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Relationships

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Original poster

Do people ever change?

67 replies

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:11

I was seeing a guy last year but I stopped it because he was being coercive in bed. I just kind of cut him off. Later I ended up getting in touch with him again and I explained to him that I felt his behaviour was unreasonable and that was why I cut him off. He accepted this and since then I have seen him once and he was fine. But I am concerned that he will eventually revert back. Have I made a mistake in getting in contact again?

OP posts:

BafanaThesober · 09/04/2015 08:13

I think that you are asking the question in its own way answers it!

In my experience, no they don't, but I would like to be proven wrong.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:16

I'm thinking that maybe he was on best behaviour but only because it was the first time. I've never heard of anyone changing before.

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 09/04/2015 08:17

Very rarely.

For people to change, the choice to change has to come from them, they need to be really, really motivated in order to persist with it, and even then it takes a LOT of time.

Him saying "ok then" when you told him you found him coercive, and then being nice to you one time, is nothing. Change is long, difficult, hard work that is entirely self-motivated.

This isn't it.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 08:20

was he "coercive in bed" the very first time you saw him first go around ?

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:23

He was a little, AF. But looking back it was very subtle. I'm afraid that if I start seeing him more regularly he will just drift back to how it was.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 08:35

I can pretty much guarantee that he will

are you willing to overlook any "subtlety" again just to get yourself right back to square one ?

do you consider it your job to "teach" him not to be a rapey piece of work ?

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:40

No, definitely not. I was just thinking I've never heard of anyone with abusive tendencies changing.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 08:42

If just one person came on here and told of someone who did change, would that reassure you ?

NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 09/04/2015 08:45

No, sexual habits don't change. Generally and IME.

He sounds disgusting, sorry. I could never be with someone like that - I had a boyfriend for a while who used to do it and it was an instant turn off, I couldn't wait to get rid of him after that.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:56

Yeah it's things like he gets annoyed with me if I won't do certain positions because I find it uncomfortable. He says 'just do it once' or 'just do it quickly. If you don't try it you'll never know'. But the point is that I have tried it with other partners.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:56

He didn't get annoyed with me the last time but I'm thinking that will change.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 09/04/2015 09:12

Later I ended up getting in touch with him again and I explained to him that I felt his behaviour was unreasonable and that was why I cut him off.

Just wondering why you contacted him?

It certainly doesn't sound like he accepted what you told him. It's not like he fell to his knees and offered an apology, by the sounds of it?

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 09:16

yes, why did you rekindle things ?

there was a very good reason why you cut him off

AmyElliotDunne · 09/04/2015 09:38

He's probably watched a lot of porn if he thinks that everyone he meets will be interested in his 'coercive' tendencies. He probably could change, but the question is, does he want to?

You say he accepted it when you told him his behaviour was unacceptable. Did you actually have a frank open discussion about sex and boundaries or was it just a case of "I didn't want you do x" and him saying "OK, I won't then".

If he has been able to talk freely about the things he likes and why he wanted you to join in, while listening to you talk about your desires and comfort levels and what you expect from him, maybe he can change.

If you get on really well and enjoy sex with him then I'd say go for it, but at the first sign of him overstepping you need to be prepared to call it a day.

FWIW I finished with my DP over something (not sexual) which I found unacceptable. We had a miserable month apart, both wishing we hadn't separated, and when he contacted me we had a lot of in depth discussions about what we would both tolerate within our RL as well as couples counselling etc. He absolutely HAS changed so I know that it is possible, but this came from a very deep desire to make our RL work, not just wanting a shag.

I don't know how close you were to each other last year, as you say you were 'seeing a guy' and evidently got straight into sex when you first got back together, so it sounds quite casual. If so, what is drawing you back to him?

Chchchchange · 09/04/2015 09:38

Someone not listening to you saying clearly that you don't want to do x because x hurts, and still trying to pressure you into doing it because it brings them pleasure.....please run a mile! Decent human beings don't act like this. He's not suddenly going to have developed into a decent person on a whim. You have the potential to get very hurt.

Jan45 · 09/04/2015 11:31

Yeah I'd say he's a porn addict and is trying to live out the shite he watches. Who wants that, and also a person that is forcing you to do something you don't want - that is not what sex is about at all. I think you are making a mistake.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 12:21

I went back to him because the chemistry between us is quite intense. However, perhaps this is not a good thing. He's not asking me to do anything too strange. The issue is his (large) size and inability to understand that because of this I find deep positions uncomfortable.

I had said to him that his behaviour pushed me away the first time.

OP posts:

hereandtherex · 09/04/2015 12:29

Up to their mid-20s - Yes.

After their 30s - No.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 12:33

Well he is still under 25.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 12:34

I suppose whatever his age, he won't change unless he wants to.

OP posts:

NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 09/04/2015 13:48

I don't think the issue is change. The issue is that he values the sexual positions he has in mind more than your comfort or preferences.

It's seriously a non starter, please ditch this guy and wait to find someone who actually cares what you think/how you feel. He patently doesn't give a toss.

DownByTheRiver · 09/04/2015 14:11

I don't think people change as such. Some people might mature a bit as they get older, but I think when you've hit about 30 you are as you are.

People might intend to change and they might for a while but unless something fundamental happens that makes them re-think things they will eventually revert to type.

From what you say OP it seems you already told him why you felt he behaved unreasonably to start with so if he wanted to change then he could have done. He might be on his best behaviour for a bit but I would imagine he will want to try the deeper positions again despite knowing that you find it uncomfortable.

You could make it clear to him that you won't try certain positions again and tell him if he suggests you try and he'll be gentle then you won't be seeing him again. Or that he stops the second you tell him or it's over and mean it.

Crossfitmyarse · 09/04/2015 14:15

I think even if does he agree to be less 'coercive' in bed and to accept and your dislike of certain positions and respect your feelings on the matter etc., you will still be sexually incompatible and ultimately that will end in tears.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 14:22

Thanks for replies. I don't think we are sexually incompatible because aside from that one issue about one position, the sex is very intense. Although I recognise that that isn't necessarily a good thing.

OP posts:

hereandtherex · 09/04/2015 14:27

For 'coercive' should I read 'experimental'?

You do not sound sexually compatible. No point continuing.

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