the chief organiser is the female partner.

An older single woman is assumed to be a she-devil pariah preying on the sexual weaknesses of all men.

I'm exaggerating somewhat to make a point. But it's a really sad part of life.

I've met some really great men who are a lot older than me who I have NO sexual interest in. They are interesting, funny, charming and we have lots in common. But I can't develope a friendship with them because social mores prohibits it. Their wives wouldn't like it because a new friendship carries with it a suspicion of sexual interest. The fact that you would shag one man doesn't mean you'd shag them all.

An older single woman's social life is limited to her oldest friends and new female friends. There is no real prospect of making a new male friend (excluding gay men).

JassyRadlett · 11/04/2015 02:23

Nope. DH has single female friends, I had plenty of platonic friendships with men when I was single (as I do now) including men in relationships.

The idea that men and women are unable to interact without seeing each other as potential fuck fodder drives me up the wall.

babbinocaro · 11/04/2015 05:42

Few years ago would have said don't mind but thought I knew the few there were but then the secret ones never mentioned as coffee and lunch dates and the social media "friends" liked for their new outfits, new profile picture. Call these sniffing around friends, wank fodder friends who have in their small part devalued me and our marriage even though they were "just friends".

PlasticCircus · 11/04/2015 05:54

No. I think it's ridiculous to stop people having new friends just because they happen to be of the opposite sex. I find it a really strange idea that men and women can't just be friends. Having such a lack of trust and so much jealously in a relationship would drive me mad.

My husband and I both have few friends each who are single and the opposite sex and we even meet up with them sometimes alone (uh oh!). We have quite separate interests sometimes and it's good to do things away from 'us' too. Some of them were even met after we were married.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 11/04/2015 06:51

DH and I both do. We know each others friends although aren't close to all of them. It's not a problem. If we had such a lack of trust that we wouldn't be happy with each other having friends of the opposite sex then there would clearly be a problem in our relationship- irrespective of whether anyone was actually unfaithful.

Jengnr · 11/04/2015 07:00

We both do. Although some of my single male friends are no longer single and his closest non single female friend has recently become single.

Unescorted · 11/04/2015 07:04

Dh has - sometimes I get a little uncomfortable (he has form), due to the early mentionitis and then going silent about them. He loves a damsel in distress. If I am worried I suggest that they are invited around - if excuse after excuse is found for me not to meet them then I get worried.

qumquat · 11/04/2015 07:06

No. I find it really odd that anyone would have a problem with this, unless you think your partner is likely to have an affair at the slightest opportunity.

CtrlAltDelicious · 11/04/2015 07:23

I am single and have plenty of male friends. I certainly wouldn't appreciate being told to drop them by a new partner. However, I would modify the friendships out of respect for my relationship. For example, I sometimes watch films on my bed with one male friend. Wouldn't do this if I was in a relationship.

winkywinkola · 11/04/2015 08:16

Crtl, would you do the film watching if your male friend was in a relationship?

I used to be okay with it until I discovered h had a new friend he was keeping a secret and confiding in.

I have male friends. I've always had male friends. And female. H is fine with those but then I have never been the type to keep secrets and cheat

It very much depends on each case by case rather than an open declaration of being cool with all friends of the opposite sex. Sometimes it's fine. Sometimes it's not.

CtrlAltDelicious · 11/04/2015 08:21

Good question. Said friend is actually gay so I suppose there's that additional knowledge that it's not going to stray into dodgy territory. I don't think I would do the film watching with a male friend in a relationship, no. I just tend to think how it'd make me feel if I had a boyfriend and he was spread out with a woman on a bed. I probably wouldn't like it. I think you're right with "sometimes it's fine, sometimes it's not." Sometimes you just need to listen to your spider senses, as IME they're rarely wrong.
At the end of the day though, there's got to be trust hasn't there? I don't trust anyone due to shitty treatment from shitty exes and as a result I've been single for about 6 years.

owlborn · 11/04/2015 09:13

I have male friends. DH has female friends. I actually find it a slightly weird comment on a relationship if someone apparently has so little faith in their partner that they assume that they can't be trusted to eat food in the company of a member of the opposite sex without trying to shag them over dessert. It's also heteronormative as fuck.

TokenGinger · 11/04/2015 09:18

I'd like to think I am confident enough in myself to not feel threatened by DP having a friend who just so happens to have a vagina. In fact, he has a female friend with whom he's very close to her kids, and they sometimes do things like parks and swimming with them. They were friends long before me, though. So u guess if anything was going to happen between them, it already would have.

Romeyroo · 11/04/2015 09:23

Difficult one; XH had a whole 'harem' of female friends, he was super duper close friends with his XP, and he always commented on my best female friend that he didn't understand why she was single; he commented on female colleague - you get the picture. Funnily enough all these people were younger than him; he did not extend his attentions to women his own age.

I started off open-minded, but I began to feel like a PP that it devalued me and our marriage. When a mutual female colleague knows your H's plans before you do, there is a problem!

winkywinkola · 11/04/2015 10:13

Owlborn, friendships are borne out of different reasons. Some evolve to something more.

I don't think there are many who say if a man and a woman are friends it will automatically lead to sex.

But I think it's wise to evaluate individual friendships in terms of what they are and how they can impact your primary relationship.

I think it's weird to say "just because she has a vagina doesn't mean my dh is going to shag her over dinner."

Nobody is saying that at all.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 11/04/2015 11:52

Having friends of the opposite sex is totally normal. If they are single at one point in time doesn't mean they won't be in a relationship two or six months down the line.

For me personally it's more important how long your partner has known them, how close they are to them, and whether it crosses any personal boundaries.

For example, if you're partner has known someone since they were kids, it makes sense they would have a "close" relationship with them. If my partner met someone a few weeks ago, I would need to have a serious chat with him if he started meeting up with her all the time or was in constant contact with her.

Likewise, everyone has their own personal boundaries. I would be very angry if my husband shared a bed with a female friend, even if I knew they had a genuinely platonic relationship. For me that would cross a line.

Likewise if someone is putting their friends above their partner then that is never a good sign either.

tunachunks · 11/04/2015 14:27

I have no issues with DH having female friends and he is the same. We don't tend to have very close friends anyway - lots of acquaintances, gym buddies or colleagues but neither of us are best buddies with any of them (same sex or opposite sex). I do expect him to have a stronger loyalty to me and family but that's never been an issue either.

When I was single I had male friends who were married/in relationships and sometimes the partner seemed a bit odd about it. When I have sensed that, I've tended to socialise them mostly in groups rather than just two of us.

MrsCosmopilite · 11/04/2015 14:34

I have a few quite close male friends - two are married, one is single and straight, one is single and gay.

DH has a number of close female friends - one is single, three are married/in LTR's.

Occasionally one of us will be out with one of our friends of the opposite sex, occasionally a friend will come over. There's never been a problem with this at all. I don't know why people assume that men and women want to shag each other all the time and therefore can't be just friends.

StellaAlpina · 11/04/2015 14:41

DH has a handful of single female friends (old uni housemates and coursemates).

I have a couple of male friends from uni but they are not single.

None are from after we got together though, mind you I haven't really made any new close friends since DH and I have been been married and I don't think he has either - it's harder to make close friends as you get older.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/04/2015 14:49

No I wouldn't mind, I think it is horrible to be restricted to friends of one gender. I have always had male friends, who at times have obviously been single, and the same for DH , who has good female friends from school still, and university. I have moved to a rural village from London, and DH was invited out for a drink by the bloke next door, who didn't invite me! The "girls" go out separately, i was informed. I think it is bizarre! I am close to my brother and happy having male friends, there has never been a time when I've been more than friends with any of them, it has always been platonic. I would be quite happy for my DH to take one of his female friends out for lunch without me etc.

wigglylines · 11/04/2015 14:56

Both of us have friends of both genders. If I found jealousy was rearing its ugly head and I had a problem with one of DP's mates solely because of her gender i'd have to have a serious word with myself.

If DP had a problem with me having male friends - from before or after we met - u'd massively loose respect for him.

Come on people this is 2015 not 1950!!

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