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Original poster

Would you mind your OH having a single friend of the opposite sex?

59 replies

fruitandnutlover · 10/04/2015 23:43

I was talking to a work colleague recently and he mentioned that his wife is really good friends with a single guy and she visits this single guy every week without my work colleague. In fact my colleague says he isn't friends with this man so never goes with her.

I got chatting with my female friends and this subject came up and none of them or their OH's have separate single friends of the opposite sex. In fact a couple of them said if their husbands did they would feel quite uncomfortable about it.

All of my male friends are the husbands of my girlfriends or friends of my DH so there wouldn't really be a reason for me to visit them regularly alone.

Just got me wondering are there many married people who have very close friends of the opposite sex and would you feel comfortable with your OH being friends with a single woman/man?

OP posts:

wigglylines · 11/04/2015 14:57

*I'd and lose. Stupid fingers!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 11/04/2015 15:02

I am the single friend. I struck up a friendship over 20 years ago now with someone I met through work and realised we had a shared interest/obsession, an interest that his then partner, now wife, doesn't share with him at all. The first time I met her, invited out to dinner with them I knew she was checking me out and I didn't mind at all. That was because I had absolutely no ulterior motive and nothing to hide, and I still don't. I now consider her one of my closest friends. I sometimes think that she's glad I take him off her hands from time to time when we go out together to do what we do.

Other than the above-mentioned-friend I have other close friends of the opposite sex. The friendships are important but the gender of them to me is purely incidental.

BackforGood · 11/04/2015 15:04

Of course not. I have friends who are men and friends who are women, and so does dh.
I find it quite odd that you have no male friends who aren't ohs of your female friends

motherinferior · 11/04/2015 15:05

I used to mind dreadfully with previous partners. Was convinced they'd go off with them.

They didn't, but my crazed jealousy probably helped split us up.

Now I don't care, and he hasn't gone off with anyone and we're still together 16 years later.

Eastie77 · 11/04/2015 15:08

I have loads of male friends including one I go away with to annual event every year and which involves an overnight stay at a hotel (we share an interest and our annual trip began years before I met DP). Several friends are aghast that I've continued to go on this trip now I'm in a relationship but DP is absolutely fine about it, even though said friend has a reputation as a womaniser! It helps that he knows that I genuinely regard my friend as a brother and the thought of going 'there' with him would seriously make me throw up DP's best friend is female and single. No issue with that at all.

I feel very sorry for wives/husbands/partners who do not trust their other halves to enjoy platonic relationships with members of the other sex or who have had their trust abused and so have good reason for this mis-trust.

Joysmum · 11/04/2015 15:08

Those secure in their relationship won't have an issue, those who are insecure will.

Redglitter · 11/04/2015 15:09

I've got a few male friends. A couple we keep mostly in contact with via text or Facebook and meet occasionally for lunch.

I've another one who comes to my house maybe once a month for coffee. I've known him about 20 years. His wife knows when he's coming over and is fine with it. He comes for coffee just like any of my female friends do

babbinocaro · 11/04/2015 15:33

Yes these friendships are fine where no boundaries are crossed - until a few yrs ago I would be agreeing that it was all fine. We are offering a female perspective in this of course - interesting research I have seen and a bit of personal feedback from OH is that he was sexually interested in them (probably more than they were in him but hey he paid for lunch and coffee) and a lot of the low grade cheating happened when our kids were younger and I was a very busy working mum. Normally younger women - unencumbered by small children, domestic duties, work deadlines and of the added to this the ease of accessing new "friends" on the internet. Of course all of this might not have happened. Interestingly not a lot of male friendships for ... not the right friendship material - middle aged and menopausal.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/04/2015 16:31

My DH and I also have a mutual older female friend (about 16 years or so older than me, so about 24 years older than DH). We both get on with her very well, but I think that her and DH are a natural "fit", and I would be quite happy if he did something with her, but not with me. He is very fond of her, she is a really interesting person.

Skiptonlass · 11/04/2015 16:37

We both have plenty of friends, single and not, of the opposite gender. I don't see any problem with that. We've both been out for coffees/ lunch with old uni friends who've been passing through town in the last month or two. All perfectly innocent and it's nice to see old friends.

What's problematic is getting too close to a friend of the opposite gender ( if you're straight) to the point of inappropriate attachment. Honestly, when I've seen that happen with friends' marriages, it's been fifty fifty whether the other woman/ man was single or not.

The problem is inappropriate emotional attachment to a non partner, not friendship.

Snowberry86 · 11/04/2015 16:41

The majority of my friends are male.
My DH doesn't mind me having make friends and doesn't mind me spending time with them. I have one in particular who is single and that I am quite close with who comes round for a coffee during the week when I am off work and DH is working. I think it helps that he is 15 years older than me and not at all my type so DH knows there would never be anything more than friendship!

I have recently made a new make friend through work and I hate having to be cautious about our friendship because of other people's conclusions about it. He had a partner and 2 children, we meet for coffee, I have met this kids but not his partner yet. He hasn't met my DH yet. My DH doesn't have an issue with us being friends, I would not accept him dictating my friendships.

toffeeboffin · 11/04/2015 21:05

I wouldn't be happy. I've found that there is always an agenda from one person, even if the other thinks they are 'just friends'.

A woman and a man cannot be just friends, there is always one of the two who wants to get the other into bed, even if its only minimal attraction.

Joysmum · 11/04/2015 21:33

I don't agree Toffeeboffin and think it's really sad that this has been your experience.

beginningwithA · 11/04/2015 21:59

I have three really close male friends who I knew for years before DH came on the scene, all have them have been single at some point during the friendship although only one of them is now. DH has no issue whatsoever with these friendships and the spouses of the two friends who are now married have always been welcoming towards me.

DH is about as far away from the blokey stoic man-of-few-words stereotype as you could imagine and naturally seems to gravitate towards female friendships above male friendships. The majority of these women he has known half of his life and not once have I ever felt threatened by any of these friendships - I trust him completely. That's not to say I haven't felt
narked off at times when a couple of the single ladies have relied on him too much, ie: expecting him to giving them lifts without offering to pay for petrol, asking him to do DIY without reimbursement, but this is because I'm annoyed they're taking advantage of the kindness of their "surrogate brother", rather than I feel they're a threat to my romantic relationship. Both ladies in question have since found partners and are far less demanding of my DH these days thankfully!

Lavenderice · 11/04/2015 23:32

I find it unacceptable that anyone would forbid someone to have friends regardless of their gender. If a man I was with tried to do this I would leave him immediately and I would lose all respect for someone who said they couldn't be friends with me because of their partner.

ChaiseLounger · 11/04/2015 23:46

Depends on the friend. If they were genuinely nice, no problem. If you think they have an ulterior motive or want something more from your husband, then this is not ok.

ThatBloodyWoman · 11/04/2015 23:48

No,and he does.
He even goes round their houses without me

Joysmum · 12/04/2015 00:02

What about people who are bi? Does the fact that they are bi mean that they can't have any friends as there is always an ulterior motive/risk?

Giddyup123 · 12/04/2015 00:24

Dp got a friend that I've only recently found out about who is female. Only reason I have issue is that he's not said anything. Before now

saturnvista · 12/04/2015 01:11

We don't, on the whole. When you're single, there are always degrees of platonicness to male/female friendships - I really don't think many cases fit the scenario where neither party would ever feel any sexual attraction to each other in a million years. When DP and I got married, we found it was very easy to tell the friendships that had that hint of 'maybe, one day...', those that were purely platonic (and in that case why not share the friendship with the other partner?) and those that were actually unrequited love and the other person had no interest in continuing the 'friendship' once there was definitely no chance. It's nothing to do with not trusting him and he definitely trusts me, nor is it that we're afraid of finding ourselves suddenly and inexplicably driven to ravish a friend of the other gender against a lamp post. It's partly to do with respect for each other, I think, and a feeling that when you marry one man you forsake all others. For me, that forsaking includes intimacy with men who aren't DP. It just does.

AmyElliotDunne · 12/04/2015 02:05

My DP has female friends who he has known since school and spends time with in a group with other friends and family. If I was free I would be invited along too but sometimes they meet up when I'm not around and if he wanted to meet up one on one with a female friend I wouldn't have an issue with it occasionally.

However, if it was a regular thing, just them and not me, I would feel excluded, especially as I don't get to see him every day so our time together is precious to me.

Fwiw I also feel a bit left out when he meets up for evenings out with male friends/family without me. It doesn't happen often, but I like spending time with him and I like his friends and family too, so whenever possible I like us all to be together. This is nothing to do with fidelity or attraction, just enjoying my partner's company.

The only male friend I ever really hung out with was before XH and I split up. I ended up with a major crush on the poor guy and snogged his face off as soon as I was single. Big mistake!

owlborn · 12/04/2015 08:24

Joysmum - I always wonder about that whenever I see those comments about how men and women can never be friends. By this logic bisexuals have no friends. Only prey.

We are like the velociraptors of the dating world.

winkywinkola · 12/04/2015 21:56

Well, I don't think you have to be bisexual to be a velociraptor in the dating world!

But I think regardless of one's sex, it's important to understand that not everyone has only friendship in mind. If you're in a relationship, of course it's important to have trust but often things can go down an unexpected path.

Friends of the marriage is really important. Not all friends are.

I personally hate the way that caution is regarded as so uncool and so unrelaxed and a problem.

phoenixrose314 · 12/04/2015 22:01

I have one close male friend who is single - DH doesn't mind in the slightest but it's probably because it is quite obvious there is no attraction there whatsoever, I regard him like the brother I never had - zero spark. We get along well and DH never minds me going away to see him, although I do believe about a year into our relationship DH mentioned he felt a little uncomfortable with me staying over at his house (said friend has a rather lovely five bed house in Hampstead Heath that I stayed at now and again when meeting up with him - always in the spare room of course), so I stopped doing that, I considered that fair.

I would maybe feel uncomfortable if DH spent a lot of time with a single female (but that probably has more to do with how I currently feel about myself and my failings), but if she was just one of many friends I don't think I'd mind in the slightest.

Sallystyle · 12/04/2015 22:35

I would probably be cautious about any new friendships, not because my husband has been unfaithful, but I think it is all too easy to gradually cross boundaries especially if the marriage is going through a rough time. Of course not all opposite sex friendships are going to be a problem but I have known far too many people (mostly online) who trusted their partners 100% before they got too emotionally involved with someone else over time and most of them were with people who started of genuinely being friends

So if my dh made a new female friend I would worry a little. He has never done anything to make me distrust him but reality is many people trust their partners and shit still hits the van.

I have male friends. Most predate my husband. I have a few from a local pub but we don't meet outside of there. My husband doesn't mind but I think he might feel insecure if I made a new friendship with a man and started socialising with him a lot. I know it's not cool to say you would feel insecure, but we are human.

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