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Original poster

Is this reasonable? Asking DH to cut down on hobby-time

66 replies

Friday999 · 07/04/2015 12:56

I need to find a compromise with my DH, and just wanted some opinions of reasonable-ness before I talk to him.

Since DSS went away to Uni last September, DH and I have had more time to ourselves, and we're both enjoying interests/hobbies we didn't get much time for previously. DH has a hobby, it involves shows/sales/exhibitions etc and I know he really enjoys it. I'm fine with this, and have always been supportive. He used to have spend, on average, one Saturday (full day) per month doing this. It recently became one full Saturday per fortnight, which I was still ok with, but lately it's turning into every Saturday. He's got an exhibition next Saturday, and last night asked if we were doing anything on Sat 18 April, as there's another exhibition he'd like to attend.

And as it's becoming nearly every Saturday, it's starting to feel a bit much. Yes, I can keep myself occupied, I have interests and friends (although at the weekend most of my friends are busy with their own families) but it's starting to feel like an effort to fill every Saturday in his absence, not to mention there's obviously stuff we can't do together if he's not around.

So ......... I'm planning to suggest we compromise, and that he has a Saturday exhibition/show every fortnight, rather than every week. I think this is reasonable, I don't think many married men would get away with, for example, a full day"s golf every Sunday.

DH is generally pretty reasonable and I'm not expecting too much resistance on this issue, but I want to be fair, and would be interested to hear other people's opinions?

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 07/04/2015 13:01

I'm not sure tbh. I'm never comfortable when one half of a couple prevents the other doing something they're particularly interested in. - Except when the dc are small and such hard work and both need an equal break.

Is it something you could do as well?

mrsmeerkat · 07/04/2015 13:03

I get your dilemma

My dh, when we first married, used to spend all day every sat at his parents for a visit and Sunday too for an afternoon.

I really, really resented it. Yes- I have my own life, I generally don't demand all of his time but I am glad I talked to him about it. I am still sad we spent two years doing very little together then the dc came. Now he 'gets' it and we compromise. He uses his work holiday to take the occasional Friday off or goes the odd Saturday but he will suggest stuff for us all.

Firstly I would recommend booking something for the following sat (after the 18th or national trust visit or ikea or whatever you are into) then organising abother. Then tell him you enjoy his company at the weekends.

Otherwise you could drift apart

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/04/2015 13:04

It's one day a week and your kids have left home,I think YABU and it's pretty normal at this stage

museumum · 07/04/2015 13:08

I think it's got to depend what you want him to do instead. So yanbu if you suggest a day together doing something you both enjoy (in which case the answer to "are we doing anything on x date is - I'd like us to both do/go to...." but yabu if you just want him to be around doing not much.
I'm not sure why you need a general rule. We do a week-by-week thing which also included doing things together but doesn't involve my dh not doing his hobby on any day just because.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/04/2015 13:10

My OH does his hobby every Sunday.
So I got a job in a Sunday.
It works pretty well, I enjoy my job and he gets to do what he wants.
It really depends how much time you spend together in the evenings.
Do you do anything together?

FishWithABicycle · 07/04/2015 13:11

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for it to be not-every-weekend. If fortnightly isn't enough for him could you talk with him and ask him to agree that one weekend a month, chosen flexibly, he doesn't do an exhibition and you have a chance to either go away for the weekend, or have visitors to stay, or just do something together for the whole weekend. Even if you can keep yourself busy, I think it's wise not to allow something inflexible to become the status-quo.

rb32 · 07/04/2015 13:15

You live with the man, by the sounds of it you have lived with him a very long time and will continue to do so. Therefore, him doing something by himself one day a week, even if it was every week, really isn't going to stop you seeing him lots and lots and lots.

Ok, if it turns into an obsession and stops you having any kind of life together then say something, but really one day a week shouldn't be a problem. I fully intent to dive into my hobbies every weekend when the kids are gone!

Kampeki · 07/04/2015 14:14

I wouldn't object to my DH having a day a week to do his own thing. Unless there are specific things that you have planned - and it doesn't really sound like it - then I can't see an issue. Presumably you still have Sundays together?

blueberrypie0112 · 07/04/2015 14:17

ever thought of going with him?

maltesereater · 07/04/2015 14:23

Personally I spend a similar amount of time on my hobby and I would be annoyed if DH asked me to stop/reduce it. I don't like the idea of one person in a couple 'getting away' with being able to spend their time as they please! (Unless there are family/caring issues which need to be dealt with and are being shirked). Our dc have also flown the nest so I am making the most of my free time and I don't feel a sense of duty to DH to keep him entertained.

We still have Sundays together and my hobby tends to run in periodic blocks, so there are times of the year when I'm not doing anything related to it and we make sure we use that time to go away, book events for us etc. We also keep one evening a week free when we go out for dinner/shows/events (we each have our own work/sports interests which keep us busy on other evenings). DH doesn't have a regular hobby like me but he likes to have his own time to potter and visit places that I wouldn't like.

BackforGood · 07/04/2015 14:32

I too think it depends on what you want him to be doing, if he isn't doing his hobby.
Can't see the logic in telling him you want him to do it less, and then there not being an alternative, but I can see the point if you want to go away for the weekend or something you would both enjoy.
My dh is away or out with his hobbies most weekends, and I can't see any point in telling him he's 'not allowed' unless it meant I was being prevented from doing something I want to do.
We too are at the time of our lives when the dc have either left home or are old enough to be left, and I am enjoying having time available to do things I enjoy doing, once more, which was in short supply when the dc were small.

Quitelikely · 07/04/2015 14:37

If there are no children at home I think you are being slightly unreasonable.

I'm looking forward to the day I've got my life back (once my school have flown the nest) and I don't think I'd take to kindly to being asked to change something I was doing, once a week, that I loved.

I might make the occasional allowance for my dh if he is lucky Grin

Quitelikely · 07/04/2015 14:38

Not school I meant dc!

2rebecca · 07/04/2015 15:03

I agree that it depends on what else you want to do. We both have things we do on weekends, our oldest is away and my youngest can now look after herself. I wouldn't mind not doing something if my husband wanted us to do something else or go away for a weekend but I find it odd that you can't occupy yourself for 1 day a week. It sounds as though you need a more consuming interest rather than to want to stop him doing his.
I wouldn't want to have to hang about all day just because my husband couldn't entertain himself.
Can you do some of the stuff you want to do together on your own? I'm struggling to think of many things that have to be done together. If I want to go to a concert/ museum/ walk/ cycle ride and my husband was out cycling I'd just go on my own.

NerdyBird · 07/04/2015 15:36

I think it would be reasonable to suggest you have a weekend together once a month, you can be flexible about what weekend it is and perhaps take it in turns to suggest what to do. If you make it more about doing things together that you both enjoy rather than complaining about his hobby it will make it more of a positive thing. My DP has a sport hobby that he loves, but he does make compromises on how much time he spends on it, and even suggests some himself. We do have DC at home but even if not I'd still expect him to make the odd compromise on it.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2015 15:46

Given that you don't have small children at home any more YABU and whiny, sorry. It's only one day a week and (unless there is some special issue with your home such as loads of animals that need to be fed, groomed, mucked out etc that you have not mentioned) it's not like his hobby is dumping all the domestic work and childcare on you.
If there's something you really want to do on a special saturday, tell him in advance that you would like to book/arrange whatever it is. Otherwise, let him get on with it. 'Togetherness' as in having to sit around the house with your partner staring at you because s/he whines about being alone and can't occpuy him/herself properly, is hugely overrated.

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/04/2015 16:05

If he played golf or watched football he would spend a lot more time away from you. I think you are being slightly controlling. Could you get a hobby for the saturday?

Original poster
Friday999 · 07/04/2015 16:06

Thank you for all the comments. I'm just a little wary that Saturday exhibitions become inflexible and set in stone - in the same way that Mon-Fri are work days. I think I'll request one exhibition-free weekend per month, and work on developing my own interests further.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 07/04/2015 16:17

I think one weekend a month sounds reasonable, if you have something specific you want to do. I can't really imagine expecting somebody not to go to something out of principal of me wanting to spend a full weekend with somebody for no particular reason. I think as long as you have Sunday together each week, that sounds ok x

shewept · 07/04/2015 16:26

I spend 10 hours a week on my hobby, always done around the kids (usually early morning while they are still asleep) I would be annoyed if dh asked me to stop, tbh. Purely because it doesn't impact him or the kids.

You don't have small kids to worry about so I think you are being a bit unreasonable. There doesn't seem to be anything in particular you want to do and you have Sundays. If it were me I would ask him not to go only if there was something I really wanted/ needed to do on a particular Saturday. I wouldn't ask for set Saturdays. Just occasionally. The rest of the time I would relish spending in my own in a quiet house.

pinkfrocks · 07/04/2015 16:36

Many women are golf widows for one day a week(end) or more.

I think you are being a bit needy not being able to- or struggling - to fill a saturday on your own. Get out to some exhibitions, do the garden, go for a walk, read a book-loads to do.

I think it depends what you did before the DC left home! I doubt you spent 2 days at a weekend with an 18 yr old, or even one full day ( or as he is a stepson did he live with his mum during the week?) so what's changed?

What's he getting out of the exhibiting- does he earn money or is it a social thing?

Do you both work full time?

I do think it's too much if you'd normally spend that time together , but if your normal saturdays were just pottering and shopping then I can't see it's a big deal.

FloristryCommission · 07/04/2015 16:52

The problem comes when it becomes such an ingrained habit that he is unwilling to change on the odd occasion when you want to do something the both of you together.

If you think he would be OK not participating if you asked him not to now and then, then let it carry on.

Are weekends your only time off together?

Original poster
Friday999 · 07/04/2015 17:00

We've both got pretty full-on jobs, so yes -weekends are when we spend quality time together. In fairness to DH, I know that he'd cut right back on his exhibitions if he thought I was upset, and he immediately said he wouldn't go on 18 April, I clearly sounded exasperated when he mentioned this latest date.

But he works hard, he deserves some time to himself, I'm just not sure quite where the line should be drawn on this particular issue

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/04/2015 17:07

I think one weekend a month together is a good compromise, but agree with Floristry - it's only really a problem if something important comes up, say a wedding or a friend's birthday, and he refuses to change/cancel. IMO anyway.

Jokerstotheright · 07/04/2015 17:08

I would luuuuurve a Saturday to myself. What a luxury!

If you live together and have no small children I would have thought it was quite reasonable for one of you to pursue a hobby once a week as long as there is flexibility to cancel if something comes up that you want to do together.