Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do people ever change?

67 replies

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:11

I was seeing a guy last year but I stopped it because he was being coercive in bed. I just kind of cut him off. Later I ended up getting in touch with him again and I explained to him that I felt his behaviour was unreasonable and that was why I cut him off. He accepted this and since then I have seen him once and he was fine. But I am concerned that he will eventually revert back. Have I made a mistake in getting in contact again?

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 16:55

Thank you AF. Yes I have 3 dds.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 17:31

This isn't good for them either, but I don't reckon I need to tell you that

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 17:40

You're right - I am afraid for them to meet anyone I get involved with because I know my track record is so bad.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 17:43

The standard advice here is to stop dating completely while you seek some counselling to sort out your issues

otherwise, as your girls get older they are going to absorb more and more damaging stuff, even if you try your best to shield them from it (as I am sure you do)

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 17:57

Thanks for your kind words. I would absolutely hate for them to grow up and have the same issues that I do. I am supposed to be starting the freedom programme in 2 weeks. Deep down I know this current thing is not healthy and that the two of us obsess over each other.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 18:05

The Freedom programme sounds great.

Why don't you knock any further time spent with is bloke that you know is no good for you on the head in the spirit of "starting how you mean to go on"

Incidentally, when you discuss the different types of abusers on the Freedom Prog you will recognise him in there

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 18:32

No, I won't but maybe this time it would be better to tell him rather than just. It him off?

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 18:32

*cut him off

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 19:34

Personally, I would tell him exactly why I wasn't seeing him again

but if you are in the habit of getting into long circular arguments where he eventually talks you round, then just cut him off

you don't owe him anything

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 20:22

Ok, thanks for your advice AF.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:26

Good luck with the Freedom Prog

montefury · 09/04/2015 20:44

Agree with above. Keep listening to your gut. I was involved with someone in my early 20s who I knew was bad news but I excused him. Saw a different side. Highs and lows. Intensity blah blah... I didn't even walk away from him. We moved to different places, he was take it or leave it.

He turned out to be an extremely dangerous man. I only found this out accidentally a couple of years ago. It's terrifying. I think in these cases people are more likely to get worse than better. You seem a lot wiser to the potential danger and your vulnerability and it's admirable that you are open to support.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 10/04/2015 13:09

Thanks AF and to everyone else who helped me on the thread. In the past the psychotherapy I had addressed some of my other issues very effectively. I suppose I have to not give up hope that this is something I can also change. I will also ask on the MH thread.

OP posts:

thegreysheep · 10/04/2015 15:35

Hi Lottie, some good advice here and I too have had co-dependency issues/ being drawn to bad relationships as well, stemming from issues in my past.

What's really good here it that you seem to see the pattern developing again and are questioning your boundaries and taking advice, and great you're starting the freedom programme too. I'd second re-reading co-dependent no more as well, the first time I read it, it made intellectual sense to me but it was only a few months later when I re-read it that it started to sink in in a practical sense.

Well done on recognizing the patterns and some of the underlying reasons - if you are anything like me you would have gone through past relationships not recognizing patterns at all, but thinking "that's just how things are", so that's real progress.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 11/04/2015 20:40

Thanks thegreysheep. I do try to examine my own behaviour and be honest with myself about it. It's hard to do but I don't think I will change unless I face up to it. My mum and dad are totally codependent. My last relationship I ended because the guy had addiction issues. I can end things but I tend to second guess myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 11/04/2015 20:42

And there is a pattern of relationships with people who can't function properly as adults. In many ways I am the same perhaps.

OP posts:

thegreysheep · 12/04/2015 12:12

Hi lottiethe difference between you, and your parents and some of the people in your other relationships, is that you do realise you self-examined and that you need to try to do this to change. This is important and difficult to do, but you are doing it which is what counts.

Then rather than blindly repeating the same patterns as so many do, you are examining and picking apart the patterns, and trying to discard what needs to be discarded and replacing it with healthier patterns.

It will take some time and some mistakes, but by continuing to be aware you're equipping yourself well to break away and move forward.

Flip

1 2 3