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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do people ever change?

67 replies

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 08:11

I was seeing a guy last year but I stopped it because he was being coercive in bed. I just kind of cut him off. Later I ended up getting in touch with him again and I explained to him that I felt his behaviour was unreasonable and that was why I cut him off. He accepted this and since then I have seen him once and he was fine. But I am concerned that he will eventually revert back. Have I made a mistake in getting in contact again?

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 14:32

I don't see how you can be incompatible over one position? We seem to be on the same page in every other respect. Except that I'm not sure if I'll be able to trust him which is obviously the biggest problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 14:33

Coercive is not the same as experimental. Coercive is getting angry because someone won't do what you want (which he did before).

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 09/04/2015 14:45

So, if you are not sure about trust, he has form for pressuring you into doing things you don't want to, then you contact him and are considering going to go back into it?

It sounds rather insane.

Is having any boyfriend better than having no boyfriend?

Stop agonizing over him, and start having a relationship with yourself.

Meerka · 09/04/2015 14:46

Occasionally people do change. sometimes suddenly, if something dramatic happens and they get a wake up call, either for better for worse. Usually change, if they change at all, is slow and difficult and as goats said, it depends on if they want to change.

Not listening to you if you're saying it hurts is a big problem because it means he put his pleasure much higher than your pain. Unless he was extremely sorry and showed that he was trying to be a hell of a lot more thoughtful, I'd not go back ... in the one situation I was in like yours, I binned him. I was in that situation again with someone else long after, but that man was a great deal more careful and sensitive.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/04/2015 14:47

You think the op is confusing coercive and experimental hereand?
When she has explained that he gets annoyed with her if she won't perform or insists she just does stuff that hurts her anyway?

Well, well...

Op, steer clear. It's hard to understand why you went back for more. Fundamentally, he, like hereandthere things his desires in the bedroom are much more important than yours. Most men aren't like that.

AmyElliotDunne · 09/04/2015 15:12

Ah well if he's getting angry about it, that's different. I imagined coercive to be more like "oh go on, you might enjoy it" and having read back your comment this morning I think "he gets annoyed with me if I won't do certain positions because I find it uncomfortable" shows exactly where his priorities lie. This is not a man keen to experiment and help you find new things you might enjoy, this is someone who considers your wishes beneath his own.

I revise my earlier post, LTB!

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 15:43

Do you have a masochistic streak, lottie ?

because I am struggling to understand why you have gone back there when you clearly accept 1) people rarely change such fundamental behaviour and 2) you have no trust in him anyway

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 15:46

No, but my boundaries are not very good and there are some things I like about him.

I do tend to have problems cutting people off when I need to -both men and women.

OP posts:

hereandtherex · 09/04/2015 15:48

The OP said 'coercive' not 'agressive'.
There's a difference.

Can the OP expand on what she did not like and what his exact reaction was?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/04/2015 15:58

Hereandtherex the OP really doesn't need to expand. Coercive is not the same as aggressive but it doesn't mean it's less bad. The OP has clearly explained how he was coercive, that's good enough.

Lottie, an attitude of entitlement like that is deep rooted. No, a person doesn't really change those fundamental views and it will come out again, no doubt.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 16:03

What are you going to do after reading the responses on your thread .... bearing in mind you managed to cut him off before (nothing wrong with your boundaries there) and it was you that reestablished contact for absolutely no reason I can fathom here

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 16:05

people can be coercive without being remotely aggressive

I don't know why anyone would need to know the intimate details (unless you are looking for an angle with which to victim blame of course)

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 16:15

He was upset that I cut contact with him. This is a massive weakness of mine. I don't like the feeling I've upset someone, even though I shouldn't care and most people wouldn't. I've had lots of psychotherapy to fix some of my issues but this seems to be one that is really deep rooted and hard to shift. But ultimately, I end up wasting a lot of time on partners who don't treat me very well and turn away perfectly good men at the same time.

OP posts:

hereandtherex · 09/04/2015 16:23

Ok ..... psychotherapy ....

IMHO is nothing than quackery.

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 16:25

Hereandthere - your posts are very rude. I couldn't care less what your opinion on psychotherapy is.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 16:27

I presume he had got over you cutting contact with him

it doesn't appear healthy for either you or him to open all this up again

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 16:32

Usually if I try being with someone nice or respectful I end up feeling something is missing. It's almost as if the person isn't intense enough. I suppose it's to do with how I was raised and certainly needs more work on.

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Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 16:35

The coercive behaviour was not just limited to sex either - sorry to drip feed.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 16:35

has anyone ever mentioned codependency to you ?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/04/2015 16:35

Good job your opinion means shit to people you've never met isn't it!

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 16:36

That is no surprise to me, lottie

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 16:42

Codependency, oh yes. My last relationship was codependent I'm pretty sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmias · 09/04/2015 16:44

I've actually got the book 'Codependency No More'. Maybe I need to read it again. Are there specific types of therapy that deal with this?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 16:44

It's not impossible to break the cycle, but you might need some professional help with it

have you got kids ?

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 16:47

I don't know the answer to that question, lovey

someone will on the MH boards though

there is also a poster called jaceybee who seems to know her stuff about counselling....I bet she wouldn't mind you pm'ing her

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